to "The Tonight Show."

到 "今夜秀"。

We are coming at you from Studio 6A

我們從6A演播室向你走來

here in Rockefeller Plaza in New York City.

這裡在紐約市洛克菲勒廣場。

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, we are just one week away from Election Day!

好了，夥計們，我們離選舉日只有一週的時間了!

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

I can't believe it's that soon.

我不敢相信這麼快就到了。

I mean, it feels like the last four years

我的意思是，這感覺就像過去的四年

have just really flown by!

匆匆而過

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, every morning since 2016,

說真的，從2016年開始，每天早上。

Democrats have been carving the days into the walls

民主黨人已經把日子刻在了牆上

like they're doing time at Rikers Island.

就像他們在萊克斯島做時間。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

If Biden wins, Democrats are gonna walk out of their houses

如果拜登贏了，民主黨人就會走出他們的家門

with an extra 50 pounds of muscle

多了50磅的肌肉

and a jug of toilet wine.

和一壺馬桶酒。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, we're just seven days away from the election,

沒錯，我們離選舉只有七天了。

and just seven months from knowing who won.

而距離知道誰贏了，只有七個月的時間。

That's exciting. [ Audience groans ]

這是令人興奮的。[觀眾呻吟]

Yep. In seven days we'll find out if Trump's

是的，七天後我們就會知道七天後，我們就會知道，如果特朗普的。

sticking around or getting replaced like the Bachelorette.

留在身邊或被替換 像 "光棍節"。

This week cannot go fast enough.

這周不能再快了。

If you're looking for ways to pass the time,

如果你正在尋找打發時間的方法。

just ask Joe Biden to tell one story from high school.

就請喬-拜登講一個高中時的故事。

"My pal Skee-Ball and I were on our way

"我和我的朋友Skee-Ball在路上...

to the sock hop, and..."

到襪子跳，和..."

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But seven days is still a lot of time.

但七天的時間還是很多的。

If you get in line to vote now,

如果你現在去排隊投票。

there's a really good chance you'll make it to the front

勝算很大

by November 3rd. [ Laughter ]

11月3日。[笑聲]

Everyone's excited about this election.

大家對這次選舉都很興奮。

I mean, check out how many people have already voted.

我是說，看看有多少人已經投了票。

-We are one week out from Election Day,

-離選舉日還有一個星期。

and look at that number.

看看這個數字。

More than 65 million ballots already cast.

已經投出了6500多萬張選票。

-That's right, over 65 million have already voted.

-沒錯，超過6千5百萬人已經投票了。

And thanks to the Supreme Court, almost 3 million of those

而由於最高法院，近300萬的這些

will be counted.

將被計算在內。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

These voting numbers are incredible.

這些投票數字令人難以置信。

The United States could have its highest election turnout

美國可能出現最高的選舉投票率

since 1908.

自1908年以來。

You know 2020's been rough when we're like,

你知道2020年是個艱難的時期，當我們像。

"Let's party like it's 1908!"

"讓我們像1908年一樣開派對！"

[ Laughter ] [ Drumming march plays ]

[笑聲] [鼓聲進行曲演奏]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Wow, I love that.

哇，我喜歡這個。

1908 was a lot like 2020.

1908年很像2020年。

The country was divided, turnout was high,

國家分化，投票率很高。

and Bernie Sanders lost in the primary.

和伯尼-桑德斯在初選中失利。

[ Audience groans ]

[觀眾呻吟]

A lot of groaners tonight, huh? [ Laughter ]

很多呻吟者今晚，是吧？[笑聲]

Cheer up. Come on, man.

振作起來。來吧，夥計。

That's right, the U.S. is on track for the highest election

沒錯，美國將迎來最高的選情

turnout since 1908.

1908年以來的投票率。

That got me wondering, why were so many people voting in 1908?

這讓我很奇怪，為什麼1908年有那麼多人投票？

Well, when you compare today's issues to back then,

好吧，當你把今天的問題和當年相比。

it kind of makes sense.

這是有道理的。

For example, in 2020, voters want to stop

例如，在2020年，選民希望停止

a global warming catastrophe.

全球變暖的災難。

In 1908, voters wanted to stop pollution

1908年，選民希望停止汙染。

from the four cars that existed.

從現有的四輛汽車。

In 2020, voters want to settle things at the ballot box.

2020年，選民們希望在投票箱裡解決事情。

In 1908, voters wanted to settle things

在1908年，選民們想解決這個問題。

by racing a donkey and an elephant.

通過與驢子和大象比賽。

[ Laughter ] And finally, in 2020,

[笑] 最後，在2020年。

voters complain the election season

選民抱怨選舉季

is like watching paint dry.

就像看著油漆幹了一樣。

In 1908, voters said, "Paint drying?

1908年，選民說："油漆幹了？

I got to check this out."

我得去看看這個。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

With the time running short until the election,

距離選舉的時間已經不多了。

both campaigns are going all out and holding as many rallies

兩場競選都在全力以赴地舉行儘可能多的集會。

across the country as they can. Listen to this.

在全國各地，因為他們可以。聽聽這個。

-An active day on the trail, Joe Biden stopping in Georgia,

喬-拜登在佐治亞州停留，這是活躍的一天。

Kamala Harris in Nevada.

卡馬拉-哈里斯在內華達州。

The former President, Barack Obama,

前總統巴拉克-奧巴馬。

campaigning for the Democrats in Orlando, Florida.

在佛羅里達州奧蘭多市為民主黨人競選。

Jill Biden heads to Maine.

吉爾-拜登前往緬因州。

The President hits a trio of Midwest states --

總統在中西部的三個州打了一炮------。

Michigan, Wisconsin,

密歇根州，威斯康星州。

and Nebraska's Second Congressional District.

和內布拉斯加州第二國會選區。

Vice President Mike Pence is in the Carolinas today,

副總統邁克-彭斯今天在卡羅萊納州。

and the First Lady is traveling to Pennsylvania.

而第一夫人正在前往賓夕法尼亞州。

-Whew. Usually the only people who travel this much

-哇通常只有那些經常旅行的人

are salesmen and fugitives.

是推銷員和逃犯。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, Trump and Pence are everywhere.

沒錯，特朗普和彭斯無處不在。

Even the coronavirus was like,

連冠狀病毒都像。

"Guys, please, gimme a second to catch up."

"夥計們，請給我一點時間趕上。"

I think all the traveling confused Trump,

我想所有的旅行都讓特朗普感到困惑。

'cause he bragged about saving Nebraska's auto industry

因為他吹噓自己拯救了內布拉斯加的汽車工業。

and rescuing the great dairy farms of Michigan.

並拯救密歇根州的偉大的奶牛場。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'm not sure Trump's rallies are really moving the needle.

我不知道特朗普的集會是否真的有動靜。

It's hard to convince voters you deserve a second term

很難說服選民你值得連任

when your speech has 42 mentions of the word "plague."

當你的演講中有42次提到 "瘟疫 "這個詞的時候。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But you can tell Trump's getting tired 'cause at one rally

但你可以看出特朗普已經累了，因為在一次集會上... ...

he just rolled out a television and played a video

他只是推出了一個電視和播放視頻

like a substitute teacher. [ Laughter ]

像一個代課老師。[笑聲]

"You know what's better than reading 'Moby Dick'?

"你知道什麼比讀'白鯨'更好嗎？

Watching 'Air Bud.'"

看著'空芽'。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Listen to what's going on with gym's in Newark.

聽聽紐瓦克的健身房是怎麼回事。

-New restrictions aimed at stopping a surge

-旨在阻止激增的新限制

in coronavirus cases take effect today in Newark.

在冠狀病毒病例中，今天在紐瓦克生效。

Gyms and fitness centers are under orders to shut down

健身房和健身中心被勒令停業整頓

for 30 minutes every hour for a deep cleaning.

每隔一小時進行30分鐘的深度清潔。

-30 minutes every hour?

-每小時30分鐘？

The only person who's going to get in shape is the janitor.

唯一會健身的人是清潔工。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Already there's one creepy employee who just walks up

已經有一個令人毛骨悚然的員工走過來了

to the machines and whispers, "Bath time."

到機器和低聲說，"洗澡時間。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Bath time."

"洗澡時間。"

[ Vocalizing ] ♪♪

[發聲]

♪ Bath time ♪ [ Vocalizing ]

洗澡時間 [發聲]

♪ Bath time ♪

沐浴時間

[ Vocalizing ]

[發聲]

♪ Bath time ♪ [ Vocalizing ]

洗澡時間 [發聲]

Go, rap.

走，說唱。

-♪ Bath time, bath time ♪

-洗澡時間，洗澡時間

♪ It's time to take a bath ♪

是時候洗澡了

♪ It's time to get some soap out ♪

現在是時候得到一些肥皂出來

♪ And then you wash your -- ♪

然後你洗你的 -

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-I was waiting for you to cut me off.

-我正等著你來跟我斷絕關係呢.

Say, hey, hey! -Whoa, whoa, whoa,

說，嘿，嘿！

this is a family show.

這是一個家庭秀。

Sorry. Sorry, I forgot to do that. Yeah.

對不起，對不起，我忘了。對不起，我忘了這樣做。是的，我忘了。

♪♪

♪♪

[ Vocalizing ] ♪♪

[發聲]

-Wait.

-等一下

That's Billy Bob Thornton's character on --

那是Billy Bob Thornton的角色... ...

-Oh yeah, "Sling Blade."

-哦，對了，"彈簧刀"。

-[ Mumbling ]

-[喃喃自語]

You --

你...

-Bath time, mm-hmm.

-洗澡時間，嗯哼。

-Mm-hmm, bath time.

-嗯哼，洗澡時間

"You mind if I hang out with your son

"你介意我和你兒子一起出去玩嗎？

and be best friends with him?"

並和他做最好的朋友？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I don't know if you guys should be hanging out in the woods.

我不知道你們是否應該在樹林裡閒逛。

No, I'm doing like --

不，我正在做的是...

[ Vocalizing ] ♪♪

[發聲]

[ Vocalizing ]

[發聲]

♪ Call me Mr. Bombastic ♪

叫我炸彈先生

♪ Mr. Fantastic ♪

*神奇先生*

[ Scatting ]

[Scatting]

♪ Mr. Ro... ♪

羅...

♪ Bath time, duh-nuh-nuh-nuh, bath time ♪

洗澡時間， duh-nuh-nuh-nuh，洗澡時間

-It's not right. -♪ Ro... ♪

-這是不對的-"羅...

-It's not right without Higgins here.

-沒有希金斯在這裡是不對的。

-♪ Bath time ♪

# 洗澡時間 #

[ Vocalizing ]

[發聲]

♪ Now you got to wash your -- time ♪

# Now you got to wash your -- time #

[ Vocalizing ]

[發聲]

-It's not right. -It's not right, no.

-這是不對的-這是不對的，不

Oh yeah, that's right. That's right.

哦，是的，這是正確的。這是對的。

Hey, I'm a little worried that Newark Planet Fitness

嘿，我有點擔心紐瓦克星球健身的事

is taking better precautions than the coronavirus task force.

正在採取比冠狀病毒專案組更好的預防措施。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Let's change gears.

我們換個等級吧。

I heard about a billionaire in California

我聽說加州有個億萬富翁

who is feuding with his neighbor.

與鄰居有仇的人。

And recently, their fight took an interesting turn.

而最近，他們的鬥爭出現了有趣的變化。

Watch this.

看這個。

-♪ Sit right back and you'll hear a tale ♪

-坐在後面，你會聽到一個故事？

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

一個命運之旅的故事

-Two neighbors in Laguna Beach, California, they've been

-加利福尼亞州拉古納海灘的兩個鄰居，他們已經被...

in a dispute over a lawn sculpture.

在一個草坪雕塑的糾紛中。

So, billionaire Bill Gross, he's been blaring

所以，億萬富翁比爾-格羅斯，他一直在吹噓...

the "Gilligan's Island" theme song at all hours

吉利根島 "的主題曲在任何時候都會響起。

of the day and night in an attempt to annoy the neighbors

晝伏夜出，以擾鄰里。

in hopes that they'll drop their complaint over the sculpture.

希望他們能放棄對雕塑的投訴。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-So to recap, he annoyed his neighbor by also

-所以，總結一下，他惹惱了他的鄰居，他還

making himself listen to the "Gilligan's Island" theme song.

讓自己聽 "吉利根島 "的主題曲。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

He was like, "Sorry, I only wanted to do it for three hours,

他說："對不起，我只想做三個小時。

but it wound up being much longer."

但結果卻是更長的時間。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right. [ Applause ]

這是正確的。[掌聲]

[ Ding! ]

[叮！]

Bob Denver fans.

鮑勃-丹佛的球迷。

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I'm Bob Denver ♪

我是鮑勃-丹佛

[ Vocalizing ]

[發聲]

♪ Bob Denver ♪ [ Vocalizing ]

鮑勃-丹佛 [發聲]

I'll be honest, I just think it's nice

我說實話，我只是覺得這樣很好。

that we can still find things to fight about

我們還能找到爭論的話題

besides the election.

除了選舉之外。

And finally I saw that Four Loko is coming out with

最後，我看到四樂子要出的是

new bottled drinks called Pregame.

新的瓶裝飲料叫Pregame。

Here they are.

在這裡，他們是。

-What? -It's perfect for when you want

-什麼？

to pass out before leaving the house.

要在出門前暈倒。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

To buy a bottle, you have to show your ID

買瓶酒要出示身份證件

and give an emergency contact.

並給出緊急聯繫人。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right. You can either drink it or just skip a step

沒錯，就是這樣要不就喝，要不就跳過一步

and put yourself in the back of a police car.

並把自己放在警車的後面。