WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

歡迎來到 "深夜秀"。

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

女士們，先生們，我是你們的主持人，斯蒂芬-科爾伯特。

TOMORROW MARKS ONE MONTH SINCE THE ELECTION, AND THE PRESIDENT

明天是選舉後的一個月，而主席

HAS SPENT THAT ENTIRE TIME THROWING A LOUD, PANTS-FILLING

他花了整個時間，扔了一個響亮的， 褲子填充

TANTRUM.

TANTRUM。

IF WE DON'T CHANGE PRESIDENTS SOON, HE'S GOING TO GET A RASH.

如果我們不盡快更換總統，他就會被抓起來。

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF OUR

我將在今晚的節目中告訴你所有的事情。

NEVER-ENDING SEGMENT...

永無止境的部分... ...

>> ♪ DUMP! DUMP! DUMP!

>> #DUMP！笨蛋！笨蛋！

ILLEGAL MASSIVE DUMPS!

非法的大笨蛋！

♪ I'M A DOPE, PROUD BOYEEEE! ♪

我是一個笨蛋，驕傲的BOYEEEE！♪

>> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE"

>> "白宮之路"

>> Stephen: WOOO!

>> Stephen:嗚嗚！

THE PRESIDENT'S COMPLAINTS ABOUT FAKE ELECTION FRAUD ARE MORE

總統對假選舉舞弊的抱怨是更多的。

THAN JUST RECREATIONAL WHINING.

不僅僅是娛樂性的抱怨。

IN FACT, HIS REFUSAL TO CONCEDE IS SEEN BY SOME OF HIS

事實上，他的一些人也看到了他的拒絕讓步。

FOLLOWERS AS A CALL TO ARMS, WHICH HAS MADE FOR A DANGEROUS

跟隨者作為一種號召，這使得一個危險的世界充滿了危險。

SITUATION DOWN IN GEORGIA, WHERE THERE HAVE BEEN MANY THREATS OF

格魯吉亞的情況，那裡已經有了很多的威脅。

VIOLENCE, INCLUDING AGAINST A 20-YEAR-OLD VOTING SYSTEM

暴力行為，包括針對一名20歲的投票系統的暴力行為

CONTRACTOR WHO WAS TARGETED BY SOMEONE WHO HUNG A NOOSE AND

被某人懸著繩索瞄準的承包人

DECLARED THAT THE WORKER SHOULD BE "HUNG FOR TREASON," AND

宣稱該工人應 "因犯罪而被絞死"，並；

CARAVANS OF HORN-HONKING MAGA SUPPORTERS CONSTANTLY PARADING

大篷車的喇叭聲和麥加支持者不斷地遊行。

PAST SECRETARY OF STATE BRAD RAFFENSPERGER'S PRIVATE

前國務卿布拉德-拉芬斯佩格的私房菜。

RESIDENCE.

住所：

WELL, THAT CARAVAN FINALLY SHOWED UP, AND THE PRESIDENT WAS

好吧，那輛大篷車終於出現了，總統也來了。

RIGHT-- IT'S FULL OF BAD HOMBRES LOOKING TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY.

是的... ... 它充滿了壞的鄉下人想摧毀我們的國家。

WELL, IN RESPONSE, YESTERDAY, ONE OF GEORGIA'S TOP ELECTION

好吧，作為迴應，昨天，喬治亞州最重要的選舉之一。

OFFICIALS, GABRIEL STERLING, A REPUBLICAN, GAVE AN EMOTIONAL

官員，GABRIEL STERLING，一個共和黨人，給了一個情緒化的。

PRESS CONFERENCE.

新聞發佈會：

>> I'M GOING TO DO MY BEST TO KEEP IT TOGETHER, BECAUSE IT HAS

>> 我將盡我所能讓它保持一致，因為它已經...

>> I'M GOING TO DO MY BEST TO KEEP IT TOGETHER, BECAUSE IT HAS

>> 我將盡我所能讓它保持一致，因為它已經...

ALL GONE TOO FAR, ALL OF IT.

都走得太遠了，所有的一切。

A 20-SOMETHING TECH IN GWINNETT COUNTY TODAY HAS DEATH THREATS

今天在GWINNETT縣的一個20多歲的技術有死亡的威脅。

AND A NOOSE PUT OUT, SAYING HE SHOULD BE HUNG FOR TREASON

並放出了一條繩索，說他應該因犯罪而被處以絞刑。

BECAUSE HE WAS TRANSFERRING A REPORT ON BATCHES FROM AN E.M.S.

因為他正在從一個E. M. S. 轉交一份關於批次的報告。

TO A COUNTY COMPUTER SO HE COULD READ IT.

縣級電腦，讓他能閱讀。

IT HAS TO STOP.

它必須停止。

>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING UP.

>> 史蒂芬：謝謝你的發言。

UNFORTUNATELY, WE KNOW HOW THINGS END WHEN YOU TELL THE

不幸的是，我們知道事情的結局，當你告訴我們的時候，我們就會知道。

PRESIDENT TO STOP: $130,000 CHECK, BUT ONLY IF THE ENTIRE

主席停止：130,000美元的支票，但前提是全部的人都要參加。

STATE OF GEORGIA SIGNS AN N.D.A.

格魯吉亞州簽署了一項N.D.A。

ANYWAY THE SPEECH BLEW UP YESTERDAY AND THIS GEORGIAN

無論如何，該演講吹了起來昨天，這個格魯吉亞人

ELECTION OFFICIAL WAS PRAISED FOR HIS COURAGE, HIS CLARITY,

選舉官員因他的勇氣、他的清晰而受到讚揚。

AND HIS CALL FOR CIVILITY.

以及他對文明的呼籲。

AND THE PRESIDENT HEARD THAT AND POPPED OPEN A CAN OF SUCK IT.

主席聽到這句話，打開了一罐 "操"。

TODAY AROUND 4:00 EASTERN CRAZY TIME, THE PRESIDENT POSTED A

今天東部瘋狂時間4點左右，主席發佈了一條：

CONSPIRACY THEORY-FILLED RANT ON FACEBOOK-- NO PRESS, NO

QUESTIONS.

問題：

NOT EVEN THE MEDIATING LOWER THIRD GRAPHICS OF CABLE NEW.

甚至連有線電視新的中下層圖形都沒有。

JUST UNCUT, CRAZY PACKED INTO A STRAW AND BLOWN RIGHT INTO THE

剛剛切割，瘋狂的包裝在一個字符串，並吹到了正確的。

BRAIN STEM OF THE KAMIKAZE MAGA DEAD-ERNDS.

腦幹的KAMIKAZE MAGA DEADERNDS。

AND HE STARTED WITH THIS: >> THIS MAY BE THE MOST

他開始用這個：>>這可能是最。

IMPORTANT SPEECH I'VE EVER MADE.

我曾經做過的重要演講。

>> Stephen: I THINK YOU MISREAD ONE WORD, MR. PRESIDENT.

>> Stephen:我想你看錯了一句話，先生。主席：

IT MAY BE THE MOST "IMPOTENT" SPEECH YOU EVER MADE.

這可能是你做過的最 "無能 "的演講。

BECAUSE IT WAS JUST ANOTHER RAMBLING MASS OF LIES THAT

因為它只是另一個亂七八糟的謊言，

LASTED A FULL 46 MINUTES.

持續了整整46分鐘。

MY BIG COMPLAINT: HE SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS A WEEK AGO, NOT

我最大的抱怨是：他應該在一週前就做這件事，而不是。

BECAUSE HE SAID ANYTHING WORTH HEARING, BUT AT LEAST THE PEOPLE

因為他說了什麼值得聽的東西，但至少人們...

WHO CANCELLED A BIG FAMILY THANKSGIVING COULD HAVE

誰取消了一個大的家庭感恩節可以有。

PRETENDED THEY WERE STILL EATING WITH THEIR RACIST UNCLE.

假裝他們還在與他們的種族主義的叔叔吃飯。

AND HE. BROUGHT. PROPS.

和他。借來的。道具。

>> IN WISCONSIN, AS AN EXAMPLE, WHERE WE WERE WAY UP ON ELECTION

>>以威斯康星州為例，我們在選舉時的票數遙遙領先。

NIGHT, THEY ULTIMATELY HAD US MIRACULOUSLY LOSING BY 20,000

晚上，他們最終讓我們奇蹟般地輸了兩萬塊錢。

VOTES.

投票：

AND I CAN SHOW YOU RIGHT HERE THAT WISCONSIN, WE'RE LEADING

我可以在這裡告訴你，威斯康星州，我們是領先的。

BY A LOT.

很多。

AND THEN, AT 3:42 IN THE MORNING, THERE WAS THIS.

然後，在凌晨3點42分，有這個。

IT WAS A MASSIVE DUMP OF VOTES.

這是一個大規模的選票減少。

>> Stephen: AGAIN WITH THE MASSIVE DUMPS?

>> Stephen:又是那些大笨蛋？

BUT GIVEN HIS CHEESEBURGER AT BEDTIME, 3:42 IN THE MORNING

但在凌晨3點42分的時候，給了他奶酪漢堡。

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT FOR HIM.

聽起來很適合他。

THE PRESIDENT ALSO LAID OUT SOME PRETTY INTERESTING THEORIES.

主席還提出了一些非常有趣的理論。

>> ALSO, IN ARIZONA, THE ATTORNEY GENERAL ANNOUNCED THAT

>> 還有，在亞利桑那州，總檢察長宣佈：

MAIL-IN BALLOTS HAD BEEN STOLEN FROM MAILBOXES AND HIDDEN UNDER

郵寄選票被人從郵筒中偷走，藏在下面。

A ROCK.

一塊石頭。

>> Stephen: "HIDDEN UNDER A ROCK"?

>> 史蒂芬: "藏在石頭下面"?

IN ARIZONA?

在亞利桑那州？

IN THE DESERT?

在沙漠裡？

DID A FAST BIRD GOING "MEEP MEEP" DO THIS AND YOU TRIED

一隻快鳥在叫 "嗶嗶"。做到這一點，你試過了

TO CHASE THE BIRD, AND YOU RAN INTO A PAINTING OF A TUNNEL ON

追鳥的時候，你撞上了一幅屯子的畫。

THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN?

山的那邊？

BY THE WAY, IF YOU RUN OFF A CLIFF, YOU'LL BE FINE, AS LONG

順便說一句，如果你從懸崖上跑下來，你會沒事的，只要... ...

AS YOU DON'T LOOK DOWN.

因為你不往下看。

SHOWING A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF SELF-AWARENESS, THE PRESIDENT

主席表現出令人驚訝的自覺性。

EVEN KNEW HOW POORLY HIS STUPIDITY WOULD BE RECEIVED.

甚至知道他的愚蠢會得到多麼糟糕的迴應。

>> EVEN WHAT I'M SAYING NOW WILL BE DEMEANED AND DISPARAGED,

>> 即使我現在說的話，也會被人指責和議論。

BUT THAT'S OKAY.

但是，這沒關係。

>> Stephen: WELL, AS LONG AS IT'S OKAY.

>> Stephen:好吧，只要它是好的。

YOU'RE A PETTY, ANGRY MAN, YOU WILL NEVER RECEIVE AND HAVE

你是一個小氣的，憤怒的人，你永遠不會得到，並有。

NEVER DESERVED.

永遠不值得。

AND IN 50 DAYS, YOU'LL BE OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE, WITHOUT THE

50天后，你就會離開白宮，而沒有

PROTECTIONS OF EXECUTIVE POWER, AND NO COURT IS GOING TO UPHOLD

保護行政權力，沒有法院會堅持。

YOU PARDONING YOURSELF.

你原諒你自己。

PLUS, YOU'RE UGLY AND YOUR MOTHER DRESSES YOU FUNNY.

另外，你很醜，而你的母親給你穿得很有趣。

AND HERE'S THE THING: ALL THE CONTESTED STATES ARE NOW

現在所有的競爭州都是...

CERTIFIED.

經認證的。

IT'S OVER.

它結束了。

AND STILL, STILL REPUBLICANS ARE TERRIFIED TO SPEAK THAT BASIC

共和黨人仍然害怕說出那句基本的話。

TRUTH.

真相：

TAKE G.O.P. SENATOR AND ORVILLE REDENBACHER AFTER LASIK, RON

以G.O.P. 參議員和ORVILLE REDENBACHER後LASIK，RON。

JOHNSON.

JOHNSON：

IN A PHONE CALL TWO AND A HALF WEEKS AGO, JOHNSON REPORTEDLY

在兩個半星期前的一個電話中，約翰遜報告說：

CONFESSED HE KNOWS BIDEN WON BUT WON'T ADMIT IT, BECAUSE IT WOULD

承認他知道BIDEN贏了，但不承認，因為這將

BE "POLITICAL SUICIDE."

是 "政治自殺"。

REALLY?

真的嗎？

I WOULD SAY THE REAL POLITICAL SUICIDE IS REFUSING TO DISTANCE

我想說，真正的政治自殺是拒絕疏遠。

YOURSELF FROM A PRESIDENT WHO HAS LOST AND IS WILLING TO

你從一個失敗的總統那裡得到的東西，並願意把它送給你。

DESTROY DEMOCRACY AND YOUR PARTY OUT OF SPITE.

摧毀民主和你的黨派，出於怨恨。

IT'S LIKE THE G.O.P. IS SAYING, "HEY, LET'S PLAY HANDS ON A HARD

這就像G. O. P. 是在說，"嘿，讓我們來玩硬的手"。

BODY ON THIS RUNNING PICKUP TRUCK INSIDE THE GARAGE.

車庫內的這臺運行中的皮卡的車身。

NO ONE OPEN THE DOOR TO LET THE OXYGEN IN.

沒有人打開門讓氧氣進來。

THAT WOULD BE POLITICAL SUICIDE.

這將是政治上的自殺。

AND IT WOULD HURT THE TRUCK'S FEELINGS.

而且會傷害到卡車的感情。

SO SLEEPY!

好睏啊！

PLUS, THE PRESIDENT KNOWS HE LOST!

另外，主席知道他輸了！

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?

你知道我怎麼知道的嗎？

BECAUSE HE IS TAKING LEGAL PRECAUTIONS.

因為他採取了法律上的預防措施。

WE HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT HE HAS DISCUSSED PARDONS FOR HIS THREE

我們剛剛得知，他已經討論了對他的三個人的赦免問題。

ELDEST CHILDREN AND RUDY GIULIANI AND HIS SON-IN-LAW,

最年長的孩子和魯迪-吉利安尼和他的女婿。

JARED KUSHNER.

JARED KUSHNER.

NOW, THUS FAR, WE DON'T KNOW THE CRIMES THAT THESE PEOPLE ARE

現在，到目前為止，我們還不知道這些人所犯下的罪行。

GUILTY OF, AND NEITHER DOES THE PRESIDENT.

罪行，而主席也沒有。

HE WOULD BE SHIELDING THEM FROM PROSECUTION WITH WHAT ARE

他將會用什麼來保護他們免受起訴？

KNOWN AS PREEMPTIVE PARDONS.

被稱為 "先發制人的赦免"。

IT'S A CLASSIC MOVE.

這是一個經典的動作。

( AS HUSBAND ) "HONEY I WILL CERTAINLY TELL YOU

（作為丈夫）"親愛的，我一定會告訴你。

WHAT I DID WITH THE NEIGHBOR AFTER YOU FORGIVE ME.

你原諒我之後，我和鄰居做了什麼？

DO YOU FORGIVE ME?

你原諒我了嗎？

GOOD.

好的。

NOW I WON'T TELL YOU, BECAUSE YOU'VE ALREADY FORGIVEN ME, AND

現在我不會告訴你，因為你已經原諒了我，而且...

IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IS THAT REALLY FORGIVENESS?"

如果我必須告訴你，這真的是原諒嗎？"

BUT IT DOES LEAD TO ONE OBVIOUS QUESTION: WHAT ARE THEY GUILTY

但這也引出了一個明顯的問題：他們犯了什麼罪？

OF?

嗎？

FOR SOME OF THEM, IT'S PRETTY EASY.

對他們中的一些人來說，這很容易。

JARED KUSHNER HAS LONG BEEN SUSPECTED OF SHADY FINANCIAL

賈裡德-庫什納長期以來一直被懷疑有不正當的財務行為

DEALINGS, PLUS HE'S OBVIOUSLY SLENDER MAN.

交易，再加上他顯然是個瘦子。

PROSECUTORS ARE INVESTIGATING DON JR. FOR FIRST-DEGREE

檢察官正在調查唐-JR的一級謀殺案

DOUCHEBAG WITH INTENT TO DISTRIBUTE.

有意分裝的手提袋。

I BELIEVE IT GOES NICKEL BAG, DIME BAG, DOUCHEBAG.

和相信它去鎳包，一角包，杜奇包。

AND IVANKA LOOKS LIKE MAYBE SHE SHOPLIFTS FOR THRILLS.

和IVANKA看起來像 也許她購物的樂趣。

HOW ELSE DID SHE GET THAT CAN OF BEANS?

她是怎麼得到那罐豆子的？

I DON'T BELIEVE ERIC HAS VIOLATED ANY LAWS, BUT HE'S

我不相信埃裡克違反了任何法律，但他的

STILL GRATEFUL TO GET A PARDON.

仍然很高興得到赦免。

( AS ERIC ) "THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT

"這是最好的聖誕禮物"。

THAT MY DAD HAS EVER GIVEN ME.

我爸爸曾經給我的。

ALSO, THE ONLY CHRISTMAS GIFT."

還有，唯一的聖誕禮物。"

NOW, AS SOMEONE WHO HASN'T COMMITTED A LOT OF CRIME-- THAT

現在，作為一個沒有犯過很多罪的人來說... ...

I KNOW OF-- A PREEMPTIVE BLANKET PARDON FOR EVERYTHING

我知道... ... 對所有的事情都有優先權的空白赦免。

YOU MIGHT HAVE DONE DONE SEEMS A LITTLE EXCESSIVE.

你可能已經做了，似乎有點過分。

CRIME-ING IS LIKE DRINKING: IT'S A RED FLAG IF YOU DON'T KNOW

犯罪就像喝酒：如果你不知道，那就是紅旗。

EXACTLY HOW MANY DRINKS YOU'VE HAD OR CRIMES YOU'VE DONE.

你到底喝了多少酒，犯了多少罪？

AND IN RUDY'S CASE, HOW MANY CRIMES YOU'VE DONE WHILE

以魯迪為例，你在這期間犯了多少罪？

NOT KNOWING HOW MANY DRINKS YOU'VE HAD.

不知道你喝了多少酒，

SPEAKING OF WHICH, UNLIKE THE KIDS, RUDY IS FACING SPECIFIC

說到這裡，和孩子們一樣，魯迪面臨著特殊的。

ALLEGATIONS.

指控：

THE F.B.I. IS REPORTEDLY INVESTIGATING GIULIANI'S

據報道，FBI正在調查GIULIANI的情況。

UKRAINE EFFORTS, INCLUDING HIS POSSIBLE TIES TO RUSSIAN

烏克蘭的努力，包括他可能與俄羅斯的關係。

INTELLIGENCE.

智力：

ALTHOUGH, RUDY BELIEVES HE CAN PROVE IT'S ACTUALLY THE F.B.I.

儘管魯迪相信他能證明是F. B. I.

THAT'S CORRUPT, BASED ON SOME DOCUMENTS HE GOT FROM HIS

這是腐敗的，基於一些文件，他從他的

FRIENDS IN RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE.

俄羅斯情報界的朋友們。

IT'S FUN TO GUESS WHICH MEMBER OF THE ADMINISTRATION DID WHAT,

猜猜哪位政府成員做了什麼很有趣。

WHICH IS WHY WE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE CREATED THIS FUN

這就是為什麼我們在 "晚間秀 "上創造了這個有趣的東西

"CRIMINAL ACTIVITY PAGE."

"犯罪活動頁面。"

FOR YOU TO DOWNLOAD.

為您下載。

ON THE LEFT, YOU CAN SEE ALL OF THE POTENTIAL PARDON-GETTERS,

在左邊，你可以看到所有的 潛在的赦免申請人。

AND ON THE RIGHT, THERE'S A LIST OF CRIMES, LIKE MONEY

右邊有一個犯罪清單，比如說金錢

LAUNDERING, TAX EVASION, AND SNORTING COKE OFF THE LAST

放炮、逃稅和在最後的時間裡吸食可卡因

LIVING BLACK RHINO.

活著的黑犀牛。

YOU HAVE TO MATCH THE PERSON TO THEIR CRIME.

你必須把人和他們的罪行匹配起來。

AND THERE ARE NO WRONG ANSWERS.

而且沒有錯誤的答案。

OF COURSE, IT'S NOT JUST RUDY AND THE KIDS.

當然，這不只是魯迪和孩子們。

SEVERAL OF THE PRESIDENT'S ALLIES HAVE BEGUN A CAMPAIGN TO

主席的多位盟友已經開始發動一場運動，以達到以下目的

PETITION THE WEST WING IN HOPES OF SECURING PARDONS.

向西翼請願，希望能獲得赦免。

ONE WHITE HOUSE SOURCE SAYS, "YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE AMOUNT OF

白宮的一個消息來源說，"你不會相信的金額，你不會相信。

CALLS-- SOME INSANE-- WE'VE GOTTEN."

呼叫... 一些瘋狂的... 我們已經得到了。"

OH, I BELIEVE YOU'RE GETTING A LOT OF CALLS.

哦，我相信你得到了很多電話。

WHAT I DON'T BELIEVE IS THAT ONLY SOME OF THEM ARE INSANE,

我不相信的是，只有他們中的一些人是瘋狂的。

BECAUSE IT'S NOT JUST MEMBERS OF THIS ADMINISTRATION.

因為這不僅僅是這個政府的成員，

"TIGER KING" JOE EXOTIC'S ATTORNEY SAID HE BELIEVES THEY

"老虎王 "喬伊-埃克索蒂克的律師說他相信他們

ARE CLOSE TO GETTING A PRESIDENTIAL PARDON."

接近獲得總統大赦。"

OH, COME ON.

哦，來吧。

A RIDICULOUS, WASHED-UP, PARANOID, OBVIOUSLY GUILTY

一個可笑的、被洗腦的、變態的、明顯有罪的人

REALITY STAR MIGHT PARDON JOE EXOTIC?

現實中的明星可能會原諒喬伊-埃索蒂克？

( ♪ "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" ♪ >> ASK CAROL ABOUT THIS SLAM!

( "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" >> ASK CAROL ABOUT THIS SLAM!

>> Stephen: EXOTIC SUBMITTED A FORMAL APPLICATION FOR A PARDON,

>> 斯蒂芬：EXOTIC提交了一份正式的赦免申請。

WHERE HE TOLD THE PRESIDENT, "IF I HAVE EVER LOOKED UP TO ANYONE,

他在哪裡告訴主席："如果我曾經仰望過任何人，

IT WOULD BE YOU."

會是你。"

YEAH, JOE EXOTIC HAS MODELED HIS CAREER ON THE PRESIDENT.

是的，喬-埃克索蒂克把他的職業生涯以總統為原型。

I MEAN, THEY EVEN GET THEIR HAIR FROM THE SAME CADAVER.

我的意思是，他們甚至得到的頭髮 從同一個CADAVER。

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

我們已經為你準備了一個很棒的節目，今晚。

MY GUESTS ARE KATE WINSLET AND MICHAEL ERIC DYSON.

我的客人是凱特-溫斯萊特和邁克爾-埃裡克-戴森。

BUT WHEN WE RETURN, IT'S ORGY TIME.

但當我們回來的時候，是奧吉時間。

OH, YEAH.

哦，是的。

STICK AROUND.

堅持下去。

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