yep

不,謝謝

Not interested

蛤?

No thank you

喔喔!?

Huh?

喔喔!?

Oh?!

這是什麼?

Oh?

五歲小孩威脅YOUTUBE王者Pewdiepie退出?

What is this?!

踩過我天殺的屍體!!

"Five-year-old threatens to dethrone YouTube king PewDiePie?"

踩過我的素食屍-----!!!

Over my god damn dead BODY!!!

這怎麼能夠?

Over my vegan BO---!!!!

Jefferson Graham(記者)

How could this be?

蛤?

Jefferson Graham

ok.

huh?

好吧..

okay

Jefferson Graham

oh right...

五歲小孩威脅...

Jefferson Graham

噗!

Five-year-old threatens...

也許這個小鬼...有兩把刷子

Pfft!

我是誰?

Maybe this kid... Got what it takes

下一個Pewdiepie?

Who am I?

讓我們..

The next PewDiePie?

讓我們來看一些內容

Let's uh...

*女聲:快快快快~快去床上!快去床上*

Let's check out some content

*快樂的音樂*

*Woman: Go go go go to bed! Go to bed!*

*好了,接著刷你的牙*

*Happy music*

*Ryan要去洗澡了*

*Alright then! Brush your teeth.*

他有三輪車,我愛這個

*Ryan's going in to take a bath!*

*Ryan:歡迎來到Ryan的玩具評論*

He's got a tricycle I love those.

幹!我沒有開場動畫

*Ryan: Welcome to Ryan's toys review!*

狗屎!

Fuck! I don't have an intro!

讓我現在做一個

Shit!

*裝小孩聲音*:歡迎來到Felix的玩具評論 (註:Felix是Pewds的本名)

Let's make one right now!

這真的有抓到重點嗎?

*In a cringy kid's voice: Welcome to Felix's toys review!*

看五歲小孩玩得很開心?

Has it really gone to that po*voice-crack*int?

(讀評論)看一些影片,他們會提醒你做的某些影片

Making fun of five-year-olds?

(笑)

''Watch some of the videos and they'll remind you of the videos you make''

這就是我想看的

*Laughs a little*

我是說,我為何需要查看我做的影片

That's what I wanna watch

當我可以只看別人所做一樣的屎?

I mean, why would I watch what I've made,

這真的...

when I can just watch other people make the same shit?

(笑)

That really...

這真的有品質保證

*laughs*

喔靠...我的老天...

That really certifies

我變成剛剛說情況的其中一個

Oh shit... Oh my god...

"為何你會看別人玩電玩 其實你可以自己玩?"

I just became one of those that says,

(笑)

''Why would you watch someone else play video games when you can play it yourself''

賽啦...

*laughs*

Youtube中最有名的巨星是一個五歲小孩

Shit...

給我等等!!

''Youtube's biggest star is a 5-year-old that makes''

The Verge也說很好!? (註:The Verge應該是某種新型態的媒體)

WAIT!

他媽的發生什麼事?!

The Verge as well?!

我們是在說同一個the Verge嗎?

What the... fuck is happening?!

The Verge會找出任何可以的機會

Are we talking about the same The Verge?

來吐槽我?

The Verge that will take any opportunity they can to

喔,OK,這很有趣

to shit on me?

(讀報導)Pewdiepie跟其他人, 跟華納兄弟拿錢,來說些遊戲的正面評價

Oh okay that's interesting...

一個被我揭穿的謊言

''PewDiePie and others took money from WarnerBros for positive game reviews''

去你的!

A straight up lie that I debunked

(讀報導)在過去的18周裡"Ryan Toys Review"

Fuck you!

曾是youtube上最受歡迎的頻道

''For the last 18 weeks and counting Ryan Toys Review''

有史以來最年輕的YOUTUBE巨星

''has been the most popular channel on YouTube''

這是...我們該慶祝這件事嗎?

''The youngest star YouTube has EVER seen''

我們該慶祝這件事嗎?...事實是...

Is that... Are we celebrating this?

這個媽媽就像..

Are we celebrating that.. the fact that some...

你想他會靠這個賺很多錢?

this mother is like

你以為他會得到這些玩具?

You think he's getting any money off this?

我也很喜歡他們連結每個影片的方式

You think he's getting the toys?

在他們的描述中

I also really like how they link every video ever

我真的很欣賞

in their description

(讀報導)有一天當孩子變成主持人

I really appreciate that

那孩子不是主持人

''The genre skyrocketed once kids became the hosts''

OK,我們來看個影片,我會告訴你我是什麼意思

The kids are not the hosts

*女聲:耶~太好了~*

Okay, let's watch a video and I'll show you what I mean

*Ryan:我們會得到什麼?*

*Woman: Yeah awesome!*

*女聲:我不知道~*

*Ryan: What are we gonna get?*

*女聲:哪一個才是你想孵化的?*

*Woman: I don't know!*

看到了嗎?她甚至不想讓他完成

*Who will you hatch?*

他很明確地說了些什麼!

See? She doesn't even let him finish

*女聲:哪一個才是你想孵化的?*

he was clearly about to say something there!

看看他

*Who will you hatch?*

*女人說話*

Look at him.

不,你不在乎但是我在乎!!!

*Woman talks*

他媽的給我閉嘴Ryan!!!!

No, you don't matter cuz I MATTER!!!

*Ryan: 這些看起來好像打開了*

SHUT THE FUCK UP RYAN!!!

*Ryan: 你還可以聽到裡面有些雜音*

*Ryan: These look like they might open!*

*女聲:對呀*

*You can still hear the noises inside!*

我的天啊 我想他...

*Woman: Yeah!*

我想他自己想到這些句子, 而且沒人告訴他該說什麼

Oh my god I think he...

*Ryan: 你還可以聽到裡面有些雜音*

I think he came up with that sentence himself and no-one else told him to say that

*女聲:對呀*

*You can still hear the noises inside!*

(尷尬症犯了)

*Yeah!*

我不....喜歡....

*Cringes*

我確定他愛這樣

I don't... Like...

你知道的

I'm sure he loves it.

我確定

You know

我會愛這樣...當我還是個孩子...

I'm sure

去打開一堆玩具

I would love... When I was a kid

但在此同時,這就像...

to open a bunch of toys

有些東西被關起來了

but at the same time it's like

這有點像 在電視上看童星

It's... It's something off about it

因為你知道他們的父母 正在強迫他們這麼做

It's kinda like seeing child stars on television

而這是有點悲傷的

cause you know their parents are literally forcing them to do it

我情不自禁的感受到同樣的氛圍

and it's just something sad about it

很明顯的,我不知道發生什麼事

And I can't help getting the same vibe

但我看了影片,感覺到"呃--------!"

Obviously I don't know what goes on but

(讀報導)日復一日,Ryan就像在讀劇本一樣

*cringes*

(笑)

I watch it and i'm like ''UGH!''

不

''Increasingly, it feels like Ryan is reading from a script''

這劇本是媽媽說:

*laughs*

"嘿,你他媽給我說這個"

No

(讀報導)youtube巨星們正在推動零售的銷售模式

The script being mother saying

我無法為此爭辯

''HEY, YOU FUCKING SEE THIS?!!''

潛意識廣告是最好的

''Youtube stars are driving retail sales''

贊助單元

I can't argue with that

對

''Subliminal advertising at its finest''

這很明顯

''Sponsored episodes''

他們是被沃爾瑪(零售百貨)所贊助

Yeah

百分之百

It's clearly

這太明顯了

They're sponsored by Walmart

就像...

It's 100%

看這個影片就像

It's so clear

我們得到了獨家的沃爾瑪蛋!

like...

*女聲:而我們甚至也找到了沃爾瑪獨家販售的版本!*

watch this video over there like

嗚--------------!

''We got an exclusive Walmart egg!''

為何會有任何一個孩子會在乎這件事情?

*Woman: And we even found a Walmart exclusive version too!*

跟我解釋一下

OOO

OK?

Why would any kid give a shit about that?

為何會有孩子在意這是不是沃爾瑪限定版本?

Explain that to me.

這根本完全沒有道理

Ok?

然後你得到一個評論說 "他向華納兄弟拿錢說一些對遊戲的正面評論"即使他沒有

Why would any kid give a shit about Walmart edition?

談論有關紕漏不適當的事,蛤?

It doesn't make any sense!

OK,這在哪裡?

And then you get the Verge posting ''He took money from WarnerBros for positive game reviews even though he didn't''

Ryan的成功換句話說,可以賺取很多錢財

Talk about inadequate disclosure, huh?

給他的父母!!

Ok well where is it here?

喔,為了更大的公司

''Ryan's success in other words translates into more money''

ok,ok,好吧

For his parents!

所以基本上來說,這是個法律漏洞

Oh, 'for a larger corporation''

一個普通的孩子沒辦法

Ok, ok alright

為了商業化變得滑稽

So basically, there's a legal loophole

許多州對於孩子的演出無法可管

That there's no way for the antics of an ordinary kid

他們沒有關於孩子演出所延伸的童工法

To be commercialised

這個頻道不再只是Ryan玩著他的玩具

Many states have no rules around children performing

無論他是要去迪士尼樂園、剪新髮型、還是發燒, 他的父母才是決定透露多少的人....

They have no child labor laws around performance

你懂我在說什麼嗎?

The channel isn't just Ryan playing with toys any more

你有沒有看過一個影片有1100萬觀看次數, 加上9000個讚?

Whether he's going to Disneyland, getting a haircut or running a fever, his parents are the ones deciding how much-

請告訴我那個影片,因為那並不存在

You see what I'm getting at here?

那些都不是真的人,也不是真的觀看次數

Have you ever seen a video with 11 million views and 9000 likes?

這只有1000個留言回應

Please direct me to that video. Because it doesn't exist.

看看我有1100萬觀看次數的影片

These are not real people. These are not real views.

我得到22,000的回應

There's only 1000 comments.

22,000 1000

Take a video where I had 11 million views:

最多觀看次數的影片有6億次點閱

I got 22,000 comments.

這 三 小

22,000. 1000.

這是-不好意思 這真的是他媽的三小

Most viewed video has 600 million views.

這三小

What. The. Fuck.

這比Call me Maybe的一半還多

What the ac- excuse me. What the actual fuck.

你是在說--這世上的每個人都應該知道這小孩是誰?

What the fuck.

我賭大部分看過這個影片的都他媽的沒有腦

That's more than half of Call Me Maybe

你是怎麼得到這一堆觀看次數?

Are you saying- like everybody in the entire fucking world should know who this kid is.

要如何才能讓the Verge

I bet most of you who've seen this video have no fucking clue.

還有 USA Today

How do you get that amount of views?

失敗的詮釋它?他們怎麼能上到封面?

How can the Verge

而沒有提到它?

and USA Today

你知道,我並不是在批判這個家庭

Fail to realise this? How can they run such a full cover like this?

我不在乎,我真的不在乎

And not mention it?

像是,做任何你想做的,別誤會我,這不是重點

You know, I'm not here to criticise this family

重點是"我想做的,我絕對會他媽的嚇死你們"

I don't care. I genuinely don't care.

這兩大網路媒體,The Verge跟USA Today

Like, do whatever you want, don't get me wrong. This is not the point.

像是,這是三小- 看看這個,看看這個

The point that I want to make, which I am absolutely fucking stunned,

這是他媽的特徵

That these two big-big journalist websites, The Verge and USA Today

我們來看看,也許這個"bot"曾在哪裡提到? 不

Like, where the fucking- look at this. Look at this.

假的觀看次數?不

It's a fucking feature

這整個文章,都沒有

Let's see- maybe is 'bot' mentioned anywhere? No.

所以恭喜,你付錢買了觀看次數

Fake views? No.

然後你得到這個標題 "喔!他打敗Pewdiepie了"

This whole article. Nowhere.

而我想這就是讓我很火大的原因， 因為人們總是想要他媽的讓我崩潰

So congrats. You payed for views.

你怎麼能稱自己為記者並犯下這個他媽的錯誤?

And that's how you get the title, "Oh! He's beating PewDiePie!"

你怎能他媽的這麼遲緩?

And I think that's what pisses me off so much because people want to fucking tear me down all the fucking time

你該做的就是他媽的滾動頁面

How can you call yourself a journalist and get it this fucking wrong?

你真的太笨了,我他媽的恨這個媒體

How can you be that fucking retarded?

這真的他媽的很尷尬

All you had to do was scroll the fuck down.

歡迎來到Felix的玩具評論

You're so stupid. I fucking hate the media.

*裝成可愛寶寶*

It's fucking embarrassing.

(攝影師)好了寶寶Felix你可以再做一次嗎?

"In an cringy kid's voice: Welcome to Felix's Toy Reviews!"

(攝影師)再多一點活力!!

*baby noises*

(攝影師)ok,媽媽需要一些錢

(off camera) Ok baby Felix can you do it again?

再多一點活力?

(off camera) More energy!

(攝影師)媽媽需要錢,OK?

(off camera) Ok? Mommy needs some dollar.

(攝影師)嗯,你可以再做一次嗎?更有活力一點

More energy?

再多一點活力?

(off camera) Mommy needs dollars, ok?

(攝影師)嘿這裡有Red Bull(能量飲料)

(off camera) Erm, can you do it again baby but can you do it with more energy?

(攝影師)ok?媽咪需要一些錢所以你必須看起來開心

More energy?

(攝影師)這就對了,把它喝完

(off camera) Yeah. Hey here's a Red Bull

(攝影師)好了

(off camera) Ok? Mommy needs some dollars so you need to look happy.

這太冰了我沒辦法喝

(off camera) That's it. The whole thing.

(攝影師)再來一次,但要開心點

(off camera) There you go!

啊~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's too cold I can't drink it!

(攝影師)很好

(off camera) Do it again, but happy!

Furby是我最愛的玩具

Aaaaah!

(攝影師)ok,媽咪買給你

(off camera) Good!

耶~~

Furby is my new favourite toy.

(攝影師)耶~~

(off camera) Ok, Mommy's got you a Furby!

耶~~

Yeah!

(攝影師)耶,你興奮嗎?

(off camera) Yeah!

耶!

Yeah!

(攝影師)ok!

(off camera) Yeah, aren't you excited?

我的天啊,這是-

Yeah!

(攝影師)不要毀了盒子!媽咪需要把它恢復原樣

(off camera) OK!

我不會玩

Oh my god, this-

(攝影師)你不需要懂它,不

(off camera) Don't ruin the box! Mommy's gotta return it.

(攝影師)媽咪需要新的指甲

I don't get to play-

(攝影師)ok,打開它,這是刀子

(off camera) You don't get to keep it. No.

(攝影師)給我8歲的孩子

(off camera) Mommy needs new nails.

來吧

(off camera) OK, open it. Here's a knife.

(攝影師)哇~~~

(off camera) For my eight year old son.

哇~~~~

Here we go.

喔~~

(off camera) Wooow!

這太可愛了!

WOOOOOW!

(攝影師)秀給鏡頭看

OOOH

這真是太-這真是太可愛了

It's so cute!

(攝影師)再多一點活力

(off camera) Show it to the camera

喔喔喔~~敲口ㄞ~~

It's so, it's so cute

啊啊啊啊啊

(off camera) More energy.

但媽咪這是粉紅的

AAAH! So Cute!

我想要藍色的

AAAAAH!

啊啊啊啊---------!

But Mommy it's pink.

這是當它睡著時用的面罩

I want blue.

(攝影師)哇!是不是很棒呀!

AAAAAH

啊啊啊啊啊啊

This one has a mask for when it's sleeping.

喔------!

(off camera) Wow isn't that great!

Furby: 我好奇我今晚會做什麼夢

AAAAAAAH

你看到了嗎?

OOOH!

(攝影師)媽咪希望你燒了它

Furby: I wonder what I'll dream about tonight!

媽咪我不想要,它是我朋友

You see?

(攝影師)殺了你朋友

(off camera) Mommy wants you to burn him.

但它是我朋友,是Fuzzball先生

Mommy I don't want to. It's my friend.

(攝影師)殺了你愛的人,是你成為男人的唯一道路

(off camera) Kill your friend.

這也發生在爸爸身上嗎?

But it's my friend! It's Mr Fuzzball!

Furby:對~~

(off camera) The only way you can become a man is if you kill what you love.

(攝影師)殺了它!

Is that what happened to Dad?

喔!!

Furby: Yaaas!

啊啊---!!

(off camera) Kill it!

(攝影師)ok,你怎麼看待你的新玩具?

Woah!

為何你要讓我殺它?

AAH!

(攝影師)你有跟你的新玩具玩得開心嗎?

(off camera) Ok! what did you think of your new toy?

它本來是我唯一的朋友,我們本來想離開這座城

Why did you make me kill him?

它曾經是我的全部,我們本來想跨過那座山去見海

(off camera) Did you have fun with your new toy?

還有去見見那片天空

He was my only friend. We were supposed to leave this town

我曾經愛它,我用我全部的心力愛著它

He was everything to me. We were supposed to go over to where the mountains meet the ocean

然後你讓我殺了它

And the desert meets the sky.

(攝影師)等等!!你要做什麼?

I loved him. I loved him with all my heart.

你有看過"熱刀子"挑戰嗎?

And you made me kill him.

(攝影師)寶貝停下來!!

(off camera) Wait! What are you doing!

你有看過"熱刀子"嗎?如何切過所有的東西?

Have you seen the hot knife challenge?

(攝影師)寶貝不!!!!!!!!!

(Off camera) Baby stop it!

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

Have you seen the hot knife? How it cuts through anything?

*Pewds的吼叫*

(off camera) Baby NO!

我生活在沒有框架的世界30分鐘

AAAAAAH!

我活了下來,謝謝Fuzzball先生的知識

GRRR! ARRRGH!

但在30分鐘之後,這全部改變了

I've been living off the grid for 30 minutes.