that Ima Hogg and Harry Baals were able to overcome the poor decision-making skills of

Ima Hogg和Harry Baals能夠克服決策能力差的問題。

their parents and become successful people despite their ridiculous names.

他們的父母，成為成功人士，儘管他們的名字很可笑。

And maybe Chris P Bacon would never have become a successful composer if it weren't for his

也許克里斯-P-培根永遠不會成為一個成功的作曲家，如果它不是他的&#39；。

ridiculous name, but... you know, it's kind of the job of a parent to, uh, help a child

荒謬的名字，但... 你知道，這是一種工作 父母的，呃，幫助孩子

avoid unnecessary anguish. And let's be honest, a bad name can be a source of significant

避免不必要的痛苦。而且讓我們說實話，一個壞名聲可以是一個重要的來源。

anguish.

痛苦。

So for all of you future parents and, most importantly, your children, this is my guide

所以，對於你們這些未來的父母，最重要的是，你們的孩子，這是我的指南。

to how to name your baby properly.

到如何給寶寶正確起名。

First: Say it out loud. Say it out loud in every possible permutation. And you might

第一：大聲說出來。用各種可能的組合大聲說出來。你可能會

want to run it by a focus group of 12-year-olds.

想由一個12歲的焦點小組來管理它。

Like, Andrew Peacock's parents never knew, and neither did poor Drew, until that day

就像，安德魯-皮卡克的父母從來都不知道，可憐的德魯也不知道，直到那一天才知道。

in fourth grade... this is starting to sound like a limerick.

四年級的時候... 這開始聽起來像打油詩了。

Anyway, punchline: Droopycock.

總之，一句話：Droopycock.

It could have been avoided with a focus group of 12-year-olds saying it out loud.

如果有一個12歲的焦點小組大聲說出來，就可以避免這種情況。

Second: Name your child what you will call your child. This has been a problem for me

第二：給孩子起名字，你要給孩子起什麼名字。這個問題一直困擾著我

my entire life. I am Hank; I have always been Hank. My whole life, my parents called me

我的一生。我是漢克，我一直都是漢克。我的一生中，我的父母都叫我

Hank, but they named me William.

漢克，但他們為我取名威廉。

So whenever I'm at a doctor's office or at the airport, and somebody asks me what my

所以，每當我在醫生辦公室或在機場，有人問我，我的身體狀況如何？

name is, I sit there thinking for a second. And I feel like a doof because this person

名字是，我坐在那裡想了一下。我覺得自己像個傻瓜，因為這個人...

has just asked me what my name is, and I should know what my name is, and they're hastily

剛剛問過我叫什麼名字，我應該知道我叫什麼名字，他們匆匆地

adding me to the suspicious flyer list.

把我加到可疑傳單名單上

Third: If you do not speak the language where your child will grow up, get some native language-speakers

第三：如果你不會說孩子成長的語言，可以找一些會說母語的人。

to come in and help you.

來幫助你。

Maybe the world wouldn't really be a better place if there were fewer Harry Dongs out

也許世界不會真的是一個更好的地方 如果有更少的哈利-唐斯了

there, but it probably would be a better place for those Harry Dongs.

但對於那些哈利-唐斯來說，這可能是一個更好的地方。

Fourth: Stop trying to be cute. I know your name is Silva and you think it's adorable

第四：別再賣萌了。我知道你的名字叫席爾瓦，你覺得很可愛。

to name your daughter "Sterling" and your son "Hi-Ho". And I'm in this group, too; my

命名你的女兒「斯特林」和你的兒子「Hi-Ho」。我也在這組裡，我的

last name is Green and I think it'd be adorable to have a daughter named Olive Green.

姓格林，我想它會很可愛，有一個女兒叫奧利弗-格林。

But just don't do it, because some day, Hi-Ho Silva is going to be an adolescent and you

但就是不要這樣做，因為總有一天，嗨嗨-席爾瓦會成為一個青少年，而你

don't want him to have another reason to hate you.

不想讓他有另一個理由來恨你。

Five: Check for the top baby names... and avoid them.

五個。檢查最重要的嬰兒名字... 並避免它們。

Names, though you might have forgotten this in all of the excitement, have a utilitarian

名字，雖然你可能在所有的興奮中忘記了這一點，但它有一個功利性。

purpose. They are a unique identifier that you place upon a person so that that person

目的。它們是你放置在一個人身上的獨特的標識，以便該人

can know when people are talking to or about that person.

可以知道人們什麼時候在談論或談論那個人。

If your child has the same name as 10% of the people in their social group, I have news

如果你的孩子和社會群體中10%的人同名，我有個消息。

for you: You have failed.

為你。你失敗了

And don't just assume that if you avoid John and Jennifer, you're all good. Lemme tell

別以為避開了約翰和詹妮弗，就萬事大吉了。讓我來告訴你

ya, those names aren't even in the top 10 anymore. The two top baby names of 2010 were

雅，這些名字甚至不在前10名了。2010年的兩個頂級嬰兒名字是

Jacob and Isabella, and there were more Jaydens than there were Johns.

雅各布和伊莎貝拉，傑登的人數比約翰的人數還多。

Six: Spell like a normal person.

六、像正常人一樣拼。像正常人一樣拼寫。

I don't understand why parents do this! It doesn't change anything, it just means that

我不'不明白為什麼父母要這樣做!我不明白為什麼父母要這樣做！這並不能改變什麼，只是意味著

in the future, you will have to spell your name every time anyone wants to write down

以後，每次別人要寫你的名字，你都要寫上自己的名字

your name.

你的名字。

Do not name your child Mykul [Michael], or Kayt [Kate], or Jaucshuwa [Joshua], or Quathyryn

不要給你的孩子取名麥庫爾[邁克爾]，或凱特[凱特]，或約書亞[約書亞]，或奎思林。

[Katherine]!

[凱瑟琳]！

Seventh and last rule: Name your child a freaking name.

第七條也是最後一條規則：給你的孩子取個怪名字

Do not name your child after a comic book character, or an item of clothing, or a profession,

不要用漫畫人物、衣服或職業的名字給孩子起名。

or — most importantly — do not name it after some virtue that they will enjoy all

或者--最重要的是--不要以某種美德來命名，讓他們享受所有的一切

too much rebelling against in their early teens, like Chastity.

在十幾歲的時候就有太多的叛逆，比如貞觀。

Okay, and this is the actual final rule: There are no rules. Let's be honest, Harry Baals

好吧，這是真正的最終規則。沒有規則。讓我們說實話，哈里-巴爾斯。

and Ima Hogg prove that you are not your name and it doesn't really matter.

和Ima Hogg證明，你是不是你的名字，它並不'真的很重要。

A bad name really probably won't lead to anything except a little bit of extra adolescent angst.

一個不好的名字真的可能不會導致任何事情，除了一點額外的青春期的不安。

And let's be honest, adolescents are gonna find their angst somewhere; they might as

而讓我們說實話，青少年是要去尋找他們的憤怒的地方，他們可能會像

well find it in their name.

好在他們的名字中找到。

John, I will see you tomorrow.

約翰，我明天見你。

Endscreen. I just got my immunizations from Haiti. The one is Bugs Bunny and the other

末屏。我剛剛從海地拿到了我的免疫針一個是兔八哥，另一個是...

is Scooby Doo.

是史酷比杜。

Ow! I'm going to be in Haiti in, like, a week's time, which means that I'm going to be in

嗷！我將在海地，像，一個星期的時間， 這意味著，我將是在

Miami in less than a week's time, so if you've not bought your tickets, you should. It's

邁阿密在不到一週的時間'的時間，所以如果你'沒有買你的票，你應該。它的

very possible that we won't have any for sale at the door, so you should definitely buy

很有可能我們不會有任何出售在門口，所以你一定要買的

in advance.

預先。