MAN, IMAGINE PEOPLE JUST TUNING IN NOW, LIKE BIDEN HAS WON,

男人，想象一下人們只是調入現在， 就像比登已經贏了。

THEY'RE ALL CELEBRATING AND SOMEONE GETS A TEXT, ST UNDER

他們都在慶祝，有人得到一個文本，ST下。

CBS IS DOING HONEST HEADLINES, NO WAY.

CBS正在做誠實的頭條新聞，不是方式。

BIDEN WON AND HONEST HEADLINES, THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY EVER!

比登贏了，誠實的頭條，這是有史以來最棒的一天!

THIS ONE FROM CBS THAT SAYS FLORIDA MAN JAILED AFTER

哥倫比亞廣播公司的這篇報道說，佛羅里達州的男子被關進了監獄

ASSAULTING 7-ELEVEN WITH SLURPEE.

毆打7 -ELEVEN與SLURPEE。

THAT WAS THE HEADLINE, THE A HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READ

那是頭條，一個誠實的頭條應該有閱讀

ASSAULT AND SLATTERY, ONE FROM THE DAILY MAIL THAT I SAS

攻擊和誹謗，一個從我SAS的每日郵件。

BOYFRIEND DIVED INTO A FISH TANK TO RETRIEVE AN ENGAGEMENT, THE

男友潛入魚缸，挽回了一個約定，這是個很好的機會。

HONEST ONE SHOULD HAVE READ FOOLISH LOBSTER THOUGHT THIS MAY

誠實的人應該已經讀過愚蠢的龍蝦認為這可能是

FINALLY BE THE ONE.

最終成為那個人。

>> HERE'S ONE FROM NPR READS STUDY FINDS PAINTING EYES ON

>> 這裡有一個來自NPR的閱讀研究發現畫眼上的研究。

COW'S BUTT CAN SAVE THEIR LIVES.

牛的屁股可以拯救他們的生命。

THAT IS THE HEAD LINE.

這就是頭條。

THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READ MAN HAS TO COME UP WITH

誠實的頭條新聞應該讀出男人必須拿出

EXCUSE AND FAST.

對不起，快。

HERE'S A HEAD IAN FROM "THE NEW YORK POST" AND IT READS

這是《紐約郵報》的頭條新聞，內容是：

RENAISSANCE PAINTER RAPHAEL GAVE HIMSELF A NOSE JOB IN

新生代畫家RAPHAEL給自己做了一個鼻子的工作。

SELF-PORTRAIT, THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READ

自畫像，誠實的頭條新聞應該讀過了

RAPHAEL DID IT FOR THE GRAM.

RAPHAEL做了它的GRAM。

THAT IS A SHAME.

這是一個恥辱。

IT WAS HARD TO BEAT THE THE LAST ONE.

這是很難擊敗的最後一個。

HARD TO BEAT THE COW [BLEEP].

很難打敗牛[嗶]。

>> JUST FUNNY TO IMAGINE THAT SCENARIO OF A GUY DOING THAT.

>> 想象一下一個傢伙這樣做的場景，真是有趣。

>> James: THAT IS WHY IT IS FUNNY.

>> 詹姆斯：這就是為什麼它是有趣的。

THAT IS WHY IT IS FUNNY.

這就是為什麼它是有趣的。

>> JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT GUY PAINTING EYES ON A COW'S BUTT.

>> 想到那個在牛屁股上畫眼睛的傢伙。

OH BOY, THEY CAUGHT ME, I NEED AN EXCUSE, THE-- THE LAUGHS COME

哦，夥計，他們抓住了我，我需要一個藉口，笑聲來了。

TRAILING IN.

追蹤中。

>> James: YEAH.

>> 詹姆斯。YEAH.

I WONDER IF YOU COULD UNPACK EVERY HONEST HEADLINE FROM A

我想知道，如果你能從一個誠實的頭條新聞中解開每一個人的名字

COMEDIAN PERSPECTIVE.

喜劇演員的視角。

>> LET ME KNOW.

>> 讓我知道。

>> James: ALL RIGHT, HERE'S ONE FROM FOX NEWS, AND IT READS

>> 詹姆斯。好吧，這裡有一個從福克斯新聞， 它讀到：

COLORADO ZOO LIVE STREAMS GIRAFFE BIRTH, THAT IS THE

COLORADO ZOO現場直播GIRAFFE的誕生，這就是GIRAFFE的誕生。

HEADLINE.

HEADLINE：

THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READ HERE COMES THE HEAD AND THE

誠實的頭條應該讀到這裡來的頭和。

NECK AND THE NECK AND THE NECK.

脖子和脖子和脖子。

BECAUSE GIRAFFES ARE TALL.

因為草魚很高。

>> ONE OF THE TALLER ANIMALS AND SPECIFICALLY IN THE NECK AREA.

>> 高大的動物之一，特別是在頸部區域。

>> James: EXACTLY.

>> 詹姆斯。正是如此。

YOU'RE RIGHT, THE LEGS ARE LONG BUT THERE ARE OTHER ANIMALS WITH

你是對的，腿是長的，但也有其他動物有。

THAT AREA OF LEGS T IS REALLY A NECK-BASED ANIMAL.

腿部的那塊區域是真正的頸部動物。

>> RIGHT, RIGHT, PROCESS OF ELIMINATION, THE NECK IS THE

>> 正確，正確，消除的過程，頸部是關鍵。

FUNNY PART, YOU KNOW.

有趣的部分，你知道的。

>> James: HERE'S HEADLINE COMES FROM ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

>> 詹姆斯：《娛樂週刊》的頭條是這樣的。

T READS GEORGE R.R. MARTIN SAYS-- WILL BE DIFFERENT IN THE

T閱讀喬治-R.R.馬丁說--將在不同的。

BOOK.

書。

>> IT SHOULD HAVE READ GEORGE R.R. MARTIN STILL WRITING "GAME

>> 它應該讀喬治-R.R.馬丁仍在寫 "遊戲"。

OF THRONES" BOOK FOR SOME REASON.

"王座 "的書，因為一些原因。

BECAUSE IT'S DONE, WE FEEL LIKE IT IS FINISHED.

因為它已經完成了，我們覺得它已經完成了。

>> PEOPLE MOVED ON AFTER THE HBO PROGRAM WAS OVER.

>> HBO節目結束後，人們轉移了。

>> James: BUT HE IS STILL WRITING THE BOOKS.

>> 詹姆斯。但他仍然在寫書。

>> YEAH.

>> 是的。

>> James: FOR SOME REASON.

>> 詹姆斯。出於某種原因。

I THINK THERE IS MORE PEOPLE WATCHING THIS IN THIS ROOM THAN

我想在這間屋子裡看這個的人應該比我還多

ARE WATCHING THIS ON TV.

正在電視上看這個。

(LAUGHTER).

(笑)：

>> Reggie: DEFINITELY.

>> 雷吉：肯定的。

I MEAN.

我的意思是。

>> I THINK WE ARE GOING TO BE ON VERY, VERY LATE AT NIGHT IF WE

>> 我想我們要在非常，非常晚的晚上，如果我們。

ARE ON.

是在。

>> James: YOU THINK THIS WON'T BE ON 12:307.

>> 詹姆斯。你認為這不會是在12: 307。

>> IF BIDEN ON TRUMP GIVES A SPEECH THEY MIGHT GO TO THAT

>> 如果比登對特朗普發表演講，他們可能會去那個。

BEFORE THEY GO TO YOU, NO INSULT.

在他們去找你之前，不要侮辱。

>> YOU ARE A REAL PIECE OF [BLEEP], YOU KNOW THAT.

>> 你是個真正的廢物，你知道的。

(LAUGHTER).

(笑)：

>> James: HERE'S THE HEADLINE THAT COMES FROM CNN AND IT READS

>> 詹姆斯。這裡的標題是來自CNN的，它寫道

COLLEGE STUDENT SAYS A PROFESSOR TOLD HER NOT TO BREASTFEED

COLLEGE STUDENT SAYS A PROFESSOR TOLD HER NOT TO BREASTFEED

DURING ONLINE CLASS.

在線課程期間。

THAT IS THE HEADLINE.

這是標題。

THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READ IF HE FINDS THAT

誠實的頭條新聞應該有閱讀，如果他發現。

DISTRACTING TRY BEING MILKED BY A TINY LITTLE PERSON.

分散的嘗試被一個小小的人擠奶。

>> HERE'S ANOTHER HEADLINE FROM CNN AND IT READS DISNEY PLUS NOW

>> 美國有線電視新聞網的另一個標題是 "迪斯尼+"。

LET'S YOU BINGE WATCH WITH FRIENDS VIRTUALLY.

讓你和朋友們一起視頻觀看。

THAT IS THE HEADLINE.

這是標題。

THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READ ADULTS REALLY INTO DISNEY

誠實的頭條應該讀出成人對迪斯尼的真正喜愛。

STILL WATCHING ALONE.

還在獨自觀看。

DO YOU FIND THAT WEIRD?

你覺得奇怪嗎？

DON'T YOU.

你不要。

>> THAT IS WEIRD.

>> 這是奇怪的。

>> JUST ADULTS IN GENERAL.

>> 只是一般的成人。

>> JUST ADULTS, WHEN YOU GO TO THE PARK, AND YOU SEE LIKE A

>> 只是成年人，當你去公園，你看到像一個

COUPLE IN THEIR 30S.

30多歲的夫婦。

WITH LIKE ALL THE GEAR ON.

與像所有的齒輪上。

>> YOU KNOW THEY ARE GOING HOME AND HAVING SEX ON MICKEY MOUSE

>> 你知道他們要回家和米奇老鼠做愛了

SHEETS.

紙張。

>> James: YEAH, I DON'T GET IT AND THEY LIKE YEAH, I SEE THEM

>> 詹姆斯。是的，我不明白這一點，他們喜歡是的，我看到了他們。

COMING I'M LIKE IN HERE GUYS.

來吧，我喜歡在這裡的傢伙。

I WALK IN LIKE A GIANT SLURPEE AND GOOFY OUTFIT OR SEE THEM

我走在像一個巨大的slurpee和GOOFY服裝或看到他們。

GETTING PHOTOS.

獲取照片。

WITH LIKE YOU KNOW, BUZZ LIGHT-YEAR.

與喜歡你知道，嗡嗡輕年。

LIKE A GUY TAKING A PHOTO OF HIS WIFE WITH LIKE MEHTA FROM CARS

就像一個人從汽車上拍了一張他的妻子的照片與喜歡的梅塔。

2.

2.

YOU KNOW ALL THE TIME HE'S LIKE WHAT DO YOU DO.

你知道他總是喜歡你做什麼。

>> HERE'S ONE, HERE IS THE HEADLINE FROM FOX NEWS, AND IT

>> 這裡有一個，這裡是福克斯新聞的標題，它是：

READS MIKE TYSON SAYS HIS 2020 VOTE WAS THE FIRST OF HIS LIFE.

閱讀MIKE TYSON說他的2020年投票是他生命中的第一次。

THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE RED TIESON PUNCHED BALLOT,

誠實的頭條新聞應該有紅色的TIESON打票。

BECAUSE HE'S A BOXER.

因為他是個拳擊手。

>> ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS PUDGE ILIST.

>> 最著名的餡餅列表之一。

>> James: HE IS KNOWN FOR PREDOMINANTLY BOXING AND A IMHON

>> 詹姆斯。他主要以拳擊和IMHON而聞名。

THING PEOPLE SAY HE PUNCHED A BALLOT BUT IT WORKS IF BOTH WAYS

人們說他打了一張選票，但它的工作，如果兩邊都是。

BECAUSE YOU PUNCH A BALLOT BUT ALSO SUCK HIM INTO A JAW BONE.

因為你打了一張選票，但也把他吸進了顎骨。

>> WE CAN CHALK THAT RIGHT UP TO WORD PLAY.

>> 我們可以把它歸結為文字遊戲。

>> James: WE CAN CHALK THAT ONE UP TO WORD PLAY, THAT IS

>> 詹姆斯。我們可以把這句話歸結為文字遊戲，那就是：

ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

絕對正確。

WE CHALKED IT UP, A WORD PLAY CHALK.

我們CHALKED起來，一個字玩CHALK。

OKAY.

好的。

HERE'S ONE WERE FROM PEOPLE.

這裡有一個來自人民。

AND IT SAYS AMERICAN PERFECT THEIR COFFEE MAKING SKILLS

它說，美國人完美的咖啡製作技能。

DURING PANDEMIC, THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READ IT WAS

DURING PANDEMIC, THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE READING IT WAS.

THE BARISTA TIMES, IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES.

巴里斯塔時代，它是最糟糕的時代。

WHERE ARE WE CHALKING THAT ONE.

我們在哪裡CHALKING那一個。

>> WE JUST NEEDED SOMETHING TO FILL IN THERE.

>> 我們只是需要一些東西來填補那裡。

>> James: WE DID, WE NEEDED SOME DOWN TIME BEFORE THIS NEXT

>> 詹姆斯：我們做到了，我們需要一些時間下來之前，這下一個。

ABSOLUTE BANGER.

絕對的爆炸。

>> CLEAR THE RUNWAY.

>> 清理跑道。

>> HONEST HEADLINE FINAL JOKE, PERMISSION TO LAND.

>> HONEST HEADLINE 最後的笑話，允許降落。

WITHIN AND FINALLY HERE'S THE HEADLINE FROM THE HUFFINGTON

最後，這裡是《赫芬頓報》的頭條。

POST THAT READS PIZZA SHOP OWNER THAT WARTS RONERY BY TOSSING PIE

閱讀文章披薩店老闆通過扔餡餅來傷害Ronery的文章。

AT SUSPECT.

在嫌疑人。

THAT WAS THE HEADLINE.

那是頭條。

THE HONEST HEADLINE, THAT IS A SPICY PIZZA.

誠實的頭條，這是一個辣味比薩。

>> WHEN WE COME BACK WE'RE TALKING TO HENRY WINKLER.

>> 當我們回來的時候，我們要和亨利-溫克勒談談。