凱文-波拉克在柯南上 (Kevin Pollak on Conan)

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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Conan: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WE'RE BACK.
FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT
HAS STARRED IN "USUAL SUSPECTS"
AND "CASINO."
HIS NEWEST FILM
"GRUMPIER OLD MEN" OPENS
TONIGHT.
YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT.
PLEASE WELCOME KEVIN POLLAK
TO OUR PROGRAM!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪♪
>> I HAVE TOOLS.
[ CONAN LAUGHS ]
>> Conan: NOTHING INKS UP
A TALK SHOW STUDIO.
>> NOTHING QUITE LIKE IT,
MY FRIEND.
>> Conan: A BIG OLD CIGAR.
>> HERE WE ARE.
>> Conan: HEY, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH!
>> I CLIPPED THE ENDS OF THESE
FOR YOU IN CASE YOU WANTED IT
TO JUST GO AHEAD AND GO CRAZY
RIGHT HERE.
>> Conan: NO, WELL, WE MAY.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
YUP.
YOU HAVE 210 OF THESE?
>> I8HAVE 74 BOXES THAT I'LL
PASS OUT DURING THE BREAK!
>> Conan: DURING THE BREAK,
RIGHT.
[ EERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU BETTER HAVE THEM NOW.
>> NO KIDDING!
>> Conan: THIS IS
A PREDOMINANTLY NEW YORK CROWD.
THEY'RE GONNA BEAT THE CRAP OUT
OF YOU.
>> LET'S HOPE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Conan: ALL RIGHT, WE'LL SMOKE
THOSE A LITTLE LATER.
>> ALLIGHT!
>> Conan: GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YOU MUST BE IN THE HOLIDAY
SPIRIT, HUH?
>> HOW CAN YOU NOT BE?
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> Conan: THERE ARE A LOT
OF WAYS, BELIEVE ME.
>> IT'S SO CRAZY OUT HERE
IN NEW YORK DURING THE HOLIDAY
SEASON.
>> Conan: IN NEW YORK, THEY TAKE
IT REAL -- ESPECIALLY RIGHT
AROUND ROCKEFELLER CENTER, RIGHT
HERE WITH THE BIG TREE.
>> WELL, IT'S THE BIG SHOPPING
THAT'S A LITTLE NUTTY.
>> Conan: YEAH.
>> YEAH, GETTING AROUND --
TRYING TO GET THROUGH THE STORE,
YOU HAVE TO BE A RUNNING BACK
OR SOMETHING.
IT'S -- I MEAN, IT'S REALLY
NUTS.
>> Conan: IT'S PRETTY INTENSE
OUT THERE.
BUT DO YOU -- I MEAN --
>> GRABBING AND REACHING --
AS MY FRIEND THE GREAT
RAY BELASY WOULD SAY WHILE
SHOPPING IN NEW YORK
DURING CHRISTMASTIME, SORT
OF "GET OFF MY SKIRT."
YOU KNOW, HERE'S WORKING
YOUR WAY THROUGH THE WHOLE
CROWD.
>> Conan: IT'S A SAD THING HERE.
IT RUINS CHRISTMAS.
THEY'VE RAVAGED IT.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DEAL
IS, YOU KNOW?
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LOVE
AND THE SHARING AND THE GIVING?
SCREW IT!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Conan: THERE'S NO MONEY
IN IT.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Conan: LISTEN, LET ME ASK
YOU SOMETHING, THOUGH.
TO GET INTO THE SPIRIT, WHAT DO
YOU LIKE TO DO?
ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE GUYS -- CAN
YOU GO OUT CARING?
CAN YOU SING SONGS?
>> I'LL BE GOING THROUGH
THE NEIGHBORHOODS LATER, DOING
THE CAROLING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Conan: YOU SAY THAT LIKE IT'S
A THREAT.
>> HA, HA, YEAH.
I LOOK -- I LOVE THE CHRISTMAS
ALBUMS, YOU KNOW, KENNY G.'S
ALBUM, THE CHRISTMAS ALBUM.
>> Conan: OH, YEAH.
>> HIS WAS THE
NUMBER ONE-SELLING CHRISTMAS
ALBUM IN THE HISTORY
OF CHRISTMAS.
AND EVERY NOW AND THEN,
CELEBRITY OR WHATNOT PUT OUT
THE CHRISTMAS ALBUMS.
SO I'M TRYING TO AMASS A SORT
OF A COLLECTION, YOU KNOW,
THEY DID THAT "GOLDEN THROAT"
ALBUM WHERE THEY HAD SHATNER
SINGING "LUCY IN THE SKY
WITH DIAMONDS."
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Conan: THAT'S CLASSIC.
THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.
THAT'S GOOD ENTERTAINMENT.
>> YOU CAN'T BEAT THAT
WITH THE ENTERTAINMENT DOLLAR.
SO YOU KNOW, I JUST SORT
OF ENVISION ALL THESE THINGS
COMING TOGETHER WHERE YOU WOULD
HAVE WILLIAM SHATNER SINGING --
[ IMITATING WILLIAM SHATNER ]
"'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"FA, LA, LA, LA, LA."
[ LAUGHTER AND CHEERS ]
>> Conan: UH-HUH.
>> LA, LA, LA, LA.
>> Conan: I WOULD BUY THAT
IN A HEARTBEAT.
>> THAT WOULD BE A LOT OUT
OF THE SHOES.
>> Conan: WHO ELSE ARE YOU GOING
TO GET ON THIS ALBUM?
>> LET'S SEE.
WE COULD GET ALAN ARKIN.
I LIKE TO GO WITH THE ESOTERIC.
[ IMITATING ALAN ARKIN ]
"DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS
OF HOLLY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"I GOT TO BE HONEST, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT A BOUGH OF HOLLY IS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"DO THEY HAVE -- DO THEY COME
IN BALLS, LIKE MELLON BALLS?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT
THE HOLLY --
LITTLE HOLLY BALLS?
I -- "
>> Conan: THAT'S ANOTHER
40 MINUTES.
>> RIGHT.
>> Conan: GOT IT.
>> THAT'S THE LONG VERSION.
THAT'S ABOUT 18 MINUTES.
AND THEN THERE'S THE
ALBERT BROOKS, WHO I WOULD LOVE
TO GET FOR THE ALBUM.
>> Conan: OH, HE'D BE GREAT
TO GET.
[ IMITATING ALBERT BROOKS ]
"I SAW MOMMY KISSING
SANTA CLAUS.
I DON'T FEEL ABOUT GOOD
ABOUT THIS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
"I GOT TO TELL YOU!
YOU KNOW, I'M CONCERNED
FOR MY DAD, YOU KNOW."
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, SHE'S GONNA SAY THAT
SHE THREW HIM OVER FOR THIS OLD
FAT GUY, YOU KNOW?
GOD, HE LOOKS 80, THIS GUY.
>> Conan: OH, I WANT THIS ALBUM.
>> YEAH, IT WOULD BE FUN TO DO.
AND THEN MAYBE I'LL GET
A READING, YOU KNOW.
>> Conan: YEAH.
>> GET NICHOLSON --
[ IMITATING JACK NICHOLSON ]
"'TWAS IT THE T BEFORE
CHRISTMAS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE, NOT
A CREATURE WAS
STIRRING, NOT EVEN A [ BLEEP ]
MOUSE."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Conan: YOU GET ALL OF THEM
TOGETHER --
GET THEM ALL IN ONE ROOM
AND YOU GOT SOMETHING.
LET ME ASK YOU -- I WANT TO MAKE
SURE I ASK YOU ABOUT "CASINO."
BECAUSE THIS IS THE THING.
YOU'VE GOT A MOVIE OUT NOW.
BUT YOU'VE GOT LIKE, EIGHT
MOVIES OUT NOW.
YOU'VE GOT MOVIES CONSTANTLY.
YOU'RE IN "CASINO."
>> SOMETIMES I WISH I WERE ME,
CONAN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Conan: WHY?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Conan: YOU'RE SO LUCKY.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THE --
>> Conan: YOU'RE DOING A MOVIE
WITH SCORSESE, DE NIRO -- THESE
ARE --
>> SHARON STONE, WHO,
BY THE WAY, EVERY DAY
ON MY TRAILER DOOR --
"KEVIN, PLEASE, JUST LET ME IN."
>> Conan: OH.
>> IT WAS VERY SAD.
>> Conan: YEAH.
>> SWEET GIRL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Conan: I'D LIKE TO HELP HER.
>> AND I'M A GIVER, AS IT
TURNS OUT.
BUT THE GREATEST THING --
YOU KNOW, I EXPECTED A VERY
INTENSE SET ON "CASINO"
WITH SCORSESE AND DE NIRO.
I FIGURED A SORT OF BROODING
MIXTURE OF CREATIVITY.
BUT DON RICKLES PLAYS SORT
OF DE NIRO'S HENCHMAN, CASINO
MANAGER.
AND HE COMES ON THE SET,
AND ALTHOUGH HE PLAYS A VERY
STRAIGHT ROLE IN THE MOVIE, WHEN
WE'RE NOT SHOOTING, HE'S JUST
LEVELING EVERYBODY.
BETWEEN EVERY TAKE HE WOULD
SAY -- "THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE
GOING TO DO IT, HUH, BOB?"
"NO, YOU GOT THE ACADEMY AWARD,
I'M SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
DOING."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Conan: HE'S THE ONE GUY WHO
WOULD SCREW WITH DE NIRO.
HE'S THE ONE GUY IN THE WORLD.
>> DE NIRO IS WEEPING
WITH LAUGHTER.
[ CONAN LAUGHS ]
HE JUST LOVED IT.
AND SCORSESE HAS ASTHMA.
AND OCCASIONALLY HE PUTS
ON A LITTLE BREATHING THING.
BECAUSE WE'RE SHOOTING IN LIKE,
A REAL, LIVE CASINO IN VEGAS --
LOTS OF SMOKE AND STUFF.
AND RICKLES WOULD SEE THIS
AND SAY TO DE NIRO, "BOB,
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THE DIRECTOR
WAS DYING!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND AS PESCI WALKS TOWARDS
THE SET AND RICKLES WOULD SAY
TO DE NIRO, "HERE COMES JOE.
JUST THINK, JOE, EIGHT MORE
INCHES, THIS COULD HAVE BEEN
YOUR CAREER, HUH?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
EVERY DAY JOE GETS ON THE PHONE
AND TELLS THE PRODUCTION OFFICE,
"DID DE NIRO SHOW UP?
DAMMIT!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
JUST RELENTLESS, NONSTOP,
AND THESE GUYS WOULD JUST WEEP
WITH LAUGHTER AND SHAKE
UNCONTROLLABLY.
>> Conan: HE'S FEARLESS.
HE CAN GET AWAY WITH IT.
>> NO, IT'S GREAT.
>> Conan: HE'S GREAT
IN THE MOVIE, TOO.
IT'S REALLY --
>> MENACING.
>> Conan: YEAH!
HE'S COMPLETELY UNLIKE YOU'VE
EVER SEEN HIM BEFORE, ACTUALLY.
>> YEAH, "KELLY'S HEROES."
[ CONAN LAUGHS ]
>> Conan: THIS WAS A CLASSIC.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Conan: THE OLD MOVIES.
ALL RIGHT.
>> SURE.
>> Conan: CAN I TALK
ABOUT "USUAL SUSPECTS"?
YOU TOOK THIS MOVIE.
YOU TOOK IT TO CANNES, IS THAT
RIGHT?
[ IN FOREIGN ACCENT ]
>> "THE CANNES FILM FESTIVAL,
THE FESTIVAL DE CANNES."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, OH, THE FRENCH ARE CRAZY
ABOUT ME!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Conan: YOU START DOING
THAT --
YOU START IN THEIR FACE, YEAH.
[ IN FOREIGN ACCENT ]
>> "PARLEZ-VOUS -- DE -- "
>> Conan: YEAH.
>> THEY JUST LOVE AMERICANS WN
WE'RE KOOKY WITH THEIR BAD
ACCENTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Conan: UH-HUH.
>> THE FILM ACTUALLY JUST --
THE CAST FROM "USUAL SUSPECTS"
JUST GOT THE NATIONAL BOARD
OF REVIEW HONOR FOR THE CAST
IN AN ENSEMBLE, A BEST ENSEMBLE
OF THE MOVIE --
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT
THE NATIONAL BOARD OF REVIEW IS.
>> Conan: YOU DON'T QUESTION IT.
>> I'M SO ILLITERATE.
>> Conan: IF IT'S A TROPHY
AND YOU GRAB IT, WHO CARES?
>> Andy: IT'S A KENNEL
ORGANIZATION.
>> IT IS?
SO IT'S --
>> Conan: THEY CATCH DOGS.
>> OH, I SEE.
AND IT'S NATIONAL, SO THAT'S
GOOD, RIGHT?
IT'S THE WHOLE UNITED STATES.
>> Conan: BEAUTIFUL.
>> WELL, THAT'S GOOD.
>> Conan: ALL RIGHT, SO YOU WENT
OVER.
DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME THERE?
DID YOU INSULT PEOPLE WHILE
YOU WERE THERE?
>> I DID.
WELL, YOU KNOW, THE THING IS
I HAD BEEN WARNED THAT
THE EUROPEANS, AND IF WE HAVE
ANY HERE TONIGHT -- THE HELL
WITH YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY DON'T -- HOW CAN I SAY IT
SO DELICATELY -- BATHE AS OFTEN
AS WE DO.
>> Conan: OH!
>> I HAD HEARD --
>> Conan: THAT'S A SERIOUS
STEREOTYPE.
>> SURE, IT IS!
>> Conan: WE DON'T KNOW IF IT'S
TRUE, IS IT?
>> I'M NOT SAYING THEY'RE ALL
STINKY, NO!
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO!
BUT I WAS NOT WARNED
ABOUT THE FABULOUS HALITOSIS.
NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED --
[ LAUGHTER ]
-- BUT WE WOULD BE SHOPPING
IN A STORE AND YOU KNOW, "CAN
I HEEEELP YOU?"
YEAH, YOU KNOW, "STAND
OVER THERE A WHILE BECAUSE -- "
SOMEWHERE -- ONE NIGHT
IN FRANCE, SOMEBODY SLIPPED
IN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
AND SWAPPED THE COLGATE
TOOTHPASTE WITH GORGONZOLA
CHEESE.
I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
VERY SAD.
>> Conan: BY THE WAY, THIS SHOW
IS SHOWN ON THE SUPER CHANNEL
ALL OVER EUROPE.
>> AAH!
>> Conan: SO THERE ARE A COUPLE
OF MILLION PEOPLE RIGHT NOW --
>> THEY LOVE ME!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Conan: THEY HATE YOUR GUTS.
>> JERRY LEWIS, KEVIN POLLAK.
>> Conan: YEAH.
AND OF COURSE THE NEW MOVIE,
"GRUMPIER D MEN," IS THAT
RIGHT?
>> YEAH.
>> Conan: NOW, THIS IS A SEQUEL,
SO YOU'RE WORKING WITH ALL
THE SAME PEOPLE --
>> MATTHAU, LEMMON, ANN-MARGRET,
DARYL HANNAH, BURGESS MEREDITH,
WHO STILL IS CANTANKEROUS
AND FUNNY AS EVER.
AND YOU ADD SOPHIA LOREN.
>> Conan: SHE'S THE NEW ONE.
>> WA, WA, WA, WA, WA.
YEAH, SHE'S TERRIFIC.
SHE IS.
>> Conan: DID YOU DO THAT
TO HER?
>> STUNNING AND ELEGANT --
AY-YI-YI!
>> Conan: WOMEN LOVE THAT!
>> SURE THEY DO!
>> Conan: THEY FIND THAT
ATTRACTIVE.
YEAH.
>> "YOU'RE SO CLASSY," SHE SAID!
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT SHE'S DRIPPING IN ELEGANCE
AND JUST ITALIAN ROYALTY.
I MEAN, SHE'S JUST SO BEAUTIFUL.
>> Conan: WERE PEOPLE IN AWE --
WERE THE OTHER CAST MEMBERS
IN AWE OF HER?
>> WE WERE, WE WERE.
AND SORT OF AROUND EGGSHELLS
AT THE TABLE READING
OF THE SCRIPT WHEN WE FIRST GOT
TOGETHER WITH HER FOR THE VERY
FIRST TIME.
FOR THE REST OF THE CAST IT WAS
A REUNION, YOU KNOW, GETTING
BACK TO TOGETHER.
BUT HERE'S THE NEW GIRL IN TOWN
AND SHE'S JUST GORGEOUS.
I WAS BEING VERY POLITE.
AND WE'RE ALL WAITING
FOR WALTER MATTHAU TO SHOW UP
BECAUSE HE'S LATE.
AND WE'RE JUST SORT OF BIDING
THE TIME, NOT REALLY SAYING
ANYTHING, SORT OF NICETIES.
AND WE'RE WAITING AND WAITING.
AND FINALLY WALTER COMES IN,
WALKS STRAIGHT UP TO HER, HAVING
NEVER MET HER AND SAYS, "GREAT
TO MEET YOU, LOVE TO EAT YOU!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Conan: WHOA!
>> THAT IS A QUOTE!
THAT IS A QUOTE!
SO THAT SORT OF SETS THE TONE
FOR THE WHOLE SHOOT.
>> Conan: NOW, I SHOULD WARN MEN
WATCHING AT HOME, YOU WON'T GET
AWAY WITH THAT.
>> NO.
>> Conan: YOU GOT TO BE
WALTER MATTHAU.
>> MATTHAU GETS AWAY WITH SUCH
A HARASSMENT THAT YOU WOULDN'T
EVEN DREAM OF.
>> Conan: IT WAS ANOTHER TIME.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, THE FILM
"GRUMPIER OLD MEN" OPENS
TONIGHT.
>> TONIGHT, TONIGHT, NATIONWIDE.
>> Conan: PEOPLE SHOULD CHECK
THAT OUT.
>> YEAH.
>> Conan: THANKS SO MUCH
FOR COMING.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Conan: GIVE MY BEST TO --
[ CHEE AND APPLAUSE ]
KEVIN POLLAK, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH OUR HOLIDAY SPECIAL
STARRING CARL "OLDY" OLSON!
STICK AROUND.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]