welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

歡迎，歡迎來到 "今夜秀"，大家。

We are here. [ Cheers and applause ]

我們在這裡。[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Studio 6A in New York City. It feels good.

紐約市6A工作室這感覺很好。

Thank you so much for watching. Let's get to the news and jokes.

謝謝大家的觀看。讓我們來看看新聞和笑話吧。

Well, guys, I think it's fair to say that right now

好了，夥計們，我想這是公平的說，現在

America is at a crossroads.

美國正處在一個十字路口。

It doesn't get much bigger than this.

沒有比這更大的了。

So we begin tonight with our top story.

所以，我們今晚開始我們的頭條新聞。

-Get excited because McDonald's is bringing back the McRib.

-興奮吧，因為麥當勞要把麥排骨帶回來了。

-That's right. [ Laughter and cheers ]

-沒錯[笑聲和歡呼聲]

Americans were like, "Finally, a glimmer of hope

美國人就像，"終於有了一絲希望"。

in the barren wasteland that's been 2020."

在貧瘠的荒原上，已經2020年了。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

When he heard about it, Trump dropped out of the race

特朗普聽說後，就退出了競選。

and said, "I'm done.

並說："我已經完成了。

Clearly, I've 'made America great again.'

很明顯，我已經 "讓美國再次偉大"。

The McRib." [ Laughter ]

McRib。"[笑聲]

Somehow you know 2020 will wrap up

不知為何你知道2020年將會結束

with the McRib being the cure for COVID.

與麥瑞博是治療COVID的方法。

You know that, right? [ Laughter ]

你知道的，對吧？[笑聲]

In other less exciting news, the election is just four days away.

另一個不那麼令人激動的消息是，選舉還有四天就開始了。

And Trump is busy campaigning, but I saw a new poll

而特朗普正忙於競選，但我看到一個新的民調。

that found that nearly 60% of Americans disapprove

發現近六成的美國人不贊成。

of Trump holding large rallies during the pandemic.

的特朗普在大流行期間舉行大型集會。

So, not only are the rallies dangerous,

所以，不僅集會危險。

they're also unpopular.

他們也是不受歡迎的。

They're basically the kid in high school

他們基本上是高中生的孩子

who played with the Bunsen burners.

誰玩的本生燈。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, if you want to do something dangerous

說真的，如果你想做一些危險的事

and unpopular, go to your local Blimpie and order the tuna.

並不受歡迎，去當地的Blimpie點金槍魚。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, Trump is still holding rallies,

沒錯，特朗普還在舉行集會。

including one yesterday in Tampa,

包括昨天在坦帕的一個。

but it didn't go quite as planned, watch this.

但它並沒有完全按計劃進行，看這個。

-Just two days after President Trump's rally

-就在特朗普總統集會後兩天。

in Omaha, Nebraska, sent several supporters

在內布拉斯加州的奧馬哈，派了幾個支持者

to the hospital for being too cold,

因為太冷而被送到醫院。

his rally in Tampa, Florida, yesterday sent even more

他昨天在佛羅里達州坦帕市的集會上發出了更多的聲音。

to the hospital for being too hot.

因為太熱而被送到醫院。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Don't worry, Trump had everyone cool off

-別擔心，特朗普讓大家都冷靜下來了。

by blowing in each other's faces.

通過在對方臉上吹氣。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Actually, Trump said we are only seeing more cases of heatstroke

事實上，特朗普說我們只是看到更多的中暑病例

because we have the most testing.

因為我們的測試最多。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Years from now, Trump supporters will be reminiscing

若干年後，特朗普的支持者們將會想起

about these rallies like they're old concerts.

關於這些集會就像他們的老音樂會。

Like, "Were you at the hypothermia rally?"

就像 "你參加了低體溫集會嗎？"

"Nah, I caught him on the heatstroke leg of the tour."

"沒有，我在中暑的那段行程中抓到了他。"

Yeah, it was so hot in Tampa, a fire truck --

是啊，它是如此熱在坦帕，消防車 -

this is real -- actually sprayed water over the crowd.

這是真實的 - 實際上噴水 在人群中。

But Trump didn't seem to know what was happening.

但特朗普似乎並不知道發生了什麼。

Check out what he said.

看看他是怎麼說的。

-Look at that. Oh, are they doing that on purpose?

-看看這個哦，他們是故意的嗎？

[ Crowd cheers ]

[人群的歡呼聲]

Are they friend or foe?

他們是朋友還是敵人？

It felt good. I felt water on my face,

這感覺很好。我感覺臉上有水。

I said, where the hell is that coming from from?

我說，這到底是哪裡來的？

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

They may be doing that on purpose.

他們可能是故意這麼做的。

Let's find out if they're friend or foe.

讓我們來看看他們是朋友還是敵人。

And if they are foe, let's take care of those son of a bitches.

如果他們是敵人，那我們就去解決那些狗孃養的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Trump's like, "Friend or foe, either way,

-特朗普就像，"朋友或敵人，任何一種方式。

let's turn this into a wet T-shirt contest.

讓我們把這個變成一個溼T恤比賽。

Come on! Those sons of bitches."

來吧！這些狗孃養的。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, people were packed tightly in unsanitary conditions

是啊，人們在不衛生的條件下擠得很緊。

and hosed down with water.

並用水沖洗。

It's good to know his supporters are being treated

很高興知道他的支持者受到了待遇

like circus elephants.

像馬戲團的大象。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And get this, with long waits at the polls,

而得到這個，在民意調查時漫長的等待。

I heard you can hire someone to stand in line

聽說你可以請人排隊了

and hold your place.

並守住自己的位置。

And for an extra $50 on election night,

而在選舉當晚還能多賺50元。

they'll scream into a pillow for you.

他們會尖叫到枕頭為你。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You do that for voters, you're patriotic.

你這樣做是為了選民，你是愛國的。

You do that at Disney, you're dragged through Toontown

在迪斯尼，你這樣做，你會被拖著穿過卡通鎮

while they throw turkey legs at you.

當他們向你扔火雞腿的時候

"Shame! Shame!"

"慚愧!恥辱！"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You guys, Halloween is tomorrow and everyone has plans,

各位，明天就是萬聖節了，大家都有計劃。

and some notable people in Washington

和華盛頓的一些知名人士

also have something going on.

也有一些事情。

I'll show you what I mean. For example,

我告訴你我的意思。比如說：

Mike Pence plans to hand trick-or-treaters

邁克-彭斯計劃把 "不給糖就搗蛋 "的人交給他。

his favorite hard candy, ice cubes.

他最喜歡的硬糖，冰塊。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Next up, Donald Trump, Jr., plans to inhale

接下來，小唐納德-特朗普計劃吸入

a bunch of Pixy Stix and go rant on Fox News.

一堆Pixy Stix和去咆哮 在福克斯新聞。

-The media runs right away. It's Russian disinformation.

-媒體馬上就跑了這是俄羅斯的假消息。

There's literally zero evidence

有字面上的零證據

that it's Russian disinformation.

這是俄羅斯的虛假資訊。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Steve Mnuchin plans to tell kids for the last time,

史蒂夫-姆努欽計劃最後一次告訴孩子們。

"I'm not dressed as McLovin."

"我沒有穿成麥克拉溫的樣子。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Rudy Giuliani plans to spend a quiet night at home

魯迪-朱利安尼計劃在家中度過一個安靜的夜晚。

tucking in his shirt.

掖著他的襯衫。

That's...interesting. [ Laughter ]

這是... ... 有趣。[笑聲]

Wilbur Ross plans to slowly suck on a Werther's Original

威爾伯-羅斯計劃慢慢地吮吸韋爾瑟的原件

until he nods off. [ Laughter ]

直到他點頭。[笑聲]

That's kind of cute. Yeah. I'm not sure about this --

那是一種可愛。是啊，我不確定這個...

Joe Biden plans to bore trick-or-treaters

喬-拜登計劃讓 "不給糖就搗蛋 "的人感到厭煩。

with long story about how his friend Ron Caramel

他的朋友羅恩-卡拉梅是如何的長篇大論

invented the candy apple.

發明了糖果蘋果。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And finally President Trump plans to

最後特朗普總統計劃

smile through a window and be a human jack-o'-lantern.

透過窗戶微笑，做一個人類的千斤頂燈籠。

Oh, well I hope they all have fun.

哦，好吧，我希望他們都能玩得開心。

[ Cheers and applause ] I hope they have a good time,

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 我希望他們有一個好時機。

it's Halloween.

今天是萬聖節

Well, let's change gears, I heard soon you'll be able

好了，我們換個等級吧，我聽說你很快就能... ...

to buy a brand new kind of milk. Take a look.

來買一種全新的牛奶。看看吧

-Nestle is coming out with

-雀巢將推出

Cinna-toast Crunch-flavored milk, aka "Cinnamilk."

Cinna -toast Crunch口味的牛奶，又名 "肉桂牛奶"。

The new flavored milk tastes like a epic combination

新口味牛奶的味道就像一個史詩般的組合。

of cinnamon and sugar deliciousness,

肉桂和糖的美味。

with hints of toasted cereal in every sip.

每一口都帶著烤麥片的味道。

[ Light laughter ]

[輕笑]

-Cows -- cows heard and were like,

-奶牛--奶牛聽到了，就像。

"I didn't realize what we did wasn't enough for you."

"我不知道我們所做的對你來說還不夠。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And finally, here's a weird story,

最後，這裡有一個奇怪的故事。

a food writer in Georgia just created a restaurant

佐治亞州的一位美食作家剛剛創建了一家餐廳

on her front porch for chipmunks.

在她的前廊上的花栗鼠。

Take a look.

看看吧

-Yeah. Right now, her kids are like,

-是啊，現在，她的孩子就像...現在，她的孩子們都喜歡，

"Okay, we need to talk about Mom."

"好吧，我們需要談談媽媽。"