you'd do before, you know? Like, getting married.

你知道嗎？像是結婚。

I thought I was gonna get married.

我當時以為我要結婚了。

For me, I never thought I was gonna get married

對我來說，我曾未想過要嫁人這件事，

cause I have all this divorce in my family, you know.

因我家庭有過離婚的故事，你知道的。

I also think when you get older as a woman,

我還知道當女人變成熟女後，

marriage just becomes a little more appealing,

婚姻會顯得很有吸引力，

'cause marriage is set up for girls

因為婚姻是專門為女人

as an offer that you just cannot refuse.

所設的福利，妳還不能拒絕它。

If someone came up to me on the street randomly,

如果有人在街上隨機問我，

and marriage as an institution, did not exist,

婚姻是個不存在的機構，

and someone was just like, "Excuse me ma'am.

他問：「女士不好意思，

Hi, um, would you be interested in a beautiful diamond ring?

嗨，妳對漂亮的鑽戒會有興趣嗎？

And a bunch of parties where your friends will buy you

還有一堆聚會上，朋友會買給你

whatever the (bleep) you want?

任何你想要的東西？

And then you get to move into somebody else's house

然後你需要搬過去跟某個人一起住

and get on their health insurance plan.

他會幫你加保健康保險。

And then if they cheat on you,

如果他背著妳偷吃，

you get half their shit, no questions asked...

你便可以得到他一半的財產，他屁都不能吭一聲…

would you be interested in that?"

妳會有興趣嗎？

Yeah, man, yeah, yeah.

有的，有的。

How do I get all that shit?

我要如何得到這些東西？

Well, you just have to have sex with the same man

你得要跟這位男人做愛

for the rest of your life.

一輩子。

Ohhh.

噢。

You know what? (Bleep) it. I have Tylenol PM.

管它的，我有安眠藥。

Let's do this shit. Where do I sign up?

我們來做吧，我該在哪裡簽名？

(giggles)

(笑聲)

It's not that we love you.

我們並不是愛你

We just want shit, okay?

而是想要東西而已，好嗎？

It's the same thing with sex.

性事方面也是一樣。

Like, we don't always have sex with you guys

我們才沒有時時都想要和你們做愛

because we like want that (bleep).

是因為我們想要那 XX。

No!

才不是！

No!

才不是！

Okay, Half the time I have sex with a guy,

好的，我跟男生做愛一半都是

it's because it burns calories.

因為可以消耗熱量。

(applause)

(掌聲)

I'm like oh, God. I had that lasagna today...

像是我今天剛吃完千層麵…

I don't have time to go to the gym, so...

我沒有時間上健身房，所以…

I should probably just (bleep) this guy.

我乾脆直接上了這個男的。

(sighs)

(嘆氣聲)

But I really go for it, you know.

但我真會去做，你知道的，

I wear a terrycloth headband and ankle weights.

我綁上個頭巾，穿上踝部沙袋

I get in there...

準備就位…