I lost my child.

我失去了我的孩子。

But you lost your childhood.

但你失去了你的童年。

Your mother.

你媽媽

She's gonna always be there.

她會一直在那裡。

I'm pretty sure she's sitting right next to you now, right.

我很確定她現在就坐在你旁邊，對吧。

I think it's destiny that you and I are talking to each other.

我想，你我之間的對話是緣分。

E I'm Nina.

我是尼娜

Nina.

尼娜

Like Nina Simone.

就像尼娜-西蒙尼一樣

Yeah, actually, my father Navy After Nina Simone, he was like one of her biggest fan.

是啊，其實，我的父親海軍後尼娜-西蒙尼， 他就像她的最大的球迷之一。

You're You're named after a true legend.

你 你的名字是以一個真正的傳說命名的。

Awesome.

厲害啊

No wonder we're joined together.

難怪我們會在一起。

I had two daughters.

我有兩個女兒。

I'm sorry.

我很抱歉

I will get emotional probably throughout this, and I just I will say I'm sorry.

我可能會在整個過程中變得情緒化，我只是我會說對不起。

Kelly died by suicide in 2018.

凱利於2018年自殺身亡。

She really struggled with Depression anxiety.

她真的在與抑鬱焦慮症作鬥爭。

Um, and one of the things that that I feel like she did for others was she always took other people's grief and pain, made it her own and tried to help other people.

嗯，其中一件事，我覺得她為別人做的是她總是把別人的悲傷和痛苦，使其成為自己的，並試圖幫助其他人。

She was in the midst of trying different medicine when she just decided she couldn't, um she couldn't do it anymore.

她正在嘗試不同的藥物，當她剛剛決定她不能，嗯，她不能再做了。

So she was.

所以她是。

She tried hard, and we miss her every day.

她很努力，我們每天都在想念她。

Thank you so much for starting that often sharing all that.

非常感謝你開始經常分享這些。

I really appreciate having this conversation with you.

我真的很感謝與你的對話。

So thank you for being so vulnerable and open.

所以感謝你如此脆弱和開放。

Um, yeah.

嗯，是的。

My my mother also passed recently.

我的母親最近也去世了。

She passed in 2019.

她於2019年去世。

Um, also by suicide.

嗯，也是自殺。

She was really a character.

她真的是個人物。

She kind of reminded me sometimes of like this over the top movie star, some of my memories of her, just like her driving this old old Mercedes Benz she would always wear, like, leopard print.

她有時讓我想起了像這種過氣的電影明星，我對她的一些記憶，就像她開著這輛老舊的奔馳車，她總是穿著，像，豹紋。

And, like, big black sunglasses on, she would be just like, honestly, just like smoking cigarettes and blasting like Fleetwood Mac and Prince and Cat Stevens.

而且，就像，大黑墨鏡上， 她會就像，說實話，就像抽菸 和爆破像弗利特伍德麥克和王子和貓史蒂文斯。

She had this really beautiful suite energy at times, on the other side of that of all this beautiful qualities that she had, she also really struggled with addiction, alcoholism?

她有時有這種非常美麗的套房能量，在她的這些美麗品質的另一面，她也真的在與毒癮、酗酒作鬥爭？

Um, for most of her adult life when she was 47.

嗯，在她47歲的時候，她成年後的大部分時間裡。

Um, in about a week, uh, before my 22nd birthday, she did pass by suicide.

在我22歲生日前的一個星期 她自殺了。

Sorry.

對不起，我不知道

Um, my son.

嗯，我的兒子。

New camera.

新相機。

He was, like, the biggest prankster forever.

他是，像，最大的惡作劇永遠。

You know, he kept me smelling People always would mistake me as his sister opposed to.

你知道，他讓我聞到了人們總是會誤以為我是他的妹妹，而不是。

His mom always wanted to feed everybody in the neighborhood, you know, because I'm a chef You know, I used to always bring people over, you know?

他的媽媽總是想喂每個人 在附近，你知道，因為我是一個廚師，你知道，我經常帶人過來，你知道嗎？

Just wanna help.

只是想幫忙。

He was very helpful.

他很有幫助。

He actually wasn't feeling well the night of the 27th in July of 2000 and 16 and I called the ambulance to go and pick him up, lo and behold, rushing on the scene, they hit him, and then they left him for day.

其實2000年7月27日晚上他身體不舒服，16日我叫救護車去接他，瞧，衝在現場，他們打了他，然後就把他丟在了天。

That was my only son.

那是我唯一的兒子。

So losing him was like, you know, I don't have nothing else to live for.

所以，失去他就像，你知道，我沒有什麼其他的生活。

You know?

你知道嗎？

I went through all of that.

我經歷了這一切。

Believe you.

相信你。

By the grace of God, I'm still here.

感謝上帝的恩典，我還在這裡。

I'm strong.

我很堅強。

He's always with me.

他總是和我在一起。

I'm sorry, e feel like our Our family knew each other because my mom is exactly what your son done.

我很抱歉，我覺得我們的家人都認識對方 因為我媽媽就是你兒子所做的事。

Like she always wanted my friend come over.

就像她一直想讓我的朋友過來一樣。

She always wanted people toe laugh.

她總是想讓人們笑。

Her name was Mary Bell Perata.

她的名字叫瑪麗-貝爾-佩拉塔。

She was a woman who came to this country undocumented.

她是一個來到這個國家的女人，沒有證件。

Um, a woman who came here toe build a better life.

嗯，一個女人誰來到這裡建立一個更好的生活。

I'm like, remembering memories of her scraping through the bottom of her person that she could buy, like cold cuts have dinner.

我就像，記得她在她的人底裡蒐羅能買的東西，比如冷盤有飯吃的記憶。

And it was always just, like, beautiful moment, because like like Nina.

它總是隻是，喜歡，美麗的時刻， 因為喜歡喜歡尼娜。

My mom loved to cook, and we didn't have a lot of money, but she could feed the whole neighborhood.

我媽媽喜歡做飯，我們的錢不多，但她可以養活整個小區的人。

It was my junior year of college, and I just remember being in a final phone is ringing and ringing and ringing.

那是我大三的時候，我只記得在最後電話是響了又響，響了又響。

So I'm like, OK, something has got to be up.

所以我就想，好吧，一定有什麼事。

I sneak away to the bathroom and it's this nurse.

我偷偷跑去衛生間，是這個護士。

I'll never forget it.

我永遠不會忘記。

She just took a deep breath and she was like, I'm so sorry, E.

她只是深吸一口氣，她說，我很抱歉，E。

Your mom had a brain aneurysm, and she's not gonna make it.

你媽媽得了腦動脈瘤，她活不了了。

O.

O.

B was just a healthy, normal 11 year old boy before he was diagnosed.

B在被確診之前，只是一個健康、正常的11歲男孩。

He loved music and singing, you know, even from the time he was little people always said he had an old soul.

他喜歡音樂，喜歡唱歌，你知道的，甚至從他小的時候人們就一直說他有一個老靈魂。

So you kind of wonder if, like, he needed to have that soul compacted into his 11 years because he wasn't gonna have the lifetime that we all thought he would have on.

所以你會想，如果一樣，他需要有 靈魂壓縮到他的11年，因為他不會有一生 我們都認為他將有上。

He was diagnosed overnight.

他一夜之間就被診斷出來了。

He just was having some numbness in his hand, and the next day hey was having trouble walking.

他只是手有些麻木，第二天嘿嘿走路都困難。

So my husband took him over to the Children's Hospital on a on a tumor in his brain.

於是我老公帶著他去了兒童醫院，在他腦部的腫瘤上。

I had actually had breast cancer.

其實我得過乳腺癌。

I had finished chemotherapy a month before his diagnosis.

在他診斷前一個月，我已經完成了化療。

So it was just his moment of like he can't have cancer.

所以，這只是他的時刻，像他不能有癌症。

I just took that.

我只是把那個。

I just took that hit for the family.

我只是為了家人而承受了這一擊。

He was given diagnosis of 12 to 18 months.

給他的診斷是12到18個月。

Our whole life just halted.

我們的整個生活就這樣停止了。

We said, Well, what we hope for now, right?

我們說，嗯，我們現在希望的是什麼，對吧？

What do you hope for when you know your kid is dying and you know all the things that we imagine, like graduations and marriages and bar mitzvah, and being a productive member of society was just up in the air and he said, You just hope for what you can't His farm Ato was scheduled for December of 2017 and he hung on to get to that bar mitzvah.

當你知道你的孩子快死了，你知道我們想象中的所有事情，比如畢業，結婚和成人禮，成為社會的生產者只是在空中，他說，你只是希望你不能他的農場阿託被安排在2017年12月，他堅持到那個成人禮。

The whole community was there, the sanctuary was stilled and Kobe was just singing his heart out.

全社會都到了，聖殿靜止了，科比只是在唱著自己的心聲。

It was like the Holy Angels for shining on him and and then a few days after his four months, But the tumor just group like it was his body, saying it was enough.

這就像聖天使為照耀他，然後幾天後，他的四個月，但腫瘤只是組像它是他的身體，說這是足夠的。

I fought long enough.

我奮鬥的時間夠長了。

And then, seven weeks after his bar mitzvah.

然後，在他的成人禮後的七個星期。

He passed away kind of a mentally pointed.

他過世了一種精神上的尖銳。

You know, Kobe has such an amazing spirit that it couldn't last the entire lifetime.

你知道嗎，科比有這樣一種神奇的精神，它不可能持續一輩子。

And that's kind of how I looked at my mom was like, she was just so amazing that it would have been fair if I had to.

而這也算是我看我媽的方式是，她就是這麼神奇，如果我不得不這樣做，那就太公平了。

More than 15 years.

15年以上。

She was everything.

她就是一切。

She was my mother and my father.

她是我的母親，也是我的父親。

She was like a real spiritual kind of Well, we were Jewish, Jewish.

她就像一個真正的精神的那種 嗯，我們是猶太人，猶太人。

You know, the fact that my sisters are black and she understood that society might look at this a little differently.

你知道，事實上，我的姐妹們都是黑人，她明白，社會可能會用不同的眼光看待這個問題。

She always made sure that we knew we were just as valuable as everybody else.

她總是確保我們知道我們和其他人一樣有價值。

And there's nothing we can do.

而我們卻無能為力。

She had the biggest heart that anybody a no and maybe two of to a fault.

她有最大的心臟，任何人一個沒有，也許兩個到一個錯誤。

Uh, drive around.

呃，開車周圍。

And if people are on the street, she would offer them a place to stay for the night.

而如果人在街上，她會給他們提供一個過夜的地方。

And no, they could come into our basement and crash for the night.

不，他們可以來我們的地下室過夜。

Shut off from the milk.

從牛奶中關。

She couldn't cook to save her life, but she would solve it or something.

她不會做飯救人，但她會解決這個問題什麼的。

E thought I had time.

我以為我有時間。

I was naive when I was three.

我三歲的時候很天真。

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.

我母親被診斷為乳腺癌。

I went away into remission when I was around 10 and then when I was around 12 11 and came back and she passed and I was 15 it was kind of like You're like in the middle of Superman, like halfway through the movie.

我走了進入緩解，當我10歲左右，然後當我12歲左右... ...11和回來，她通過，我是15，它是一種像 你像在中間的超人，像通過電影的一半。

He's going through some battle and looks like he's gonna lose.

他正在經歷一些戰鬥，看起來他要輸了。

But, you know, he can't lose because there's still another half of them will be left.

但是，你知道，他不能輸，因為還有一半的人將離開。

Read something you said that I think really rings true.

看了你說的話，我覺得真的很有道理。

As you said that you you sometimes just sit with your grief, and that, to me, is very powerful.

就像你說的，你... ...你有時只是坐在你的悲傷， 而這，對我來說，是非常強大的。

Um, you know, people are uncomfortable around people who've suffered a terrible loss, and they don't know how toe they don't how to behave.

嗯，你知道，人們是不舒服的周圍的人 誰遭受了可怕的損失， 他們不知道如何趾他們不知道如何表現。

And sometimes, um, we just need We just need the presence of someone who loves us.

有時候，嗯，我們只是需要 我們只是需要有人的存在 誰愛我們。

We don't need words.

我們不需要文字。

We just need to feel the presence of someone.

我們只需要感受到某人的存在。

It felt like I was always thinking about death and suicide and grief.

感覺我總是在想死亡、自殺和悲傷。

You're trying to be comfortable, like, ah, why, Like why?

你想舒服點，就像，啊，為什麼，像為什麼？

Why did this happen?

為什麼會出現這種情況？

Um, eso it's just really infiltrated almost all of my thoughts.

嗯，eso它只是真的滲透 幾乎所有的想法。

And there was a moment when, um, I was just so low and just really kind of detached from myself.

有一個時刻，嗯，我只是這麼低， 只是真的有點脫離了自己。

And my purpose is and you know that I, myself, one night was experiencing, um, thoughts of suicide and, you know, nobody would have known because I wasn't like I was just in my room.

我的目的是... ...你知道，我，我自己，有一天晚上經歷了，嗯，自殺的想法，你知道，沒有人會知道，因為我不喜歡我只是在我的房間。

It was a dark room.

這是一個黑暗的房間。

I wasn't texting anybody.

我沒有給任何人發短信。

It's like I wasn't telling anybody what I was experiencing that moment.

就像我沒有告訴任何人我那一刻的經歷。

But for whatever reason, I had a friend.

但不管什麼原因，我有一個朋友。

Um, call me just to check in, and this again was two months after my mom's passing.

嗯，打電話給我只是想看看，這又是在我媽去世兩個月後。

So the fact that I had a community, a place that new you should check in with people more than a week after someone dies, it is it.

所以，事實上，我有一個社區，一個新的地方，你應該檢查的人超過一個星期後，有人死了，它是它。

Your grief doesn't end in a week.

你的悲傷不會在一週內結束。

We ended up talking for two hours and laughing.

最後我們聊了兩個小時，笑了起來。

And, um, just because I had someone there in that little moment of grief to just be like, Hey, how are you, like and just pull me out of that, um, that space.

而且，嗯，只是因為我有一個人在那裡 在悲傷的小時刻 只是喜歡，嘿，你怎麼樣，喜歡和只是拉我 出，嗯，那個空間。

Um, um, I honestly just don't know if I would have survived there.

嗯，嗯，說實話，我只是不知道 如果我會在那裡生存。

Like, we really think you should see a counselor.

就像，我們真的認為你應該去看心理諮詢師。

And for me, I grew up in Hispanic household where, like, therapists, doctors like the stigma like going to something like you're crazy.

而對我來說，我長大了 在西班牙裔家庭的地方，喜歡，治療師， 醫生喜歡的恥辱 像去的東西像你瘋了。

And once I started, um, it was really beautiful, solidified and created, like so, so much of a stable ground for me to be able to be like, I'm not just Hey, I'm doing fantastic.

而一旦我開始，嗯，這是真的很美， 鞏固和創建，像這樣，這麼多的一個穩定的基礎，我能夠像， 我不只是嘿，我做的太棒了。

And I still fucking miss my mom.

我還是很想我媽

And that's okay, Liz, You're doing right.

沒關係，麗茲，你做得很好。

You know, to think of all the goodness, you have a light around you.

你知道嗎，想想那些美好的事物，你身邊有一盞燈。

You know, at first I tried to ignore it.

你知道，一開始我想忽略它。

I didn't want to talk to anybody about it.

我不想跟任何人說起這件事。

I don't wanna go like therapy.

我不想去像治療。

I didn't wanna acknowledge it.

我不想承認它。

I wouldn't even, you know, say my mother's name for years.

我甚至不會，你知道，說我母親的名字多年。

I didn't tell him about his name.

我沒有告訴他他的名字。

I don't want any like memories for everyone because it just hurt too much.

我不想給大家留下任何喜歡的回憶，因為它實在太傷人了。

But now it's kind.

但現在是一種。

It's almost the opposite.

這幾乎是相反的。

I say her name when I start to smile like I think of her face.

我說她的名字時，我開始微笑，就像我想起她的臉。

And I I feel warm and I'm getting a little choked up.

而我... ...我覺得很溫暖，我有點哽咽了。

E lost my child.

我失去了我的孩子。

But you lost your childhood.

但你失去了你的童年。

Um e I feel that a lot in what you're saying, and that's where my heart goes to you.

嗯，我覺得很多在你說的， 這就是我的心臟去給你。

Andi, I saw that in, you know, in my in my kids journey, you know, they just had a few years that they were living with a sick brother.

安迪，我看到了，你知道，在我的... ...在我的孩子們的旅程，你知道，他們只是有幾年 他們與一個生病的弟弟生活。

But to be living in a home with a sick parent for 12 years is a long time.

但要在家裡和生病的父母一起生活12年，是一個漫長的過程。

Then I see a lot of my son, Micah and you.

然後，我看到了很多我的兒子，麥加和你。

He was 10 when Kobe died, and he escaped into Harry Potter and into books and really introverted.

科比死的時候他10歲，他逃進了哈利波特，逃進了書本，真的很內向。

If it's going to take you 1000 years Thio, he'll let it take 1000 years.

如果要你花1000年的時間Thio，他會讓它花1000年。

It's okay to cry.

哭是可以的。

It's OK to be angry, especially in this time when we're grieving alone.

生氣是可以的，尤其是在這個時候，當我們獨自悲傷的時候。

Um, it's a different kind of journey entirely and know that even if you're physically alone, you don't have to be spiritually alone.

嗯，這完全是一種不同的旅程，要知道，即使你身體上孤獨，精神上也不必孤獨。

I would say to Rhett and two other people who've recently lost their mother, um, you know, she would not want you to be sad, and she did not do this to hurt you.

我想對瑞特和另外兩個最近失去母親的人說，嗯，你知道，她不會希望你傷心，她這樣做不是為了傷害你。

So So focus on the memories that you have that bring you joy, and if you can try to go out and do things that remind you of her in a happy way.

所以，所以要把注意力放在你所擁有的能給你帶來快樂的記憶上，如果你能嘗試著去做一些能讓你想起她的事情，以快樂的方式。

Mhm toe honor.

嗯，趾頭的榮譽。

My son's memory.

我兒子的記憶。

I started producing music.

我開始製作音樂。

I started taking the music that he left behind putting lyrics to them.

我開始把他留下的音樂加上歌詞。

I just keep myself, you know, wrapped up into into his everything that he likes because I still wanted Thio live on Music Latina.

我只是讓自己，你知道，包進他的一切，他喜歡的，因為我還是想Thio住在Music Latina。

So I'm pretty sure if you're my friend I've taught you how to dance by Chata i e Oh, Allah.

如果你是我的朋友，我敢肯定，我已經教了你怎麼跳查塔舞，哦，阿拉。

Exactly.

就是這樣

My mom loved Chatah.

我媽媽很喜歡查塔。

She loved to dance.

她喜歡跳舞。

So I try to evaluate and everything I do have this in my kitchen on I look at it every day and I try to remind myself that you know, I have the right thio find joy and I look for joy in the world and I would ask that you do the same.

所以我試著去評估，我所做的一切都在我的廚房裡，我每天都會看著它，我試著提醒自己，你知道，我有找到快樂的權利，我在這個世界上尋找快樂，我想請你也這樣做。

Thank you, Terry.

謝謝你，泰瑞。

Thank you so much.

非常感謝你。

Yeah, at any time.

是的，在任何時候。

If you know, if I'm ever in your city and you want to come to a show, put you on the guest list.

如果你知道，如果我曾經在你的城市，你想來表演，把你放在嘉賓名單上。

This has been a really healing, really healing talk today.

今天這個講座真的很治癒，很治癒。

Talking to you mean a like your words are like just another verification like Liz your mom loved you.

和你說話的意思是一個喜歡你的話就像另一個驗證一樣，比如麗茲你媽媽愛你。

She's proud of you on guy.

她為你感到驕傲的傢伙。

Just like thank you.

就像謝謝你。

So sweet.

好甜蜜啊

I feel the same way about you.

我對你有同樣的感覺。

Trust me.

相信我吧

You We are.

你我們是。

We were brought together for a reason.

我們被帶到一起是有原因的。

And believe me, I'm in your corner 100%.

相信我，我100%支持你。

You could call me whatever time I'm always I'm gonna call you for about chapter session one day e thank you so much.

你可以打電話給我，無論什麼時候，我總是我會打電話給你約章會議的一天，非常感謝你。

I wanted to make sure I said before this whole because you're much stronger than I can ever Thank you.

我想確定我在這之前就說過了 因為你比我想象中的要堅強得多 謝謝你。

And I'm sorry for your loss.

我為你的損失感到難過。

Mm.

嗯。

I'm grateful that were ableto be together in this moment, we have angels, Honey, we are, like, in the best hands ever.