I just want what every woman wants.

我只是想要每個女人都會想要的。

A 90-year-old billionaire

一位 90 歲的百萬富翁

with an incurable disease.

得了不治之症。

- A 90-year-old billionaire

一位 90 歲的百萬富翁

with an incurable disease.

得了不治之症。

(audience laughs and claps)

(掌聲與笑聲)

(audience cheers)

(歡呼聲)

(soft funk music)

(放克音樂)

Just say a joke, just repeat what we say,

只是講個笑話，照我們所說的去講，

and you can pause in the middle.

中間可以停頓一下。

I'll say everything.

我會照說的。

We'll try to not talk while you're talking.

當你在講的時候，我們不會打斷。

-I've never thought about getting into comedy.

我曾未想過要來講笑話。

I've been in front of people before,

我有面對過人群的經驗，

but I've never needed to be funny.

但都不是去搞笑的。

You've been in scarier situations.

你是有經驗的，安啦。

Can you hear me?

聽得見嗎？

I can hear you, I got you,

我聽得見。

but I've been in spots where I couldn't hear

但我有經歷過耳鳴的時後

because all the (beep) bombs are going off.

因為當時所有炸彈都引爆。

Well, I'm not really nervous right now.

不過我現在也沒有那麼緊張。

It all depends on how many people shoot at me,

要看看有多少人會射我，

so I think we should be good.

所以我覺得我們應該沒事的。

Give it up for Robert O'Neill.

掌聲歡迎 Robert O'Neill。

Woo!

嗚！

Thanks so much, appreciate it.

感謝，非常感謝。

All right.

好的。

Hey, guys.

嘿，大家。

Hey, guys.

嘿，大家。

How's it going?

大家好嗎？

So this is the Belly Room.

所以這裡是喜劇俱樂部。

So this is the Belly Room.

所以這裡是喜劇俱樂部。

I've seen more welcoming caves in Pakistan.

我在巴基斯坦看過很多洞穴招待所。

- I have seen more welcoming caves in Pakistan.

我在巴基斯坦看過很多洞穴招待所。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

I did shoot Bin Laden because I was ordered to.

我的確射殺賓拉登，因為這是命令。

Now, I did shoot Bin Laden because I was ordered to.

我的確射殺賓拉登，因為這是命令。

I shot him a second time

我射了他 2 次

because I'm sick of taking off my shoes at the airport.

因為我厭煩在機場脫下鞋子。

I shot him a second time

我射了他 2 次

because I'm so tired of taking my shoes off at the (beep) airport.

因為我厭煩在機場脫下鞋子。

(audience laughs and claps)

(掌聲與笑聲)

(David laughs)

(David 笑聲)

For my military service,

我的軍旅生涯

I've gotten two silver stars.

我獲得了兩枚銀色勳章。

In my military service, though,

我的軍旅生涯

I've gotten two silver stars.

我獲得了兩枚銀色勳章。

Four bronze stars.

四枚銅星勳章。

Four bronze stars with valor.

四枚銅星勳章。

And a ton of pussy.

還有一堆妹子。

And a ton of pussy.

還有一堆妹子。

(audience laughs)

(笑聲)

Times have changed though.

不過時代變了。

Times have changed though.

不過時代變了。

Back then, I got Bin Laden.

當時我面對的是賓拉登。

Back then, I got Bin Laden.

當年我面對的是賓拉登。

Today, I'd probably be breaking out ASAP Rocky.

今日我可能要與 ASAP Rocky 分手。

Today, I'd probably be breaking out ASAP Rocky.

今日我可能要與 ASAP Rocky 分手。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

Too soon?

太快了？

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

Too soon.

太快了

Go, go.

接下去。

I killed Bin Laden.

我殺了賓拉登。

Like I said, I killed Bin Laden.

就如我的說的，我殺了賓拉登。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

I guess you could say I'm the Beyonce of SEAL Team Six.

我猜你們會說我是碧昂絲海豹 6 隊。

I guess you could sorta say I'm the Beyonce of SEAL Team Six.

我猜你們會說我是碧昂絲海豹 6 隊。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

I was in SEAL Team Six.

我當時是海豹 6 隊。

I was in SEAL Team Six.

我當時是海豹 6 隊。

Not like those pussies in one through five.

不像是前面的 1 到 5 隊娘泡。

Not like those pussies in one through five.

不像是前面的 1 到 5 隊娘泡。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

My favorite thing about killing Osama Bin Laden.

我射殺奧薩瑪·賓·拉登最喜歡部分是

Now, my favorite thing about killing Osama Bin Laden.

我射殺奧薩瑪·賓·拉登最喜歡部分是

Is that it finally ended all the war in the Middle East.

終於結束了中東的所有戰爭。

(Robert laughs)

(Robert 笑聲)

Is that it finally ended all the war in the Middle East.

終於結束了中東的所有戰爭。

-My favorite thing about killing Osama Bin Laden, though,

我射殺奧薩瑪·賓·拉登最喜歡部分是

is it's finally ended all the wars in the Middle East.

終於結束了中東的所有戰爭。

(audience laughs and claps)

(觀眾笑聲與掌聲)

(laughs)

(笑聲)

Everyone remembers their big break.

每個人都記得自己的重大突破。

Everybody remembers their big break.

每個人都記得自己的重大突破。

Mine was 9/11.

我的是 911 事件。

Mine was 9/11.

我的是 911 事件。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

Any ladies want to join Squeal Team Six?

這裡有小姐要加入尖叫 6 隊嗎?

Hey, any ladies out there want to join Squeal Team Six?

嘿，這裡有小姐要加入尖叫 6 隊嗎？

I promise not to shoot you in the face.

我保證不會射妳的臉。

I promise not to shoot you in the face,

我保證不會射妳的臉，

but seriously, I'm getting the light,

但，我已經被瞄準了。

I need to get the (beep) out of here.

我得趕緊閃人。

(audience claps)

(觀眾掌聲)

(David laughs)

(David 笑聲)

Oh (beep) that was funny.

噢，那真的太好笑了。

That was so funny and scary, Jesus.

那真的太好笑又有點害怕，天啊。

That was terrifying.

那真的是有點刺激。

That's the second time he killed.

他第 2 次的射殺。

(heavy rock music) (audience cheers)

(重搖滾樂) (觀眾笑聲)

So, is your earpiece working?

妳的耳機有聲音嗎？

Whitney and I will feed you through this.

Whitney 和我會用這個來傳話給妳。

Charlotte, can you hear me?

Charlotte，妳聽得見嗎？

Where my 10s at?

我的 10s 在哪裡？

When I come watch people here,

當我看到這裡的人

I'm like, find it frightening.

我有點，覺得害怕。

You're gonna do great as long as you had a bad childhood.

只要妳童年過得不好，妳可以表現得很好。

(laughs) Okay.

(笑聲) 好的。

I think, the second I get up there,

要上台的當下，我想

I'm going to freak out.

我真的會不知所措。

All right, get out there, let's do it.

好了，可以出場了，我們開始。

Okay.

好的。

(shouts)

(尖叫)

Please, you guys, give it up and keep it going

請大家給予 Charlotte MicKinney

for Charlotte MicKinney.

熱烈的掌聲。

Woo.

嗚。

Say, "Hey, guys"

說，嘿，大家。

Hey, guys.

嘿，大家。

How's it going?

大家好嗎？

I know I look like a news anchor with a tapeworm.

我知道我看起來像一位肚子有條蟲的新聞主播。

I know I look like a news anchor with a tapeworm, but.

我知道我看起來像一位肚子有條蟲的新聞主播。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

You know, I was in "Joe Dirt 2."

你們知道嗎，我有演過 Joe Dirt 2 這部電影。

I don't know if you guys know this,

我不知道你們知不知道

but I was in "Joe Dirt 2."

我有演過 Joe Dirt 2 這部電影。

In case you're wondering what you don't recognize me from.

跟你們說一下，就怕你們認不出我演過哪一部。

So, you're probably wondering what you don't recognize me from.

跟你們說一下，就怕你們認不出我演過哪一部。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

I dropped out of school.

我有休學過。

So, I dropped out of school,

我有休學過，

a lot of people know that.

很多人都知道。

But then I went back to get my DUI.

但我後來有回去領了我的酒後駕駛證。

But then I went back, and I got my DUI.

但我後來有回去領了我的酒後駕駛證。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

For some reason, they still want me

不知道是什麼原因，他們仍然想

to come to the reunion.

找我回去團聚。

For some reason, they still want me

不知道是什麼原因，他們仍然想

to come to the reunion.

找我回去團聚。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

Did anyone see the movie "Baywatch?"

大家有看過 Baywatch 這部電影嗎？

Did anybody see the movie "Baywatch?"

大家有看過 Baywatch 這部電影嗎？

I was the second hottest girl after Zac Efron.

我是在 Zac Efron 後面排行第 2 辣正妹。

I was the second hottest girl after Zac Efron.

我是在 Zac Efron 後面排行第 2 辣正妹。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

I'm currently lifting weights.

我目前有在舉重。

I'm currently lighting weights.

我目前有在舉重，

With my bra.

舉我的胸罩。

With my bra.

舉我的胸罩。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

Is it hot in here, or am I just super hot?

是這裡太熱了，還是我太辣了？

Is it hot in here, or am I just super hot and stupid?

是這裡太熱了，還是我太辣了，真笨？

(audience laughs) Oh my god.

(觀眾笑聲) 我的天

I just want what every woman wants.

我只是想要每個女人都會想要的。

I just want what every woman wants.

我只是想要每個女人都會想要的。

A 90-year-old billionaire with an incurable disease.

一位 90 歲的百萬富翁，得了不治之症。

A 90 year-old-billionaire with an incurable disease.

一位 90 歲的百萬富翁，得了不治之症。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

That's all I want, that's all I want.

那就是我想要的，那就是我想要的。

You, we'll talk after.

你，我們晚點聊聊。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

I just flew in from Cancun,

我剛從 Cancun 飛過來，

and boy, are my arms tired.

累壞了我的手臂

I just flew in from Cancun,

我剛從 Cancun 飛過來，

and boy, are my arms tired.

累壞了我的手臂。

From jerking off a billionaire on the jet.

忙著在飛機上幫億萬富翁排放液體。

From jerking off a billionaire on a jet.

忙著在飛機上幫億萬富翁排放液體。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

Look at the guy in the front row

看著第一排那位老先生，

and ask him how old he is.

問他幾歲。

How old are you?

你今年幾歲了？

95.

95。

95.

95.

Say, "You're way too young for me."

說，你對我來說太年輕了。

95, you're way too young for me, I'm sorry.

95，你對我來說太年輕了，不好意思。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

So, moving on.

換下一個。

Hey, guys, the jokes are up here.

嘿，大家，我比較好笑，

Motion to your face.

請看這裡。

- Hey, guys, the jokes are up here.

嘿，大家，我比較好笑，

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

I'm gonna wrap this up.

我也差不多了。

Most of the guys have jizzed already.

大部分的人都已經爽完了。

I'm gonna wrap this up

我也差不多了，

'cause most of the guys have jizzed already.

因為大部分的人都已經爽完了。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

Thanks for coming in.

謝謝各位捧場。

Thanks for coming in.

謝謝各位捧場。

Good night, that was extremely painful,

晚安，剛剛真的是非常煎熬。

but it's over, and I'm done.

但我還是把講完了。

(audience claps and cheers)

(觀眾掌聲與笑聲)

Oh, shit, she was good.

她表現得真不錯。

Oh, god, I've never been

天啊，我一直都好緊張

so nervous. - It's so stressful,

好有壓力，

oh my god.

我的天。

You were so good.

妳真的好棒。

I think they thought I was on crack.

我覺得他們以為我有在嗑藥。

I'm sure. Fully。

我非常的確定。

(audience cheers) (heavy rock music)

(觀眾笑聲)(重搖滾樂)

(upbeat funk music)

(愉悅放克音樂)

This is where I'm gonna feed you,

我會用這個來傳話給你

so can you hear that right there?

你那邊可以聽得到嗎？

I can hear that well.

我聽得很清楚。

Okay, good.

好，很好。

It'll be all right.

沒事的。

Once you're up there,

一旦你上台

you just repeat it, there's nothing to do.

你就重複我所講的，什麼都不用做。

Yeah, sounds like fun.

耶，聽起來滿好玩。

He's cute, that helps.

他很可愛，會有幫助。

Yes, very.

非常的有幫助。

All right, see you, buddy.

哥們，等會見。

This is my type.

這是我的菜。

(David laughs)

(David 笑聲)

That's enough, Whit.

夠了 Whitney

I know, I know, I'm sorry, time's up.

我知道，抱歉，要開始了。

Give it up, guys, let's hear it for Chuck Lidell.

我們掌聲歡迎 Chuck Lidell。

(audience claps and cheers)

(觀眾掌聲與歡呼聲)

Hey, what's up, everybody?

嘿，大家好嗎？

What's up, everybody?

嘿，大家好嗎？

It's me, white Pitbull.

是我，white Pitbull。

It's me, white Pitbull.

是我，white Pitbull。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

No, my name is Chuck Lidell.

其實我叫 Chuck Lidell。

Now, my name is Chuck Lidell.

其實我叫 Chuck Lidell。

If you don't know who I am,

如果你不知道我是誰

heckle me, and you'll (beep) find out.

攻擊我，你就會知道了。

If you don't know my name, don't know who I am,

如果你不知道我的名字，我是誰，

heckle me, and you'll find out.

攻擊我，你就會知道了。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

I hope this standup comedy goes better

我希望這單口喜劇演出

than my Jeopardy tryout.

會比我在 Jeopardy 的節目試鏡還要好。

I hope my standup comedy goes better

我希望這單口喜劇演出

than my Jeopardy tryout.

會比我在 Jeopardy 的節目試鏡還要好。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

Boy, standup comedy is tough.

大家，單口喜劇真的很硬

Boy, standup comedy is tough.

大家，單口喜劇真的很硬

You have to be able to complete a sentence.

你得要能夠完整的講出一句話。

Just to be able to complete a sentence.

要能夠完整的講出一句話。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

Hey, real quick, has anyone seen my neck?

嘿，快速問一下，有人看到我的脖子嗎？

Hey, real quick, has anyone seen my neck?

嘿，快速問一下，有人看到我的脖子嗎？

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

I had it in the car.

我放在車裡。

I had it in the car.

我放在車裡。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

I have this thing called RMF.

我有個稱號叫做 RMF。

I have this thing called RMF.

我有個稱號叫做 RMF。

Resting murderer face.

一副兇手臉。

Resting murderer face.

一副兇手臉。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

I'm like an intelligent Rob Gronkowski.

我像是一位聰明的 Rob Gronkowski。

It's like, I'm like an intelligent Rob Gronkowski.

我像是一位聰明的 Rob Gronkowski。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

I don't understand my own jokes.

我不懂我的笑話。

I hope you do.

我希望你懂。

I don't understand my own jokes,

我不懂我的笑話。

but I hope you do.

但，我希望你懂。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

My wife is tough, she's like a female Ronda Rousey.

我的太太很強悍，他像是一位女性的 Ronda Rousey。

My wife is tough, she's like a female Ronda Rousey.

我的太太很強悍，他像是一位女性的 Ronda Rousey。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

All right, well, I gotta go.

好的，我差不多要離開了

Well, I gotta go.

我差不多要離開了。

I have protein powder.

我有高蛋白粉。

I have protein powder.

我有高蛋白粉。

And it's not gonna snort itself.

它不會自己吸。

It's not gonna snort itself.

它不會自己吸。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑聲)

Thank you, good night.