And usually it's the kid whose birthday it is,

and we stand there and point and laugh.

We go, "Ah, Biju got slapped on his birthday!"

And that's what makes us tough and resilient.

It's why we become cardiologists and win spelling bees.

Slapping is important. It elevates your game.

You ever seen an Indian kid win a spelling bee?

Incredible!

Ice water in the veins.

[laughter]

That kid won't choke on camera. He's been slapped on camera.

-Of course he can spell "knaidel". -Knaidel.

Look at that face. Nothing. Nothing!

He's 12 years old. Nothing!

This kid just won $30,000 cash. Nothing.

People ask, "Where does that come from?" Look at this kid's parents.

Your son just won the Scripps National Spelling Bee.

Look at his brother. His brother is like, "I'm fucked. I'm fucked.

The bar is way too high. I should kill myself."

People say, "Where's Bobby Jindal from?"

That's where he comes from. That is an Indian sociopath.

[raucous laughter]

I know what happens when I talk about this.

People say, "Your parents don't love you."

I think our parents love us. We have great fathers.

I just think our fathers didn't download all the great dad software.

There are just a few apps missing.

Birthdays aren't their thing.

Every immigrant father feels like if they brought you to the US...

Happy Birthday.

Starbucks, Wi-Fi, freeways, happy birthday.

No more birthdays. Go be president.

At an interview, this lady said, "Describe your earliest birthday memory."

I was like, "Do I have to?"

So I'm six, I'm turning seven.

My dad wakes me up super early in the morning.

"Hasan, get up!

Get in the Camry."

The immigrant car of choice.

We get in the Camry, we're driving from Davis to Sacramento.

There's one mall in the entire area. Arden.

We get to this intersection,

and I look to my left,

and it's the one place every kid dreams about.

Toys 'R' Us.

I was like, "Oh, shit!

Dad saw the Toys 'R' Us catalog on my wall.

He saw my vision board.

He saw the blue BMX bike I wanted. He's here to surprise me.

Turn left. Turn left.

Turn... left."

Then he turns right,

and I'm like, "Home Depot?

No!"

I'm like, "Why are we here? Do you know what day it is?"

"It's Saturday."

"No, it's my birthday. Did you forget?"

He's like, "Hasan, how could I forget that it's your birthday?

That's why I brought you here.

So you could pick the door handle for the bathroom."

[laughter]

And I was like, "Why don't you have me pick out the toilet?

You are shitting on my dreams."

I didn't say that. I would have gotten a slap. I wanted to say that.

That's when I realized