Well, guys, today, President Trump took a break

好了，夥計們，今天，特朗普總統休息了一下。

from his busy schedule of retweeting Randy Quaid

從他忙碌的轉發蘭迪-奎德的推特中脫身出來。

and carried out the presidential tradition of pardoning a turkey.

並執行了總統赦免火雞的傳統。

Here's the big moment between Trump and a turkey named Corn.

這是特朗普和一隻叫玉米的火雞之間的大時刻。

-Corn, I hereby grant you a full pardon.

-康恩，我在此給予你完全的赦免

Thank you, Corn.

謝謝你，玉米。

-Yeah. That's right. The bird needed to be pardoned

-是的。是的，沒錯那隻鳥需要被赦免

after it was let down by its bumbling lawyer,

在它被其笨拙的律師辜負之後。

Rooster Giuliani.

烤朱利安尼。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Yeah, the good news is, the turkey was pardoned.

是啊，好消息是，火雞被赦免了。

The bad news is, Trump didn't wear a mask,

壞消息是，特朗普沒有戴面具。

so he's a goner anyway.

所以他是一個goner反正。

But I hope everyone else wore a mask,

但我希望大家都戴上口罩。

'cause it's gotta be embarrassing

因為這一定很尷尬

if your contact tracing leads back to a turkey pardon.

如果你的聯絡人追蹤到了火雞，請原諒。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I saw that people could go online

我看到人們可以上網

and vote for the turkey they wanted pardoned, Corn or Cob.

並投票給他們想要赦免的火雞，玉米或眼鏡。

Meanwhile, it turns out Corn might've won

同時，原來玉米可能已經贏了。

'cause the vote was rigged by Hugo Chavez.

因為投票是由烏戈・查韋斯操縱的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But this is nice. I heard that before the ceremony,

但這很好。我在儀式前就聽說了。

Corn and Cob stayed at the Willard Hotel.

玉米和柯布住在威拉德酒店。

Take a look at this.

看看這個。

Yeah. As if the hotel industry wasn't going through enough

對啊如果酒店業還沒有經歷足夠的考驗

during COVID, now they got to deal with this --

在COVID期間，現在他們得到了處理這個 -

two turkeys in a suite.

兩隻火雞在一個套房裡。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, while you've been stuck in your studio apartment

是啊，當你一直困在你的工作室公寓裡的時候

for nine months,

9個月。

Corn and Cob have been demolishing the mini bar

玉米和眼鏡一直在拆小酒吧。

and renting movies at the Willard Hotel.

並在威拉德酒店租賃電影。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, the turkeys have been staying at the hotel,

沒錯，火雞一直住在酒店裡。

although it was sad when they saw a feather pillow

雖說看到羽絨枕頭很傷心的樣子

and yelled, "Look what they did to Steve."

並大喊，"看他們對史蒂夫做了什麼。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Some more news about the president.

還有一些關於總統的新聞。

I heard that he's planning to move to Florida,

我聽說他打算搬到佛羅里達去了

and a certain group people are being asked

和某個群體的人被要求

if they might want to go with him. Watch this.

如果他們可能想和他一起去。看這個。

-Members of the president's Secret Service detail

-總統的特勤局成員的細節

have gotten an offer from the Secret Service headquarters

得到了特勤局總部的邀請

asking if they would like to be permanently moved to Mar-A-Lago

問他們是否願意永久地搬到Mar-A-Lago去

with the soon-to-be ex-president Donald Trump.

與即將成為前總統的唐納德-特朗普。

-Yep. When Trump asked who wants to go to Florida with him,

-是的當特朗普問誰想和他一起去佛羅里達的時候。

the agents broke the Guinness World Record

特工們打破了金氏世界紀錄

for the longest silence in history.

為歷史上最長的沉默。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, imagine going from protecting the White House

說真的，想想看，從保護白宮開始

to "The omelet bar is secure."

變成 "煎蛋吧安全了"。

Repeat, the omelet bar is secure."

重複一遍，煎蛋棒就安全了。"

Meanwhile, down at Mar-A-Lago, I read that they're already

同時，在Mar-A-Lago，我讀到他們已經開始了

renovating Trump and Melania's living quarters.

裝修特朗普和梅拉尼婭的生活區。

This is nice. To make Trump feel better,

這是很好的。為了讓特朗普感覺更好。

they're redoing every room to look like the White House.

他們把每個房間都重新裝修成白宮的樣子。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump's actually getting the work done at a good price

特朗普居然把工作做得有聲有色？

'cause they're going to grab all the unused lumber

因為他們會搶走所有閒置的木材。

from the border wall.

從邊境牆。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

So congrats to the Trumps

所以恭喜特朗普夫婦

and whichever bank repossesses that property.

和任何一家銀行收回該財產。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Oh, this is a big story. President-Elect Biden

哦，這可是個大新聞。當選總統拜登

has started naming key members of his cabinet. Check it out.

已經開始命名其內閣的主要成員。看看吧

-President-Elect Joe Biden beginning to build out

-當選總統喬-拜登開始建設

his cabinet with a diverse group

他的內閣由不同的人組成

including Janet Yellen for Treasury Secretary

包括珍妮特-耶倫競選財政部長

and former Secretary of State John Kerry

和前國務卿約翰-克里

to serve as a special envoy on the climate crisis.

擔任氣候危機問題特使。

-Yeah, Janet Yellen and John Kerry.

是啊，珍妮特-耶倫和約翰-克里。

Whoa, baby, get pumped!

哇，寶貝兒，加油！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, when I saw those people,

同時，當我看到那些人。

I was like, "Wait, none of them have been on a game show?"

我當時想，"等等，他們都沒有上過遊戲節目？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Looking at Biden's cabinet versus Trump's

從拜登內閣與特朗普內閣的對比來看。

is basically like comparing the White House to "Animal House."

基本上就像把白宮比作 "動物屋 "一樣。

Listen to this. Joe Biden announced his picks

聽聽這個喬-拜登宣佈了他的人選

for his presidential cabinet this week.

為他的總統內閣本週。

And this is cool. We actually got our hands

而這是很酷的。我們實際上得到了我們的手

on the voicemails Biden left for his cabinet members

關於拜登給內閣成員留下的語音信箱的內容

telling them the good news.

告訴他們這個好消息。

This first one is for his Secretary of State,

這第一張是給他的國務卿的。

Antony Blinken. Take a listen.

Antony Blinken.聽一聽吧

[ Beep ]

[嗶嗶聲]

-What's up, Skip? Just calling to let ya know

-怎麼了，斯奇帕？什麼事，斯奇帕？ - 只是打電話讓你知道

you're gonna be my Secretary of State.

你會成為我的國務卿。

Hey, remember the days when you could marry the secretary?

嘿，還記得你可以娶祕書的日子嗎？

You'd go, "Hey, missy. I have an appointment to see the boss man,

你會說："嘿，小姐。我約了人去見老闆。

but now I'm wondering if I could take you

但現在我想知道，如果我可以帶你走。

to the egg cream stand."

到雞蛋奶油攤。"

[ Click ]

[點擊]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-This next voicemail is for Secretary of Homeland Security,

-下一個語音信箱是給國土安全部部長的。

Alejandro Mayorkas.

Alejandro Mayorkas.

[ Beep ] -Hey, Alejandro.

嘿，亞歷杭德羅。

I need you to keep our country safe from the bad guys,

我需要你來保護我們的國家不受壞人侵害

like teenyboppers who smash your mailbox with a bat

就像那些拿著球棒砸你郵箱的小屁孩兒一樣

from the backseat of a Winnebago,

從溫尼貝戈的後座上。

or Polish guys at the YMCA who slap your back

或者在YMCA拍你的背的波蘭人。

when you're wearing a wet T-shirt.

當你穿著一件溼的T恤時。

[ Click ]

[點擊]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-And finally, this voicemail is for the new Treasury Secretary,

-最後，這個語音信箱是給新任財政部長的。

Janet Yellen.

珍妮特-耶倫。

[ Beep ] -God, how many of these

上帝，有多少個這樣的人

do I have left? Oh, I'm on.

我還有嗎？哦，我在。

Janet Yellen?

珍妮特-耶倫？

You'd be responsible for deciding which money is best.

你會負責決定哪種錢是最好的。

I'm partial to the nickel

我偏愛鎳的

'cause it's given us so many classic games --

因為它給我們提供了這麼多經典遊戲...

Roll the Nickel Down the Hill. Hop Over the Nickel.

滾鎳下山。跳過鎳。

Tease the Nickel. Taste the Nickel.

挑逗鎳。嚐嚐鎳的味道。

-This mailbox is now full.

-這個郵箱現在已經滿了。

Goodbye. -Yeah, that's --

再見。 - 是的，那是...-是的，那是...

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Hop Over the Nickel, that was one of my favorite games.

跳過鎳，這是我最喜歡的遊戲之一。

Some TV news. I saw that "The Queen's Gambit"

一些電視新聞。我看到 "女王的賭博"。

just became the most-watched scripted limited series

剛剛成為最受關注的有限劇集。

on Netflix.

在Netflix上。

It's amazing. All it took

太神奇了所有這一切

was closing every bar, gym, and restaurant in America

正在關閉美國的每一家酒吧、健身房和餐廳。

to get people to care about chess.

來讓人們關心國際象棋。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

And thanks to "The Queen's Gambit,"

多虧了 "女王的詭計"。

sales of chess sets are way up.

棋具的銷售量大增。

Right now, elves in Santa's workshop are like,

現在，聖誕老人工作室裡的精靈們就像。

"Is this some kind of joke?

"這是什麼玩笑嗎？

What's -- Chess sets?"

什麼是--棋具？"

The most popular games are puzzles and chess,

最受歡迎的遊戲是拼圖和象棋。

so get ready for the hottest Christmas of 1927.

所以準備好迎接1927年最熱的聖誕節吧。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It'll be weird when kids are like, "Is it a chess set?

等到孩子們都說："這是一副棋嗎？"那就奇怪了。

Oh, it's just a PS5."

哦，這只是一個PS5。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Thanks, Santa."

"謝謝，聖誕老人。"

It reminds me of when "The Great British Baking Show"

這讓我想起了 "英國烘焙大展 "的時候。

debuted on Netflix,

首次在Netflix上亮相。

and sales of type 2 diabetes medication skyrocketed.

和2型糖尿病藥物的銷量猛增。

Reminds me of that.

讓我想起了這一點。

Get this. I heard that a lot of Peloton customers are upset

得到這個。我聽說很多Peloton的客戶都很不高興。

because their orders have been delayed for months.

因為他們的訂單已經拖延了好幾個月。

Yep. Right now, customers are like,

是的。現在，客戶都喜歡。

"How am I supposed to regret buying this thing

"我怎麼會後悔買這個東西呢？

if it never comes?"

如果它永遠不會來？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You can tell Peloton is getting desperate.

你可以看出佩洛頓越來越絕望了。

Today they mailed people a Schwinn

今天他們給人們郵寄了一個Schwinn

with a 9-inch TV duct-taped to it.

上面貼著9英寸的電視膠布。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Hey, guys, the news can sometimes be pretty heavy.

嘿，夥計們，新聞有時會很沉重。

So I thought I'd take a second to focus, in a poetic way,

所以我想我應該用一秒鐘的時間來關注，用一種詩意的方式。

on some of the news stories that you might have missed

一些你可能錯過的新聞故事。

that are a bit lighter.

是比較輕的。

You'll see what I mean. It's time for "In Lighter News."

你會明白我的意思。現在是 "輕鬆新聞 "的時間。

-♪ In Lighter News ♪

-在打火機新聞

[ applause ]

[掌聲]

-Roses are red, violets are symmetric.

-玫瑰是紅色的，紫羅蘭是對稱的。

15 Philadelphia mobsters indicted

15名費城黑幫分子被起訴

including Tony Meatballs and Joey Electric.

包括託尼肉丸和喬伊電。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Roses are red, violets are plants.

玫瑰是紅色的，紫羅蘭是植物。

Brawl at Colorado In-N-Out ends with customer losing his pants.

在科羅拉多In -N -Out發生的爭吵以顧客失去褲子告終。

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Roses are red, violets have grace.

玫瑰有紅，紫羅蘭有雅。

Martial artist removes 68 bottle caps in 1 minute using his face.

國術師用臉在1分鐘內取下68個瓶蓋。

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Roses are red, violets are glum.

玫瑰花是紅色的，紫羅蘭是憂鬱的。

Fed-up driver makes his son stand in 6-foot pothole

憤怒的司機讓他的兒子站在6英尺的坑洞。

to prove how huge it's become.

來證明它變得多麼巨大。

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

And finally, roses are red, violets are daft.

最後，玫瑰花是紅色的，紫羅蘭是愚蠢的。

Two pilots under investigation

兩名飛行員被調查

for drawing gigantic penis with aircraft.

為畫巨大的陰莖與飛機。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-♪ In Lighter News ♪

-在打火機新聞

And finally, here's some news from overseas.

最後，這裡有一些來自海外的消息。

Queen Elizabeth just launched her own brand of gin.

伊麗莎白女王剛剛推出了自己的金酒品牌。

Yeah, I'm excited about this,

是的，我很興奮。

'cause I think we're a month away

因為我想我們還有一個月就到了。

from the queen launching her own line of vape pens.

從女王推出她自己的vape筆線。

Guys, last night after our show,

夥計們，昨晚我們演出後，

we all went down, me and The Roots,

我們都倒下了，我和Roots。

or The Roots and I went down to --

或者根樂隊和我去了 --

Me and The Roots, right?

我和 "根 "樂隊，對吧？

Went down to Macy's to rehearse our performance

去梅西百貨排練我們的表演。

in the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

在感恩節大遊行中。

-Yeah. -Yeah, it really fun.

-是啊 是啊，真的很有趣。

Obviously socially distant, safe and all of that.

明顯的社會距離、安全感什麼的。

But we didn't know if we're going to do a parade this year

但我們不知道今年是否會有遊行活動。

or not or anything. We actually didn't know.

或不或什麼。我們其實也不知道。

But then we got the call from NBC.

但後來我們接到了NBC的電話。

They were like, "Hey, would you like to be part of it?"

他們很喜歡，"嘿，你想成為其中的一部分嗎？"

And how do you say no to that?

那你怎麼說不呢？

So we were like, "Yeah, let's do it.

所以我們就想，"是啊，讓我們做到這一點。

We got to show up."

我們得出現了。"

So I was like, "Are we going to be on a float?"

所以，我當時想，"我們要在一個浮動？"

'Cause usually we're on a muffin or something.

因為通常我們都是在吃鬆餅什麼的。

-[ Laughs ] Right.

-對

-We've been on guitar.

-我們一直在彈吉他

-Guitar. -Yeah.

-吉他-是啊

-A muffin.

-一個鬆餅

-"Sesame Street."

-"芝麻街"。

-Yeah, what was the "Sesame Street"?

-是啊，"芝麻街 "是什麼？

-Oh, yeah, "Sesame Street."

-哦，對了，"芝麻街"。

We were in, like, a house with those guys.

我們當時和那些人在一個房子裡。

-Yeah. -Weren't we on a train before?

-我們之前不是在火車上嗎？

-I think the first year we were on a train.

-我想第一年我們是在火車上。

-Yeah. -Yeah, we're on a train.

-是的 是的，我們在火車上。

But so anyways, I said, "What float?"

但無論如何，我說："什麼浮動？"

They said, "No float." -Aw.

他們說，"沒有浮動。"-啊

-You guys are dancing in the street.

-你們在街上跳舞

I go, "Alright, cool. I gotcha."

我走了，"好吧，酷。我明白了。"

So we're going to be out there on the street doing it up.

所以我們要在外面的街道上做起來。

It's going to be fun. It's all going down Thanksgiving morning.

這將是有趣的。感恩節的早上就會結束了。

We -- I asked around. I found out how they're doing --

我們... 我四處打聽了一下我發現他們是怎麼做的...

They're doing some of the balloons, I think.

他們在做一些氣球，我想。

I think they're just going around Macy's,

我想他們只是在梅西百貨附近轉悠。

in and out of the revolving door.

進出旋轉門。

-With the balloon. -With the giant balloon, yeah.

-用氣球-用巨大的氣球，是的。

They're just shoving it through. They go, "What is that?"

他們只是把它推過去。他們說："那是什麼？"

And they go, "Just trust me, it's Snoopy.

他們說："相信我，是史努比。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Just trust -- We couldn't blow it up.

相信... 我們不能把它炸掉。

But trust me, that's Snoopy and that's --" Yeah.

但相信我，那是史努比，那是--"是啊。

But, no, they have some cool ideas.

但是，不，他們有一些很酷的想法。

They are going to do something different.

他們要做一些不同的事情。

It's just -- It's exciting

這只是... ... 這是令人興奮的

'cause you can't -- You can't not do the parade.

因為你不能... 你不能不參加遊行。

You got do the parade. -Yeah.

你得去參加遊行-是的

-Yeah. So it's going down, and we'll be there.

-是的所以，它的下降，我們會在那裡。

They have all sorts of fun performances.

他們有各種有趣的表演。

I heard -- "Hamilton," I heard.

我聽到了... "漢密爾頓"，我聽到了。

I heard "Mean Girls."

我聽到 "卑鄙的女孩"。

-Got to have your Rockettes.

-一定要有你的火箭隊

-I think that's what going to, like...

-我想這是什麼去，喜歡... ...

[ Irish accent ] ...bring a tear to me eye,

[愛爾蘭口音]... ...讓我感動得熱淚盈眶。

is what they say.

是他們說的。

You know, it brings out the Irish brogue."

你知道的，它帶出了愛爾蘭的土風。"

-Yeah, man. -You know?

-是的，夥計-你知道嗎？

-And it bring -- -Mine, too.

-我也是...

-Yeah. And what -- What happens --

-是的，那...那... ... 發生了什麼...

What happens when your Irish voice comes out?

當你的愛爾蘭聲音出現時，會發生什麼？

What does it sound like there? -I start to sound like Popeye.

聽起來像什麼？-我開始聽起來像大力水手。