You guys close?

你們關係好嗎？

Yeah.

是啊。

I mean, look, I feel like you can love a parent and not always see eye to eye, you know?

我的意思是，你看，我覺得你可以愛一個父母 但並不總是看到眼睛的眼睛，你知道嗎？

And I don't necessarily agree on women's autonomy, for example.

而且我也不一定同意女性的自主權，比如說。

So I like to donate to Planned Parenthood in his name.

所以我喜歡以他的名義捐給計劃生育組織。

Yeah, I performed.

是的，我的表演。

I perform for them a couple times as well.

我也為他們表演過幾次。

Isn't it weird?

是不是很奇怪？

For some reason, comics always get booked to perform a charity events.

不知道為什麼，相聲演員總是被安排去參加慈善活動。

Yeah, I've done it.

是的，我已經做到了。

I have to say I've done charity events before and it's almost a Ziff.

不得不說，我以前做過慈善活動，幾乎是齊夫。

The people booking it don't understand what comedy is because I always want to say to them afterwards, Comedy needs some kind of context, you know you need the room has to be prepared for comedy.

預訂的人不明白什麼是喜劇，因為我總是想在事後對他們說，喜劇需要某種情境，你知道你需要房間必須為喜劇做好準備。

And sometimes if it's a really dark charity, they don't prepare the room in any way.

而有時如果是真正黑暗的慈善機構，他們不會以任何方式準備房間。

Have you had that happen?

你有過這種情況嗎？

Oh, my gosh.

哦，我的天哪。

Yeah.

是啊。

One year plant there.

一年的工廠有。

I had asked me to come perform at their fundraiser, called the Birds and Bees bash.

我曾邀請我去他們的募捐活動上表演，叫做 "鳥與蜜蜂"。

It was in Santa Barbara, California.

那是在加州的聖巴巴拉。

It was a bunch of rich old people gathered together.

那是一群有錢的老百姓聚在一起。

The throw money at the cost.

扔錢的成本。

Beautiful thing.

美麗的東西。

So it's like this swanky event and I slapped on a skirt, which is obviously a big deal for me.

所以，就像這個奢華的活動，我穿上了一條裙子，這對我來說顯然是一件大事。

And so what's in this beautiful banquet hall?

那麼這個美麗的宴會廳裡有什麼呢？

And they sent me down in the back next to Joanna Kerns.

他們把我送到後面的喬安娜-柯恩旁邊。

You know who that is?

你知道那是誰嗎？

Right?

對吧？

Uh, she's a sitcom actress.

呃，她是一個情景喜劇演員。

What is she?

她是什麼人？

What was she on?

她在幹什麼？

She was Mrs Seaver from growing pains.

她是Seaver夫人，從成長的痛苦。

Oh, okay.

哦，好吧。

Yeah.

是啊。

Growing pains.

成長的痛苦。

I'm a little old for growing pains.

我有點老了，成長的痛苦。

Uh, okay, I do remember that show.

呃，好吧，我確實記得那個節目。

I know who she is.

我知道她是誰

Yes.

是的，我知道

Yeah.

是啊。

I was so excited.

我很興奮。

And I sat down and she explained that she is going to give the keynote speech and then she'll bring me up to do 15 minutes of stand up.

而我坐下來，她解釋說，她要做主題演講，然後她會帶我上來做15分鐘的站立。

So Joanna is up there talking about Planned Parenthood.

所以Joanna在上面說著計劃生育的事

What it means to her and her family and a woman in the back of the banquet hall next to me at our table starts toe have ah, heart attack.

這對她和她的家人意味著什麼 在宴會廳的後面，我旁邊的一個女人在我們的桌子上開始有啊，心臟病發作。

Yeah.

是啊。

So Joanna is just She just keeps talking because she doesn't know what's going on in the back of the room.

所以喬安娜只是一直在說話 因為她不知道房間後面發生了什麼。

Just like I can't always know what's going on in the back of every room I'm performing in.

就像我不可能總是知道我表演的每個房間後面發生了什麼。

People could be in the kitchen right now making sweet, sweet love And I would have no clue Especially if it was, like, super slow like I like won't be able to hear him.

人們可能正在廚房裡做甜蜜的愛，我不知道 特別是如果它是一樣，超慢，我喜歡不會能夠聽到他。

So join us up here talking.

那就和我們一起在這裡聊吧。

This woman is having a heart attack.

這個女人是有心臟病的。

I'm watching your have a heart attack.

我在看你的心臟病發作。

But I'm also thinking, like what?

但我也在想，像什麼？

Joke?

開玩笑？

Something in itself, right?

本身的東西，對嗎？

And then And ambulance comes very quickly, almost as if they knew there was, like a gathering of old.

然後 救護車很快就來了，幾乎就像他們知道有，像一個老的聚會。

And they just, like, parked on the corner.

他們只是一樣，停在角落裡。

So they Russian whenever it's an ambulance that drives around it.

所以他們俄羅斯人只要是救護車開來開去。

If it seems like eight or more old people gather in one spot, it waits there for 10 minutes because they know they know something's going to go down.

如果好像8個或更多的老人聚集在一個地方，它就會在那裡等上10分鐘，因為他們知道自己知道要出事了。

Got her a garage sale.

給她找了個車庫銷售。

Oh, how did that just happen?

哦，怎麼會這樣呢？

Did you hear that?

你聽到了嗎？

No.

不知道

Oh, someone just tried to call and I went to my computer anyway, So the ambulance comes very quickly.

哦，剛才有人想打電話，反正我也去了電腦，所以救護車很快就來了。

They Russian?

他們是俄羅斯人？

They put this woman on a stretcher because it was a heart attack.

他們把這個女人放在擔架上，因為她是心臟病發作。

But it was like a low key heart attack.

但這就像低調的心臟病。

She fell out of her chair and her husband was worried.

她從椅子上摔下來，丈夫很擔心。

But as they're wheeling her out past our table towards the door, she looks at us and she says, I'm so sorry.

但當他們把她從我們的桌子前推到門口時 她看著我們說："我很抱歉

I'm fine.

我很好

I'm so sorry.

我很抱歉

Which, like, might be the epitome of being a woman.

這，就像，可能是一個女人的縮影。

She's like, I'm sorry I interrupted with a heart attack.

她就像，對不起，我打斷了心臟病發作。

I'm happy to die.

我很高興死。

If that helps, I really will.

如果有幫助，我真的會的。

I'll go die.

我去死。

So this is when they have her outside the door.

所以這時他們就把她關在門外。

And just then Joanna Kerns leans into the microphone and she says, Who's ready for some stand up comedy?

就在這時，喬安娜-柯恩對著麥克風說："誰準備好來點脫口秀了？

And I'm in the back of the room like So I get up.

我在房間的後面，所以我站起來。

I'm weaving my way through the tables and my dumb skirt.

我在桌子上和我的笨裙子裡穿梭。

The woman whose planned the event intercepts me.

計劃活動的女人攔住了我。

She puts her hand on my shoulder.

她把手放在我的肩膀上。

She's panicked and she's like, I don't know, maybe you should do less time like five minutes or something.

她驚慌失措，她說，我不知道，也許你應該少做一些時間，比如五分鐘什麼的。

I was like, Lady, I'm doing 15 you know.

我當時想，女士，我做了15你知道。

So I get up there in front of everyone felt like I really needed to address the situation you had.

所以我在大家面前站起來覺得我真的需要解決你的情況。

Someone just had a heart attack, right?

有人剛剛心臟病發作了，對嗎？

Right, right.

對，對。

So I get up in front of everybody and I just say, Wow, I've done a lot of things to get out of donating money, but never that not everybody laughed.

所以我在大家面前站起來，我就說，哇，我做了很多事情，為了捐錢出來，但從來沒有說不是所有人都笑了。

You know, it took It was it was potentially while it was potentially too soon.

你知道，它是它是潛在的，而它是潛在的太早。

My dad, however very proud I bombed the Planned Parenthood.

我的父親，然而非常自豪，我炸了計劃生育。

And if he had been, there would have been so happy.

如果他是，就會有這麼幸福。

You know, I think I I don't know if I could top that, but I have something that was equally rough where I did a benefit.

你知道，我想我... ...我不知道我是否能超越這一點， 但我有一些是同樣粗糙的地方，我做了一個好處。

And it was, you know, for people in the military.

而這是，你知道，在軍隊的人。

And so the whole audience was packed with, you know, people who had served in the military very recently and and come back from Afghanistan or Iraq.

所以整個觀眾席上擠滿了人，你知道的，人們誰曾在軍隊服務 最近，並從阿富汗或伊拉克回來。

And it was it was intense.

而且它是... ...它是激烈的。

They showed this really intense film.

他們播放了這部非常激烈的電影。

Then an honor guard came out and they said, Now we remember our fallen brothers and they played taps on a bugle.

然後一個儀仗隊出來了，他們說，現在我們記住我們死去的兄弟，他們用號角吹起了拍子。

And then right after they finished playing taps of a voice on the microphone said, Ladies and gentlemen, Conan O'Brien e just walked out there.

然後就在他們演奏完之後 麥克風上的一個聲音說："女士們，先生們，柯南・奧布萊恩剛剛走了出來。

People are crying.

大家都在哭。

Their heads were bowed way.

他們的頭是低著的方式。

Need time between that?

這之間需要時間嗎？

Yes and Mr Goofy You need something a something a little light, something a little.

是的，高飛先生，你需要一些東西... ...一些輕的東西，一些小的東西。

Someone comes out with a harmonica and plays Monica.

有人拿著口琴出來吹莫妮卡。

You know, I'm gonna pitch jock jams.

你知道嗎，我要去投球的jock jams。

You know, just confuse the room with some high energy jock jams.

你知道，只是混淆房間 一些高能量的Jock Jams。

You really think that's a punch up the jam?

你真以為這是在打卡嗎？

Pump it up.

泵起來。

Yeah, just blow out the room with some hot Tim's.

是啊，只是吹出來的房間 與一些熱蒂姆的。

No, you can't follow tax with Jock Jam.

不，你不能用Jock Jam來跟稅。