You and I will each take turns telling a story to our audience

你和我將就一個主題輪流說一個故事

about one topic. Okay? -Okay.

給觀眾聽。可以嗎？-可以。

Tonight's topic is... [Drum roll]

今天的主題是... [擊鼓聲]

...embarrassing parents.

...令人尷尬的父母。

All right. Okay.

好的。可以。

-Since you're my guest, I'm going to give you the honor

既然你是我的來賓，那麼我就把先看我說故事

of watching me go first. [Laughter]

的這個榮耀給你。[笑聲]

You can take your place over there by the --

你可以過去，你的位子在那邊--

-Okay. -I'll start off.

-好的。-我要開始了。

-Okay, here we go. -All right, go ahead.

-好，開始了。-好的，請開始。

All right. I have so many embarrassing parent stories.

好。我有很多令人尷尬的父母故事。

I'm trying to think. I don't know which one to --

我正在想。我不知道要講哪一個--

You picked the topic because I'm Indian, right?

你選這個主題是因為我是印度人，對嗎？

No, I didn't know. [ Laughter ]

不是，我不知道。[笑聲]

-Yeah, you did. -No, it was at random.

-是，你知道。-不是，這是隨意挑選的。

-No, I promise, no. -Okay, okay, okay.

-不是這樣的，我保證不是。-好、好、好。

Please, I'm Irish. I got some bad ones, too.

拜託，我是愛爾蘭人。我也有很多糟糕的故事。

Yeah. What do we got? I mean, my mom's got so many.

好的，我們要說什麼呢？我媽媽有好多故事。

I'll do -- I'll do my dad because I talked to him today.

我要-- 我要說我爸爸的因為我今天有和他通話。

So he reminded me of this story.

所以他讓我想起這個故事。

My dad was very -- We never had any luck with cars growing up.

我的爸爸以前非常-- 我們在成長的過程中家裡從來沒有好車。

We just never had a great car.

我們就是沒有一部好車。

And I remember we finally did get a nice car.

而我記得我們終於得到一部好車。

It was a Cutlass Ciera.

那是一台 Cutlass Ciera。

That was the name of it. It even sounds fancy.

那是它的名字。聽起來就很華麗。

And I think it had, like, cloth seats,

我記得它有，像，布座椅

which was a big deal for us.

那對我們而言是很重要的。

'Cause the seats would be vinyl

因為座椅也有可能是塑膠皮製

and just be too hot and everything.

那就會太熱什麼的。

Like, we just burn -- we'd burn our flesh and stuff.

我們會熱死--我們會燙傷皮膚。

[ Laughter ] But, no, this was like,

[笑聲] 但是，沒有，這台車就是

"Wow, luxury." And it was amazing.

「哇，奢華。」它真的很棒。

And so one night, he was coming home from work.

有一天晚上，我爸爸工作完以後回家。

And we used to wait out for the car and stuff like that

我們從前會在外面等著爸爸

when my dad would come -- Me and my sister and my mom.

開車回家--我和我的妹妹和媽媽。

So the car was coming down the street and the horn was honking.

車子從街上開過來然後喇叭正叭叭作響。

[ Imitates horn honking ]

[模仿喇叭響聲]

And my mom was like, "oh, my God, kids, come out.

我媽媽說，「噢，我的天啊，孩子們，出來。

Let's greet -- Let's say hi to daddy outside.

讓我們一起迎接--我們去外面和爸爸說嗨。

I think he won the lottery. [ Laughter ]

我想他中了樂透彩。[笑聲]

I think we won the lottery."

我想我們中了樂透彩。」

And we're like "Oh, my gosh. What?"

而我們心想「噢，老天爺。真的嗎？」

And, like, she was almost crying.

她就像是幾乎要哭出來了一樣。

We ran out to the driveway and the car is honking.

我們跑到車道上，車子還在叭叭作響。

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

嗶！嗶！嗶！嗶！

And my dad gets out and slams the door,

接著我爸爸走出來並將門甩上

and the car is still honking.

然後那台車還在叭叭作響。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"The horn's broke." Didn't even look at us.

「喇叭壞了。」爸爸連看我們一眼都沒有。

Just walked right past us and got a beer.

只是從我們身邊走過去然後拿了一瓶啤酒。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And then another thing happened to my dad's car.

還有另外一件事發生在我爸爸的車上。

He was -- He was trying to fix his car.

他那時-- 他嘗試要修理他的車。

And he got a thing called, like, Gunk-Out or something

他有一個叫做，好像是 Gunk-Out 還是什麼

that you spray on the engine.

讓你噴在引擎上的東西。

My dad does not know anything about cars.

我爸爸對車子一竅不通。

He's from Brooklyn, New York. Barely knows how to drive a car.

他是從紐約布魯克林來的。連車子也不太會開。

But he's fixing his car in the driveway.

但是他在車道上修車。

And he's spraying this thing. And he turns on the engine on.

他在噴灑這個東西。接著他發動汽車。

And the car lights on fire. [ Laughter ]

然後車子就起火了。[笑聲]

So my dad's freaking out. He doesn't know what to do.

我爸爸嚇壞了。他不知道要如何反應。

So he slams the hood closed.

所以他把引擎蓋重重地關上。

And it's like flames growing out the sides.

而火焰從側面衝出來。

And he's like, "Oh, maybe that was a mistake.

接著他說，「哦，這可能是錯的。

Maybe I should try to open it up again

或許我應該嘗試再將引擎蓋打開

to get the flames to go out. -Oh, no.

讓火焰散出來。噢，不。

So he went and he popped the hood.

然後他走過去啪打了一下引擎蓋。

And then went around. It had one of those, like,

接著來回走動。引擎蓋前面有一個

kind of locks in the front that it's really hard to open.

像鎖一樣的東西，非常難打開

So he was burning his fingers. [ Laughter ]

所以他燙傷了他的手指頭。[笑聲]

And he couldn't open the hood. And he just came in.

他還是打不開引擎蓋。接著他走進來。

He goes, "Kids, just get on the ground.

他說:「孩子們，趴在地上

I think the car is going to blow up."

我像車子就要爆炸了。」

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And we laid on the ground.

然後我們全都趴在地上。

And my mom's, like, "We got to tell the neighbors."

我媽說，「我們必須通知鄰居。」

'Cause they had their kids. He was like --

因為他們都有孩子。

And he yelled over to them. He's like, "Go inside.

爸爸對著他們大叫。他說，「進去

My car is about to explode." [ Laughter ]

我的車就要爆炸了。」[笑聲]

And the kids ran in. And people were screaming.

接著孩子們都跑回家。人們在尖叫。

And we called the fire department.

我們打電話到消防局。

And we were laying on the ground.

我們全趴在地上。

And then they came -- -But, you guys stayed?

之後他們來了---但是，你們都留在那裡？

-Oh, we stayed and just laid on the ground.

喔，我們留在那裡而且趴在地上。

Like -- just hoping. [ Laughter ]

就像是--盼望著。[笑聲]

-They ran for it. Let them be safe.

他們跑走了。讓他們得到安全。

-Oh, yeah. Our neighbors ran down the street.

沒錯。我們的鄰居們跑到街上去。

Yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]

是的，沒錯。[笑聲]

And they put out the thing. And my dad's car was totaled.

之後他們將火滅了。而我爸爸的車子就這麼毀了。

He burnt -- Every wire was stripped.

他燒了-- 每一條電線都剝落。

And there was nothing on it.

無一倖免。

And that was the last time we ever got a nice car.

而那就是我們最後一次擁有一部好車。

There you go. That's my story.

就這樣。那就是我的故事。

[ Laughter, cheers, and applause ]

[笑聲、歡呼聲和掌聲]

♪♪

♪♪

-I got to go now? -Yeah, now it's your turn.

現在輪到我了嗎？是的現在輪到你了。

Okay. -All right.

好的。好。

Now send it up. -All right. So this like --

現在開始吧。好，所以這是像

this is a competition? This is, like, a --

這是一個比賽嗎？這是像一個

-Oh, maybe. -Is it?

喔，可能是。是嗎？

-No I think it's more of a fun story telling thing. But --

不，我想這比較像是分享有趣的故事。但是--

-No, no, no. I just not --

不、不、不。我只是不想--

I don't want participation points.

我要的不是參與積分。

I want to win or lose it.

我要的是贏或輸。

-Okay, all right, all right, all right.

好的，好啊、好、好。

[ Laughter ] Go for it.

[笑聲] 來吧。

-I got to -- Okay, okay. -Okay, okay, okay.

我必須--好、好。好、好、好。

[Laughs]

[笑]

Okay, I -- [ Laughs ]

好的，我--[笑]

Okay. I have -- I'm okay.

好的。我必須--我沒事。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

No, I have to think about what are the repercussions

不，我必須要考慮一下如果我說這個的後果

if I tell this, but who cares?

會是什麼，但誰在乎呢？

Let's just -- let's do this. All right.

我們就-- 我們開始吧。好的。

[ Laughter ] So -- because I got to win.

[笑聲] 那麼-- 因為我必須要贏。

So when I was in high school,

當我上高中的時候

I told a lot of stories about growing up.

我說過很多有關我成長過程中的故事。

But -- I don't know if you guys know this,

但是-- 我不知道你們知道這件事嗎

but I wasn't very good at math or science.

我的數學和科學的成績都很差。

I'm sorry.

真不好意思 。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I know. I've let our people down. But...

我知道我讓我們的人民失望了。不過...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

So I was failing Honors Chem.

我沒有通過 Honors Chem 的考試。

And, so sometimes during lunch,

所以有時候我會在

I would have lunch in Mr. Delucas' classroom.

Delucus 老師的教室裡吃午餐。

You know, like all popular kids do.

你知道的，所有受歡迎的孩子們也是這樣。

[ Laughter ] And hang out.

[笑聲] 在那裡混。

Hang out with the teacher during lunch.

在午餐時間和老師一起打發時間。

-Eating -- -So I'm in there during lunch.

吃飯--- 所以午餐的時間我都在那裡。

Mr. Delucas is like, "Hey, I got to go to the bathroom.

Delucas 老師告訴我，「嘿，我要去洗手間。

Just give me a minute I'll be right back."

等一下我就回來了。」

He leaves to go to the bathroom. I look at his desk.

他離開教室去洗手間。我看著他的桌子。

And the homework solutions manual

家庭作業解答本

is just sitting right there on the desk.

就在那張桌子上。

And it's just looking at me like the Sports Almanac

它就像「回到未來」裡的那本運動年鑑

in "Back to the Future." Like, "I have all the answers.

一樣的看著我。像是對我說「我有所有的答案。

[ Laughter ] Just pick me up."

[笑聲] 把我拿走吧。」

And I was like, "He'll never guess that if I take this --

而我當時心想，「他永遠不會猜到是我拿的--

he won't even know it was me.

他不會知道是我做的。

He's not going to guess that the Indian kid did it.

他肯定猜不到這會是印度小孩幹的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

So I take the solutions manual.

所以我將解答本拿走。

I put it in my backpack. I walk out of the class.

我將它放在背包裡。我走出教室。

And I'm like, "Okay, this is wrong.

而我想，「這是不對的。

What you are doing is objectively wrong."

客觀上來說，你的所作所為是錯的。」

And I know -- like, I feel awful about it.

而我知道-- 我覺得這樣很不好。

I have kids. I should not do this.

我有孩子。我不應該做這種事。

Cheating is wrong. But...

欺騙是錯的。但是...

I've never felt more alive.

我感到前所未有的活力。

[ Laughter ]

[笑]

And I'm like,

接著我想

"What if I go to Kinko's

「如果我到 Kinko‘s

and I just photocopy this, and I sell it to other kids?"

影印它，然後賣給其他的小孩？」

[ Laughter ] -Oh, gosh.

[笑聲] 噢，我的天啊。

-And so I'm at Kinko's, and I just photocopy the book.

所以我去到 Kinko's，並影印了整本書。

I come back to school. And I just start selling

我回到學校。接著我開始將作業答案

the answer to the homework to other kids

販賣給其他的小孩

for $5 a pop, which is a discount.

一張複印紙 5 元美金，這已經是折扣後的價格了。

That's a discount. It's a great deal!

那是折扣價。非常划算！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

All the answers for the entire year, five bucks?

一整年的答案只要 5 塊？

And, eventually, someone snitched.

最後，有人告發。

I don't know who it was. It was Michael Minichiello.

我不知道那個人是誰。是 Michael Minichiello。

But I don't know who it was. [ Laughter ]

但我不知道他是誰。[笑聲]

And I don't know. I just -- I don't know who it could be.

我不知道。我只是-- 我不知道那可能會是誰。

And Mr. Delucas calls me into his classroom.

Delucas 老師把我叫到他的教室裡。

And he sits me down. And is like,

他讓我坐下。他說

"I know you're the kid who stole the solutions manual.

「我知道你就是把答案本偷走的人。

And, Hasan, what you have done --

Hasan，你做的這件事--

you have violated my trust,

你破壞的我的信任

you've insulted the ethical standards of this school,

你侮辱了這間學校的道德標準

And I should expel you right now.

我現在應該要馬上開除你。

But I'm going to call your father instead."

但我要打電話給你的父親。」

And I was like, "Just expel me, please."

而我心想，「你就開除我就好了，拜託。」

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

He puts my dad on speakerphone.

他將電話轉成擴音

"Mr. Minhaj, come to Davis High School immediately.

「Minhaj 先生，請馬上來 Davis 高中一趟。

I am waiting here with your son."

我和您的兒子在這裡等您。」

It was the longest 45 minutes

那是我生命當中

I've ever had to go through in my life.

經歷過最長的 45 分鐘。

I'm sitting there. There's just an empty chair, sweating.

我坐在那裡。那裡只有一張空椅子，爆汗。

I'm like, "I'm going to die."

我想，「我死定了。」

My dad comes in. He sits down.

我爸爸進來。他坐下。

Mr. Delucas is like, "Your son is the criminal master mind

Delucas 老師說，「您的兒子是本校

behind one of the biggest cheating scandals

最大作弊醜聞之一的

at this school.

犯罪主謀。

He has been selling the homework answers

他將作業答案販賣

to multiple students in his class."

給眾多的同班同學。」

And my dad, he looks at Mr. Delucas.

而我的爸爸，看著 Delucas 老師。

and he was like, "Mr. Delucas,

他說，「Delucas 先生，

my son did not do this."

我的兒子並沒有做這件事。」

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And I was like, "Wow. Like, pops, like, he trusts me.

我當時心想，「哇，老爸，他竟然相信我。

[ Laughter ] He has my back."

[笑聲] 他支持我。」

-Wow.

哇。

And he's like, "Hasan is a coward.

然後他說，「Hasan 是一個膽小鬼。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

He doesn't have the guts to pull this off."

他沒有那個膽子做這件事。」

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And I did graduate.

所以我還是畢業了。

And here I am. So -- [ Laughter ]

然後我今天在這裡。所有-- [笑聲]

[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, guys.

[歡呼和掌聲] 謝謝大家。

♪♪

♪♪

-Coward? -A coward.

膽小鬼？一個膽小鬼。

Tough dad! That's hilarious.

你爸真猛！太好笑了。

That is how you do it right there, everybody.

大家，這就是說故事啊！

Hasan Minhaj! [ Cheers and applause ]

Hasan Minhaj！[歡呼聲和掌聲]