and the week that everyone wants to go away.

和大家都想走的一週。

Seriously, can we just skip this week?

說真的，我們能不能跳過這個星期？

I mean, no one wants this week.

我的意思是，沒有人想要這個星期。

If 2020 was a week, this would be it.

如果2020年是一個星期，這將是它。

We don't want this week.

我們不希望這個星期。

Let's get to the news and jokes. Well, guys, we're almost there.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。好了，夥計們，我們快到了。

We made it to the night before the election.

我們到了選舉前夜。

Seriously, I haven't felt this stressed out

說真的，我從來沒有感到這麼大的壓力。

since literally every day since March.

自3月以來幾乎每天都有。

[ Laughter ] That's right --

[笑] 這是正確的 -

it's election eve, and everyone is nervous.

這是選舉前夕， 和每個人都緊張。

President Trump's gonna spend all night

特朗普總統要花一整晚的時間

waiting for Vladimir Putin to come down the chimney.

等著弗拉基米爾-普京從煙囪裡下來。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Russian accent ] Heh-heh-heh.

[俄羅斯口音] 嘿嘿嘿。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Normal voice ] Seriously, I feel like

[正常聲音] 嚴重的是，我覺得像

I'm at the very top of a roller coaster,

我正處於雲霄飛車的最頂端。

and I know the guy in front of me is going to throw up.

我知道我前面的人要吐了。

It's like... [ Laughter ]

這就像...[笑聲]

"Just brace yourself, man. Ohh! Come on."

"振作起來吧，夥計。哦，來吧。"

Yup, tomorrow, the only places

是啊，明天，唯一的地方

that'll be more crowded than the polls

人滿為患

are liquor stores. [ Laughter ]

是酒類商店。[笑聲]

"Three bottles of Tito's?

"三瓶鐵托的酒？

Yeah, that should get me through the night."

是啊，這應該能讓我度過這個夜晚。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Here's how tense things are --

這裡的事情是多麼的緊張 --

earlier today, I walked in on my stress doll squeezing himself.

今天早些時候，我走進了我的壓力娃娃擠壓自己。

[ Laughter ] "Someone's in here! Ohhh!"

[笑聲] "有人在這裡!Ohhh！"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Someone's in here!"

"有人在這裡！"

A lot of people are -- across the country

很多人都... 全國各地

are really stressed about tomorrow's election,

是真正的壓力 明天的選舉。

but I saw this commercial for something that can help.

但我看到這個廣告的東西，可以幫助。

Check it out.

看看吧

-State of the world got you down?

-世界狀況讓你失望了？

Want to release the tension building inside of you?

想釋放你內心的緊張情緒嗎？

Take your mind off your problems with the Fidgey Whatsy!

用Fidgey Whatsy!

The Fidgey Whatsy is a new stress-relief toy

Fidgey Whatsy是一款新的緩解壓力的玩具。

here just in time for the election.

這裡正好趕上選舉。

You can spin it. You can squeeze it.

你可以旋轉它。你可以擠壓它。

You can spin and squeeze it.

你可以旋轉和擠壓它。

Uh, yeah, that's been happening.

嗯，是的，這一直在發生。

We built these for the amount of stress

我們建造這些東西是為了承受更大的壓力

people were having two months ago,

人們在兩個月前有。

not off-the-charts numbers this week.

本週不離譜的數字。

But don't worry -- that's why we started

但別擔心... 這也是我們開始的原因。

selling them in packs of 20.

一包20個賣

See how many you can break!

看看你能打破多少！

The Fidgey Whatsy --

The Fidgey Whatsy --

for when you need to make the next two days go fast.

以備你需要在接下來的兩天裡快速發展的時候使用。

-That's right. [ Applause ]

-這就對了。[掌聲]

I saw heading into tomorrow that Trump leads

我看到進入明天，特朗普領先

by 21 points among white voters without a college degree.

在沒有大學學歷的白人選民中，增加了21個百分點。

In other words Trump is leading with any voter

換句話說，特朗普在任何選民中都是領先的。

who attended Trump University.

就讀於特朗普大學的他。

[ Laughter ] And this is big.

[笑]這是大。

I saw that Biden leads Trump among black voters

我看到拜登在黑人選民中領先特朗普。

by a count of 87 to 5.

以87票對5票，

Hang on -- never mind.

等一下... 算了

That was actually the score of yesterday's Chiefs/Jets game.

這其實是昨天酋長隊和噴氣機隊比賽的比分。

Never mind. [ Audience groans ]

不要緊。[觀眾呻吟]

-Ohh!

-哦！

-But listen to this -- Trump has apparently told people

-但是聽著這個 -- 特朗普顯然已經告訴了人們

that he's going to declare victory tomorrow night

他將宣佈明天晚上的勝利。

if it looks like he's ahead.

如果看起來他是領先的。

Trump said this isn't true.

特朗普說這不是真的。

He's gonna declare victory if he's ahead or behind.

如果他領先或落後，他就會宣佈勝利。

[ Light laughter ]

[輕笑]

"It's close in Casper, Wyoming? Release the balloons."

"懷俄明州的卡斯帕很近嗎？放出氣球。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's like the guy on "Man v. Food"

就像 "人與食物 "裡的那個人一樣。

taking one bite from a 30-foot burrito

三尺竿頭，更進一步

and slapping his name on the wall.

並把他的名字拍在牆上。

"I basically did it, right? You don't --

"我基本做到了，對吧？你不...

You really want to see me eat the whole -- Come on."

你真的想看我吃下整個... ...來吧。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

What do you think is going to happen?

你覺得會發生什麼？

The "Man v. Food" guy.

那個 "人爭食 "的傢伙。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

At this point, the only thing Trump can declare

在這一點上，特朗普唯一能宣佈的就是

without anyone questioning him is bankruptcy.

沒有人質疑他就是破產。

[ Audience oohs ] -Mm.

[觀眾嚯嚯] 嗯。

-Yep. Trump told confidantes that,

-是的特朗普對密友們說：

if he's ahead on election night,

如果他在選舉夜領先，

he's planning on just declaring victory early.

他打算提前宣佈勝利。

I thought this was pretty much unheard of,

我以為這是很平常的事情。

but then I was watching TV last night.

但我昨晚在看電視。

It turns out it's more common than you think.

事實證明，這比你想象的要常見。

Check this out.

看看這個。

-Are you an older gentleman?

-你是一位老先生嗎？

Are you running for president in tightly contested race?

在激烈的競爭中，你要競選總統嗎？

We know what you're going through,

我們知道你正在經歷什麼。

and we know it might be embarrassing,

我們知道這可能是尷尬的。

but you're not alone.

但你並不孤單。

Premature election.

過早的選舉。

Because not everyone can raise their polls.

因為不是每個人都能提高自己的民調。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-Well, after his plan to declare victory got out,

-好吧，在他宣佈勝利的計劃被洩露之後。

Trump denied it to reporters,

特朗普向記者否認了這一點。

but check out when he said about counting ballots.

但看看他說的計票時。

-I think it's a terrible thing

-我覺得這是件很糟糕的事情

when ballots can be collected after an election.

何時可以在選舉後收集選票；

I don't think it's fair that we have to wait

我認為這不公平，我們必須等待。

a long period of time after the election.

在選舉後的很長一段時間內。

-So instead of the Biden/Harris campaign bus,

-所以，代替拜登/哈里斯的競選大巴，

Trump supporters will switch to running mail trucks

特朗普支持者將改用跑郵車

off the road.

岔道。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's always a good time when your candidate says,

當你的候選人說，這總是一個好時機。

"As long as nobody counts the ballots, the election is ours."

"只要沒人統計選票，選舉就是我們的。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But heading into tomorrow, everybody's eyes on the polls,

但進入明天，大家的目光都集中在民調上。

especially in swing states.

特別是在搖擺州。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-In the critical battleground states,

-在關鍵的戰場州：

a poll from "The New York Times" and Siena College

紐約時報》和錫耶納學院的民意調查

shows Biden leading Trump in four key states --

顯示拜登在四個關鍵州領先特朗普--。

up by 6 points in Arizona, 3 in Florida,

在亞利桑那領先6分，在佛羅里達領先3分。

6 in Pennsylvania, and 11 points in Wisconsin.

賓夕法尼亞州6分，威斯康星州11分。

-At this point, the best thing Biden can do

-在這一點上，拜登能做的最好的事情是：

to win the election is to lose his voice.

贏得選舉就是失去了他的聲音。

"Just don't say anything, don't do anything, just --

"什麼都不要說，什麼都不要做，只是... ...

don't put your glasses on or take them off --

不要戴上或摘下你的眼鏡 --

just don't do anything.

只是不做任何事情。

Get the corn dog away from him.

讓玉米狗離他遠一點

No corn dog! No corn dog! No!"

沒有玉米狗！不要玉米狗！不要！"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Don't do it. Just stay home."

"不要這樣做。呆在家裡吧。"

It's like bringing a kid into antique store.

這就像把一個孩子帶進古董店。

"Don't touch anything. Just don't touch anything.

"什麼都不要碰。就是什麼都不要碰。

I know it looks like it's -- just don't touch."

我知道它看起來像... ... 只是不要碰。"

Of course, Trump is trying to do

當然，特朗普是想做

whatever he can to turn things around.

不惜一切代價來扭轉局面。

He's been holding rally after rally across the country.

他在全國各地舉行了一次又一次的集會。

Check it out.

看看吧

-14 states between Saturday and today.

-從週六到今天，14個州。

They are focused on Pennsylvania.

他們的重點是賓夕法尼亞州。

-Trump will spend the entire day on the road,

-特朗普會花一整天的時間在路上。

holding five rallies,

舉行五次集會。

his final one -- late tonight in Michigan.

他的最後一個... 今晚晚些時候在密歇根州。

That's also where he held his final rally back in 2016.

這也是他在2016年舉行最後一次集會的地方。

-Yep, he wants everything to be the same as 2016.

-是的，他希望一切都和2016年一樣。

That's why Trump spent half the rally

這就是為什麼特朗普在集會上花了一半時間的原因

doing the mannequin challenge.

做人體模型的挑戰。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Let's talk about the Democratic ticket.

我們來談談民主黨的票。

Today, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris

今天，喬-拜登和卡馬拉-哈里斯

held their final campaign events in Pennsylvania,

在賓夕法尼亞州舉行了最後的競選活動。

where they were joined by some special guests.

在那裡，他們與一些特殊的客人一起。

-Joe Biden will be in Pittsburgh today, accompanied by Lady Gaga.

喬-拜登今天將在匹茲堡，由Lady Gaga陪同。

Senator Kamala Harris be over in Philadelphia with John Legend.

參議員卡瑪拉・哈里斯在費城和約翰・萊吉德在一起。

The Democrats obviously hoping that some star power

民主黨顯然希望一些明星的力量

will add some attention to their campaign.

會給他們的活動增加一些關注度。

-Yeah, Lady Gaga in Pittsburgh makes sense.

-是啊，Lady Gaga在匹茲堡也說得通。

I mean, her dresses have single-handedly

我的意思是，她的衣服已經單槍匹馬地。

kept the steel industry in business.

使得鋼鐵行業的發展。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Backstage, Biden was like,

在後臺，拜登就像。

"Say, did you ever tour with a fella named Whistlin' Frank?"

"說，你有沒有和一個叫口哨弗蘭克的傢伙一起巡演？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Played the spoons."

"玩勺子"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Back in Washington, everyone is on edge about tomorrow.

回到華盛頓，每個人都在為明天而緊張。

And at the White House, they're beefing up security.

而在白宮，他們正在加強安保工作。

Look at this.

看看這個

-Less than 24 hours before the big day,

-在大日子前不到24小時。

there is a non-scalable fence

藩籬

expected to go back up around the White House today.

預計今天將重新回到白宮周圍。

-At this point, I'm not sure if Trump's trying

-在這一點上，我不知道特朗普是否想... ...

to keep protesters out or keep himself in.

把抗議者擋在外面，或者把自己關在裡面。

[ Light laughter ]

[輕笑]

Oh, and this is making a lot of news.

哦，這可是個大新聞。

At a rally last night in Florida,

昨晚在佛羅里達州的一次集會上。

the crowd started chanting, "Fire Fauci!"

人群開始高呼："火燒福齊！"

And Trump had a very interesting response.

而特朗普的迴應也非常有趣。

Take a look.

看看吧

[ Crowd chants "Fire Fauci "] -Hmm.

[人群高呼 "Fire Fauci"] 嗯。

[ Chanting continues ]

[誦讀繼續]

-Don't tell anybody, but let me wait till

-不要告訴任何人，但讓我等到...

a little bit after the election, please.

選舉結束後，請稍作休息。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

I appreciate the advice.

我很感激你的建議。

-Mm. In a few days, we might be getting COVID updates

-嗯幾天後，我們可能會得到COVID的更新。

from Dr. Lil Wayne.

李爾-韋恩博士的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

The campaign has finally drawn to a close.

活動終於拉開了帷幕。

And after hundreds of rallies, I think this clip best sums up

而在經歷了上百次的集會之後，我認為這個片段是最好的總結。

Trump's closing argument

特朗普的最後陳述

for why he believes he deserves a second term.

為為什麼他認為自己值得連任。

♪♪

♪♪

-If you're Italian, do you happen to like

-如果你是意大利人，你會不會碰巧喜歡

Christopher Columbus?

克里斯托弗-哥倫布？

"Chris-to-for." Huh?

"克里斯對換。"咦？

-What?!

-什麼？

♪♪

♪♪

-How another one of Trump's strongest closing arguments?

-怎麼又是特朗普最強的結案陳詞？

-Yeah.

-是的

♪♪

♪♪

-You know why they're trying to talk everybody out of voting?

-你知道為什麼他們要勸大家不要投票嗎？

People aren't buying it, CNN, you dumb bastards.

人們不買賬，CNN，你們這些蠢貨。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Laughter continues ]

[笑聲繼續]

-Well, this is a big story.

-這是個大新聞。

The Biden campaign canceled an event in Texas

拜登競選活動取消了在德克薩斯州的活動。

after a pretty scary incident. Watch this.

經過一個相當可怕的事件。看這個。

-A caravan of President Trump supporters

-特朗普總統的支持者大篷車。

surrounding a Biden/Harris bus.

圍繞著拜登/哈里斯的巴士。

The vehicles tried to slow down the bus

這些車輛試圖讓巴士減速

and also run it off the road.

而且還能跑到路外去。

-Yeah, great.

-是的，很好

That was my biggest complaint about this year --

這是我對今年最大的抱怨 --

it wasn't quite "Mad Max" enough.

它還不夠 "瘋狂的麥克斯"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, speaking of driving,

嗯，說到開車。

check out what Hertz is doing to help people vote.

看看赫茲正在做什麼來幫助人們投票。

-Hertz, meanwhile, is helping people get the polls.

-同時，赫茲正在幫助人們進行民意調查。

Starting today, as part of its drive to vote program,

從今天開始，作為其投票計劃的一部分。

any customer who rents a car for two or more days

凡是租車兩天或以上的顧客。

will get a free rental day.

將獲得一個免費的租賃日。

-Dollar Rental was planning the same thing,

-元寶租賃公司也在計劃著同樣的事情。

but, unfortunately, all their cars

但不幸的是，他們的車都

are "active crime scenes."

是 "活動犯罪現場"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Chuckles ]

[笑]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Here's some news from overseas.

下面是一些來自海外的消息。

[ Laughs ]

[笑]

That joke's too real for a couple of people.

這個笑話對幾個人來說太真實了。

"Yeah, that's scaring me." -Yeah, yeah.

"是啊，這讓我很害怕。"-是啊，是啊。

[ Laughter ] -Here's some news from overseas.

這裡有一些來自海外的消息。

Just came out that Prince William

剛出來的威廉王子

had the coronavirus back in the spring.

有冠狀病毒 早在春天。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-Prince William, second in line to the British throne,

-威廉王子，英國王位第二繼承人。

tested positive for coronavirus in April,

4月，冠狀病毒檢測呈陽性。

but, controversially, choosing to keep his diagnosis a secret.

但有爭議的是，他選擇對自己的診斷保密。

-Man, Prince William must have gone crazy.

-天啊，威廉王子一定是瘋了。

I mean, imagine being cooped up in just 795 rooms.

我的意思是，想象一下被關在795個房間裡。

[ Laughter ] -Oh, man.

[笑] 哦，夥計。

-Here's some news that isn't about the election or the virus.

-這裡有一些新聞，不是關於選舉或病毒的。

A Canadian man sued Canada Dry for making false claims.

加拿大一名男子起訴加拿大幹公司提出虛假索賠。

Let's see how that went.

讓我們看看結果如何。

A B.C. man has won a class-action lawsuit

不列顛哥倫比亞省一名男子打贏了一起集體訴訟。

against the makers of Canada Dry Ginger Ale.

對加拿大幹姜啤酒的製造商。

Victor Cardoso alleged that the advertising slogan

Victor Cardoso稱，廣告語

"Made from Real Ginger" was misleading

"用真姜製成 "有誤導性

and the product contained no ginger.

且該產品不含生薑。

He was awarded $200,000, most of which will go to legal fees.

他獲得了20萬美元的賠償，其中大部分將用於法律費用。

-That's -- That's it. I'm suing Mountain Dew

-就這樣，就這樣。我要起訴山露水

for not being made from mountains or dew.

因為不是由山和露水組成的。