Welcome, welcome, welcome

歡迎，歡迎，歡迎

to "The Tonight Show."

到 "今夜秀"。

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, it was just another crazy week

好了，夥計們，這只是另一個瘋狂的一週。

and tonight President Trump did his first

而今晚特朗普總統做了他的第一個

on-camera interview since he got COVID.

鏡頭下的採訪，因為他得到了COVID。

Let's see who he decided to talk to.

讓我們看看他決定和誰談。

-We have just learned this morning

-我們今天早上才知道

that President Trump is set to appear

特朗普總統將出席

in his first on-camera interview tonight

在他今晚的第一次採訪中

and will apparently get a medical evaluation,

並將顯然得到醫療評估。

not by the White House physician,

不是由白宮醫生。

but by a doctor on Fox News,

但由一個醫生在福克斯新聞。

[ Laughter ] according to the cable network.

[笑]根據有線電視網。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-That's right, Trump got a remote medical evaluation.

-沒錯，特朗普做了遠程醫療評估。

It's like a Zoom physical. [ Laughter ]

這就像一個Zoom物理。[笑]

It was a tough choice for TV viewers --

對於電視觀眾來說，這是一個艱難的選擇--。

Yankee playoff game, NBA finals,

美國佬的季後賽，NBA總決賽。

or hearing about a 74-year-old man's body.

或聽說一個74歲老人的屍體。

[ Laughter ].

[笑]。

"Can we catch all three?"

"我們能抓住這三個人嗎？"

No, you can't.

不，你不能。

A medical exam on TV?

電視上的體檢？

I feel like Trump's one step away

我覺得特朗普就差一步了

from taking a COVID test on "Maury."

從採取COVID測試 "莫里"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"You do not have the virus!"

"你沒有病毒！"

[ Laughter ] Aah!

[笑]啊！

♪♪

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'm sure the guy who evaluated Trump is qualified.

我相信評價特朗普的人是合格的。

I mean, to be a Fox News doctor,

我的意思是，成為一個福克斯新聞醫生。

you have to go to medical school in Queens

你必須去皇后區的醫學院學習。

for a whole three hours.

整整三個小時。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It was really bizarre television,

這真的是奇怪的電視。

especially when Trump told the doctor --

特別是當特朗普告訴醫生 -

[ As Trump ] Might as well check my prostate while I'm here.

我在這裡的時候，最好檢查一下我的前列腺。

[ Laughter ] I mean, just -- -Oof.

[笑]我的意思是，只是 - 哦。

At least, Trump seemed like

至少，特朗普看起來像

he was in a playful mood during the exam.

考試期間，他的心情很是玩味。

When the doctor said he would need a sample

當醫生說他需要一個樣本

of his blood, urine, and stool,

他的血液、尿液和糞便的。

Trump gave him his underwear.

特朗普把他的內褲給了他。

[ Audience oohs ] -Ew!

[觀眾嚯嚯] 嗷！

- [ As Trump ] Come on, it's a classic!

- 來吧，這是一個經典！

It's a classic!

這是一個經典！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I've never really seen him laugh, Trump, right?

我還真沒見過他笑，特朗普，對吧？

What does he laugh like?

他笑起來是什麼樣的？

Like -- [ Silent ]

Like -- [Silent]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Like a silent laugh? -A Muppet, yeah.

像無聲的笑？-一個布偶，是的。

-Yeah, he's like a Muppet, like --

-是的，他就像一個布偶，就像 --

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Maybe like a robot, like

-也許像個機器人，像

"Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah." [ Laughter ]

"啊-啊-啊-啊-啊-啊-啊"[笑聲]

-Or maybe he's like, you know,

-也可能他就像，你知道的。

some people laugh like Ernie, too. Like --

有些人也會像厄尼一樣笑就像...

[ Snickering ] [ Laughter ]

[偷笑] [笑聲]

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one, yeah.

-哦，是的。是的，這是一個很好的一個，是的。

-[ Snickering ] Yeah, that's a good one.

-是的，這是個好主意。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Actually, I was impressed with the doctor.

其實，我對醫生的印象很深刻。

He remembered every single word Trump told him to say.

他記住了特朗普讓他說的每一個字。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, Trump was given a virtual medical exam on TV.

沒錯，特朗普在電視上進行了虛擬體檢。

I guess that explains this promo I saw.

我想這就解釋了我看到的這個宣傳片。

[ Suspenseful theme plays ]

[懸念主題劇]

That's why you should watch...

這就是為什麼你應該看... ...

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-Yeah, the last few days,

-是的，最近幾天

Trump has been all over Fox News.

特朗普一直在福克斯新聞上。

Last night, he called in to Sean Hannity.

昨晚，他打電話給肖恩-漢尼迪。

At this point, even regular Fox News viewers are like,

在這一點上，即使是福克斯新聞的普通觀眾也像。

"Ugh. This guy, again?"

"唉，這傢伙，又來了？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

By now, anytime Trump calls Fox News,

到現在，只要特朗普給福克斯新聞打電話。

it comes up as potential spam.

它的出現是潛在的垃圾郵件。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

During the interview, Trump didn't sound too good.

在採訪過程中，特朗普的聲音不太好聽。

Take a listen to this.

聽一聽這個。

[ Clears throat ]

[清喉]

-Yeah.

-是的

-Yeah --

-是啊...

[ Clears throats ]

[清除喉嚨]

[ Clears throat ]

[清喉]

-Wow! -[ Murmuring ]

-哇！-[喃喃自語]

-That's great. The president of the United States

-那太好了美國總統

is slowly turning into the Mucinex monster.

正在慢慢地變成穆辛格怪獸。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

A second later, Trump was like --

一秒鐘後，特朗普就像 --

[ As Trump ] [ Coughing ]

[作為特朗普] [咳嗽]

Sorry, hair ball.

對不起，毛球。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Hannity then tried asking Trump if he'd been tested for COVID

漢尼迪就試著問特朗普是否接受過COVID測試

and Trump wouldn't give a clear answer.

而特朗普不肯給出明確的答案。

Listen to this. -Have you been

聽聽這個-你有沒有...

tested recently? -Or sooner, maybe.

最近測試過嗎？-或者更早，也許

I know I'm whether I'm great shape or not. -Did you test negative?

我知道我的身材好不好。-你的測試結果是陰性嗎？

[ Laughter ] -Have you had a test

[笑聲] 你有過測試嗎？

since your diagnosis a week ago?

自從你一週前被診斷出來後？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-So...the answer is no.

-所以......答案是否定的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

His doctor will only examine him on TV from 200 miles away.

他的醫生只會在200裡外的電視上給他檢查。

I think it's safe to say that he's still positive.

我想可以說，他還是很積極的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's like being asked, "How'd your history test go?"

就像有人問："你的歷史考試怎麼樣？"

And you go, "Yes."

然後你說："是的。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Later in the interview, Hannity asked Trump

後來在採訪中，漢尼蒂問特朗普

what he thought would happen under Biden's environmental plan

他認為在拜登的環保計劃下會發生什麼？

and he had a pretty interesting response.

他有一個相當有趣的迴應。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-"Rebuild them with tiny, little windows

-"用小窗重建它們

so you cannot see light."

所以你看不到光。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Is he attacking the Democrats

他是在攻擊民主黨嗎？

or writing a haiku?

或者寫一首俳句？

[ Laughter ] I'm worried about Trump.

我很擔心特朗普。

But later, he was like --

但後來，他就像 --

[ As Trump ] To the window,

到窗口去

[ Laughter ] to the wall,

[笑]到牆上。

'till the sweat drop down my

直到汗水從我的身上流下

[ Coughing ] [ Laughter ]

[咳嗽] [笑聲]

Hair balls.

毛球。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It didn't stop there.

它並沒有停止。

Trump then talked about California's

隨後，特朗普談到了加州的

water situation. Listen to this.

水的情況。聽聽這個。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Laughter intensifies ] -No! No!

[笑聲加劇] 不！不！ 不！

[ Applause ] No!

[掌聲] 不！

[ Laughter ] No. No, man.

[笑] 不，不，夥計。

-I swear, it's real. -Y'all did that.

-我發誓，這是真的-是你們乾的

-No, it's real. No, that is his exact --

-不，這是真的。不，這是他的確切 --

-This is the new "Do Not Read." Y'all did that.

-這是新的 "請勿閱讀"。是你們乾的

-I swear. -There's no way!

-我發誓-不可能！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Tiny windows, tiny fish.

-小窗戶，小魚

He sounds like those YouTube videos of kids

他聽起來像那些YouTube上的孩子們的視頻

after they get their wisdom teeth out.

在他們拔掉智齒後。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Then, today, Trump called in to Rush Limbaugh's radio show

然後，今天，特朗普打電話給拉什-林堡的電臺節目。

for two hours. -Agh!

兩個小時。-啊！

-And, at one point, he dropped an F-bomb

-有一次，他扔了一個F彈

while talking about Iran. Listen to this.

在談到伊朗的時候。聽聽這個。

-And Iran knows that and they've been put on notice --

-伊朗知道這一點，他們已經被通知了。

if you [bleep] around with us, if you do something bad to us,

如果你和我們在一起，如果你對我們做了壞事，

we are going to do things to you

我們要對你做的事情

that have never been done before.

前所未有的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Yeah. When Mike Pence heard Trump curse,

-是的當邁克-彭斯聽到特朗普的咒罵時，..,

he took two flies and stuck them in his ears.

他拿了兩隻蒼蠅，插在耳朵上。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ As Pence ] Not today, Satan!

今天不行,撒旦!

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, Trump says he's feeling better

好吧，特朗普說他感覺好多了

and doctors are crediting his recovery

醫生認為他的康復有功

to some advanced treatments, including a steroid.

到一些先進的治療方法，包括類固醇。

But I don't know if it's the best choice for Trump.

但我不知道這是不是特朗普的最佳選擇。

Take a look at this ad I saw the other night.

看看我前幾天晚上看到的這個廣告。

-Reclaim the day with...

-挽回今天的局面...

Dexamethasone has been used to treat

地塞米松已被用於治療。

moderate to severe cases of COVID-19.

COVID-19的中度至重度病例；

While effective, dexamethasone isn't for everyone.

地塞米松雖然有效，但並不是每個人都適合。

You shouldn't take dexamethasone if you...

你不應該服用地塞米松，如果你... ...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Side effects may include...

副作用可能包括...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-Hey, this is going viral --

-嘿，這是怎麼回事病毒 -

a woman shared a picture of a frozen tuna steak

一個女人分享了一張冷凍金槍魚牛排的照片。

that looks like President Trump.

這看起來像特朗普總統。

Take a look at this. See if you can see the --

看看這個。看看你能不能看到...

[ Audience oohs ] [ Laughter ]

[觀眾嚯嚯] [笑]

Trump saw that and was like --

特朗普看到這一點，就像--

[ As Trump ] Now, that's the tan I'm looking for.

這就是我想要的膚色。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Oh, I saw that a pet owner wanted

哦，我看到一個寵物主人想要

to keep her dogs in the yard,

把她的狗養在院子裡。

but she also wanted them to see her come home,

但她也想讓他們看到她回家。

so she came up with this solution.

所以她想出了這個辦法。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Hi!

-嗨！

[ Laughter ] Hi.

[笑] 嗨。

-[ Whining ]

-[抱怨]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-That's what happens when you're trapped

-這就是你被困住時的情況。

in your house for seven months.

在你的房子裡呆了七個月。

"I'm gonna go make some dog holes in the fence."

"我要去圍欄上打幾個狗洞"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Honey, any headway with the job search?

親愛的，找工作有進展嗎？

"No, but I made a couple of -- couple dog holes in the --"

"沒有，但我在... ... "上打了幾個... ...幾個狗洞。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And, finally, these days, it can feel like

最後，這些天，它可以感覺到像... ...

there's a lot going wrong with the world

世事無常

and sometimes you just wish you could make it right.

有時你只是希望你能把它做好。

Well, luckily, we're able to do that here at "The Tonight Show."

幸運的是，我們在 "今夜秀 "可以做到這一點。

It's time for "This Week Made Right."

現在是 "本週做對 "的時候了。

Check it out. [ Cheering and applause ]

檢查出來。[歡呼和掌聲]

♪♪

♪♪

-Shockingly, President Trump has left Walter Reed hospital

-令人震驚的是，特朗普總統已經離開了沃爾特里德醫院。

to ride around in his SU--

騎在他的SU --

Oh, wait a second.

哦，等一下。

-Aaaaah!

-啊啊啊！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Okay, yep, that's probably

好吧，是的，這可能是

for the best. -Get in there! -Aaah!

為最好的。-進去吧！-啊！

-That's right, after a heated presidential debate last week,

-沒錯，在上週的一場激烈的總統辯論之後。

the VP candidates have agreed to sit in silence

副總統候選人已經同意保持沉默

and smile at one another.

並相視一笑。

Let's take a look.

讓我們一起來看看。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Shocker for the Patriots this week.

-本週愛國者隊的表現讓人震驚。

Cam Newton is out with COVID.

卡姆-牛頓和COVID一起出局。

He could be done for the season.

他可能會在本賽季完成。

-Oh, wait a second, Al. Not so fast.

-哦，等一下，艾爾。別這麼快

-Well, look at that. It's Cam Newton.

-好吧，看那。是Cam Newton.

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-Is a great insult...

-是一種極大的侮辱...

[ Fly buzzing ]

[蒼蠅嗡嗡]

...to the men and women who serve in law enforcement

......在執法部門服務的男男女女們

and I want everyone to know, who puts on the uniform. [ Laughter ]

我想讓每個人都知道， 誰穿上制服。[笑聲]