yet awesome horoscope shorts

但令人敬畏的星座短褲

that aired on Nickelodeon back in the day.

當年在Nickelodeon上播出的。

Let's see what's written in the stars for these zodiac signs,

讓我們來看看這些生肖的星星上都寫了些什麼。

as we uncover Squidward's olden day horoscopes

我們將揭開章魚哥的舊日星相

from the vault.

從保險庫中。

And now, Astrology With Squidward.

現在是 "章魚哥占星術"。

[music playing]

[音樂播放]

Today we explore Sagittarius, sign of the...

今天我們來探討一下射手座，星座...

Eh, half horse, half guy with a bow and arrow.

誒，一半是馬，一半是拿著弓箭的傢伙。

The good thing about Sagittarians, they have great aim.

射手座人的好處是，他們的目標很明確。

No matter. I was voted most artistic in high school.

沒有關係。我在高中時被選為最具藝術性的人。

Ouch!

哎喲！

The bad thing about them, they poop while they're walking.

他們的壞處是，他們一邊走一邊拉屎。

So never march behind them in a parade.

所以在遊行中，千萬不要跟在他們後面行進。

Ah, POOP.

啊，POOP。

My prediction for Sagittarius in the coming year:

我對射手座未來一年的預測。

you won't eat enough green vegetables.

你不會吃足夠的綠色蔬菜。

I'm Squidward your Nick Tune astrologer,

我是章魚哥，你的尼克曲調占星師。

reminding you that if you smelt it, chances are you dealt it.

提醒你，如果你聞到了，就有可能是你發的。

[playing clarinet]

[演奏單簧管]

Say happy birthday to Taurus the bull.

對牛牛金牛座說生日快樂。

Taurus is the most clumsy and oafish of all zodiac signs.

金牛座是所有星座中最笨拙、最呆板的星座。

That's it!

就是這樣！

[screaming]

[尖叫]

They tend to break delicate objects just by walking past them.

他們往往只要走過就會打碎脆弱的物品。

If no one ever invites you to their house, you're probably a Taurus.

如果從來沒有人邀請你去他們家，你可能是金牛座。

No, this is Patrick.

不，這是帕特里克。

From now on, only buy things made out of rubber.

從現在開始，只買橡膠做的東西。

My prediction for Taurus in the coming year:

我對金牛座未來一年的預測。

you will eat a wide variety of different foods.

你會吃各種不同的食物。

[burping]

[打嗝]

I'm Squidward your Nick Tune astrologer,

我是章魚哥，你的尼克曲調占星師。

reminding you that no matter what your sign, you owe me five dollars.

提醒你，不管你的招牌是什麼，你都欠我五塊錢。

[playing clarinet]

[演奏單簧管]

This is Leo, sign of the lion.

這裡是獅子座，獅子的星座。

Hear him roar.

聽到他的吼聲。

[screaming]

[尖叫]

The typical Leo has a voice as pleasant as a dental drill.

典型的獅子座，聲音像牙鑽一樣悅耳。

[laughing]

[笑]

Why aren't you laughing?

你為什麼不笑？

If you have a Leo in your family, I suggest you move out or

如果你家裡有獅子座的人，我建議你搬出去住，或

buy earmuffs.

購買耳罩。

Correct!

正確！

Leos often grow up to be junior high school vice principals.

閏土們往往成長為國中副校長。

My prediction for Leo in the twelve months ahead:

我對獅子座未來十二個月的預測。

everyone you know will get one year older.

你認識的每個人都會老一歲。

I'm Squidward your Nick Tune astrologer,

我是章魚哥，你的尼克曲調占星師。

saying my powers are as real as any other psychic's.

說我的能力和其他靈媒一樣真實。

Say hello to Pisces, sign of the fish.

向雙魚座打招呼，魚的星座。

If you're a Pisces, people don't trust you.

如果你是雙魚座，人們就不信任你。

That's because Pisceans tend to lie all the time.

那是因為雙魚座的人傾向於一直撒謊。

Even when they think they're telling the truth, they're not.

即使他們認為自己說的是實話，也不是。

What?

什麼？

For the Pisces who wants to stop lying, I have simple advice.

對於想要停止說謊的雙魚座，我有簡單的建議。

Never talk again.

再也不說話了。

I don't like your attitude, bub.

我不喜歡你的態度，小傢伙。

My prediction for Pisces in the year ahead:

我對雙魚座未來一年的預測。

your nose will keep working just fine.

你的鼻子會繼續工作就好了。

I'm your Nick Tune astrologer, Squidward,

我是你的尼克曲恩占星師，章魚哥。

reminding you that psychics will tell you good things if you tip them well.

提醒你，如果你給他們好的小費，靈媒會告訴你好的事情。

[playing clarinet]

[演奏單簧管]

Let's look at Gemini, sign of the twins.

讓我們看看雙子座，雙子的星座。

If you're a Gemini, you probably experience déjà vu,

如果你是雙子座，你可能會有似曾相識的經歷。

the feeling that this moment has happened before.

感覺這一刻曾經發生過。

And you also experience déjà vu,

而且你還會體驗到似曾相識的感覺。

the feeling that this moment has happened before.

感覺這一刻曾經發生過。

[laughing]

[笑]

This month, Gemini's moon is in Uranus.

這個月，雙子座的月亮在天王星。

So, you smell funny.

所以，你聞起來很有趣。

My prediction for Gemini, you'll experience déjà vu,

我對雙子座的預測是，你會有似曾相識的經歷。

the feeling that this moment has happened before.

感覺這一刻曾經發生過。

I'm Squidward your Nick Tune astrologer,

我是章魚哥，你的尼克曲調占星師。

reminding you not to touch my stuff.

提醒你不要碰我的東西。

Happy birthday to Cancer, sign of the crab.

巨蟹座生日快樂，巨蟹的星座。

Not all Cancarians are crabby,

並非所有的坎兒井人都是暴躁的。

but they are all good at causing problems and then blaming them on others.

但他們都善於製造問題，然後歸咎於他人。

Cheer up, Mr. Krabs. Here's that washing machine you wanted.

振作起來，蟹老闆。這就是你想要的洗衣機

Cheer up?

振作起來？

How can I cheer up when you're spending all my hard earned cash?

你把我辛辛苦苦賺來的錢都花光了，我怎麼能高興起來？

See! You just did it again.

你看！你又來了

Lad, I can't help it if you're loose with other people's money.

小夥子，你拿別人的錢放肆，我也沒辦法。

Many famous fibbers and elected officials are Cancers.

許多著名的纖維人和當選官員都是癌症患者。

My prediction for Cancer:

我對巨蟹座的預測。

This week, you will fall asleep seven times.

本週，你將入睡七次。

Don't worry, you'll wake up.

別擔心，你會醒過來的。

So, you tried to kill me over a little new age management, eh?

所以，你想因為一點新時代的管理而殺了我，嗯？

I'm your Nick Tune astrologer, Squidward,

我是你的尼克曲恩占星師，章魚哥。

reminding you that it is bad karma to eat animated seafood.

提醒你，吃動畫海鮮是惡業。

Uh, let's just stop here.

呃，我們就到此為止吧。

OK, so these horoscopes were a little too harsh.

好吧，這些星座運勢是有點太苛刻了。

How are you going to live with yourself?

你要怎麼跟自己過日子？

Maybe Squidward should just stick to the clarinet.

也許章魚哥應該堅持吹單簧管

[playing clarinet]

[演奏單簧管]

Squidward! We love you!

章魚哥！我們愛你！

I love you, Squidward!

我愛你，章魚哥！

You're my favorite!

你是我的最愛！

[ringing]

[鈴聲]

Alright, alright.

好吧，好吧。

Time for another hideous day at work.

又是可怕的一天工作時間。

Oh, just hang in there, gorgeous.

哦，只是掛在那裡，華麗。

[playing clarinet]

[演奏單簧管]

Your star will shine at the clarinet recital tomorrow.

你的明星將在明天的單簧管演奏會上閃耀。