"The Tonight Show," everybody! We are here!

"今夜秀"，各位！我們到了！

[ Cheers and applause ] Ready to make you laugh!

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 準備讓你笑！

Thank you for watching.

謝謝你的觀看。

Thank you for being here, everybody.

謝謝你們的到來，各位。

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, Thanksgiving is behind us,

好了，夥計們，感恩節已經過去了。

but today was another very big day.

但今天又是一個非常重要的日子。

-It's Cyber Monday, guys. -It is Cyber Monday.

-今天是網絡星期一，夥計們-今天是網絡星期一

-Record Cyber Monday sales. -Cyber Monday is on track

-網絡星期一的銷售記錄。-網絡星期一正在進行中

to be the biggest online sales day in history,

成為歷史上最大的網上銷售日。

with shoppers shelling out up to $12.7 billion today.

與購物者今天掏出高達127億美元。

-Yep, today, Americans spent billions shopping online,

-是的，今天，美國人花了幾十億網購。

or as that's known in 2020, every day.

或在2020年被稱為，每天。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, the whole year has been Cyber Monday.

說真的，今年全年都是網絡星期一。

At this point, all UPS guys are built like Dwayne Johnson.

在這一點上，所有UPS的人都是像德維恩-約翰遜那樣的身材。

"Where do you want this couch?"

"這沙發你要放在哪裡？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

There's deals on everything. There's nose-hair trimmers,

什麼都有優惠有鼻毛修剪器。

scuba equipment, lingerie, and, right now,

潛水設備，內衣，還有，現在。

there's an Amazon worker loading them all into the same box,

有一個亞馬遜的工人把它們都裝進同一個箱子裡。

going, "What is your life?" [ Laughter ]

去，"什麼是你的生活？"[笑聲]

I saw that the jewelry store Jared was offering

我看到賈裡德的珠寶店提供的是

up to 50% off storewide.

全店低至5折。

Though it's kind of weird telling your girlfriend,

雖然告訴女朋友有點奇怪。

"He went to Jared -- on Cyber Monday."

"他去找賈裡德了... 在網絡星期一"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Some political news. On Sunday morning,

一些政治新聞。週日上午。

President Trump did his first post-election TV interview

特朗普總統做了選後的首次電視採訪

with Maria Bartiromo on Fox News.

與瑪麗亞-巴爾蒂羅莫在福克斯新聞上。

It lasted 46 minutes, and I'm getting the sense

它持續了46分鐘，而我得到的感覺是

he's not quite over the election.

他還沒有完全結束選舉。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-Mr. President, thank you very much for being here.

-主席先生，非常感謝你能來這裡。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Even the biggest Trump supporters were like,

-即使是特朗普最大的支持者也是如此。

"Maybe we should let Rudy Giuliani

"也許我們應該讓魯迪-朱利亞尼...

talk about this instead.

談談這個吧。

He's been handling this pretty well."

他處理得很好。"

[ Imitating droplets splashing ]

[模仿水滴飛濺]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Hey.

-嘿

-It started as a conspiracy theory

-它開始是一個陰謀論

about election fraud and turned into a commercial

關於選舉舞弊，並變成了一個廣告

for the Squatty Potty. [ Laughter ]

蹲式便器。[笑聲]

Yeah, I was worried that the end of Trump's presidency

是啊，我還擔心特朗普的總統任期會結束呢

might get embarrassing, but at least he's

可能會變得很尷尬，但至少他是...

only on national TV saying, "Big massive dumps."

只在全國電視上說："大面積的垃圾堆"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, at the White House today,

同時，今天在白宮。

Melania Trump unveiled the Christmas --

梅拉尼婭-特朗普揭開了聖誕---------。

the official Christmas decorations.

官方的聖誕裝飾品。

Take a look.

看看吧

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Laughter ] -Why do they keep putting

[笑] 為什麼他們一直把

Melania in charge of the Christmas decorations?

梅拉尼婭負責聖誕裝飾？

We know she doesn't like doing it.

我們知道她不喜歡這樣做。

Do you want to hear the leaked audio again?

你想再聽聽洩露的音頻嗎？

[ Laughter ] -Yeah.

[笑] 是啊。

Don't put Melania in charge if she doesn't want to do it!

如果梅拉尼婭不想做，就不要讓她負責!

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Make it fun!

讓它變得有趣！

Put Rudy Giuliani in charge of this.

讓Rudy Giuliani來負責這個。

He'll have a Santa leaking eggnog from his side burns.

他會有一個聖誕老人從他的側面燒傷的蛋酒。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Put Jared Kushner on the shelf, change his position every day.

把賈裡德-庫什納放在架子上，每天換個位置。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Melania made him have two middle fingers.

梅拉尼婭讓他有兩個中指。

Have Mike Pence do it. He's so white,

讓邁克-彭斯來做吧他太白了

he's just a top hat and a pipe away from being the new Frosty.

他只是一個頂帽子和一個管子 遠離新的Frosty。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But this year's gingerbread White House is incredible.

但今年的薑餅白宮是不可思議的。

It features more than 400 pounds of dough

它的特點是超過400磅的麵糰。

and a gingerbread man who refuses to leave.

和一個不肯離開的薑餅人。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump must love the decorations,

特朗普一定很喜歡這些裝飾品。

because he's used a tiny gingerbread Oval Office desk

因為他用的是橢圓形辦公室的小薑餅辦公桌。

in his last press conference.

在他的最後一次新聞發佈會上，。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Did you see that? What is he doing?

你看到了嗎？他在做什麼？

Is that a desk? Or is that the tiny table

那是一張桌子嗎？還是那張小桌子？

that separates the pizza from the box?

把披薩和盒子分開的？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And here's some news about the President-elect.

而這裡有一些關於當選總統的消息。

Over the weekend, Joe Biden ran into

上週末，喬-拜登遇到了

a little trouble while playing with his dog.

在和他的狗玩耍時遇到了一點麻煩。

Listen to this. -The President-elect,

聽聽這個-當選總統

he spent Sunday night at the doctor's office

他在醫生辦公室度過了週日的夜晚

after twisting his ankle playing with his dog.

與狗玩耍時扭傷腳踝後。

Biden's doctor says, after a CT scan,

拜登的醫生說，經過CT掃描。

he ended up with hairline fractures in his right foot.

他的右腳最後出現了髮際線型骨折。

He'll probably have to be in a boot for a little while.

他可能要在靴子裡呆上一陣子。

-Biden was like, "Ah, it's no big deal.

-拜登說："啊，這沒什麼大不了的。

I've been dealing with a fractured hairline for years."

我已經和髮際線斷裂打交道多年了。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

When the news broke, Kamala Harris was stretching

當消息傳出時，卡馬拉-哈里斯正在伸展

in the bullpen like, "I guess I'm getting in the game

在牛棚一樣，"我想我得到在遊戲中

sooner than I thought." [ Laughter ]

比我想象的更快。"[笑聲]

"Ooh! Let's go." I feel bad for Biden, though.

"哦 我們走吧"不過我為拜登感到難過

Nobody wants to start a new job in a walking boot.

沒有人願意穿著步行靴開始一份新工作。

It's hard to act tough with China when you have to

當你不得不對中國表現出強硬的態度時，你很難。

leave a press conference on one of those knee scooters.

離開記者招待會 在那些膝蓋滑板車之一。

[ Laughter ] [ Bell ringing ]

[笑聲] [鐘聲]

I couldn't -- I don't know how to make the space work work.

我不能... ... 我不知道如何使空間工作。

You know, those things. [ Bell ringing ]

你知道，這些東西。[鐘聲響起]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Bell ringing continues ] No, okay.

[鐘聲繼續] 不，好吧。

Hey, here's a big -- a big sp-- Here's a burg?

嘿，這裡有一個大的... ... 一個大的... ... 這裡有一個漢堡？

Here's a burg. Here's a burger for you.

這裡有一個漢堡。這裡有一個漢堡給你。

Who else wants a burger? -A burger, I want a burger.

還有誰想吃漢堡？-漢堡，我想要一個漢堡。

-Anybody else want a burger? -Give me a burger.

-還有人要吃漢堡嗎？-給我一個漢堡

-Burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, no problem.

-漢堡，漢堡，漢堡，漢堡，漢堡，漢堡，沒問題。

Oh, here's a big sports story for you here.

哦，這裡有一個體育大新聞給你。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You love sports, don't you, Tariq?

你喜歡運動，對吧，塔裡克？

-Uh, pretty much no. [ Laughter ]

-呃，幾乎沒有。[笑聲]

-Well, here's one for you. The Denver Broncos had to face

-好吧，這裡有一個給你。丹佛野馬隊不得不面對

the New Orleans Saints without any of their quarterbacks.

新奧爾良聖徒隊沒有任何一個四分衛。

Watch this.

看這個。

-In Denver, practice squad receiver Kendall Hinton

-在丹佛，練習隊的接球手Kendall Hinton。

got the start for the Broncos

野馬隊的首發

after all of the team's quarterbacks

傾巢而出

were disqualified over coronavirus concerns.

因冠狀病毒問題被取消資格。

-The Broncos lost, 31-3.

-野馬隊以31比3輸掉了比賽。

Hinton completed just one pass, overall.

欣頓只完成了一次傳球，整體。

-Oh, man. [ Laughter ]

-哦，夥計。[笑聲]

Yeah, the NFL saw the Oscars go without a host and said,

是啊，NFL看到奧斯卡頒獎典禮沒有主持人就說。

"We can top that." [ Laughter ]

"我們可以超越這一點。"[笑聲]

Yeah, the Broncos played without a quarterback and lost, 31-3.

是啊，野馬隊在沒有四分衛的情況下比賽，以31比3輸掉了比賽。

Even more upsetting, the Jets had their starting quarterback

更讓人難過的是，噴氣機隊的主力四分衛。

and still lost just as bad. [ Laughter ]

仍然失去了一樣糟糕。[笑聲]

Listen to this. Tecate beer,

聽聽這個Tecate啤酒

which is made in Holland -- Did you know that?

這是在荷蘭製造 - 你知道嗎？

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-是啊 是啊

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It is made in Holland, so it's now facing a lawsuit

它是荷蘭製造的，所以它現在面臨著一場訴訟

for posing as a Mexican beer.

因為冒充墨西哥啤酒。

Tough year for fans of Mexican beer.

對墨西哥啤酒迷來說，今年是艱難的一年。

You got fake Tecate or you got Corona.

你有假的Tecate或者你有Corona。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Some entertainment news. I saw that Netflix

一些娛樂新聞。我看到Netflix

is being pressured by the British government

在英國政府的壓力下

to put a disclaimer on "The Crown,"

要在 "皇冠 "上寫上免責聲明，。

saying that it's fictional. Yeah.

說這是虛構的。對啊

They also want everyone to know that Helena Bonham Carter

他們還想讓大家知道，海倫娜-博納姆-卡特。

is not actually the Queen's sister.

其實並不是皇后的妹妹。

She's an actress.

她是個演員。

And also, you see those credits you see rolling at the end?

還有，你看到最後滾動的那些字幕了嗎？

Doesn't happen in real life. [ Laughter ]

不發生在現實生活中。[笑聲]

It's what they call a TV show.

這就是他們所說的電視節目。

I don't know what to make of this.

我不知道該怎麼做。

In a new interview, George Clooney revealed

在一次新的採訪中，喬治-克魯尼透露

some interesting information about how he cuts his hair.

一些關於他如何剪頭髮的有趣資訊。

Watch this.

看這個。

-I've been cutting my own hair for 25 years.

-我自己剪頭髮已經25年了。

So, years ago, I bought a -- a thing called a Flowbee.

所以，幾年前，我買了一個... ...一個叫Flowbee的東西。

It comes with a vacuum cleaner and the clippers?

它配有吸塵器和剪子？

-Yes! -Yeah. I still have it.

-是的，是的，我還留著它。

My haircuts take literally two minutes.

我理髮只需要兩分鐘。

I go -- -Is this -- Is this Flowbee?

我走了，這是，這是Flowbee嗎？

-Yeah, it's Flowbee.

-是的，是Flowbee。

[ Laughter ] -What?

[笑聲] 什麼？

-No. -No.

-不 不

-If you think that's crazy,

-如果你覺得這很瘋狂的話..,

I heard he manscapes with a Slap Chop.

我聽說他用的是 "啪啪啪 "的男子漢形象。

[ Laughter ] That's what I heard.

[笑]這是我聽到的。

And, finally, I saw that Oreo is now selling

而且，最後，我看到奧利奧現在賣的是

a cookie-scented candle on their Website.

在他們的網站上有一款餅乾味的蠟燭。

I'm already excited for tomorrow's headline --

我已經為明天的頭條新聞感到興奮了 --

"Florida man rushed to ER after eating lit candle."

"佛羅里達州男子吃了點燃的蠟燭後被送進急診室"

Happy Thanksgiving.

感恩節快樂

I hope everybody had a nice Thanksgiving.

希望大家感恩節過得愉快。

Did you -- Did you -- Did you spatchcock?

你有沒有... 你有沒有... 你有沒有打飛機？

-I did. -You did?

-我有-你做了？

-Yeah. -How did it turn out?

-是啊 結果如何？

-Best turkey I've ever made, man.

-我做過的最好吃的火雞，老兄

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -I mean, yeah.

-哇，哇，哇，哇，哇。-我的意思是，是的。

-Because you've talked the talk before.

-因為你之前已經說過話了.

-I have, but I walk the walk, as well.

-我有，但我也是走在路上的。

-Yeah, but usually you spatchcock

-是的，但通常你都是在打飛機。

and then you throw it on the grill.

然後你把它扔在烤架上。

-Yeah, but -- Yeah, I didn't grill this time.

-是的，但是... ... 是的，我這次沒有烤。

Well, I spatchcocked it, I put it on the grill,

我把它放在烤架上了

but just the oven grill. Like not outside, like on the --

但只是烤箱燒烤。不在外面，就像在...

-Yeah, on the barbecue grill. -Yeah, no.

-是的，在烤肉架上.-是的，不

-But is it better than that, even?

-但它比這更好嗎？

-Better. Better than anything ever.

-更好的。比任何東西都要好

-Spatchcock is the -- You butterfly the turkey.

-斯帕奇克是... 你把火雞弄成蝴蝶。

-Yeah. -Yeah, you take the backbone.

-是的，是的，你拿著骨幹。

-I just told you that Thursday, right?

-我週四才告訴你的，對吧？

-No, last year, you told me. -Oh, yeah.

-不，去年，你告訴我了.-哦，是的

-Yeah, yeah, I mean -- Whatever.

-是的，是的，我的意思是...

I don't really pay attention to you.

我並沒有真正關注你。

[ Laughter ] When -- When --

[笑] 當 - 當 - 當

The night I texted --

我發短信的那晚...

My assistant reads me the texts that you send.

我的助手會讀你發的簡訊給我聽。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

No, you told me you were the doing that,

不，你告訴我你是在做那個。

but I was like, "Oh, did you really do it?"

但我當時想，"哦，你真的做到了嗎？"

You went for it. -Yeah. It was awesome.

你去了-是啊，真是太棒了

-Yeah. It was a -- it was a fun Thanksgiving, I think, for us.

-是的，對我們來說，這是一個...

I mean, we got invited to do the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

我是說，我們被邀請去參加梅西百貨的感恩節大遊行

We got invited to -- oh. Yeah.

我們被邀請到... 哦。Oh. Yeah.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Which is an honor just to even be invited there.

哪怕是被邀請到那裡，也是一種榮耀。

But then we got asked to open

但後來我們被要求打開

the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade,

梅西百貨感恩節大遊行。

which is unbelievable. We were so excited about that.

這是令人難以置信的。我們是如此興奮。

We got -- I got here around 6:40, 6:30, something like that.

我們得到了... 我到這裡大約6: 40，6: 30，類似的東西。

And it was raining cats and dogs.

而且還下起了貓貓狗狗的雨。

I go, "Oh, man."

我走了，"哦，夥計。"

Already, the idea of pulling off a parade is tough.

已經，拉開閱兵式的想法是艱難的。

But to do it during a rain is just gonna be insane.

但在雨天做這件事就太瘋狂了。

But we got there. They did a great job --

但我們到了那裡。他們做得很好...

NBC, also New York City did a great job.

NBC，也是紐約市做得很好。

Thank you, Bill de Blasio,

謝謝你，比爾-德-布拉西奧。

for even letting it happen and do it.

甚至讓它發生並做到這一點。

It made a lot of people happy. So, we were in the Macy's --

這讓很多人都很高興。所以，我們在梅西百貨... ...

Actually in the department store for the first time.

其實在百貨公司第一次。

-Yeah. -That was our holding --

-是的 那是我們持有的...

-That was our dressing room. -It was so bizarre.

-那是我們的更衣室.-太奇怪了.

Our dressing room was in Macy's.

我們的更衣室在梅西百貨。

It was all dolled up for Christmas and all that stuff.

它是所有的裝扮為聖誕節和所有的東西。

And we were practicing the dancing.

而我們在練習舞蹈。

It was like, "Oh, my gosh."

它就像，"哦，我的天哪。"

And we got to perform live, which we never get to do.

而且我們還能現場表演，這是我們從來沒有過的。

-Yeah. -Because if you're on the float,

-是的 因為如果你在浮筒上

there's no way you can mic those things,

有沒有辦法，你可以麥克風這些東西。

so you have to, like, lip-sync to a track.

所以，你必須一樣，脣語同步的軌道。

Which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't.

有時有效，有時無效。

There was one year, it was so cold,

有一年，天氣太冷了。

I couldn't even move my lips. -Yeah, wow.

我連嘴脣都動不了-是啊，哇。

-It was like -- yeah. But it was wild.

-這就像 - 是的。但它是野生的。

And again, I want to thank our choreographer, Sarah O'Gleby,

我要再次感謝我們的編舞莎拉-奧格萊比

who always is just -- [ Cheers and applause ]

誰總是隻是 - [歡呼聲和掌聲]

She is so talented.

她是如此的有才華。

And made it so fun. I love that.

並使其如此有趣。我喜歡這樣

It was -- It was definitely a memorable Thanksgiving.

這是 - 這絕對是一個難忘的感恩節。

But happy we got to do that

但很高興我們有機會這樣做

and make a lot of people laugh and smile.

並讓很多人笑得合不攏嘴。

But another thing happened on Thanksgiving --

但在感恩節還發生了另一件事 --

the dog show, the national dog show.

狗展，全國狗展。

-Mm. -Yeah. You watch that?

-嗯-是的你看了嗎？

-Of course. -Yeah, of course.

-當然了-是的，當然

There was a very interesting dog there.

那裡有一隻非常有趣的狗。

Check this out.

看看這個。