I'm Jimmy Fallon, anchoring hour 30

我是吉米-法倫，主播30小時的節目

of NBC's election-night coverage.

的NBC的選舉夜報道。

Come on. It's 2020.

來吧，現在是2020年。這是2020年。

Did you really think last night would end up wrapped up

你真的以為昨晚的事情會結束嗎？

with a neat little bow?

用一個整齊的小蝴蝶結？

Seriously, today, it felt like waking up with a hangover,

說真的，今天，感覺一覺醒來，就像宿醉了一樣。

then realizing you're still at the bar.

然後意識到你還在酒吧。

"What time is it?"

"現在是什麼時間？"

What a long, emotional, and confusing ride this has been.

這是一段多麼漫長、情緒化和混亂的旅程。

It's like a Matthew McConaughey car commercial that won't end.

這就像馬修-麥康納的汽車廣告，不會結束。

Meanwhile, you think you're stressed.

同時，你認為你有壓力。

Imagine how President Trump feels.

想象一下特朗普總統的感受。

In two months, he's either getting

兩個月後，他要麼得到

inaugurated or incarcerated.

就職或入獄；

It was a crazy night.

這是一個瘋狂的夜晚。

Here's what most people heard

以下是大多數人聽到的內容

right before they went to bed.

就在他們睡覺前。

-Too close to call.

-險象環生

-Too close to call. -Too close to call.

-險象環生-太接近了

-Too close to call. -Too close to call.

-險象環生-太接近了

-Yeah, the one thing we know for sure is, no more polls.

-是的，我們可以肯定的是，沒有更多的民意調查。

That's it. Done, okay? No more polls, alright?

就這樣吧完成了，好嗎？沒有更多的民意調查，好嗎？

From now on, the only time Americans want to hear

從現在開始，美國人唯一想聽到的就是

about a poll is if they're talking about Santa

關於民意調查是，如果他們談論的是聖誕老人。

or strippers.

或脫衣舞娘。

♪♪

♪♪

Yep, today, pollsters saw a different blue wave

是的，今天，民調專家們看到了不同的藍波。

right as they were slowly walking into the ocean.

就在他們慢慢走進大海的時候。

At this point, I'd rather hear predictions from

在這一點上，我更願意聽到來自

the guy trying to guess my weight at a carnival.

那個在嘉年華會上想猜我體重的人。

Pollsters were basically us when we really think

民意調查員基本上是我們，當我們真正認為

we've nailed a parallel park but then get out of the car

我們已經釘住了一個平行的停車場，但隨後下車。

and see we're about 14 feet from the curb.

我們離路邊大約有14英尺。

It's like, "Honey, look out.

這就像，"親愛的，小心。

You don't want to scrape the bottom of the do--

你不會想刮到底部的do --

Oh, actually, well, we could fit a Le Car

哦，其實，我們可以裝一輛Le Car。

between where we parked and where the..."

在我們停車的地方和..."

-Le Car. [ Laughter ]

-Le Car.[笑聲]

I knew you'd laugh at "Le Car."

我就知道你會嘲笑 "Le Car"。

From now on, when you release a poll,

從現在開始，當你發佈一個投票。

just say both candidates are tied

勢均力敵

with a margin of error of 100.

誤差率為100。

As we speak, some states are still tallying the votes.

就在我們說話的時候，一些州還在統計選票。

Somehow, Chuck E. Cheese can count a million tickets

不知道為什麼，查克奶酪可以數出一百萬張票。

on the spot, and we still can't count the votes in three days?

在現場，我們還不能在三天內統計票數？

I can't take the suspense anymore.

我再也受不了這種懸念了。

My stress eating has gone from brownies to ice cream

我的壓力飲食已經從布朗尼變成了冰激凌。

to just pouring raw cake mix down my throat.

把生蛋糕粉倒進我的喉嚨裡。

Yep, the race is still too close to call.

是的，比賽還是太接近了。

Apparently, a lot of voters looked at

很顯然，很多選民看中了

90,000 COVID cases a day and thought,

一天9萬個COVID案例，並認為。

"Sure, I can do four more years of this."

"當然，我可以再幹四年。"

Experts still can't believe the race is this tight.

專家們仍然不敢相信比賽會如此激烈。

Apparently, people were voting based on which candidate

顯然，人們是根據哪位候選人來投票的。

they want to drink bleach with.

他們想喝漂白劑，

But one of the big stars of the election night

但大選之夜的一個大明星

was America's sweetheart

是美國的甜心

and MSNBC political correspondent Steve Kornacki,

和MSNBC政治記者Steve Kornacki。

who is on our show this evening.

誰是我們今天晚上的節目。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Guy was working the touch-screen map like a magician.

蓋伊像個魔術師一樣在操作觸屏地圖。

All night long, he was shown on the "Kornacki Cam."

整個晚上，他都在 "科納基凸輪 "上顯示。

You see that?

你看到了嗎？

MSNBC basically treated him like

MSNBC基本上把他當成

a panda that was about to give birth.

一隻即將分娩的熊貓。

Last night was incredibly tense,

昨晚的氣氛非常緊張。

and you could tell the newscasters were feeling it.

你可以告訴新聞主播的感覺。

Even CNN's graphics guy, who does the banner

就連CNN的平面設計人員，也是做橫幅的人

at the bottom of the screen, was stressed out.

在螢幕下方，被強調。

Take a look at this.

看看這個。

-And when Florida's close, it comes down to the I-4 corridor.

-佛羅里達州接近的時候，就到了I-4走廊了。

-But a tremendous amount of Democratic vote

-但是，大量的民主黨選票。

are still outstanding at...

還在...

-You know, that's nearly 30 points there -- 28 points.

-你知道，那是將近30個點，28個點。

-That puts him at 17,000, 18,000 votes.

-他的票數是17,000，18,000。

-With this wild and different 2020,

-有了這個狂野而不同的2020年。

mail-in voting, in-person early voting.

郵寄投票、當面提前投票；

If he saw this and, say, it's past midnight...

如果他看到這個，比如說，已經過了午夜... ...

The question is,

問題是：

is that just the early votes or are there votes?

是隻有提前投票還是有投票？

Wayne County...

韋恩縣...

-And they are going to count ballots

-他們要去計票

that come in postmarked by Election Day.

在選舉日之前以郵戳為準。

-It was no longer off the map,

-它已經不再是地圖上的東西了。

like they thought it was after 2016.

就像他們認為是2016年以後。

-And, so, what I'm trying to do is

-所以，我想做的是... ...

identify where, specifically, in this county...

具體到本縣的哪裡...

-He's moving to Belgium.

-他要去比利時了

He's moving to Belgium.

他要去比利時了

Well, very early this morning, Biden spoke to a drive-in crowd

今天一早，拜登向駕車的人群發表了演講。

in Wilmington, Delaware, and he told us that we need patience.

在特拉華州威明頓，他告訴我們，我們需要耐心。

But I'm not sure it's one of America's strengths.

但我不確定這是美國的優勢之一。

I mean, if a TikTok video isn't fun in the first 3 seconds,

我的意思是，如果一個TikTok視頻在前3秒就不好玩了。

we're like, "Ah, next."

我們很喜歡，"啊，下一個。"

Yeah, we just have to be patient in a country

是啊，我們只需要在一個國家耐心等待。

that literally invented a Domino's tracker

多米諾跟蹤器的發明者。

so we know exactly when our pizza will arrive.

這樣我們就能知道我們的披薩什麼時候能到了。

Like, "It's in the oven, honey! It's in the oven!

就像，"它在烤箱裡，親愛的!它在烤箱裡！

He's almost here! He's almost here!

他快到了！他快到了！

Honey, wave to him. Make sure he knows it's us."

親愛的，向他揮手。確保他知道是我們。"

But this is very interesting.

但這是非常有趣的。

Joe Biden actually got more votes

喬-拜登居然得了更多的票

than any other candidate in history.

比歷史上任何其他候選人都要多。

-Wow.

-哇。

-Yeah.

-是的

So, once again, how is this even close?

那麼，再一次，這又是怎麼一回事呢？

Meanwhile, Trump spoke from The White House

與此同時，特朗普在白宮發表講話

early this morning, and he seemed upset

今天一早，他似乎很不高興

that the results weren't immediately called in his favor.

的結果沒有立即叫他滿意。

Watch this.

看這個。

-We were getting ready for a big celebration.

-我們正準備參加一個盛大的慶祝活動.

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

-哦，是的-是的

-We were winning everything.

-我們贏得了一切

And, all of a sudden, it was just called off.

而且，突然之間，就這樣被叫停了。

Literally, we were just all set to get outside

從字面上看，我們剛準備好到外面去

and just celebrate something that was so beautiful, so good.

並只是慶祝的東西，是如此的美麗，那麼好。

-Aww. That's too bad.

-啊.那太糟糕了

I'd hate for the election to get in the way of a good party.

我不希望選舉影響到一個好的政黨。

Yeah, Trump also lashed out at the voting process

是啊，特朗普還對投票過程進行了抨擊。

and made a pretty bold claim.

並提出了一個很大膽的要求。

Take a look at this.

看看這個。

-This is a fraud on the American public.

-這是對美國公眾的欺詐。

This is an embarrassment to our country.

這是我們國家的恥辱。

We were getting ready to win this election.

我們已經準備好贏得這次選舉。

Frankly, we did win this election.

坦率地說，我們確實贏得了這次選舉。

-Yeah. If you're keeping track, in the same speech,

-是的，如果你沒記錯的話，是在同一篇演講中

Trump claimed the election was a fraud and an embarrassment

特朗普稱選舉是舞弊和尷尬

and then declared victory.

然後宣佈勝利。

I don't think we should correct Trump.

我認為我們不應該糾正特朗普。

Just nod along, put him in a fake White House,

只要點點頭，讓他住進假白宮。

and let him spend the next four years

讓他在接下來的四年裡

thinking he's in charge.

以為他是負責人。

Who cares, right?

誰在乎呢，對吧？

Well, as you can might expect, Trump has been

正如你所料，特朗普一直在。

tweeting a lot today, and you could tell he's getting worried,

今天發了很多微博，可以看出他開始擔心了。

because one of his posts said...

因為他的一個帖子說...

Dude, they're not finding votes.

夥計，他們沒有找到選票。

They're counting them.

他們在計算他們。

Because no one wanted to leave the house

因為沒有人願意離開這個家

because there's a pandemic!

因為有一個大流行病！

Gosh!

天哪！

Trump's getting close to being like,

特朗普越來越接近像。

"Okay, forget about the votes.

"好了，忘了投票的事吧。

Let's measure this thing in retweets."

讓我們用轉發量來衡量這個事情。"

Oh, and before we go any further,

哦，在我們繼續之前，

here's some extremely important election news.

這裡有一些非常重要的選舉新聞。

-Voters in New Jersey have passed

-新澤西州的選民已經通過了

a constitutional amendment

修憲

legalizing recreational marijuana.

娛樂性大麻合法化；

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

-That's right -- weed is legal in New Jersey.

-沒錯，大麻在紐澤西是合法的。

You just know there's already guy walking around

你只知道已經有人在附近走動了

in a tie-dye track suit.

穿著扎染的運動服。

He's like, "Excuse me.

他就像，"對不起。

You guys like, uh...

你們喜歡，呃...

You guys like Phish?

你們喜歡Phish嗎？

You like the Phish?

你喜歡Phish嗎？

Like the Phish.

像Phish一樣

May wake up with a fish in your bed. A fish."

可能醒來時，你的床上有一條魚。一條魚。"

♪♪

♪♪

Listen, when you're home to the Jets and Giants,

聽著，當你的家是噴氣機隊和巨人隊的時候，

you got to make drugs legal.

你得讓毒品合法化。

Now that weed is legal, New Yorkers

現在大麻是合法的，紐約人。

driving into New Jersey are gonna go from

開車進入新澤西州是要去從

rolling their windows up to rolling them down.

把他們的窗戶搖起來，搖下來。

It's like, "Ahh!"

這就像，"啊！"

And this makes sense.

而這是有道理的。

Once Jersey legalized weed, they also voted to put a Wawa

一旦澤西州將大麻合法化，他們也投了票，把一個瓦瓦的

on their state flag.

在其州旗上。

So far, legalized weed has been a little rough.

到目前為止，合法化的大麻還有些粗糙。

Every time the mob buries a snitch, they forget where.

每次黑幫埋下一個告密者，他們就會忘記在哪裡。

But if you think legal weed is a big deal,

但如果你認為合法的大麻是個大問題。

just listen to what Oregon did.

聽聽俄勒岡的做法吧。

-Oregon voters passing measure to decriminalize

-俄勒岡州選民通過措施，使之非刑罪化。

small amounts of cocaine, heroin, and other drugs.

少量可卡因、海洛因和其他毒品；

-I'm sorry.

-對不起

I'm sorry. A small amount of heroin?

我很抱歉。少量的海洛因？

Who is only doing a small amount --

誰只做了一小部分 --

Show of hands -- does anyone know someone

舉手示意 -- -- 有誰認識誰？

who casually does heroin?

誰會隨便吸食海洛因？

Just a little bit?

就一點點？

"I just do it on the weekends.

"我只是在週末做。

Yeah, I do it sometimes when I drink."

是啊，我喝酒的時候有時也會這樣做。"

I do heroin -- a little bit."

我吸食海洛因--一點點。"

And, finally, earlier today,

最後，今天早些時候。

Gap tried to send a message of unity over Twitter

Gap試圖在Twitter上發出團結的資訊。

by posting a short video of a red-and-blue hoodie

通過發佈一個紅藍連帽衫的短視頻。

with the caption...

附帶標題...

Kind of weird, right?

有點奇怪，對吧？

Trying to bring the country together

試圖讓國家團結起來

when your name is The Gap.

當你的名字是Gap。