And welcome, welcome, welcome to

歡迎，歡迎，歡迎來到

"The Tonight Show."

"今夜秀"。

[ Cheering and applause ] Ladies and gentlemen,

[歡呼和掌聲] 女士們，先生們：

thank you for watching.

謝謝你的觀看。

Thank you for being here.

謝謝你來這裡。

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, we have some good news from overseas

好了，夥計們，我們有一些來自海外的好消息。

in the fight against COVID. Watch this.

在打擊COVID。看這個。

-The UK approved the Pfizer vaccine.

-英國準許了輝瑞公司的疫苗。

It makes the UK the first Western country

它使英國成為第一個西方國家

to give a vaccine to the public outside of trials.

在試驗之外向公眾提供疫苗；

-Wow! Everyone there

-哇！譁！

will have access to the Pfizer vaccine.

將有機會獲得輝瑞疫苗。

Apparently, the UK is now five hours

很明顯，英國現在是5個小時。

and five months ahead of us.

並比我們早五個月。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Americans heard and were like,

美國人聽了，就像。

"I watch 'The Crown.'

"我看《王冠》。

Does that mean I can get it?"

那是不是意味著我可以得到它？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

The news is so good, people in UK

這個消息太好了，英國的人們

got this close to showing emotion.

就差這一點就能表現出感情了。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ English accent ] I feel a tear coming on.

[英語口音]我覺得眼淚都快流出來了。

Fight it! [ Laughter ]

打吧！[笑聲]

Fight it!

打吧！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But this is interesting -- there's an order

但這很有趣... ...有一個順序。

for who gets the vaccine first. It goes

為誰先接種疫苗。它是

codgers, hags, blokes, mums, and, last,

codgers, hags, blokes, mums, and, last,

[ English accent ] wankers. [ Laughter ]

[英語口音]wankers。[笑聲]

That was interesting.

這很有趣。

These are some strange times.

這是一個奇怪的時代。

Right, now Americans are looking

現在，美國人正在尋找

at leader of the UK and thinking,

在英國的領導者和思考。

"I wish we had that guy in charge."

"我希望我們有那個人負責。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

The vaccine over there

那邊的疫苗

is actually the same as American one.

其實和美國的一樣。

The only difference is the British one

唯一不同的是英國的

is drier and more sarcastic.

是比較乾脆的，也是比較諷刺的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I love that joke. [ Laughter ]

我喜歡這個笑話。[笑聲]

Meanwhile, I saw that Vladimir Putin said Russia

同時，我看到普京說，俄羅斯的

will also start vaccinating their people next week.

下週也將開始為他們的人接種疫苗。

Yeah, the vaccine seems like a winner.

是啊，疫苗似乎是一個贏家。

5 out of 5 Russian doctors recommend it.

5名俄羅斯醫生推薦。

[ Slavic accent ] If they know what's good for them.

[斯拉夫口音] 如果他們知道什麼對他們有好處。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And this is great -- Russia's already working

這是偉大的... ...俄羅斯已經在努力了

on a vaccine for whatever is

疫苗

in that vaccine.

在該疫苗。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, I'd eat sushi in Iowa on a Tuesday

說真的，我週二在愛荷華州吃壽司。

before I'd trust a vaccine in Russia.

我才會相信俄羅斯的疫苗。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Hey, some big news from Washington.

嘿，從華盛頓傳來的一些重大消息。

Yesterday, it came out that President Trump

昨天，有消息稱，美國總統特朗普

might give Rudy Giuliani a preemptive pardon.

可能會給魯迪-朱利安尼一個先發制人的特赦。

Well, now, he's thinking about the same thing

現在，他也在想同樣的事情。

for his son-in-law, Jared Kushner;

為他的女婿賈裡德-庫什納。

and his kids Ivanka, Eric, and Don Jr.

和他的孩子伊萬卡、埃裡克和小唐。

Some families get each other sweaters for Christmas.

有的家庭在聖誕節時互相送毛衣。

The Trumps get pardons.

特朗普夫婦得到赦免。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, Trump said he wants to focus

是的，特朗普說他想集中

on taking care of his loved ones,

在照顧他的親人時。

those closest to him,

他最親近的人。

and Eric.

和埃裡克。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's not a great look for your presidency

對你的總統任期來說，這不是一個好兆頭。

when your biggest accomplishment is

當你最大的成就是

"Most Family Members Pardoned."

"大多數家庭成員被赦免。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's pretty crazy. The last person

這是相當瘋狂的。最後一個人

who needed pardons for whole family

傾家蕩產

was Charles Manson.

是查爾斯-曼森。

[ Laughter ] -Oh!

[笑]哦！

-Meanwhile, Mike Pence is also asking for a pardon,

同時，邁克-彭斯也要求赦免。

for the time he accidentally glanced

因為他不小心瞥了一眼

at a picture of Kate Upton.

在凱特-厄普頓的照片。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Drums play ] Mother!

媽媽！

It happened! It happened again!

發生了！又發生了！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It was scary for me, but I slept it off.

這對我來說很可怕，但我睡了過去。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Face-down on the couch.

臉朝下躺在沙發上。

-Yeah.

-是的

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, everybody, Trump is busy.

沒錯，各位，特朗普很忙。

Last night he hosted a White House Christmas party.

昨晚他主持了一個白宮的聖誕派對。

He hosted a party.

他主持了一個聚會。

And he made a pretty big announcement. Listen to this.

他做了一個相當大的聲明。聽聽這個。

-Overnight, President Trump touting his success,

-一夜之間，特朗普總統大肆宣傳他的成功。

hinting at the inevitable, and suggesting

暗示著不可避免的事情，暗示著

another possible run for the White House.

另一個可能競選白宮的。

-Melania heard that and was like,

-梅拉尼婭聽到這句話，就像：

if you think I'm decorating this stupid house again,

如果你覺得我又在裝飾這間愚蠢的房子，

you're nuts!"

你是瘋子！"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Really, another Trump presidency?

真的，又是一個特朗普的總統任期？

That's like the director of "Cats" announcing a sequel.

這就像《貓》的導演宣佈要拍續集一樣。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You can tell Trump's serious about running again

你可以看出特朗普對再次參選是認真的。

because already claiming the 2024 election is rigged.

因為已經聲稱2024年的選舉是被操縱的。

[ Isolated laughs ] If Trump --

如果特朗普...

Thank you, Seth.

謝謝你，塞斯。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Always count on you, buddy.

總是指望你，夥計。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

If Trump won in 2024, he'd be the first president

如果特朗普在2024年勝出，他將成為第一位總統。

to serve nonconsecutive terms since Grover Cleveland,

自格羅弗-克利夫蘭以來，擔任非連續任期。

which Trump thinks is the full name

特朗普認為是全名的

of the fuzzy blue Muppet.

的模糊藍色布偶。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, in four years, Trump's either going to be

沒錯，四年後，特朗普或將成為。

the president of the United States

美國總統

or the cohost of "American Ninja Warrior."

還是 "美國忍者戰士 "的聯合主持人。

[ Laughter ] But there was actually

[笑] 但實際上有

another video taken of Trump's big announcement.

另一個視頻拍攝的特朗普的大宣佈。

I don't know if you've seen this thing.

我不知道你是否見過這個東西。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-[ Coughing ]

-[咳嗽]

[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]

[歡呼聲，口哨聲，和掌聲]。

[ Coughing ]

[咳嗽]

-Ew!

-嗷！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Ugh! A party without masks, people coughing everywhere.

-啊！沒有口罩的派對，到處都是咳嗽的人。

Next, Trump's going to celebrate the eight nights of Hanukkah

接下來，特朗普要慶祝光明節的八個夜晚了

at Walter Reed.

在沃爾特-裡德。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, guys, earlier tonight, NBC aired the

好了，夥計們，今晚早些時候，NBC播出了... ...

88th Annual Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting

第88屆洛克菲勒中心聖誕樹點亮儀式舉行

and I have to say the tree looks amazing.

我不得不說，樹看起來驚人。

It's somewhere between 75 and 80 years old

它的年齡在75歲到80歲之間。

and good news -- at that age, the tree will be one

好消息是--在那個年齡段，這棵樹將是一棵

of the first to receive the vaccine.

的首批接種疫苗。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

If you plan on seeing the tree in person,

如果你打算親自去看這棵樹。

it'll stay lit every day from 6:00 am to midnight,

每天從早上6點到午夜都會亮燈。

pretty much like every parent homeschooling their kids.

就像每個家長在家裡教育孩子一樣。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But, due to COVID, visitors can only see the tree

但是，由於COVID的存在，遊客只能看到這棵樹

for five minutes.

五分鐘。

In response, Dads were like --

對此，爸爸們都很喜歡------。

[ Changes accent ] What are we supposed to do

[改變口音]我們應該做什麼？

with the other four and a half minutes?

與其他四分半鐘？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

See it?

看到了嗎？

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Oh, thank you. Wow, applause?

哦，謝謝你。哇，掌聲？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Some business news -- I heard that Drake

一些商業新聞 -- 我聽說德雷克

is now selling a scented candle that smells like

現在正在銷售一種香味蠟燭，聞起來就像。

himself.

他自己。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Imagine being a scientist and your boss is like,

想象一下，作為一個科學家，你的老闆是這樣的。

"I'm pulling you off the COVID vaccine

"我要把你從COVID疫苗上拉下來

so you can work on the Drake candle."

所以你可以在德雷克蠟燭上工作。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Actually, Drake said it's not even pronounced "Drake."

其實，德雷克說，它甚至不發音 "德雷克"。

It's pronounced "Drah-ké."

它的發音是 "Drah-ké"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Ew!

-嗷！

-That's right, the Drake candle smells like

-沒錯，德雷克蠟燭聞起來就像... ...

musk, ambers, cashmere, suede, and velvet.

麝香、琥珀、羊絨、麂皮和天鵝絨。

I, on the other hand, smell like Speed Stick,

而我呢，聞起來就像 "飛速棒"。

everything bagels, and Purell.

一切百吉餅，和Purell。