But when I was younger and this is absolutely true, people thought that I might be Asian American.

但當我更小時，這都是真的喔，大家都以為我可能是亞裔美國人。

I have pretty thin eyes.

我有蠻細的眼睛。

I had very thin eyes when I was a little kid and I had straight black hair that I wore in a bowl cut, and from the ages of three to eight people thought that I might be a young Chinese person.

除了蠻細的眼睛外，我有黑色的直髮還剪了個西瓜皮，從三歲到八歲時，人們都以為我可能是年輕的中國人。

On the first day that he met me, the guy that is now my best friend, he met me the first day of kindergarten, he went home that night and said: "Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes."

在某個人見到我的第一天，這個人現在是我最好的朋友，他第一天在幼稚園見到我，他回家就說：「爸爸，今天我認識一位沒有眼睛的男生。」

And that was me.

那就是我。

Kids would make fun of me in middle school.

在中學時，小孩都會嘲笑我。

Kids would call me a Chinaman, which of the racial slurs has gotta be the laziest.

小孩會叫我中國佬，這句種族批評根本是最懶的。

That is just pushing two words together.

他們只是把中國和人加在一起。

No work was done there.

根本不需要多動腦筋。

It was very confusing to me because I'm not Chinese.

這對我來說很困惑，因為我根本不是中國人。

No one in my family is remotely Asian.

我家族裡沒有人跟亞洲有任何一點關係。

I mean, we take our shoes off when we come inside but that was more of a carpeting thing than anything else.

我的意思是，我們在進家門前會脫掉鞋子，但那只是在保護地毯，沒有其他意思。

Here's how bad it got though.

但最後情況變得頗糟。

I remember when I was in junior high we had this music appreciation class that we never appreciated.

我記得在國中時，我們有堂音樂欣賞課，但我們從來都不會欣賞。

And they took us to hear some classical music once at a symphony orchestra.

他們有次帶我們去交響樂團聽了古典音樂。

So we go to a symphony orchestra.

我們去了交響樂團。

In one of these classical pieces, there's a moment where they bang a gong and every time they banged the gong, all the kids sitting in front of me would stand up, turn to me and bow like that.

在其中一首古典曲子中，他們得敲鑼，而每次他們敲鑼時，所以坐在我前面的孩子都會站起來、轉向我，向我鞠躬。

Which is some racist ass bullshit, but also incredibly well coordinated, for a group of 13 year olds.

這根本超級種族歧視，但以一群 13 歲的小孩來說，也非常地有協調性。

13 year olds are the meanest people in the world.

13 歲的小孩是全世界最壞的人。

They terrify me to this day.

他們到今天都還讓我害怕。

If I'm on the street on like a Friday at 3 p.m. and I see a group of eighth graders on one side of the street, I will cross to the other side of the street because eighth graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way.

如果我在週五的下午三點在街上，看見街頭的一邊有一群八年級生，我會到街的另一頭，因為八年級生會取笑你，而且以精確的方式笑你。

They will get to the thing that you don't like about you.

他們會講一些你討厭自己的事。

They don't even need to look at you for long.

他們甚至不用看著你太久。

They'll just be like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

他們就會：「哈，哈，哈，哈，哈。」

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

「哈，哈，哈，哈，哈。」

"Hey, look at that high-waisted man."

「嘿，看看那個高腰男。」

"He got feminine hips."

「他的屁股超像女人的啦！」

And I'm like "No, that's the thing I'm sensitive about!"

我超難過的，那就是我很敏感的事！

When I was a boy I was also confused with a woman sometimes over the phone because before I went through puberty I had a voice like a little flute.

在我還小時，我也常常在電話上被誤會是女人，因為在還沒青春期之前，我的聲音就像一支小長笛。

I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old fashioned sentence.

有一次我跟百視達影片在講電話，百視達影片真的是很老派的東西。

And ... it is.

真的。

I was on the telephone with Blockbuster Video.

我在跟百視達影片講電話。

That's like when your grandma would be like: "We'd all go play jacks down at the soda fountain."

你奶奶接到這種電話，她就會說：「我們都會在冷飲櫃那裡玩牌。」

You're like, "No one knows what you're talking about you idiot!"

你會覺得：「沒人知道你在說什麼啦，白癡。」

You know how you talk to your grandma?

你知道怎麼跟你奶奶說話嗎？

So--

所以——

I was on the phone with Blockbuster.

我跟百視達在通電話。

I'd called them a couple of times in one day to ask about a movie and I called for a third time.

我會一天打給他們好幾次詢問一部電影，而我已經打了第三次了。

I said, "Hey yeah."

我說：「嘿，哈囉！」

"I was just calling to see if you had Addams Family Values yet?"

「我打來是想問問，你們有《阿達一族》了嗎？」

And the guy at Blockbuster went, "Hey lady, I'll tell you when we get Addams Family Values."

百視達的人員會說：「嘿小姐？我們有《阿達一族》時，我會告訴你。」

But look, I wasn't offended as a boy being confused with a lady.

但聽著，我並不是因為被誤認成女生而受到冒犯。

I was offended as a lady who was getting pushed around by this chauvinist asshole that works at Blockbuster Video talking to me like I'm some floozy.

我覺得被冒犯，是因為身為一個女人，就要任這個沙文主義的百視達混蛋擺佈，好像我是一名妓女一樣。

I am a proud Asian American woman, and you will treat me with respect.

我是個自豪的亞裔美國女人，而你該尊重地對待我。

I am a tiger mom.

我可是虎媽。