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  • -Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to

    -歡迎,歡迎,歡迎,歡迎,歡迎,歡迎來到。

  • "The Tonight Show," everybody! We are here!

    "今夜秀",各位!我們到了!

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Ready to make you laugh!

    [歡呼聲和掌聲] 準備讓你笑!

  • Thank you for watching.

    謝謝你的觀看。

  • Thank you for being here, everybody.

    謝謝你們的到來,各位。

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

    讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

  • Well, guys, Thanksgiving is behind us,

    好了,夥計們,感恩節已經過去了。

  • but today was another very big day.

    但今天又是一個非常重要的日子。

  • -It's Cyber Monday, guys. -It is Cyber Monday.

    -今天是網絡星期一,夥計們-今天是網絡星期一

  • -Record Cyber Monday sales. -Cyber Monday is on track

    -網絡星期一的銷售記錄。-網絡星期一正在進行中

  • to be the biggest online sales day in history,

    成為歷史上最大的網上銷售日。

  • with shoppers shelling out up to $12.7 billion today.

    與購物者今天掏出高達127億美元。

  • -Yep, today, Americans spent billions shopping online,

    -是的,今天,美國人花了幾十億網購。

  • or as that's known in 2020, every day.

    或在2020年被稱為,每天。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Seriously, the whole year has been Cyber Monday.

    說真的,今年全年都是網絡星期一。

  • At this point, all UPS guys are built like Dwayne Johnson.

    在這一點上,所有UPS的人都是像德維恩-約翰遜那樣的身材。

  • "Where do you want this couch?"

    "這沙發你要放在哪裡?"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • There's deals on everything. There's nose-hair trimmers,

    什麼都有優惠有鼻毛修剪器。

  • scuba equipment, lingerie, and, right now,

    潛水設備,內衣,還有,現在。

  • there's an Amazon worker loading them all into the same box,

    有一個亞馬遜的工人把它們都裝進同一個箱子裡。

  • going, "What is your life?" [ Laughter ]

    去,"什麼是你的生活?"[笑聲]

  • I saw that the jewelry store Jared was offering

    我看到賈裡德的珠寶店提供的是

  • up to 50% off storewide.

    全店低至5折。

  • Though it's kind of weird telling your girlfriend,

    雖然告訴女朋友有點奇怪。

  • "He went to Jared -- on Cyber Monday."

    "他去找賈裡德了... 在網絡星期一"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Some political news. On Sunday morning,

    一些政治新聞。週日上午。

  • President Trump did his first post-election TV interview

    特朗普總統做了選後的首次電視採訪

  • with Maria Bartiromo on Fox News.

    與瑪麗亞-巴爾蒂羅莫在福克斯新聞上。

  • It lasted 46 minutes, and I'm getting the sense

    它持續了46分鐘,而我得到的感覺是

  • he's not quite over the election.

    他還沒有完全結束選舉。

  • Listen to this.

    聽聽這個。

  • -Mr. President, thank you very much for being here.

    -主席先生,非常感謝你能來這裡。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -Even the biggest Trump supporters were like,

    -即使是特朗普最大的支持者也是如此。

  • "Maybe we should let Rudy Giuliani

    "也許我們應該讓魯迪-朱利亞尼...

  • talk about this instead.

    談談這個吧。

  • He's been handling this pretty well."

    他處理得很好。"

  • [ Imitating droplets splashing ]

    [模仿水滴飛濺]

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -Hey.

    -嘿

  • -It started as a conspiracy theory

    -它開始是一個陰謀論

  • about election fraud and turned into a commercial

    關於選舉舞弊,並變成了一個廣告

  • for the Squatty Potty. [ Laughter ]

    蹲式便器。[笑聲]

  • Yeah, I was worried that the end of Trump's presidency

    是啊,我還擔心特朗普的總統任期會結束呢

  • might get embarrassing, but at least he's

    可能會變得很尷尬,但至少他是...

  • only on national TV saying, "Big massive dumps."

    只在全國電視上說:"大面積的垃圾堆"。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Meanwhile, at the White House today,

    同時,今天在白宮。

  • Melania Trump unveiled the Christmas --

    梅拉尼婭-特朗普揭開了聖誕---------。

  • the official Christmas decorations.

    官方的聖誕裝飾品。

  • Take a look.

    看看吧

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • [ Laughter ] -Why do they keep putting

    [笑] 為什麼他們一直把

  • Melania in charge of the Christmas decorations?

    梅拉尼婭負責聖誕裝飾?

  • We know she doesn't like doing it.

    我們知道她不喜歡這樣做。

  • Do you want to hear the leaked audio again?

    你想再聽聽洩露的音頻嗎?

  • [ Laughter ] -Yeah.

    [笑] 是啊。

  • Don't put Melania in charge if she doesn't want to do it!

    如果梅拉尼婭不想做,就不要讓她負責!

  • [ Applause ]

    [掌聲]

  • Make it fun!

    讓它變得有趣!

  • Put Rudy Giuliani in charge of this.

    讓Rudy Giuliani來負責這個。

  • He'll have a Santa leaking eggnog from his side burns.

    他會有一個聖誕老人從他的側面燒傷的蛋酒。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Put Jared Kushner on the shelf, change his position every day.

    把賈裡德-庫什納放在架子上,每天換個位置。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Melania made him have two middle fingers.

    梅拉尼婭讓他有兩個中指。

  • Have Mike Pence do it. He's so white,

    讓邁克-彭斯來做吧他太白了

  • he's just a top hat and a pipe away from being the new Frosty.

    他只是一個頂帽子和一個管子 遠離新的Frosty。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • But this year's gingerbread White House is incredible.

    但今年的薑餅白宮是不可思議的。

  • It features more than 400 pounds of dough

    它的特點是超過400磅的麵糰。

  • and a gingerbread man who refuses to leave.

    和一個不肯離開的薑餅人。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Trump must love the decorations,

    特朗普一定很喜歡這些裝飾品。

  • because he's used a tiny gingerbread Oval Office desk

    因為他用的是橢圓形辦公室的小薑餅辦公桌。

  • in his last press conference.

    在他的最後一次新聞發佈會上,。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Did you see that? What is he doing?

    你看到了嗎?他在做什麼?

  • Is that a desk? Or is that the tiny table

    那是一張桌子嗎?還是那張小桌子?

  • that separates the pizza from the box?

    把披薩和盒子分開的?

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • And here's some news about the President-elect.

    而這裡有一些關於當選總統的消息。

  • Over the weekend, Joe Biden ran into

    上週末,喬-拜登遇到了

  • a little trouble while playing with his dog.

    在和他的狗玩耍時遇到了一點麻煩。

  • Listen to this. -The President-elect,

    聽聽這個-當選總統

  • he spent Sunday night at the doctor's office

    他在醫生辦公室度過了週日的夜晚

  • after twisting his ankle playing with his dog.

    與狗玩耍時扭傷腳踝後。

  • Biden's doctor says, after a CT scan,

    拜登的醫生說,經過CT掃描。

  • he ended up with hairline fractures in his right foot.

    他的右腳最後出現了髮際線型骨折。

  • He'll probably have to be in a boot for a little while.

    他可能要在靴子裡呆上一陣子。

  • -Biden was like, "Ah, it's no big deal.

    -拜登說:"啊,這沒什麼大不了的。

  • I've been dealing with a fractured hairline for years."

    我已經和髮際線斷裂打交道多年了。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • When the news broke, Kamala Harris was stretching

    當消息傳出時,卡馬拉-哈里斯正在伸展

  • in the bullpen like, "I guess I'm getting in the game

    在牛棚一樣,"我想我得到在遊戲中

  • sooner than I thought." [ Laughter ]

    比我想象的更快。"[笑聲]

  • "Ooh! Let's go." I feel bad for Biden, though.

    "哦 我們走吧"不過我為拜登感到難過

  • Nobody wants to start a new job in a walking boot.

    沒有人願意穿著步行靴開始一份新工作。

  • It's hard to act tough with China when you have to

    當你不得不對中國表現出強硬的態度時,你很難。

  • leave a press conference on one of those knee scooters.

    離開記者招待會 在那些膝蓋滑板車之一。

  • [ Laughter ] [ Bell ringing ]

    [笑聲] [鐘聲]

  • I couldn't -- I don't know how to make the space work work.

    我不能... ... 我不知道如何使空間工作。

  • You know, those things. [ Bell ringing ]

    你知道,這些東西。[鐘聲響起]

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • [ Bell ringing continues ] No, okay.

    [鐘聲繼續] 不,好吧。

  • Hey, here's a big -- a big sp-- Here's a burg?

    嘿,這裡有一個大的... ... 一個大的... ... 這裡有一個漢堡?

  • Here's a burg. Here's a burger for you.

    這裡有一個漢堡。這裡有一個漢堡給你。

  • Who else wants a burger? -A burger, I want a burger.

    還有誰想吃漢堡?-漢堡,我想要一個漢堡。

  • -Anybody else want a burger? -Give me a burger.

    -還有人要吃漢堡嗎?-給我一個漢堡

  • -Burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, no problem.

    -漢堡,漢堡,漢堡,漢堡,漢堡,漢堡,沒問題。

  • Oh, here's a big sports story for you here.

    哦,這裡有一個體育大新聞給你。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • You love sports, don't you, Tariq?

    你喜歡運動,對吧,塔裡克?

  • -Uh, pretty much no. [ Laughter ]

    -呃,幾乎沒有。[笑聲]

  • -Well, here's one for you. The Denver Broncos had to face

    -好吧,這裡有一個給你。丹佛野馬隊不得不面對

  • the New Orleans Saints without any of their quarterbacks.

    新奧爾良聖徒隊沒有任何一個四分衛。

  • Watch this.

    看這個。

  • -In Denver, practice squad receiver Kendall Hinton

    -在丹佛,練習隊的接球手Kendall Hinton。

  • got the start for the Broncos

    野馬隊的首發

  • after all of the team's quarterbacks

    傾巢而出

  • were disqualified over coronavirus concerns.

    因冠狀病毒問題被取消資格。

  • -The Broncos lost, 31-3.

    -野馬隊以31比3輸掉了比賽。

  • Hinton completed just one pass, overall.

    欣頓只完成了一次傳球,整體。

  • -Oh, man. [ Laughter ]

    -哦,夥計。[笑聲]

  • Yeah, the NFL saw the Oscars go without a host and said,

    是啊,NFL看到奧斯卡頒獎典禮沒有主持人就說。

  • "We can top that." [ Laughter ]

    "我們可以超越這一點。"[笑聲]

  • Yeah, the Broncos played without a quarterback and lost, 31-3.

    是啊,野馬隊在沒有四分衛的情況下比賽,以31比3輸掉了比賽。

  • Even more upsetting, the Jets had their starting quarterback

    更讓人難過的是,噴氣機隊的主力四分衛。

  • and still lost just as bad. [ Laughter ]

    仍然失去了一樣糟糕。[笑聲]

  • Listen to this. Tecate beer,

    聽聽這個Tecate啤酒

  • which is made in Holland -- Did you know that?

    這是在荷蘭製造 - 你知道嗎?

  • -Yeah. -Yeah.

    -是啊 是啊

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It is made in Holland, so it's now facing a lawsuit

    它是荷蘭製造的,所以它現在面臨著一場訴訟

  • for posing as a Mexican beer.

    因為冒充墨西哥啤酒。

  • Tough year for fans of Mexican beer.

    對墨西哥啤酒迷來說,今年是艱難的一年。

  • You got fake Tecate or you got Corona.

    你有假的Tecate或者你有Corona。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Some entertainment news. I saw that Netflix

    一些娛樂新聞。我看到Netflix

  • is being pressured by the British government

    在英國政府的壓力下

  • to put a disclaimer on "The Crown,"

    要在 "皇冠 "上寫上免責聲明,。

  • saying that it's fictional. Yeah.

    說這是虛構的。對啊

  • They also want everyone to know that Helena Bonham Carter

    他們還想讓大家知道,海倫娜-博納姆-卡特。

  • is not actually the Queen's sister.

    其實並不是皇后的妹妹。

  • She's an actress.

    她是個演員。

  • And also, you see those credits you see rolling at the end?

    還有,你看到最後滾動的那些字幕了嗎?

  • Doesn't happen in real life. [ Laughter ]

    不發生在現實生活中。[笑聲]

  • It's what they call a TV show.

    這就是他們所說的電視節目。

  • I don't know what to make of this.

    我不知道該怎麼做。

  • In a new interview, George Clooney revealed

    在一次新的採訪中,喬治-克魯尼透露

  • some interesting information about how he cuts his hair.

    一些關於他如何剪頭髮的有趣資訊。

  • Watch this.

    看這個。

  • -I've been cutting my own hair for 25 years.

    -我自己剪頭髮已經25年了。

  • So, years ago, I bought a -- a thing called a Flowbee.

    所以,幾年前,我買了一個... ...一個叫Flowbee的東西。

  • It comes with a vacuum cleaner and the clippers?

    它配有吸塵器和剪子?

  • -Yes! -Yeah. I still have it.

    -是的,是的,我還留著它。

  • My haircuts take literally two minutes.

    我理髮只需要兩分鐘。

  • I go -- -Is this -- Is this Flowbee?

    我走了,這是,這是Flowbee嗎?

  • -Yeah, it's Flowbee.

    -是的,是Flowbee。

  • [ Laughter ] -What?

    [笑聲] 什麼?

  • -No. -No.

    -不 不

  • -If you think that's crazy,

    -如果你覺得這很瘋狂的話..,

  • I heard he manscapes with a Slap Chop.

    我聽說他用的是 "啪啪啪 "的男子漢形象。

  • [ Laughter ] That's what I heard.

    [笑]這是我聽到的。