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  • I did go to Zambia though.

  • Fantastic place Zambia.

  • Went there, visited the place and had a good time.

  • While I was there I had a chaperone who really made my trip.

  • His name was Alinani, sweet guy.

  • And his job was to get me accustomed to the Zambian culture.

  • And every day he would give me a new piece of information, some more interesting than others.

  • Like one day he looks at me and goes,

  • Trevor, you know Zambia is a very, very conservative nation.

  • I said, “Oh, okay Ali.

  • He says, “Yea, so please stay away from profanity.”

  • And I said I can do that, I assumed he meant swearing.

  • But I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure if he meant a person or swearing.

  • No, no, because in Zambia people have names like Profanity.

  • So, that's how I laughed when I met Screwdriver. It's the same way I laughed.

  • Yea, because you see

  • In South Africa we have African names you can translate.

  • Like Happiness, Blessing and Hope. Those kinds of names.

  • But then in Zambia

  • People give their names, like they give their children names

  • of everyday English words, anything.

  • So like, table, chair, car, house.

  • You see, like you just have to get used to it.

  • It's very hard, but you have to keep a straight face.

  • Which was difficult because I met a mechanic, who had sons named Brake and Clutch.

  • And that was not, especially when Brake was running around causing chaos.

  • And his dad was there like, “stop it Brake, stop it Brake, stop it, stop it Brake.

  • And I was like, “Hey, stop it Brake. Ha Ha.”

  • But you have to get used to it, it's a cultural thing.

  • And so, you have to respect it.

  • And the second warning Ali gave me, was even stranger.

  • We are driving thru Lusaka, the capital.

  • And Ali looks over at me in the car and goes,

  • Trevor, you know here in Zambia we are a very God loving nation.”

  • I said, “Oh, ok Ali. That's a good thing to know.”

  • He says, “Yes, so while you are here don't be gay.”

  • I said, “What?”

  • He says, “I know it can be tempting sometimes but don't do it.”

  • Don't be gay.”

  • Don't be gay?”

  • I have never been warned of this in my life, don't be gay?

  • Hey bru, don't be gay. Don't be gay.”

  • Don't be gay?”

  • Crazy, crazy warning to get.

  • But then I found out why Ali was warning me.

  • Turns out in Zambia being gay is illegal.

  • If you are found to be gay

  • you will be arrested and sent to prison

  • for more than thirty years, yea.

  • Which is a bit of a weird punishment.

  • When you think about it.

  • I mean I am not saying that gay guys would enjoy prison,

  • I am just saying if I was gay

  • That's not the worst thing you could do to me.

  • They would be like, “you are going to jail!”

  • I would be like, “Oh no.”

  • Don't be gay?

  • I couldn't believe this, gay is a crime in Zambia.

  • Which got me thinking. If gay is a crime, that means the police have to monitor it.

  • They actually have to police gay. Yeah.

  • Which means in their police force, they have a gay division.

  • It's a crime, it's a crime.

  • So that means they have a murder unit, a robbery unit, a white collar crimes unit.

  • And then they got a gay unit.

  • Yea, they have got a little G unit in their police force.

  • That's responsible for all things gay.

  • That must be the most fun police force to be in, in the world.

  • You get to go under cover, dress up really nice.

  • Get in touch with your flamboyant side, have a good time.

  • I bet the sergeant's there every morning, briefing his detectives.

  • Good morning Detectives.”

  • Welcome everybody, today we will be launching a sting operation.”

  • We have just been informed of a fashion show that will be taking place.”

  • And as you know, the gays cannot resist the latest fashion trends.”

  • Therefore we will be in full attendance to apprehend each and every one of them.”

  • Let us make sure we are here.”

  • Detective Chepoa?”

  • Present!”

  • Detective Table?”

  • Present!”

  • Detective Mongai?”

  • Present!”

  • “I think he's in too deep.”

  • How do you police gay?

  • Do they stop you if you look suspiciously gay in the streets?

  • I mean, gay doesn't have a look. But maybe you have a bounce about you, like a bit of pizazz.

  • Do the police pull up there and is like,

  • *police siren* “You, over there!”

  • What is the purpose of that flamboyant scarf?”

  • Put your hands up!”

  • Turn around! Don't tempt me, don't tempt me!”

  • You are going to jail.”

  • How do you police gay?

  • Do they have roadblocks? Like for drunk driving?

  • Do they have gay roadblocks?

  • They are just like stopping people in they're cars.

  • Good evening Officer

  • Good evening Sir

  • License Please?”

  • Thank you very much, Mr. Stylish. Hey?”

  • Tell me Sir, have you been gay this evening?”

  • No, I have not been gay. In fact, I don't gay at all.”

  • “I see, not even one or two?”

  • No, No. No gays for me. No gays for me.”

  • Okay

  • Then tell me Sir.” *sniffing*

  • What is that I can smell on your breath?”

  • Is that balls?”

  • No, no, no, I”

  • “I don't even eat Chutney, No

  • “A ha

  • So you are not gay?”

  • No, not gay at all

  • Then Sir, can you please blow into this?”

  • Ahh

  • Don't be gay.

  • I was not gay while I was in Zambia, so I had a good time.

  • Went around and saw the people.

  • The highlight of my trip came when on my day off

  • I asked Ali for suggestions.

  • Ali said to me, “Maybe you should travel around Lusaka, meet some of the people

  • just have a good time.”

  • I said to Ali I want to do something special.

  • He said, “Oh well, in that case

  • Maybe you can go to the Mall and if you are lucky

  • maybe you can ride the escalators.”

  • I said, “What?”

  • Hey, I am not promising anything

  • but if you are early, maybe you can go once or twice.”

  • I said, “Escalators?”

  • “I know, mind-blowing ha?”

  • I thought he was messing with me.

  • Until I found out people in Zambia go to the mall

  • just to ride the escalators.

  • It seems ridiculous until you understand the backstory.

  • When we were in Zambia there were only five public escalators.

  • Five, in the whole country.

  • The first escalator was built in August.

  • Not August 19??

  • No, no. You remember August. Past August?

  • They built they're first escalators, ever.

  • Yea, and so now it is all the rage. People go to the Mall just to ride escalators.

  • But now, I don't want you to picture some dusty village.

  • That's not what Zambia is, it's a beautiful place.

  • They are developing just as we are, they have roads.

  • They got airports, the have beautiful hotels.

  • Stunning shopping Malls.

  • They've got everything we got, even faster internet.

  • The have just never had escalators.

  • And now they started building them.

  • And because of that people go there, and they just spend a day riding escalators.

  • Yea, Dads will go home and fetch their children.

  • Children, we are going to the Mall.”

  • To do what Daddy?”

  • To do shopping, and to ride the escalators!”

  • Yay!”

  • We couldn't believe this so we went to the Mall, right.

  • We get to the Mall. The Mall is empty.

  • Escalators are packed!

  • People are standing in lines going around, doubling back on themselves.

  • There's old people, young people, even couples.

  • There were couples. Guys that actually picked up woman by saying:

  • “I am going to take you to the escalator girl.”

  • Oh, you are so fancy hey?”

  • Escalators. Some people didn't even know how to ride the escalators.

  • Kids were easy, they just jumped on. Old people would panic.

  • There was one guy who got on the escalator, and it was going up.

  • And I guess to compensate for something in his mind, as it went up.

  • He started leaning.

  • He fell down! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.

  • He was hurt so badly. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.

  • Oh, it was fantastic to watch.

  • We spent like three hours doing this, watching people riding escalators.

  • And you know what? Our patience paid off, because in hour three the most fantastic thing happened.

  • A school brought a class of children to the Mall.

  • And their excursion was just to ride the escalators.

  • It was magic.

  • Thirty kids, about five years old. Cutest things, they were in their black and white uniforms.

  • And they are standing there together holding hands.

  • And they were so excited, they were shining.

  • Not from excitement, they had Vaseline.

  • And there is two teachers with the children, and they grab their hands on either end.

  • And in a long train they start marching through the Mall.

  • And as they do the start singing at the top of their lungs like little angels.

  • Escalator

  • Escalator

  • Escalator

  • Oh, Oh, Ohhhhhhoh Escalator

  • Escalator

  • It was the sweetest thing ever.

  • People are waving at them, smiling.

  • And these kids see the escalators.

  • And they lost, their minds.

  • These kids went crazy.

  • They're not holding hands, they start screaming and running around.

  • It looked like a zombie movie, or something.

  • They are jumping, but then you see the smiles on their faces.

  • It's like the end of Saraphina. You are like, “What the hell is going on here?”

  • These kids are screaming. They are jumping around doing cartwheels.

  • The teacher can't control them. She's panicking like,

  • Hey! Get back! Get Back!”

  • Two-by-two! Two-by-two!”

  • Two-by two was one of the kids, I didn't know.

  • She's like, “Two-by-Two! Next to me, next to me! Single file, single file!”

  • Other kids are still jumping, she can't control them.

  • There was one fat kid. He couldn't jump so he just shook himself.

  • Escalator!”

  • Escalator!”

  • It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life.

  • It's like I had gone in a time machine

  • to a time when escalators were new.

  • Brand new

  • and popular

  • So popular...

  • that people were taking pictures of the escalators

  • using their iPhones!

  • Technology eh?

  • Ah ah ah!

  • Who even thinks of these things eh?

  • Can you imagine?

  • Eh we are in the future now my man!

  • Mechanical moving stairs ah?

  • What are we going to see next?

  • I don't even know, I don't even know!

  • I wonder how it works, ah!?

  • Let me just check...

  • Siri, how does an escalator work?

  • I don't know

I did go to Zambia though.

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B1 中級 美國腔

"尚比亞喜歡自動扶梯,只是不要做同志"--TREVOR NOAH(《這是我的文化》)。 ("Zambia loves escalators, just don't be gay" - TREVOR NOAH (It's My Culture))

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    胡捲子 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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