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  • HAPPY HUMP DAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

  • WELCOME, TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • THE EXCITEMENT IN THE AIR.

  • EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'S DAY TWO OF DONALD TRUMP'S SENATE

  • IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

  • AND IF McCONNELL HAS HIS WAY, IT'LL GO JUST LIKE TRUMP'S

  • DATING CAREER: QUICK AND DISAPPOINTING, AND NO QUESTIONS

  • ASKED.

  • ALSO, I WOULD LIKE $130,000 TO FORGET I EVER MET HIM.

  • AND I WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND GIANT

  • IMPEACH."

  • >> HE'S SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> Stephen: ONCE AGAIN, THE LEAD MANAGER OF THE CASE TODAY WAS

  • ADAM SCHIFF.

  • IT WAS GRATIFYING TO SEE SOMEONE TAKING THE CONSTITUTIONAL

  • RESPONSIBILITY OF THEIR OFFICE SERIOUSLY.

  • HE LAID OUT THE CASE AGAINST THE PRESIDENT CLEARLY, PASSIONATELY,

  • COVERAGENTLY, AND, I BELIEVE, COURAGEOUSLY.

  • BECAUSE WHETHER OR NOT PRESIDENT TRUMP IS REMOVED FROM OFFICE,

  • HISTORY WILL NOT FORGIVE THOSE WHO LOOKED THE OTHER WAY AT HIS

  • ABUSES OR FORGET THOSE WHO STEPPED IN THE BREACH AT THIS

  • MOMENT OF CRISIS.

  • SO, NO SURPRISE, THE NUMBER-ONE TRENDING TOPIC ON TWITTER WAS

  • MR. PEANUT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) EVIDENTLY, HE DIED.

  • OKAY, OKAY, BUT NUMBER TWO WAS GRITTY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE DOOMED.

  • NUMBER THREE WAS THE TRIAL.

  • SCHIFF WAS READY EVEN BEFORE THE TRIAL STARTED.

  • THERE WAS A RUMOR CIRCULATING THAT REPUBLICANS WOULD ALLOW

  • DEMOCRATS TO CALL JOHN BOLTON AS A WITNESS IF THEY COULD CALL

  • JOE BIDEN.

  • BUT SCHIFF SHOT THAT IDEA DOWN.

  • >> TRIALS AREN'T TRADES FOR WITNESSES.

  • THIS ISN'T LIKE SOME FANTASY FOOTBALL TRADE.

  • >> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.

  • THE SENATE TRIAL ISN'T LIKE FANTASY FOOTBALL.

  • FOR ONE THING, IF YOU START TALKING ABOUT THE SENATE TRIAL,

  • I WON'T LEAVE THE ROOM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AT 1:00, SCHIFF TOOK TO THE WELL

  • OF THE SENATE AND PLAYED THE HITS:

  • >> PRESIDENT TRUMP RESPONDED BY SAYING, "I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO

  • US A FAVOR, THOUGH."

  • THE SO-CALLED THREE AMIGOS.

  • EVERYONE WAS IN THE LOOP.

  • >> Stephen: WOO!

  • DO QUID PRO QUO!

  • WOO!

  • DO DRUG DEAL!

  • WOO!

  • ( APPLAUSE ) SCHIFF STOOD THERE TODAY IN

  • FRONT OF HIS AUDIENCE DISCUSSING THE PRESIDENT'S CORRUPTION AND

  • INCOMPETENCE USING GRAPHICS, AUDIO, AND VIDEO OF WITNESSES,

  • EVEN CLIPS OF TRUMP INCRIMINATING HIMSELF.

  • HEY, SCHIFF.

  • YOU'RE TREADING ON MY TURF.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IF I FIND OUT YOU'VE GOT A HOUSE

  • BAND, I'M SUING.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SCHIFF LAID OUT HIS PREMISE

  • CLEARLY AND PASSIONATELY.

  • >> THE ONLY CONCLUSION CONSISTENT WITH THE FACTS OF

  • LAW-- NOT JUST THE LAW, BUT THE CONSTITUTION-- IS CLEAR.

  • IF THIS CONDUCT IS NOT IMPEACHABLE, THEN NOTHING IS.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "REALLY, NOTHING?

  • WOO-HOO!

  • CORRUPTION PARTY AT MY PLACE!

  • FIRST ONE THERE GETS TO REPLACE LINCOLN ON THE FIVE!"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, YOU COULDN'T HELP--

  • ( APPLAUSE ) YOU COULD NOT HELP--

  • >> Jon: ABRAHAM.

  • >> Stephen: YOU COULDN'T HELP BUT BE MOVED BY THE HISTORIC

  • NATURE OF THE EVENT, UNLESS YOU WERE SENATOR RAND PAUL, BECAUSE

  • ACCORDING TO ONE REPORTER, EVERY FEW MINUTES, RAND PAUL KEEPS

  • FLIPPING THROUGH HIS NOTEBOOK TO DO BITS OF A CROSSWORD.

  • LET'S SEE HERE, LET'S SEE HERE...

  • "SACKLESS TRUMP TOADY...

  • EIGHT LETTERS"...

  • OH! 'RAND PAUL'!" THERE YOU GO.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • I DO HAVE A PEN.

  • I DO HAVE A PEN.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) WHILE THE TRIAL WAS MOSTLY FULL

  • OF MATERIAL WE'VE HEARD BEFORE, THERE WAS SOME BREAKING NEWS.

  • OUR OWN CBS NEWS REPORTER GRACE SEGERS REPORTED THE SCOOP.

  • "TOM COTTON HAS MILK!

  • THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

  • HE HAS A GLASS, IN ADDITION TO HIS GLASS OF WATER.

  • HE IS THE FIRST SENATOR I'VE SEEN TO REQUEST AND GET MILK.

  • I REPEAT, TOM COTTON HAS MILK!" WOW!

  • YOU KNOW THAT MUST HAVE PISSED OFF BERNIE.

  • ( AS BERNIE ) "TOM COTTON'S MILK MUST BE

  • EVENLY DISTRIBUTED THROUGH THE SENATE.

  • RIGHT NOW, 1% OF THE SENATORS HAVE 100% OF THE 2%!"

  • "IT'S A SHAME, IT'S A CHANDA."

  • YESTERDAY, THE TRIAL WENT UNTIL NEARLY 2:00 A.M.

  • THAT IS LATE!

  • CAN WE SEE HOW IT ENDED?

  • >> I ASK UNANIMOUS CONSENT THAT THE TRIAL ADJOURN UNTIL

  • 1:00 P.M. WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22.

  • AND THAT THIS ORDER ALSO CONSTITUTE THE ADJOURNMENT OF

  • THE SENATE.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> WITHOUT OBJECTION, SO

  • ORDERED.

  • THE SENATE IS ADJOURNED.

  • CLOSING TIME OPEN ALL THE DOORS... ♪

  • >> Stephen: ANYTIME ANYTHING ENDS AT 2:00 A.M., YOU LEGALLY

  • HAVE TO PLAY THAT SONG.

  • >> IT WAS PARTICULAR LIE TOUGH FOR CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN

  • ROBERTSES.

  • HE HAD TO BE BACK AT THE SUPREME COURT AT 10 A.M.

  • ( AS JOHN ROBERTS ) "OKAY, WHAT'S UP, BREYER?

  • SO, WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

  • YEAH, YEAH, GUNS ARE LEGAL, CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE.

  • PLEASE DON'T ARGUE SO LOUD.

  • GINSBERG, CAN I REST MY HEAD ON YOUR DOILY?"

  • CHUCK SCHUMER KEPT PROPOSING AMENDMENTS.

  • MITCH McCCONNELL KEPT TABLING THOSE AMMENDMENTS BY PARTY LINE

  • VOTES. REPUBLICANS REJECTED SEEING RECORDS FROM THE WHITE

  • HOUSE, EVIDENCE FROM THE STATE DEPARTMENT, DOCUMENTS FROM THE

  • OFFICE OF MANAGEMENT AND BUDGET, DEFENSE DEPARTMENT DOCUMENTS,

  • AND SUBPOENAS FOR TESTIMONY FROM JOHN BOLTON AND MICK MULVANEY.

  • OH, COME ON!

  • WHY ARE YOU REJECTING ALL INFORMATION?

  • AREN'T YOU AT LEAST A BIT CURIOUS ABOUT ALL THE CRAZY

  • ( BLEEP ) STUFF TRUMP DID?

  • YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

  • JUST VOTE TO FIND OUT WHAT IT WAS.

  • EVERYBODY WANTS TO FIND OUT THEIR BOSS' SECRETS.

  • TAKE IT FROM ME.

  • YOU DON'T WANT TO LEARN IT FROM A RONAN FARROW ARTICLE.

  • SO IT WAS NO SURPRISE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • YOU DON'T.

  • >> Jon: YOU DON'T WANT THAT!

  • COME ON, NOW?

  • >> Stephen: YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

  • SO IT WAS NO SURPRISE THAT THINGS GOT A LITTLE TESTY

  • BETWEEN THE DEMOCRATIC IMPEACHMENT MANAGERS AND TRUMP'S

  • LAWYERS, STARTING WHEN JERRY NADLER WENT OFF ON THE TRUMP

  • TEAM'S CONSTANT LIES.

  • >> I'M STRUCK BY WHAT WE HAVE HEARD FROM THE PRESIDENT'S

  • COUNSEL SO FAR TONIGHT.

  • THEY LIE, AND LIE, AND LIE, AND LIE.

  • >> Stephen: THEY LIE, AND LIE, AND LIE, AND LIE.

  • THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY ACCURATE.

  • THEY ALSO LIE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THOSE ACCUSATIONS OUTRAGED

  • TRUMP LAWYER AND MAN STARING AT YOU FROM ACROSS THE PRODUCE

  • AISLE, PAT CIPOLLONE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) CIPPILONE HAD ENOUGH OF THE

  • DEMOCRATS' BRAZEN CALLS FOR EVIDENCE.

  • >> IT'S ABOUT TIME WE BRING THIS POWER TRIP IN FOR A LANDING.

  • IT'S A FARCE, AND IT SHOULD END.

  • MR. NADLER, YOU OWE AN APOLOGY TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

  • STATES AND HIS FAMILY.

  • ( AS CIPPOLONE ) "YES, YES, AND WHILE YOU'RE AT

  • IT, COULD YOU ALSO APOLOGIZE TO THE PRESIDENT'S PREVIOUS FAMILY?

  • AND THE ONE BEFORE THAT?

  • THEY'RE ALL STILL WAITING."

  • ( APPLAUSE ) PLEASE?

  • FINALLY, CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS STEPPED IN TO CALL FOR ORDER.

  • >> I THINK IT IS APPROPRIATE AT THIS POINT FOR ME TO ADMONISH

  • BOTH THE HOUSE MANAGERS AND THE PRESIDENT'S COUNSEL IN EQUAL

  • TERMS TO REMEMBER THAT THEY ARE ADDRESSING THE WORLD'S GREATEST

  • DELIBERATIVE BODY.

  • >> Stephen: YES, THE SENATE IS THE WORLD'S GREATEST

  • DELIBERATIVE BODY-- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH "PEOPLE"

  • MAGAZINE'S ANNUAL "HOTTEST DELIBERATIVE BODY."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SMOKIN' GRASSLEY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT LOOKS GOOD.

  • IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD.

  • I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT FROM CHUCK GRASSLEY.

  • CHUCK GRASS-FED.