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  • Presenting the Internet phenomenon,

  • Whindersson Nunes!

  • Thank you, Salvador!

  • What a beautiful thing, what a wonderful thing!

  • Thank you! A round of applause for you!

  • That's it.

  • Thank you so much, I'm very happy to be here today.

  • I came to do this show for you.

  • The first trip I made was to São Paulo,

  • and then I started to travel more.

  • Outside of the northeast, right? With the shows.

  • One thing I've noticed,

  • anyone who's not from the northeast, tends to judge us.

  • And that is fucked up, why?

  • They think that here, it's always sunny and hot.

  • It's always sunny and hot.

  • "Where are you from?" "I'm from Piauí."

  • And the person goes, "Holy Mary, my dear God!"

  • It's as if I brought the sun in my pocket to throw at them.

  • I don't understand it. I can't feel hot in São Paulo.

  • I can't. If I do this, there's always a guy, "What's up?"

  • "I'm hot." "How come you feel hot?

  • Aren't you from the northeast?"

  • And I say, "I'm from the northeast,

  • but I'm not the son of Satan."

  • The people... What?

  • I'm serious, man.

  • We have to feel it in our veins.

  • They don't believe that you're from Piauí, man.

  • You have to be sunburned.

  • Suffering.

  • From getting water at noon with a bucket on your head.

  • My undernourished eight brothers.

  • Janderson, Wilson, Wanderson, all of them.

  • All the names with "son" in the end, to sound poorer.

  • Nobody believes.

  • "Where are you from?" "From Piauí." "Oh, doesn't look like it."

  • And I go, "Why?" "Because you're very white."

  • I say, "In my house, I have a roof, right? I have a roof."

  • And that's it. I get asked if I have ever seen a jaguar.

  • "Where are you from?", " From Piauí." "Have you ever seen a jaguar?"

  • Kind of like, if I go to Japan,

  • I'll see Goku in the middle of the street.

  • For God's sake!

  • No.

  • That's fucked up.

  • And we are different.

  • We're different from others. Very different.

  • People make fun of us, saying we have a big head.

  • I don't think that's a flaw, I think it's an attribute.

  • We are cute.

  • We look like those bobblehead dolls you put over the TV

  • and they go like this.

  • Isn't it nice? It's nice.

  • I think it's nice.

  • And I like to be different from other people.

  • We're not like outsiders. Outsiders are completely different.

  • We are a whole new thing.

  • We rock. We are a whole new level.

  • You must pay attention. Don't scream like this now, maybe later with me.

  • Seriously, we are. For every occasion we have a party.

  • From any situation, we make a carnival.

  • Imagine Harry Potter was visiting São Paulo,

  • Harry Potter, the magician, passed by across the street, and people said,

  • "My God, Harry Potter! Brother, look!

  • Harry Potter!

  • Wingardium Leviosa!"

  • Harry Potter left. They are like: Oh, brother! My God. Did you see that?

  • Now imagine the same in Piauí, holy Mary!

  • He was walking on the other side and they go,

  • "Hey! Harry Potter!

  • I've watched you since I was a little kid!

  • What can you do?

  • Can you transform that pear into bread?"

  • Then they take him by the hand and introduce him to Mom, Dad, everyone.

  • We like that.

  • Fart? Holy Mary! A fart is a celebration!

  • It's not like São Paulo.

  • In Belo Horizonte, it's like,

  • there are six people, one farted, and the first one to notice goes,

  • "I'm going to get some water for us."

  • So he leaves, then one after another goes,

  • until there's just the one who farted left.

  • Because he who farts doesn't abandon it.

  • He stays and enjoys the breeze.

  • "That took a lot of effort, let's smell it."

  • Now a fart in Piauí,

  • the first one to notice makes it a scandal!

  • Maybe it's not even stinky, just the sound of it.

  • Holy Mary!

  • "They shit themselves!"

  • They shit themselves. If someone is passing by, we say,

  • "Please don't go that way. Come this way.

  • Come this way.

  • They're shitting themselves over there."

  • We'll conduct a crime scene investigation

  • to find the guy who farted.

  • What for? To humiliate him.

  • And you will forever be labeled "the farter."

  • Are you eating vultures, fat boy?

  • Your ugly ass is so rotten it should be in the garbage.

  • And we get creative.

  • We spend 15 minutes looking at the floor,

  • expecting someone to ask what I'm doing.

  • "What are you looking for?"

  • "The folds of your ass! They should be here."

  • We have that.

  • We are different.

  • Farts are funny.

  • A fart is funny. It's a wind coming out of your ass, out of nowhere.

  • It's very impressive.

  • I'll tell you something, now,

  • it's not a joke, its serious.

  • I was home,

  • watching the afternoon news, just sitting.

  • I farted, and I swear it said "Michael."

  • I swear, I was just sitting there,

  • chillin' out, all on my own.

  • I could feel that this fart was going to be a good one.

  • Could feel it building up.

  • This is going to be good.

  • I lifted my leg,

  • so I wouldn't contaminate the couch with it.

  • And when I did, I heard "Michael."

  • This fart went through the wrong ass, I'm not Michael.

  • Farts can speak.

  • There is a kind of fart that says the brands of cars.

  • The kind that say, "Fiat."

  • They're so nasty. Those are the worst kind.

  • Holy Mary!

  • Ever noticed that when someone farts, it makes people angry?

  • Someone will fart and we say, "Gross. Disgusting."

  • "You're filthy, nasty, I'm angry with you!"

  • Hatred and bitterness rises up in us.

  • But when we fart, then it's funny.

  • People will say, "You're filthy, nasty."

  • "Yes, that's true.

  • Get out of my way, I'm filthy."

  • So you get angry when someone else farts.

  • There is only one person that can fart that doesn't anger you.

  • Your mother.

  • Mom farts, and we smell it quietly.

  • Mom has that thing called "superiority."

  • "I'm your mother, you shut your mouth."

  • When your mother farts...

  • And it's a rotten fart.

  • Coming from a mother, a fart can be deadly.

  • Our farts are young farts.

  • A 15-year-old fart is "Coke and burger" fart.

  • A fart of a 45-year-old lady

  • is 45 years of hate.

  • Makes your eyes sting. For God's sake!

  • That's where pink eyes comes from. A mother's fart.

  • And you cannot say anything.

  • But we're not stupid.

  • We reveal that we know.

  • Pay attention, no one's home, just the two of you.

  • You are here, your mother there, and you smell it.

  • "Mother!"

  • Only she's smarter than us.

  • You know what she does?

  • Pretends that nothing happened.

  • She knows why we're calling her name.

  • Because we're suffocating.

  • Not even a cat will want to pass by her legs.

  • How rotten is it?

  • We'll say, "Mother!" And she's like,

  • "What is it, son?"

  • If I want to get her stressed I say, "You farted!" "No, I didn't."

  • We are alone here, I say. She replies: Respect me, motherfucker!

  • She speaks with such certainty that even I believe it was me.

  • People arrive asking what's this smell? I say, "I farted."

  • We take over for our mother.

  • We forgive our mother.

  • We're not so forgiving of friends.

  • We'll both be hanging out and suddenly you smell it.

  • "Did you fart, motherfucker?"

  • It's just the two of us, and he'll be like,

  • "Me?"

  • "It's just the two of us, here.

  • Either you farted, or my ass is numb."

  • But a true friend cannot hide it.

  • Cannot hide a fart, you know why?

  • The smile.

  • The ass has a bluetooth connection with the mouth.

  • When you fart, a smile is soon to follow.

  • And if you push him, you will know who farted.

  • "Was it you who farted?" "No, it was me, really."

  • Stinks by the eyes.

  • I'm angry at the fart.

  • I have fart hate.

  • Farts and sneezes.

  • I get angry at sneezing.

  • You cannot talk to people who will sneeze,

  • because it nullifies the sneeze.

  • The person gets angry. You have to wait for her to sneeze.

  • The most ridiculous thing in the world

  • is waiting for that person to sneeze so you can then speak.

  • Notice that, the person is like...

  • It seems like they're collecting energy from the universe.

  • And you say, "Let's go there?"

  • And you get like this.

  • Already passed.

  • Isn't it annoying?

  • I hate it.

  • I hate that.

  • I hate snot. I hate it much more.

  • Because my nose is big.

  • I think my nose is always dirty.

  • So what do I do?

  • I'm always wiping my nose.

  • And when I have something...

  • Snot has to be further studied by science,

  • because it is a glue that is not normal.

  • You pick and it stretches, right?

  • Then when you go like this, it sticks onto the other finger.

  • And you spend 15 minutes playing with the snot.

  • And it will not go away.

  • We wipe it on our foot and say, "Damn it!"

  • And when you look at your hand...

  • It's back on the finger.

  • You can make a movie. The Return of the Snot.

  • So I created a technique.

  • I created a very good technique so that it won't happen again.

  • I do the following, I...

  • I do not put my finger up the nose when I'm going to clean.

  • I squeeze the nose, here.

  • I squeeze, I squeeze, I squeeze,

  • and when I get to the tip, whatever's on the tip,

  • I pick and drop.

  • My friends complain, "You do not stick your finger

  • in the nose to clean it?"

  • "When you wipe your ass, do you stick your finger in it?"

  • If it's not at the edge, then it's fine.

  • I never heard anyone ask,

  • "Are you cleaning your ass?" Then you hear...

  • It doesn't happen.

  • I've never seen anyone do that.

  • It's not like that.

  • I'm angry about that.

  • I hate to shit in other people's homes.

  • I just get nervous because I want to shit, but just not there.

  • If it's not my house, I get apprehensive.

  • Because it's hard when you shit in other people's homes,

  • it seems the dung becomes your friend.

  • It does not want to go away.

  • It stays there with you.

  • You flush it eight times.

  • Flush eight times.

  • Nothing happens. You do it once, nothing happens.

  • You do it two times, three times, you flush four times,

  • it's in the same position.

  • The position of one who is resting.

  • When it does not go down and it is like this.

  • It's resting, chilling, you know?

  • It does not leave.

  • At the ninth flush there she goes.

  • And we get like...

  • But after three seconds, it comes back.

  • Am I eating foam so that it won't go down?

  • You do not want to leave? Come back, then!

  • It drives me crazy.

  • I hate that.

  • Bad thing.

  • I don't know... Are there couples here?

  • Are there? Turn on the light in the audience.

  • There is one, and another there.

  • You in black, what's your name?

  • What? Vanderson, right?

  • Nice.

  • Vanderson!

  • And the name of your wife?

  • What?

  • Use your mouth to speak.

  • What?

  • Repeat, please.

  • Fernanda? Fernanda and Vanderson.

  • Vanderson is a keyboardist name, yes?

  • Vanderson!

  • The cover photo is Vanderson, leaning against the keyboard.

  • The background has nothing to do with anything.

  • The back cover is Fernanda, like this.

  • Very nice. How long have you been together?

  • One year?

  • One year of sorrows, right?

  • One year, very nice.

  • One year.

  • Have you already changed sanitary napkins in his house?

  • You can talk, we're all friends.

  • There's hardly anyone here. You've never?

  • When you wrap the sanitary napkin, do you leave it open or closed?

  • You can tell the truth. Closed, right? With toilet paper around to disguise.

  • That's really good, really good.

  • It's been a year, Vanderson.

  • Pretty soon, she will not be as careful anymore.

  • One day she will leave it open and you will see.

  • And you will have to be prepared, Vanderson.

  • One day I got home.

  • And I was not prepared, Vanderson.

  • When I saw that slaughter in the trash bin...

  • When I saw all that blood,

  • I thought my girlfriend fractured her vagina.

  • Fractured or injured it.

  • I didn't not know, maybe she jumped and tore...

  • Sometimes it is not stretched, right?

  • I say, this is death.

  • Death.

  • Receive her soul, Jesus.

  • After two minutes she passed by, walking. Jesus is the greatest.

  • Lost so much blood and she didn't die, maybe she's one of the X-Men.

  • I asked, "What is this?"

  • And she said, "It's blood, can't you see?"

  • "Let's do a blood donation campaign."

  • "For whom," she asked. "For you, you left all yours here."

  • "My love, it's because the absorbency is different."

  • I wanted to ask, 'cause I didn't know there were different absorbencies.

  • And the women, Vanderson,

  • when she knows that you do not understand the matter,

  • she will give you a lesson.

  • They like to call us dumb.

  • I asked, "Baby, is there a difference?"

  • "Whindersson, you're so stupid.

  • There are sanitary napkins with flaps.

  • Without flaps.

  • There are sanitary napkins with the smell of field roses."

  • I asked, "What for?

  • That does not smell like roses from the field."

  • More like field roses that have died.

  • No more roses are born in that field.

  • "Okay. So I'm going to wear a tampon."

  • And I did not know what a tampon was.

  • "But what is a tampon?" And she explained it to me.

  • "A tampon is also an absorbent.

  • It's just a little different.

  • How can I explain to you? I'll give you an example."

  • The example she gave me was, "You know what a sink is?"

  • "A sink?" "Yes, a sink.

  • When you don't want the water to drain out of the sink,

  • what do you do?"

  • "I plug the hole of the sink."

  • And she said, "Exactly."

  • We were talking about the little hole!

  • This is good, because it will help her,

  • right, Vanderson?

  • So she put the tampon in because we were going out.

  • And she put it in.

  • We went to a romantic dinner.

  • Excellent.

  • Very fine.

  • The dinner was very good and I had some spaghetti

  • in my mouth, and okay...

  • I was chewing, I think she put the fork too fast in her mouth,

  • so that the tip of the fork jabbed her mouth, just a little bit.

  • Blood came out, and she didn't tell me, Vanderson.

  • And I'm eating, peacefully,

  • all romantic.

  • Excellent. Very fine.

  • Then I decided to kiss her, so when I looked up,

  • the blood was pouring out of her mouth,

  • and I said, "The sink is full!

  • It's going to overflow!

  • Do something!"

  • I don't know, women might be disturbed, man.

  • Only women answer, yes or no,

  • would you date a man who has a beard

  • on only half of his face?

  • So why do women only shave their legs from here to here?

  • Only to the knee?

  • And you can't lay a hand on her thigh, otherwise she'll get angry.

  • "The hairs are growing."

  • She doesn't like it, man!

  • "Why do you shave only half of it?" "Because I like to dye the rest."

  • Then goes to the beach in a bikini...

  • From here to here, no hair, and from here up is Goku.

  • My grandmother was crazy.

  • She was really mad.

  • My 95-year-old grandmother wanted to ride a bike.

  • "Are you crazy?" "I'm going to ride it."

  • If you think about it, an old man, the older he gets,

  • or an old woman, the older she gets,

  • the deeper her voice gets.

  • And an old man, the older he gets, the more high-pitched his voice is.

  • Like, "Granny, what are you doing?" "Taking care of the boys."

  • Ask your grandfather, "Where is the show place?"

  • "You go this way, turn there..."

  • An old man is like that, totally different.

  • Grandma wanted to ride a bike. I told her not to, she insisted.

  • Two minutes later, she came back, pushing it,

  • with a damaged tire,

  • a purple eye,

  • three teeth missing,

  • and I said, "Granny, you fell down!"

  • "You know, my breast got caught in the wheel...

  • So I pedaled to get it out, but then the other one got caught."

  • I said, "Put them in your pocket, for God's sake."

  • Granny was deaf.

  • Granny was very deaf. Very deaf.

  • Granny was very deaf, and my grandfather, twice as much.

  • They lived alone.

  • In the countryside, where every house

  • was two miles away from each other.

  • So they just talked to each other.

  • One time I got there,

  • at my Granny's house,

  • my grandfather was on top of the house repairing a gutter,

  • moving the tiles, and I was looking at him, like a little boy.

  • And my grandmother called to my grandfather.

  • "António!

  • Are you repairing the gutter?"

  • And he said, "No, I'm repairing gutter!"

  • And she said, "Oh, okay,

  • I thought you were repairing the gutter."

  • And she left.

  • I wanted to know what it was that they heard from each other.

  • The answers were so certain.

  • Everybody is crazy in my house, my father is crazy.

  • Do we have any parents here?

  • Are you a father? What's your name?

  • Your name? Márcio?

  • My father wakes up very early.

  • My father has a problem.

  • When he wakes up, everyone must wake up with him.

  • And you ask, "What for?" "Just for the sake of waking up."

  • He does not want to do anything. What time do you wake up, Márcio?

  • What time do you wake up?

  • Six? Oh, my God!

  • When my father wakes up, the weather man

  • is still brushing his teeth.

  • Nobody can stand it. My mother is crazy.

  • My mother is crazy. My mother hates tattoos.

  • I'm full of tattoos.

  • I look like a public school chair.

  • All scratched.

  • I'm all scratched up. I went to be tattooed for the first time.

  • My mother hates tattoos. I said to her...

  • There is a moment in life.

  • There's a moment teenagers think they call the shots.

  • I got home and said, "Mother! I'm going to get a tattoo."

  • She said, "You're not my son anymore!"

  • "It's just a tattoo," I said. And she gave this excuse,

  • "My son, those who are tattooed beat their mothers."

  • My goodness, can you imagine the condition of Johnny Depp's mom?

  • She gets eight punches a day.

  • My mother is crazy. So I told her I'm getting a tattoo.

  • A little tattoo. And she said, "No!"

  • "A little one." "No!"

  • "Just tiny." "No!

  • While you live under my roof..."

  • She talks like that because we have nowhere to go.

  • "While living under my roof, you will not get a tattoo!"

  • But I left home at 16.

  • I did not live under her roof anymore.

  • I'm going to do it.

  • But one day, I'd go back home.

  • I'd go back home, and she would see it.

  • So I was in a dilemma.

  • Should I show it or hide it?

  • My brothers...

  • Nobody hides anything from your mother.

  • It's in the Bible.

  • Vanderson, Chapter 3, Verse 4.

  • Do not hide

  • anything

  • from your mother.

  • You can get a tattoo on the ass,

  • you go down to get your slippers, and she asks, "My son, what is this?"

  • She has a good eye. Especially for the shit we do.

  • But if she needs to read, she can't.

  • "I am dizzy," she says.

  • I'll do that shit and she'll find out,

  • and she is going to be angry with me.

  • You are bad and a rascal,

  • excommunicated, drugged, Guns N' Roses, all that,

  • so I will not do it.

  • But I live 800 kilometers away from my mother.

  • I live in Terezinha and she lives in Bom Jesus. I had an idea.

  • I'm going to call my mother.

  • Before getting the tattoo.

  • And I'll say I've already had it done,

  • the tattoo.

  • To see her reaction. If she gets very angry, I won't do it.

  • If she gets just a little angry, I'll do it.

  • I knew she would get angry.

  • I called her, and she asked, "What do you want?"

  • "I do not want money."

  • "So, what is it?"

  • "I got a tattoo."

  • "Mother?"

  • A minute had passed and nothing.

  • Two minutes pass and nothing, three minutes and nothing.

  • I was worried and my heart was racing.

  • I was all sweating, four minutes and nothing.

  • Five minutes without saying anything.

  • Five minutes without saying anything!

  • Calling from different operators, which is so expensive!

  • Do you understand my concern at that moment?

  • I was worried about the bonus call that was ending.

  • And I said, "Mother!" She answered, "Oh, my God."

  • "What's wrong?" "My son is a drug addict." I said, "No, I'm not.

  • I'm wearing earrings."

  • "You're wearing earrings, and a tattoo?"

  • "No, Mother." My mother is crazy.

  • My mother watches television standing up.

  • Some mothers do this...

  • Five couches without anyone.

  • You ask her to sit down and she gets angry. "No!"

  • So she walks away with the television on,

  • and I go and switch it off.

  • When I switch it off, it's like I threw a rock at her head.

  • I switch it off and she asks,

  • "Who was that?" "It was me, nobody was watching,

  • so I shut it off." "I was listening!"

  • From the other side of the house.

  • They took my grandparents' hearing and put it on her.

  • She can be in Japan.

  • I drop the remote, and her voice comes from Japan,

  • "You broke it!"

  • Out of the blue.

  • "Don't you know how expensive it is?"

  • "No, I don't. It comes with the television."

  • How would I know, crazy? Crazy person.

  • We can only take friends home that our mother knows.

  • Usually she knows three.

  • We can have five thousand friends but she only knows three.

  • Usually we are not even friends with the people she knows.

  • She knows the name, knows his father, his mother, and besides those three,

  • any friend you take to your house,

  • your mother gets very suspicious about.

  • Very suspicious. "Mom, meet my friend Barack Obama."

  • "How are you, Obama?"

  • "Okay."

  • "Wearing earrings, Obama?"

  • I won't say anything.

  • She looks at your friend for 15 seconds and it's like this.

  • "Son, come here."

  • The poor innocent boy didn't even ask for water.

  • She asks, "Who's he?"

  • "He's a friend of mine."

  • She says, "That's funny, but I don't know that boy.

  • I have for myself that he is involved in drugs."

  • I have for myself? What the hell is "I have for myself"?

  • If you have it, it's yours already.

  • There are two things that I will never understand.

  • One is "I have for myself,"

  • and the other is when she is going to tell me

  • about a dream she recently had,

  • she says that, "It said..."

  • She says, "Whindersson, I dreamed,

  • and it said that I had a knife."

  • I ask, "Who said that?"

  • "It said that I got to the car, but..."

  • "Who said?

  • Is there a narrator in your dream?"

  • It said... She's crazy.

  • They are crazy. There is a phrase that doesn't leave your mother's mouth.

  • "These boys will drive me crazy someday."

  • No, we won't.

  • You know who goes crazy? She does, herself.

  • Mothers go crazy like this, by themselves.

  • She does not need kids to be crazy.

  • I'll give you a small example.

  • You are having lunch, normally.

  • Around noon, while you're eating,

  • she is doing the dishes,

  • and while she is doing the dishes,

  • she talks to another mother, inside of her head.

  • And starts going crazy on her own.

  • I'm eating and she's doing the dishes, like this.

  • "Some wash.

  • Others eat. You're only good when eating!

  • When I'm finished, he comes with the plate,

  • and puts it here, for the royal donkey to wash.

  • Yeah.

  • You think I'm your maid.

  • You'll appreciate me when I die."

  • Apart from the things she says alone,

  • she gets angry at what she thinks.

  • She'll talk to you.

  • And you know nothing of what she actually thought.

  • She gets mad about anything. She'll go like this.

  • "Hey, you!

  • I'm not going to buy anything else."

  • And then she leaves, goes away.

  • "The guests come, I have nothing to offer.

  • You ate everything.

  • I do not have children. I have dogs."

  • That hurts, man.

  • It hurts because it's true.

  • If they let us, we'll even eat the chairs.

  • The child has an evil.

  • The child is born with an evil named "Knowing what we have."

  • When I was a boy, eight years old,

  • I could not sleep just thinking

  • of the powdered milk on top of the cupboard.

  • I couldn't.

  • I'd toss and turn in bed, I couldn't help it.

  • I wanted to sleep,

  • but also wanted the powdered milk to pour into my mouth,

  • and then spend the night just tasting it with my finger.

  • Sometimes I would forget, and clean my ears,

  • and then put my finger in my mouth.

  • Oh! That horrible taste...

  • Ear wax is a horrible thing. Holy Mary.

  • But kids like it and they won't stop until it's gone.

  • Until it's gone.

  • One day my mother came home.

  • One day my mother came home with a bottle of soda.

  • I did not even look at her.

  • For me, it was just a bottle of soda floating at home.

  • I was just following the soda.

  • And I start to itch all over.

  • She put the soda on the table.

  • I asked the question, like all children do,

  • "We'll open it now, right?"

  • "No!"

  • "Can you give me a little?" "No!"

  • When the child doesn't get what they want,

  • they speak very slowly to see if the mother gives up.

  • They'll look at Mom and do this...

  • "Just a little..." "No!"

  • "You're mean..." "No!"

  • And then start the options. "In the cup?" "No!"

  • "In the cover?" "No!" "In my hand?" "No!"

  • Didn't work. But quitting is not an option.

  • When a child cannot get what he wants he starts talking nonsense.

  • My mother sat outside and I stood beside her.

  • "It's very hot.

  • I think I'm thirsty.

  • But not 'water thirsty.'

  • My shorts are black.

  • The same color of that thing I saw in there.

  • In the refrigerator.

  • I want something with gas."

  • "The gas bottle is under the sink. You can pick it up."

  • Didn't work. Didn't work.

  • But when she gave it to me, I gave it back my way.

  • In a bad way.

  • My mother would give me a soda

  • and I would drink it at the door of the house.

  • Make other street kids jealous.

  • The boys would be playing and I would do this.

  • "Someone likes Coke? Well, you don't get any."

  • Boys are bad. Children are bad.

  • Have you seen a child when he earns 25 cents?

  • What does he do?

  • Buy something? No. Keep it? No.

  • Spends all day with the money in hand,

  • and shows all human beings who pass by.

  • He even sings. "You don't have...

  • My father gave it to me.

  • I took it out of his pocket."

  • Makes magic.

  • You may be late to catch a plane to Japan.

  • It might be a job interview, but he will stop you.

  • To show you a magic trick he does.

  • You're in a hurry, but he calls you.

  • You know what happens then?

  • He loses the money.

  • He's really bad.

  • There is only one person worse than this child.

  • The mother of that child.

  • She learned from someone.

  • Is there any mother there?

  • Is there a mother here? What is your name?

  • Etiland?

  • Stop kidding.

  • Etiland?

  • Let's go to Disney? No. We're going to Eti.

  • Disney is out of my budget.

  • I'll stay right here in Baía with Etiland.

  • How are you, Etiland? Etiland, right?

  • Etiland. Very good. Etiland.

  • Old person's name, Etiland.

  • When you ask, "What is your grandmother's name?"

  • you never hear, "Kathleen."

  • Etiland, Raimunda, Peda, names like that. Rosemeire.

  • Etiland, there are only two types of mother on Earth.

  • Two. The mother of the rich and the mother of the poor.

  • The difference is the way of educating their children.

  • What does the rich kid mother do when the child starts running?

  • She asks someone to go get the child so he does not get hurt.

  • "Come on, Jarrod, please." No way, right?

  • For God's sake, no way.

  • What does the poor mother do when the child starts running?

  • She calls someone over to see her son fall.

  • The boy starts running and she calls someone to watch.

  • "Come here next to me.

  • Look at where he is."

  • And the other says, "Go get him then!"

  • "Pay attention, you silly. You're going to miss it!"

  • When the boy falls, she says, "Didn't I tell you?

  • This child is the devil!"

  • She lets the boy fall down.

  • When the rich boy falls, it's a different story.

  • Mom runs over fast to help him.

  • "Come on, Jarrod.

  • Where are your manners?

  • I can't believe it, Jarrod."

  • It's such a beautiful thing. It looks like a movie.

  • If the poor boy falls a mile away from his mother,

  • she huffs all the way over.

  • The boy falls down and she comes like this.

  • "You're a disgrace. You fell, already, Whindersson?"

  • Holy Mary.

  • The crying of children is different.

  • The rich boy, when he hits his head on the floor and cries,

  • it's beautiful.

  • It's as if he is in The Voice Brazil.

  • The rich boy falls and it's like...

  • Makes me want to record an MP3 and send it to Spotify.

  • It's beautiful, it sounds good.

  • Poor boy hits his head and nobody knows if it's a boy crying

  • or if it's an ambulance approaching.

  • The way he falls...

  • The cars pull over to the side, giving way to him.

  • It's bad.

  • And there's more.

  • The crying of poor children is all the same.

  • One cries, and all the mothers come outside.

  • "Is it mine?"

  • "That is not mine, mine has snot.

  • Leave it on the ground if it's not mine.

  • Etiland, go get it."

  • I don't know, Etiland.

  • One thing I find interesting about the rich boy, and I like it.

  • There are two good sides. Actually, one good and one bad.

  • What's wrong?

  • You already know the jokes, you're laughing before I tell them?

  • There's one thing I do not like in rich boys.

  • When I was a child, I wasn't aware of many things.

  • When I saw a rich boy denying food, I'd get angry.

  • We'd offer them a yogurt and they'd say, "I don't want it."

  • "Then give it to me!

  • Give me that. I'll even eat the plastic."

  • Sometimes...

  • What I like about rich boys is that they are direct.

  • When he falls down, he cries.

  • The rich boy falls and cries to warn that he fell.

  • And the mother comes to take care of the boy.

  • The rich boy falls and cries to warn. The poor boy doesn't.

  • When the poor boy falls, he does not realize what happened.

  • He thinks, "How come? I was standing and now I'm on the ground?"

  • He has a delay.

  • He's all like, "You can't catch me!"

  • Then he smiles, in a way nobody knows if he's laughing or crying.

  • "It was because of this rock here.

  • I don't want to play anymore.

  • It's not because I fell down, I'm just tired!"

  • So he cries.

  • It takes time.

  • It takes time to realize what happened.

  • Wow, Whindersson...

  • I want to shit... Etiland.

  • When my mother goes out to work,

  • usually in a poor house,

  • when mother goes to work, each child has his duty.

  • It is a mission that the mother gives to each one.

  • This work is performed according to the age.

  • The older you get, the harder the task is.

  • "You're going to wash,

  • you will clean and you will arrange."

  • It's like a small business.

  • When she goes out, the house is dirty. When she's back, it's clean.

  • But there is a more important task than the others,

  • which is to fill the water bottles in the fridge.

  • This disgrace was always my duty.

  • I'd get angry because this task was easy.

  • So we'd take it for granted, it's not like sweeping the house.

  • Those who sweep the house know how hard it is.

  • And you know what time it starts and at what time it ends.

  • The one who fills the bottles is there doing nothing,

  • while others are sweeping and cleaning.

  • "Whindersson, go fill your bottles." "Shut up, keep sweeping."

  • My mother warned me that we were going to fight.

  • My mother warned me about five times.

  • And she didn't warn me like you see in the movies.

  • "My son, fill the bottles please, so we can have fresh water to drink.

  • Go, my son, go."

  • No.

  • My mother used to tell me, "Whindersson,

  • how many bottles are there?

  • Four, right?

  • Oh, Whindersson.

  • Don't make me break your neck when I get home.

  • I'm going to work now.

  • I will not tell you anything else."

  • She would leave, and frighten me so much

  • that I would get to work immediately.

  • But when my friends saw that my mother was going to work,

  • they would call me over, because they were afraid of her.

  • My mother would pierce the balls that fell in the yard.

  • I have so many friends who want my mother's death,

  • you can't even imagine.

  • They were afraid of my mother and when she left,

  • they came to the gate.

  • And when I went to fill the bottles, they knocked on the gate.

  • When I opened it, it was like a vision of hell.

  • Those boys were so ugly!

  • Nature was not very friendly with these boys.

  • They came from the worst sperm in my city.

  • Holy Mary!

  • They were just ugly things, even their names.

  • Their nicknames. Turnstile,

  • Placenta, Vanderson, all ugly names.

  • I did not know, I swear I did not know how to deal with those boys,

  • they were all crooked.

  • Arms and legs.

  • All groups of friends have a leader.

  • A leader.

  • And the boy came and talked to me, all crooked.

  • "Hey, sucker.

  • Let's play?"

  • I said, "Yes.

  • Play what?" "You choose."

  • Do you know Street Baseball?

  • There are other names for it, like Stick in a Can,

  • Taco, Takiball, and some others.

  • I'll explain. Two cans of soybean oil,

  • from Etiland's time.

  • One here, another there.

  • In front of the can... It's windy.

  • In front of the can we have a stick.

  • A stick that we found and split in two.

  • Behind the can, a person with a ball, to knock out the other can.

  • And whoever with the stick goes like this.

  • I was the one with the ball.

  • I had good aim.

  • It was amazing, I did not miss anything.

  • I was like the Neymar of Street Baseball.

  • I was excellent.

  • I played hard.

  • I was always messing with those guys

  • who wear Beats headphones and walk funny.

  • I liked playing with them.

  • But there was a different boy.

  • Pretty, blonde, maybe not my friend...

  • Pink feet,

  • so definitely not my friend.

  • My friends' feet were gray.

  • There was no moisturizing cream that was able to treat those feet.

  • Holy Mary!

  • The boys with gray feet and sandals.

  • He'd stomp his feet and there'd be a light.

  • "What's that? A transformer?"

  • I thought, that's nice. The boy wants to watch.

  • He grabbed the stick.

  • He got the stick and I asked, "Are you challenging me?"

  • He took the stick and looked at me,

  • so I filled my heart with hate.

  • I'll show this Mongoloid how to play this.

  • This is my expertise.

  • I took the ball and with all the strength I had,

  • I threw the ball at 350 miles Fahrenheit,

  • and I said, "Catch it."

  • My friends,

  • sometimes God lets us be the best.

  • God lets us think we are the best.

  • Later, when we are so high in the sky, he shows us there's someone better.

  • I threw that ball so well,

  • so precisely,

  • with such power...

  • This boy hit it,

  • so rudely,

  • so assertively, that it was like the Earth was in slow motion to me.

  • I threw the ball and he went like this.

  • I looked at my friends and they were all like this.

  • I looked at the leaves of the trees falling,

  • and they were falling like...

  • There was a woman skateboarding.

  • When he hit it...

  • Her shoe had a nail that made sparks,

  • it was like Back to the Future.

  • And her hair was like...

  • Very beautiful, and everything in slow motion.

  • An old man was passing by, at his normal speed.

  • And when the ball came, I said, "This is mine."

  • I was going to catch it, I felt it at the tips of my fingers.

  • Only it kept going up...

  • And it went up and up and up, and when it disappeared,

  • I looked at the street and my mother was coming home.

  • I remembered the bottles.

  • I looked behind and there was nobody.

  • Where are the cans and sticks?

  • I took my shoes to play, and now where are they?

  • Etiland, I was alone.

  • Abandoned and without friends.

  • I did not fill any bottles,

  • and when I was ten,

  • that was the first time I talked to Jesus.

  • I swear, I looked up and said, "Jesus,

  • Jesus?

  • You know that your father is my father, too?

  • Help me, please!"

  • Etiland, right away.

  • It was immediate, my mother stopped the motorcycle.

  • Started talking to her friend, and I said, "Thank you, Jesus.

  • You are really Jesus, aren't you?

  • Blessed children.

  • A thousand bottles will fall to your left,

  • a million to your right."

  • Nothing's going to happen. I went very slow.

  • Put the light here for me. I went very slowly,

  • leaning against the wall so she did not see me.

  • So I passed behind the bike,

  • but when I was behind my mother, her friend saw me.

  • "Shut up!"

  • I stood behind my mother like this.

  • "I'm very dangerous."

  • I arrived at the gate and they kept talking.

  • I got behind the gate.

  • The gate had not been oiled in 15 years.

  • My mother's name is Valdenisse.

  • I move one centimeter,

  • and I almost heard my mother's name.

  • I pulled and it was, Valdenisse!

  • I waited a little while to disguise myself.

  • After ten seconds, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

  • I hope it's Jesus.

  • I will not miss an opportunity to see Jesus, but when I looked,

  • the nails were painted, and Jesus does not paint his nails.

  • I looked up and it was my mother.

  • I froze inside.

  • I got up and tried to hide my fear.

  • I was confident.

  • I entered slowly and on guard.

  • I went through the gate and started to close it.

  • And when I closed it, my mother said, "We'll talk inside."

  • I was really frightened, Etiland.

  • Because the worst part is not someone hitting us.

  • The worst part is knowing that it will happen soon.

  • We start thinking about things.

  • Who is your daughter, Etiland?

  • She is there by your side. Did you ever hit her?

  • Hard or light?

  • Light, right?

  • My mother beat me light, too.

  • My spine is slightly crooked, I saw in the X-ray.

  • But it's really light. Like six inches.

  • Sometimes it's good to be beaten.

  • Not for the person doing the beating, but for the person being beat up.

  • Etiland, the beating is the payment of a debt.

  • Payment of a debt. Think about it.

  • For example, you just now beat your daughter,

  • but after one minute she is already playing and smiling.

  • The beating is the payment of a debt. When you break a dish,

  • you owe your mother.

  • When you get beat up,

  • you then owe her nothing.

  • That's why she plays and smiles.

  • There is a difference between crying before the spanking,

  • and then after spanking.

  • The crying before the beating

  • is a sort of staging that even the best actor in the world can do.

  • When my mother came in and asked about the bottles,

  • I was like...

  • "What is that?" "Are you going to hit me?"

  • "Whindersson, come here." "No!"

  • I hid myself in a corner and when mother came to pick me up,

  • she brought me to the middle of the room.

  • She was pulling me the whole way, and I was like, "No!

  • No!"

  • Then she stopped and did this.

  • "It didn't hurt, I'm leaving.

  • I'm going away."

  • Very nice, Etiland.

  • There was nothing for me.

  • Have you ever slapped in syllables?

  • You take them by the arm and you say,

  • "You-will-learn-how-to-..." Have you ever?

  • My mother hit me so hard that I cried in syllables.

  • What was it? "My mom hit me!"

  • And the poor boy when he stops crying, it's like he is starting a motorcycle.

  • "My-mother-hit-me..."

  • You can ride him to Piauí at 120 miles per hour.

  • A child is not ashamed.

  • I was not ashamed and I was dumb.

  • I'd say, "Hey Mom!

  • Tomorrow I went to school."

  • "It's not tomorrow, it's yesterday." "No, yesterday I'll go, too."

  • I changed things. It was dumb.

  • Etiland, one day I was caught jerking off.

  • Don't laugh, it's no joke, I didn't have anything to do.

  • I had no entertainment. Yogurt, crackers...

  • A video game... I had nothing.

  • Damn child.

  • The boy is damned but the girl is not.

  • Until she reaches age 13, when she discovers someone likes her.

  • Then she gets disgusted.

  • Angry. But a three-year-old boy,

  • he's going to piss like this.

  • He knows where the fun is. He's not stupid.

  • He measures it, with his friends.

  • "Mine is two inches."

  • "And mine is three!"

  • Children are different.

  • They're innocent, not like adults. Adults are smart.

  • Adults are very smart.

  • Have you ever seen an adult watching porn?

  • He watches, but he knows someone can come at any time.

  • He gets like this.

  • Ever watched a child watch porn? It's like this.

  • He picks it up,

  • and sees if it's seasoned.

  • It's very good...

  • It's good.

  • It's a good smell.

  • If the father catches him, he doesn't notice it.

  • He does not see that someone is behind him.

  • When the father sees the boy, he helps him.

  • He has been through this, Etiland.

  • He's having a blast.

  • "I'm going to drink some water." And the boy sees him.

  • Changes the channel and turns up the volume.

  • With the mother, it is not like that. It's like a bomb.

  • "What are you doing?"

  • The boy gets scared and his penis goes up his ass.

  • He has to squat to take a piss.

  • It's so bad!

  • It's hard.

  • Isn't it, Vanderson?

  • It's hard, man.

  • The day I got caught, it was strange.

  • I was smarter back then and I would place my finger

  • on the channel button.

  • I had nothing to do.

  • It was midnight,

  • parents were sleeping,

  • I turned on the TV.

  • Ciné Privé.

  • I was ready. My finger on the button.

  • If I was cockeyed, it would be better.

  • An eye on the television and on the door.

  • No one ever caught Luan Santana.

  • And it was all nice,

  • just chilling,

  • the smell.

  • My mother's voice came from the floor.

  • I heard my mother's voice.

  • The one when she catches you, you know?

  • It starts pitching up...

  • "What is that!" And I pushed the button.

  • I changed to the Universal Church.

  • "What are you doing?" "I'm attending church!"

  • "Attending church?"

  • "No, I'm learning sign language."

  • "You're not learning anything, you bum. Get out!"

  • I went to my room angry.

  • Wanted to break everything.

  • But I couldn't, or I'd get beat up. I get to my bedroom and go like,

  • "This room is mine. Mine!"

  • I took my computer, "Mine.

  • Mother bought it, but gave it to me. It's mine."

  • I got my headphones,

  • put them in my ears,

  • got onto my site,

  • www.xvideos.br.

  • It was almost mine. I'd watched them all.

  • I always look for movies of dudes with smaller cocks than mine,

  • so I won't get embarrassed.

  • So I searched, "Vanderson...

  • Vanderson with little people."

  • But I won't play it on volume 1. I put it up to 50.

  • No problem because I have the headphones.

  • No, lets put it on 80.

  • So, 80. No, 90.

  • Well, just only 10 more...

  • We'll do 100. Max volume.

  • It was late in the night.

  • No one was awake. In the entire world.

  • That silence.

  • The middle of night silence,

  • which makes you jump when your bones crack.

  • You go to drink some water and your bones crack.

  • I pressed play and it started, and only on the headphones...

  • Only on the headphones without disturbing anyone.

  • In the middle of the night, without anyone awake, full silence.

  • And on the phones...

  • And Vanderson with the little people.

  • Sometimes it was like...

  • I turned in bed,

  • and the headphones unplugged from the notebook.

  • It echoed all over the town.

  • Just picture it. It was like this...

  • "Oh, yes! No!

  • No! No!"

  • Oh, my brother!

  • You wouldn't believe it. It was very serious.

  • Very serious.

  • I closed the notebook so fast,

  • that Windows XP turned into Windows 8.

  • But it kept going, closing it didn't turn it off.

  • "Shit. This is bad."

  • My mother is a light sleeper.

  • "This is bad.

  • This is bad, shit.

  • I'll just pretend to be sleeping.

  • I'll pretend to be sleeping for a long time."

  • After 15 seconds the door opened...

  • And I was like...

  • My mother just said,

  • "Whinds?"

  • So I pretended that I was sleeping.

  • So she screamed, "Whinds!"

  • So I pretended that I was really just waking up.

  • "Whinds, did you hear anything?"

  • So I got a hold of myself.

  • I swear I looked at her and said,

  • "What noise?

  • You're going crazy, go to sleep."

  • And she did.

  • It's very easy to fool my mother.

  • It's all okay to her.

  • It's true. She thinks it's a spirit.

  • It's just a spirit.

  • "Did you go into the kitchen yesterday?

  • I thought it was a ghost.

  • I heard a noise in the sink."

  • "And the ghost would come from heaven to wash the dishes?

  • You're crazy."

  • I was a bad ass when I was a child.

  • Very bad. I was running a lot. Children love to run.

  • Children make friends while running, you know?

  • It takes only 30 seconds for a child to find 98 friends.

  • Without even knowing their names.

  • I don't how it is.

  • Someone passes by, and he just goes with him.

  • Then comes back and says,

  • "Look, Mom, this is my long-time friend."

  • "What's his name?" "What's your name?"

  • Then he gets to know him.

  • But there is a great phenomenon called "missing leg."

  • Sometimes a child runs...

  • He runs so much that his chest passes his legs.

  • And the legs try to keep up with the chest.

  • Sometimes you're talking to a friend and a boy passes like this...

  • And you can't stop him.

  • You can only presume where he will fall.

  • Once I ran a lot because I was having class in the morning.

  • My class ended at 11:40 and Dragon Ball ended at noon.

  • On these days I had to run.

  • I ran like there was no tomorrow.

  • I ran like...

  • A marathon runner at the finish line,

  • trying to get a ribbon.

  • I really ran. I flew.

  • When I was near home, my legs were missing.

  • It's complicated to walk around with a school backpack.

  • And the backpack flaps.

  • The first mortal leap of a child is with a backpack.

  • "I'll just tie my shoes."

  • It's the first mortal leap for that kid.

  • And I was coming like...

  • And when I was missing my legs, I was in front of the house.

  • So many places in the world for me to fall,

  • and I fell in front of my mother. She is going to help me, I thought.

  • No way.

  • I was picking myself up,

  • and my mother was coming. She stopped at the door.

  • Stopped at the door.

  • There are three things I'm afraid my mother will say.

  • "When we get home, we'll talk."

  • Especially when she grabs my arm and speaks without moving her lips.

  • Sometimes I'd be running at a birthday party,

  • and everything's all good.

  • And I run into someone, who drops all the glasses...

  • We stare at that beautiful cake, right?

  • Then they hide the cake,

  • then bring the cake back wrapped in foil.

  • That's bad, so you throw it on the floor.

  • Your mother pulls you by the arm,

  • "When we get home, we'll talk."

  • She still looks at her friend and says hello.

  • She's pulling me, and I know my life is over.

  • The second thing is,

  • "When your father gets home, you will see."

  • After one minute, you call your dad.

  • "Dad?

  • Where are you?

  • What time will you arrive?

  • Did Mom talk to you yet?

  • Oh, it's nothing.

  • When she calls again, don't answer.

  • Okay. Dad,

  • I love you."

  • To try to escape the scolding.

  • The third thing I'm afraid of is not a sentence, it's a verb.

  • It's when my mother says, by the door, "Get in."

  • "My mother will beat me."

  • My mother was so cynical with a belt in her hand.

  • She'd say, "I'm not going to beat you. Get in."

  • And I'd say, "Put down the belt!"

  • "Get in." I didn't trust her.

  • I named my mother Yu-Gi-Oh.

  • When she lost the belt,

  • the shoe was already in defense mode.

  • With Mom, it didn't work. I had to get in.

  • What could I do? I lived there.

  • So I was preparing to go in.

  • I was running, with replay.

  • And now, for the first time in São Salvador,

  • in slow motion, the same scene,

  • but now in super slow motion.

  • All the details you missed with the naked eye.

  • I was looking at my mom.

  • As I got in, I was celebrating.

  • There was my father, and he said, "Look back!"

  • When I looked, there was the belt...

  • It didn't work.

  • And my mother,

  • she was like Megazord.

  • Megazord strikes and makes a pose.

  • It was like my mom.

  • Sometimes she would let me pass,

  • and was like, "My God..."

  • Just exploded.

  • It was beautiful.

  • My mom.

  • My mom was great.

  • You either hit or got hit too much.

  • That's okay. You paid, you're going to laugh until you die.

  • Some people are just like that. They pay 70 bucks and...

  • "Chair!" "Ah, chair!"

  • Laugh, my friend. Laugh.

  • It's a good thing to smile.

  • When I was young, I didn't like English.

  • I thought people were making fun of me.

  • I thought people were making fun of me. They'd say, "How are you?"

  • "Are you is your mama, that bitch."

  • I didn't like it.

  • No one can sing in English. We say we know, but we don't.

  • Who has already tried this?

  • Right? It's the most beautiful English in the world.

  • It's very nice to sing like that.

  • And we only know the chorus.

  • The "no" we know, right?

  • But the...

  • We don't know that.

  • Thank you very much, Salvador!

  • See you next time!

  • May God bless you all!

  • Have a safe trip home, Salvador!

  • Let's make this a nice photo.

  • On the count of three, now.

  • Everybody put your hands up!

  • People from Salvador!

  • Thank you Salvador! We're together!

  • God bless you all! This rocked!

  • Bye, Salvador!

  • We're together!

  • We're together!

Presenting the Internet phenomenon,

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A2 初級

WHINDERSSON NUNES in MARMINO (Show COMPLETE) (WHINDERSSON NUNES em MARMININO (SHOW COMPLETO))

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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