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  • I just want what every woman wants.

    我只是想要每個女人都會想要的。

  • I just want what every woman wants.

    我只是想要每個女人都會想要的。

  • A 90-year-old billionaire

    一位 90 歲的百萬富翁

  • with an incurable disease.

    得了不治之症。

  • - A 90-year-old billionaire

    一位 90 歲的百萬富翁

  • with an incurable disease.

    得了不治之症。

  • (audience laughs and claps)

    (掌聲與笑聲)

  • (audience cheers)

    (歡呼聲)

  • (soft funk music)

    (放克音樂)

  • Just say a joke, just repeat what we say,

    只是講個笑話,照我們所說的去講,

  • and you can pause in the middle.

    中間可以停頓一下。

  • I'll say everything.

    我會照說的。

  • We'll try to not talk while you're talking.

    當你在講的時候,我們不會打斷。

  • -I've never thought about getting into comedy.

    我曾未想過要來講笑話。

  • I've been in front of people before,

    我有面對過人群的經驗,

  • but I've never needed to be funny.

    但都不是去搞笑的。

  • You've been in scarier situations.

    你是有經驗的,安啦。

  • Can you hear me?

    聽得見嗎?

  • I can hear you, I got you,

    我聽得見。

  • but I've been in spots where I couldn't hear

    但我有經歷過耳鳴的時後

  • because all the (beep) bombs are going off.

    因為當時所有炸彈都引爆。

  • Well, I'm not really nervous right now.

    不過我現在也沒有那麼緊張。

  • It all depends on how many people shoot at me,

    要看看有多少人會射我,

  • so I think we should be good.

    所以我覺得我們應該沒事的。

  • Give it up for Robert O'Neill.

    掌聲歡迎 Robert O'Neill。

  • Woo!

    嗚!

  • Thanks so much, appreciate it.

    感謝,非常感謝。

  • All right.

    好的。

  • Hey, guys.

    嘿,大家。

  • Hey, guys.

    嘿,大家。

  • How's it going?

    大家好嗎?

  • So this is the Belly Room.

    所以這裡是喜劇俱樂部。

  • So this is the Belly Room.

    所以這裡是喜劇俱樂部。

  • I've seen more welcoming caves in Pakistan.

    我在巴基斯坦看過很多洞穴招待所。

  • - I have seen more welcoming caves in Pakistan.

    我在巴基斯坦看過很多洞穴招待所。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • I did shoot Bin Laden because I was ordered to.

    我的確射殺賓拉登,因為這是命令。

  • Now, I did shoot Bin Laden because I was ordered to.

    我的確射殺賓拉登,因為這是命令。

  • I shot him a second time

    我射了他 2 次

  • because I'm sick of taking off my shoes at the airport.

    因為我厭煩在機場脫下鞋子。

  • I shot him a second time

    我射了他 2 次

  • because I'm so tired of taking my shoes off at the (beep) airport.

    因為我厭煩在機場脫下鞋子。

  • (audience laughs and claps)

    (掌聲與笑聲)

  • (David laughs)

    (David 笑聲)

  • For my military service,

    我的軍旅生涯

  • I've gotten two silver stars.

    我獲得了兩枚銀色勳章。

  • In my military service, though,

    我的軍旅生涯

  • I've gotten two silver stars.

    我獲得了兩枚銀色勳章。

  • Four bronze stars.

    四枚銅星勳章。

  • Four bronze stars with valor.

    四枚銅星勳章。

  • And a ton of pussy.

    還有一堆妹子。

  • And a ton of pussy.

    還有一堆妹子。

  • (audience laughs)

    (笑聲)

  • Times have changed though.

    不過時代變了。

  • Times have changed though.

    不過時代變了。

  • Back then, I got Bin Laden.

    當時我面對的是賓拉登。

  • Back then, I got Bin Laden.

    當年我面對的是賓拉登。

  • Today, I'd probably be breaking out ASAP Rocky.

    今日我可能要與 ASAP Rocky 分手。

  • Today, I'd probably be breaking out ASAP Rocky.

    今日我可能要與 ASAP Rocky 分手。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • Too soon?

    太快了?

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • Too soon.

    太快了

  • Go, go.

    接下去。

  • I killed Bin Laden.

    我殺了賓拉登。

  • Like I said, I killed Bin Laden.

    就如我的說的,我殺了賓拉登。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • I guess you could say I'm the Beyonce of SEAL Team Six.

    我猜你們會說我是碧昂絲海豹 6 隊。

  • I guess you could sorta say I'm the Beyonce of SEAL Team Six.

    我猜你們會說我是碧昂絲海豹 6 隊。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • I was in SEAL Team Six.

    我當時是海豹 6 隊。

  • I was in SEAL Team Six.

    我當時是海豹 6 隊。

  • Not like those pussies in one through five.

    不像是前面的 1 到 5 隊娘泡。

  • Not like those pussies in one through five.

    不像是前面的 1 到 5 隊娘泡。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • My favorite thing about killing Osama Bin Laden.

    我射殺奧薩瑪·賓·拉登最喜歡部分是

  • Now, my favorite thing about killing Osama Bin Laden.

    我射殺奧薩瑪·賓·拉登最喜歡部分是

  • Is that it finally ended all the war in the Middle East.

    終於結束了中東的所有戰爭。

  • (Robert laughs)

    (Robert 笑聲)

  • Is that it finally ended all the war in the Middle East.

    終於結束了中東的所有戰爭。

  • -My favorite thing about killing Osama Bin Laden, though,

    我射殺奧薩瑪·賓·拉登最喜歡部分是

  • is it's finally ended all the wars in the Middle East.

    終於結束了中東的所有戰爭。

  • (audience laughs and claps)

    (觀眾笑聲與掌聲)

  • (laughs)

    (笑聲)

  • Everyone remembers their big break.

    每個人都記得自己的重大突破。

  • Everybody remembers their big break.

    每個人都記得自己的重大突破。

  • Mine was 9/11.

    我的是 911 事件。

  • Mine was 9/11.

    我的是 911 事件。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • Any ladies want to join Squeal Team Six?

    這裡有小姐要加入尖叫 6 隊嗎?

  • Hey, any ladies out there want to join Squeal Team Six?

    嘿,這裡有小姐要加入尖叫 6 隊嗎?

  • I promise not to shoot you in the face.

    我保證不會射妳的臉。

  • I promise not to shoot you in the face,

    我保證不會射妳的臉,

  • but seriously, I'm getting the light,

    但,我已經被瞄準了。

  • I need to get the (beep) out of here.

    我得趕緊閃人。

  • (audience claps)

    (觀眾掌聲)

  • (David laughs)

    (David 笑聲)

  • Oh (beep) that was funny.

    噢,那真的太好笑了。

  • That was so funny and scary, Jesus.

    那真的太好笑又有點害怕,天啊。

  • That was terrifying.

    那真的是有點刺激。

  • That's the second time he killed.

    他第 2 次的射殺。

  • (heavy rock music) (audience cheers)

    (重搖滾樂) (觀眾笑聲)

  • So, is your earpiece working?

    妳的耳機有聲音嗎?

  • Whitney and I will feed you through this.

    Whitney 和我會用這個來傳話給妳。

  • Charlotte, can you hear me?

    Charlotte,妳聽得見嗎?

  • Where my 10s at?

    我的 10s 在哪裡?

  • When I come watch people here,

    當我看到這裡的人

  • I'm like, find it frightening.

    我有點,覺得害怕。

  • You're gonna do great as long as you had a bad childhood.

    只要妳童年過得不好,妳可以表現得很好。

  • (laughs) Okay.

    (笑聲) 好的。

  • I think, the second I get up there,

    要上台的當下,我想

  • I'm going to freak out.

    我真的會不知所措。

  • All right, get out there, let's do it.

    好了,可以出場了,我們開始。

  • Okay.

    好的。

  • (shouts)

    (尖叫)

  • Please, you guys, give it up and keep it going

    請大家給予 Charlotte MicKinney

  • for Charlotte MicKinney.

    熱烈的掌聲。

  • Woo.

    嗚。

  • Say, "Hey, guys"

    說,嘿,大家。

  • Hey, guys.

    嘿,大家。

  • How's it going?

    大家好嗎?

  • I know I look like a news anchor with a tapeworm.

    我知道我看起來像一位肚子有條蟲的新聞主播。

  • I know I look like a news anchor with a tapeworm, but.

    我知道我看起來像一位肚子有條蟲的新聞主播。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • You know, I was in "Joe Dirt 2."

    你們知道嗎,我有演過 Joe Dirt 2 這部電影。

  • I don't know if you guys know this,

    我不知道你們知不知道

  • but I was in "Joe Dirt 2."

    我有演過 Joe Dirt 2 這部電影。

  • In case you're wondering what you don't recognize me from.

    跟你們說一下,就怕你們認不出我演過哪一部。

  • So, you're probably wondering what you don't recognize me from.

    跟你們說一下,就怕你們認不出我演過哪一部。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • I dropped out of school.

    我有休學過。

  • So, I dropped out of school,

    我有休學過,

  • a lot of people know that.

    很多人都知道。

  • But then I went back to get my DUI.

    但我後來有回去領了我的酒後駕駛證。

  • But then I went back, and I got my DUI.

    但我後來有回去領了我的酒後駕駛證。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • For some reason, they still want me

    不知道是什麼原因,他們仍然想

  • to come to the reunion.

    找我回去團聚。

  • For some reason, they still want me

    不知道是什麼原因,他們仍然想

  • to come to the reunion.

    找我回去團聚。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • Did anyone see the movie "Baywatch?"

    大家有看過 Baywatch 這部電影嗎?

  • Did anybody see the movie "Baywatch?"

    大家有看過 Baywatch 這部電影嗎?

  • I was the second hottest girl after Zac Efron.

    我是在 Zac Efron 後面排行第 2 辣正妹。

  • I was the second hottest girl after Zac Efron.

    我是在 Zac Efron 後面排行第 2 辣正妹。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • I'm currently lifting weights.

    我目前有在舉重。

  • I'm currently lighting weights.

    我目前有在舉重,

  • With my bra.

    舉我的胸罩。

  • With my bra.

    舉我的胸罩。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • Is it hot in here, or am I just super hot?

    是這裡太熱了,還是我太辣了?

  • Is it hot in here, or am I just super hot and stupid?

    是這裡太熱了,還是我太辣了,真笨?

  • (audience laughs) Oh my god.

    (觀眾笑聲) 我的天

  • I just want what every woman wants.

    我只是想要每個女人都會想要的。

  • I just want what every woman wants.

    我只是想要每個女人都會想要的。

  • A 90-year-old billionaire with an incurable disease.

    一位 90 歲的百萬富翁,得了不治之症。

  • A 90 year-old-billionaire with an incurable disease.

    一位 90 歲的百萬富翁,得了不治之症。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • That's all I want, that's all I want.

    那就是我想要的,那就是我想要的。

  • You, we'll talk after.

    你,我們晚點聊聊。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • I just flew in from Cancun,

    我剛從 Cancun 飛過來,

  • and boy, are my arms tired.

    累壞了我的手臂

  • I just flew in from Cancun,

    我剛從 Cancun 飛過來,

  • and boy, are my arms tired.

    累壞了我的手臂。

  • From jerking off a billionaire on the jet.

    忙著在飛機上幫億萬富翁排放液體。

  • From jerking off a billionaire on a jet.

    忙著在飛機上幫億萬富翁排放液體。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • Look at the guy in the front row

    看著第一排那位老先生,

  • and ask him how old he is.

    問他幾歲。

  • How old are you?

    你今年幾歲了?

  • 95.

    95。

  • 95.

    95.

  • Say, "You're way too young for me."

    說,你對我來說太年輕了。

  • 95, you're way too young for me, I'm sorry.

    95,你對我來說太年輕了,不好意思。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • So, moving on.

    換下一個。

  • Hey, guys, the jokes are up here.

    嘿,大家,我比較好笑,

  • Motion to your face.

    請看這裡。

  • - Hey, guys, the jokes are up here.

    嘿,大家,我比較好笑,

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • I'm gonna wrap this up.

    我也差不多了。

  • Most of the guys have jizzed already.

    大部分的人都已經爽完了。

  • I'm gonna wrap this up

    我也差不多了,

  • 'cause most of the guys have jizzed already.

    因為大部分的人都已經爽完了。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • Thanks for coming in.

    謝謝各位捧場。

  • Thanks for coming in.

    謝謝各位捧場。

  • Good night, that was extremely painful,

    晚安,剛剛真的是非常煎熬。

  • but it's over, and I'm done.

    但我還是把講完了。

  • (audience claps and cheers)

    (觀眾掌聲與笑聲)

  • Oh, shit, she was good.

    她表現得真不錯。

  • Oh, god, I've never been

    天啊,我一直都好緊張

  • so nervous. - It's so stressful,

    好有壓力,

  • oh my god.

    我的天。

  • You were so good.

    妳真的好棒。

  • I think they thought I was on crack.

    我覺得他們以為我有在嗑藥。

  • I'm sure. Fully

    我非常的確定。

  • (audience cheers) (heavy rock music)

    (觀眾笑聲)(重搖滾樂)

  • (upbeat funk music)

    (愉悅放克音樂)

  • This is where I'm gonna feed you,

    我會用這個來傳話給你

  • so can you hear that right there?

    你那邊可以聽得到嗎?

  • I can hear that well.

    我聽得很清楚。

  • Okay, good.

    好,很好。

  • It'll be all right.

    沒事的。

  • Once you're up there,

    一旦你上台

  • you just repeat it, there's nothing to do.

    你就重複我所講的,什麼都不用做。

  • Yeah, sounds like fun.

    耶,聽起來滿好玩。

  • He's cute, that helps.

    他很可愛,會有幫助。

  • Yes, very.

    非常的有幫助。

  • All right, see you, buddy.

    哥們,等會見。

  • This is my type.

    這是我的菜。

  • (David laughs)

    (David 笑聲)

  • That's enough, Whit.

    夠了 Whitney

  • I know, I know, I'm sorry, time's up.

    我知道,抱歉,要開始了。

  • Give it up, guys, let's hear it for Chuck Lidell.

    我們掌聲歡迎 Chuck Lidell。

  • (audience claps and cheers)

    (觀眾掌聲與歡呼聲)

  • Hey, what's up, everybody?

    嘿,大家好嗎?

  • What's up, everybody?

    嘿,大家好嗎?

  • It's me, white Pitbull.

    是我,white Pitbull。

  • It's me, white Pitbull.

    是我,white Pitbull。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • No, my name is Chuck Lidell.

    其實我叫 Chuck Lidell。

  • Now, my name is Chuck Lidell.

    其實我叫 Chuck Lidell。

  • If you don't know who I am,

    如果你不知道我是誰

  • heckle me, and you'll (beep) find out.

    攻擊我,你就會知道了。

  • If you don't know my name, don't know who I am,

    如果你不知道我的名字,我是誰,

  • heckle me, and you'll find out.

    攻擊我,你就會知道了。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • I hope this standup comedy goes better

    我希望這單口喜劇演出

  • than my Jeopardy tryout.

    會比我在 Jeopardy 的節目試鏡還要好。

  • I hope my standup comedy goes better

    我希望這單口喜劇演出

  • than my Jeopardy tryout.

    會比我在 Jeopardy 的節目試鏡還要好。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • Boy, standup comedy is tough.

    大家,單口喜劇真的很硬

  • Boy, standup comedy is tough.

    大家,單口喜劇真的很硬

  • You have to be able to complete a sentence.

    你得要能夠完整的講出一句話。

  • Just to be able to complete a sentence.

    要能夠完整的講出一句話。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • Hey, real quick, has anyone seen my neck?

    嘿,快速問一下,有人看到我的脖子嗎?

  • Hey, real quick, has anyone seen my neck?

    嘿,快速問一下,有人看到我的脖子嗎?

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • I had it in the car.

    我放在車裡。

  • I had it in the car.

    我放在車裡。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • I have this thing called RMF.

    我有個稱號叫做 RMF。

  • I have this thing called RMF.

    我有個稱號叫做 RMF。

  • Resting murderer face.

    一副兇手臉。

  • Resting murderer face.

    一副兇手臉。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • I'm like an intelligent Rob Gronkowski.

    我像是一位聰明的 Rob Gronkowski。

  • It's like, I'm like an intelligent Rob Gronkowski.

    我像是一位聰明的 Rob Gronkowski。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • I don't understand my own jokes.

    我不懂我的笑話。

  • I hope you do.

    我希望你懂。

  • I don't understand my own jokes,

    我不懂我的笑話。

  • but I hope you do.

    但,我希望你懂。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑聲)

  • My wife is tough, she's like a female Ronda