I am your host, Stephen Colbert.

我是你們的主持人，斯蒂芬・科爾伯特

And I'm so glad you're here.

我很高興你在這裡。

And you and you and you, my friends, for this special night.

還有你和你，還有你，我的朋友們，為了這個特別的夜晚。

Because, believe it or not, this is our 1000 Episode 1000 and I wish I wish I could be together with the whole staff right now.

因為，不管你信不信，這就是我們的1000集1000，我希望我現在就能和全體員工在一起。

We it's they've done such an extraordinary job.

我們... ...他們做了一件非常了不起的事情。

The writers, the staff, the editors, the producers, postproduction, the amazing crew off my editorial staff, the lawyers, though the lawyers We planned a big balloon drop which I assume is happening right now in the vacant theater.

編劇，工作人員，編輯，製片人，後期製作，驚人的船員關閉我的編輯人員，律師，雖然律師，我們計劃一個大的氣球下降，我認為這是發生在現在的空置的劇院。

It's happening.

它的發生。

It's happening.

它的發生。

I don't know.

我不知道。

You could lie to me because we're not allowed end.

你可以騙我，因為我們不允許結束。

Someone should really check on my petting zoo down there.

有人真的應該檢查我的寵物園在那裡。

I haven't fed the animals about eight months.

我已經有八個月沒有餵過動物了。

I'm a big star.

我是一個大明星。

Have a petting zoo.

有一個寵物園。

Of course, while we're celebrating, ah 1000 we won't know the real number of shows until they've done the complete hand.

當然，當我們在慶祝的時候，啊1000我們要等到他們做完整手的時候才能知道真正的節目數量。

Recount Georgia.

重新計算格魯吉亞。

Speaking of which were on day six of the current president not admitting he's the soon to be ex president, I'll give you all the DEETs in my latest installment off.

說到這是在第六天現任總統不承認自己是即將成為前總統的時候，我在最新一期關給大家介紹一下DEETs。

I'm a dick, Dick, Dick, Dick Dictator.

我是個屌絲，屌絲，屌絲，屌絲獨裁者。

I'm a Dick Dick Dick Road from the White House.

我是白宮的迪克迪克路。

Those are those Are the actual lyrics to that song people.

這些都是那些實際的歌詞 這首歌的人。

Very, very, very, really singing.

非常，非常，非常，真的在唱歌。

Here's some interesting facts, you tainment.

這裡有一些有趣的事實，你tainment。

No matter how much he screams about it.

不管他如何叫囂。

No one believes the president's claims of victory, not even the president, because aides say he has no real plan to overturn the results.

沒有人相信總統所說的勝利，甚至總統也不相信，因為助手說他沒有真正的計劃來推翻結果。

So same way he defeated Cove it.

所以同樣的方式，他打敗了科夫它。

In fact, the president is so sure he lost that he is talking privately about running again in 2020 for what?

事實上，總統非常肯定自己輸了，所以他私下裡說要在2020年再次參選什麼？

But he's gonna be so old by then forget descending an escalator.

但到時候他就會老得忘了下扶梯了

He'll have to make his announcement from a staircase.

他必須在樓梯上宣佈。

Chairlift.

纜車。

I mean, the guy's 74 for Pete's sake.

我的意思是，這傢伙74歲的緣故。

By 2024 he'll be 78 which is exactly the right age for a president.

到2024年，他就78歲了，這正是一個總統的年齡。

Just a number.

只是一個數字。

Joe, you go get him, buddy.

喬，你去找他，夥計

Drink that inshore.

喝的是近岸。

Are they a sponsor?

他們是贊助商嗎？

They got to be at CBS.

他們必須在CBS。

Are you kidding?

你在開玩笑嗎？

It's all walk in bathtubs around here, right?

這裡的浴缸都是步入式的，對吧？

According to a Reuters Ipsos fact owes poll, nearly 80% of Americans recognize Biden as the winner Do you know how hard it is to get?

根據路透社益普索事實欠調查，近八成美國人承認拜登是贏家你知道有多難嗎？

80% of Americans do agree on anything that isn't smothered in melted cheese.

80%的美國人都同意任何沒有被融化的奶酪悶死的東西。

Even worse for the president and better for democracy Onley.

對總統來說更糟糕，對民主安利更好。

3% said he won, compared to 5% who say they don't know who won.

3%的人說他贏了，而5%的人說不知道誰贏了。

So it's official President Doofus.

所以正式成為杜夫斯總統。

True Fous has just slightly less support than Wow, by the way.

對了，真福斯的支持率只是略低於哇。

3% believe that he won Chris.

3%的人認為，他贏得了克里斯。

What's the margin of error of that poll?

那個民調的誤差率是多少？

5%.

5%.

It is possible that Onley negative 2% of Americans believe he won.

有可能昂利負2%的美國人相信他贏了。

Of course, that negative two would be Eric and Donna.

當然，這個負二就是埃裡克和唐娜了。

The whole administration is joining in on the delusion.

整個政府都加入了這個幻覺。

Apparently, Joe Biden has yet to receive a presidential daily briefing.

顯然，喬-拜登還沒有收到總統每日簡報。

And it is unclear, ladies and gentlemen, whether his team will have access to classified information.

而目前還不清楚，女士們先生們，他的團隊是否能接觸到機密信息。

Well, sure, if Biden wants access to classified national security Intel.

當然 如果拜登想接觸國家安全機密情報的話

Everybody knows he's got to go through the proper channels and buy a membership to March a Lago.

大家都知道，他得通過正當管道，購買March a Lago的會員資格。

But it gets the dumber because the State Department is preventing Biden from accessing messages from foreign leaders.

但更愚蠢的是，國務院正在阻止拜登獲取外國領導人的資訊。

So many of them have reached out to former Obama era diplomats for their assistance on how to send congratulatory messages to Biden's team.

所以，他們中的很多人都聯繫了前奧巴馬時代的外交官，請他們協助如何給拜登的團隊發賀電。

They sound desperate, and they are.

他們聽起來很絕望，而且他們是。

In fact, the president of Iraq had to resort to edible arrangement.

事實上，伊拉克總統不得不求助於可食用的安排。

But of all the intransigent people in the White House, the intransigent ist might be national security adviser and man who shops at the Sunglass Putts.

但在白宮所有頑固的人中，頑固的是t可能是國家安全顧問和在Sunglass Putts購物的人。

Robert O'Brien.

Robert O'Brien.

O'Brien has told his staff.

奧布萊恩已經告訴他的員工。

Don't even mention Biden's name.

連拜登的名字都別提了。

Oh, so the president elect is he who must not be named.

哦，所以當選的總統就是那個不能透露姓名的人。

He's Lord Voldemort still seems nice.

他是伏地魔大人似乎還是不錯的。

He still seems nice.

他看起來還是不錯的。

It seems like no one around the president has the nerve to tell him that he lost, one GOP source said.

似乎總統身邊沒有人有勇氣告訴他，他輸了，一位GOP消息人士說。

It's like dealing with the lunatic on the subway.

這就像在地鐵上和瘋子打交道一樣。

Everyone just kind of sits and stares ahead, pretends they can hear him and wait for him to eventually get off.

大家就這樣坐在那裡盯著前方，假裝能聽到他的聲音，等待他最終下車。

I've got some bad news.

我有一些壞消息。

Just because the lunatic on the subway gets off doesn't mean he'll leave the train.

地鐵上的瘋子下車並不代表他會離開火車。

I'm afraid we we cut the music on that one, Okay?

我怕我們... ...我們把音樂關掉，好嗎？

Despite clinging to the job desperately, he's not actually doing any of it.

儘管他拼命地堅持著這份工作，但實際上他什麼也沒做。

The latest intelligence briefing on the president's schedule was for October 2nd.

關於總統日程的最新情報通報是10月2日。

He really should take the briefings because I'm sure they're full of valuable information.

他真的應該去聽簡報，因為我相信他們充滿了寶貴的資訊。

For instance, he might find out that the United States elected a new president.

比如，他可能會發現，美國選出了新總統。

What has the president been doing with his time Instead?

總統的時間都做了些什麼？

Well, he has been watching even more TV than usual in recent weeks.

嗯，他最近幾周看的電視比平時還多。

MAWR How did he move the Resolute desk to a Best Buy?

MAWR他是怎麼把Resolute辦公桌搬到百思買的？

The president's allergy to reality is hitting epic new heights because the White House is still telling federal agencies to proceed with plans for his February budget.

總統對現實的過敏症正達到史詩般的新高度，因為白宮仍在告訴聯邦機構進行他的2月預算的計劃。

Now that is some industrial strength denial.

這就是工業實力的否認。

At a certain point, even Norman Bates was like, I'm starting to think my mom's not looking too great.

在一定程度上，連諾曼-貝茨都說，我開始覺得我媽的臉色不太好。

If the president's behavior seems familiar, that's because you've seen it in a failed state near you.

如果總統的行為看起來很熟悉，那是因為你已經在你附近的一個失敗的州看到了它。

Refusing to accept the results of a free and fair election are anti Democratic tactics employed by leaders like Robert Mugabi, Nicolas Maduro and Slobodan Milosevic.

拒絕接受自由和公正選舉的結果是羅伯特-穆加比、尼古拉-馬杜羅和斯洛博丹-米洛舍維奇等領導人採用的反民主策略。

That's right.

是的

We've got our own home grown, Slobo don my pillows, bitch.

我們已經有了自己的家產，斯洛波，把我的枕頭給我吧，賤人

Around the world, autocrats are watching this, one expert in Eastern Europe told reporters the president's refusal to concede would create a new model for like minded populists in Europe well, that's convenient timing, because I'm pretty sure he's going to start looking for a new model from Eastern Europe.

在世界各地，獨裁者都在關注這一點，東歐的一位專家告訴記者，總統的拒絕讓步將為歐洲的同類民粹主義者創造一個新的模式，嗯，這是方便的時間，因為我很確定他將開始從東歐尋找新的模式。

Pretty soon the president might not have a plan, but he's still asking supporters to donate to his official election defense fund, and he's not being subtle about it on the website.

很快，總統可能沒有計劃，但他仍然要求支持者向他的官方選舉辯護基金捐款，而且他在網站上並不隱晦。

The buttons are dancing for cash.

鈕釦在跳舞換錢。

That's right.

是的

Shake your little money.

搖搖你的小錢。

Take her the buttons.

把鈕釦拿給她

Real name is Ginger, and it's just dancing until it gets its masters and marine biology.

真正的名字叫金吉婭，它只是在跳舞，直到它獲得碩士學位和海洋生物。

Champagne rooms extra.

香檳房額外。

And there are perks.

而且還有福利。

So I've heard and there are perks.

所以我聽說，還有福利。

For a donation of $2800 you can join the first family circle man.

只要捐款2800元，就可以加入第一家庭圈人。

That's got to be tempting toe.

這一定是誘人的腳趾。

Eric, please let me in.

埃裡克，請讓我進去。

Dad, I'll get the money.

爸爸，我去拿錢。

I just have to sell my beautiful hair.

我只是要賣掉我美麗的頭髮。

But according to the website, at least half of each donation will go to paying off the campaigns debts.

但據該網站介紹，每筆捐款中至少有一半將用於償還競選活動的債務。

One last grift for the road.

最後一個漂流的路。

Before he finally leaves, someone better check into the Maga hat for the White House silverware.

在他最後離開之前，最好有人查到馬加爵的帽子，以換取白宮的銀器。

It gets worse.

越來越糟。

Reportedly, before any money goes to finance election challenges, a donor would have to give more than $8000.

據報道，在任何資金用於資助選舉挑戰之前，捐贈者必須捐贈8000美元以上。

Yeah, that's too much.

是啊，這太多了。

I tried to have a garage sale, but no one wanted my garage and a wall out of hair.

我試過開個車庫拍賣會，但沒人要我的車庫和一牆的頭髮。

I shaved everywhere.

我到處都在刮鬍子。

I'm like an eel.

我就像一條鰻魚。

I like Eddie Ill.

我喜歡Eddie Ill.

I'm sure I'm not sure if that's a accurate depiction of Eric right out.

我不知道這是否是對埃裡克右出的準確描述。

But emotionally, it seems true.

但在感情上，似乎是真的。

Here's how the scam works.

以下是騙局的運作方式。

If a donor gives $500.200 dollars will go to the RNC, while $300 will go to the president's newly formed Save America PAC.

如果一個捐贈者捐出500.200美元，將捐給RNC，而300美元將捐給總統新成立的拯救美國PAC。

Not sure what Save America pack is going to do with the money, but the president has a lot of debt and their mailing addresses grease stained paper bag under park bench in DuPont Circle.

不知道拯救美國包要用這些錢做什麼，但總統有很多債務，他們的郵寄地址在杜邦圈的公園長椅下的油漬紙袋。

Make sure you weren't followed.

確保你沒有被跟蹤。

Use a no.

用一個不。

No matter what the president does, it's pretty clear that the entire first family will not be going quietly.

不管總統怎麼做，很明顯，整個第一家庭都不會安靜下來。

Several GOP sources are telling CNN that the president's eldest son, Donald Trump Jr.

幾位GOP消息人士告訴CNN，總統的長子小唐納德-特朗普。

And his girlfriend, Kimberly Guilfoyle, are right now making moves to expand their influence in the RNC, possibly take it over.

而他的女友金伯利-吉爾福爾，現在正在採取行動，擴大他們在共和黨全國委員會的影響力，可能會接管它。

Don Jr and Guilfoyle are said to be angry at current RNC chair Rana McDaniel seen here right after pushing a barista off a cliff for not adding enough foam.

據說，小唐和吉爾弗伊爾對現任RNC主席Rana McDaniel感到憤怒，在這裡看到的右後，將一名咖啡師推下懸崖，因為沒有添加足夠的保麗龍。

Who they view, is not having done enough to win a close race.

在他們看來，誰也沒有做過足夠的工作來贏得一場激烈的比賽。

So the president, definitely one.

所以總統，絕對是一個。

But it's her fault that he didn't reminds me of that stirring rock anthem My Plan Way lost.

但這是她的錯，他沒有讓我想起了那首激昂的搖滾歌曲《我的計劃之道》失落。

Perhaps more importantly, according to one adviser, D.

也許更重要的是，據一位顧問D。

J.

J.

T J and Kim have had a great time in politics, and they don't want the ride to end.

T J和金正恩在政壇上的日子過得很愉快，他們不想讓這段旅程結束。

Don Jr just loves being on the road or really anywhere where they're a little white lines.

小唐就是喜歡在路上，或者真的在任何地方，他們都是一個小白線。

Kim and Don are already shaken up the RNC's tactics.

金和唐已經動搖了RNC的戰術。

At a fundraiser in December, Guilfoyle reportedly offered to give a lap dance to the person who donated the most money or, in her words, the rest is yet to come.

據報道，在12月的一次籌款活動中，吉爾福耶爾提出要給捐款最多的人跳一支大腿舞，否則，用她的話說，剩下的錢還沒到手。

But Junior's dreams may have been dashed because last night the president endorsed Rana McDaniel for another term as RNC chair.

但小三的夢想可能已經破滅了，因為昨晚總統支持拉納-麥克丹尼爾再次擔任RNC主席。

Ooh, that's gotta smart for Don Jr.

哦，那是小唐的聰明之處。

But on the upside, that is the first time Smart and Don Jr have been in a sentence together.

不過從好的方面來看，這也是Smart和小唐第一次同臺競技。

Regardless of what's going on in the White House, Biden's already putting the wheels into motion.

不管白宮發生了什麼，拜登已經開始行動了。

He's named the transition team, including people like Karen Ah ha!

他任命了過渡團隊，包括凱倫啊哈哈等人!

Gotcha.

抓到你了

Michelle Howard, Chris Lu, Pamela Melroy, Kevin Washburn and Geo Vet Washington.

米歇爾-霍華德、克里斯-盧、帕梅拉-梅爾羅伊、凱文-沃什本和吉奧-維特-華盛頓。

Do you have any idea who those people are?

你知道那些人是誰嗎？

Neither do I.

我也不知道

And I love it.

我喜歡它。

Not one of them has an infomercial or a sports blogger or is related to Joe Biden.

他們中沒有一個人有資訊廣告或體育博客，也沒有一個人與喬-拜登有關。

I can't wait to never buy a pillow for many of them.

我恨不得永遠不買枕頭的很多人。

Yesterday, Biden announce his chief of staff.

昨天，拜登宣佈了他的幕僚長。

It's veteran Democratic adviser and kid who won't let you cheat off his homework but will tutor you for free.

是民主黨資深顧問，也是不讓你作弊的孩子，但會免費給你補習。

Ron Claim.

羅恩聲稱：

Clain was Biden's chief of staff when he was vice president.

克萊恩是拜登擔任副總統時的幕僚長。

On, according to Washington insiders, this hiring is an early signal that Biden intends to rely heavily on experience, competence and political agility after this presidency.

上，據華盛頓內部人士透露，這次招聘是一個早期信號，表明拜登打算在本屆總統任期結束後主要依靠經驗、能力和政治靈活性。

After four years of getting your dental work done by the year piecing teen and Claire's, I think America is ready to try.

經過四年的年拼少年和克萊爾的牙齒工作，我認為美國已經準備好了嘗試。

A dentist, though, will still be spitting out plastic Rhinestones for years to come.

不過一個牙醫，在未來的幾年裡，仍然會吐出塑膠Rhinestones。

Clain claim claim claim with the cabinet.

克萊恩聲稱與內閣索賠。

Clain, don't cut that.

克萊恩，不要切。

Don't you dare cut that.

你敢剪嗎？

Maybe cut that we'll see.

也許切，我們會看到。

Claim has an impressive resume during the Obama administration.

聲稱在奧巴馬政府期間有一份令人印象深刻的履歷。

He served as the Ebola czar.

他曾擔任埃博拉沙皇。

Yes.

是的，我知道

Remember the deadly Ebola pandemic that claimed over 200,000 American lives?

還記得奪走20多萬美國人生命的致命的埃博拉大流行嗎？

No, you don't.

不，你沒有。

Because it didn't happen.

因為它沒有發生。

Thanks to Ron, the main claim.

感謝羅恩，主要訴求。

I don't know what to call him yet.

我還不知道該怎麼稱呼他。

Ron is dry clean.

羅恩是乾洗。

Only that's not it Wolf way.

只是這不是它狼的方式。

That's not it.

不是這樣的

Because, Ron, the man clan doesn't sound right at all.

因為，羅恩，人族聽起來一點都不對。

Okay, We'll find it or we won't claim.

好吧，我們會找到它的，否則我們就不認賬了。

Put a statement out about his new position, saying he looks forward to working with the president and vice president elect to assemble a talented and diverse team toe work in the White House as we tackle their ambitious agenda for change.

將一份關於他的新職位的聲明放出來，說他期待與總統和當選副總統合作，組建一個有才華和多樣化的團隊，以在白宮工作，因為我們解決他們雄心勃勃的變革議程。

Mm.

嗯。

Yeah.

是啊。

Oh, you sexy, sexy, boring man.

哦，你這個性感，性感，無聊的男人。

No slurs, no lies.

沒有汙言穢語，沒有謊言。

He just whips out his bulging binder and makes us Randy for the blandy.

他只是抽出他那鼓鼓囊囊的文件夾，讓我們用蘭迪來換取平淡的生活。

I can't wait to see your staff Chief way.

我已經迫不及待地想看看你的員工主任方式。

Got a great show for you tonight.

今晚有一場好戲給你看

E Michael Moore is here.

邁克爾-摩爾在這裡。