PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.

FOLKS, WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE

WORLD TO "THE L "THE LATE SHOW."

IN THE I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.

THE BIG STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT: A COYOTE AND A

BADGER ARE FRIENDS!

LOOK, HE'S SAYING, "COME ON, BUDDY, LET'S GO!"

AND THEY'RE OFF ON AN ADVENTURE!

THEY'RE TEAMING UP TO FINALLY TAKE DOWN THAT ROAD RUNNER--

UNLESS THE ROAD RUNNER ALSO HA MADE A FRIEND.

MAYBE IT'S A POSSUM.

DOESN'T THAT WARM YOUR HEART A LITTLE BIT?

IF THOSE TWO ANIMALS CAN GET ALONG, MAYBE WE AS AMERICANS,

DESPITE OUR DIFFERENCES, CAN ALSO HAVE A BADGER AS A FRIEND.

( LAUGHTER ) WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR TONIGHT.

THANKS FOR WATCHING.

STAY TUNED FOR JAMES CORDEN!

GOOD NIGHT!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

I'M SORRY, I'M BEING TOLD CONTRACTUALLY I'M OBLIGATED TO

REMAIN CONSCIOUS AND CONTINUE TALKING.

JUST REMEMBER, THIS NEXT PART WASN'T MY IDEA.

FOLKS, I HOPE YOU'RE SITTING DOWN, BECAUSE I'VE GOT SOME

TERRIBLE NEWS: THE NEWS.

( LAUGHTER ) AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT

IN THE FINAL INSTALLMENT OF OUR NOT-LONG-ENOUGH RUNNING SERIES:

"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."

>> CONSTITUTION!

CONSTITUTION!

PERFECT PHONE CALL.

PERFECT PHONE CALL.

IT'S TRUE.

TODAY, THE U.S. SENATE ACQUITTED DONALD TRUMP.

SO THERE IT IS, OKAY.

IT'S OFFICIAL: NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING.

RIGHT IS WRONG.

UP IS DOWN.

MISSOURI IS KANSAS.

( LAUGHTER ) NOW WE KNOW THAT ASKING A

FOREIGN POWER TO INTERFERE IN OUR ELECTION IS THE NEW NORMAL.

THE DEMOCRATS HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO DO THE SAME THING.

( AS BERNIE ) "RUSSIA, IF YOU'RE LISTENING.

I COULD REALLY USE THAT PEE PEE TAPE.

MILK, MILK, LEMONADE.

AROUND THE CORNER, JUSTICE IS MADE!"

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, SENATE REPUBLICANS CLAIM

THEY'RE NOT SETTING THE PRECEDENT THAT PRESIDENTS ARE

ABOVE THE LAW, BECAUSE TRUMP IS GOING TO CHANGE.

>> I THINK THAT HE KNOWS NOW THAT IF HE IS TRYING TO DO

CERTAIN THINGS, WHETHER IT'S FERRETING OUT CORRUPTION THERE,

IN AFGHANISTAN, WHATEVER IT IS, HE NEEDS TO GO THROUGH THE

PROPER CHANNELS.

>> IF A CALL LIKE THAT GETS YOU AN IMPEACHMENT, I WOULD THINK HE

WOULD THINK TWICE BEFORE HE DID IT AGAIN.

>> I THINK HE'LL BE INSTRUCTED BY WHAT HAS OCCURRED HERE.

>> Stephen: OH, HE'LL BE INSTRUCTED BY WHAT OCCURRED

HERE, BECAUSE NOTHING OCCURRED HERE.

( AS TRUMP ) "YOU KNOW THERE'S A SAYING ABOUT

THOSE WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM HISTORY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I FAILED HISTORY."

THE ONLY LESSON TRUMP EVER LEARNS IS THAT HE GETS AWAY WITH

EVERYTHING: MULTIPLE BANKRUPTCIES-- NOTHING.

MULTIPLE SEXUAL ASSAULT ACCUSATIONS-- NOTHING.

HE'S IN PERFECT HEALTH DESPITE EATING LIKE A RAT BEHIND THE

BOB'S BIG BOY.

NOTHING!

( LAUGHTER ) THE SENATOR WHO HAS MOST

SUCCESSFULLY TALKED HERSELF INTO BELIEVING THAT SHE BELIEVES IN

SOMETHING IS MAINE REPUBLICAN SUSAN COLLINS, WHO SAID THIS

LAST NIGHT SAID THIS: >> HE WAS IMPEACHED, AND THERE

HAS BEEN CRITICISM BY BOTH REPUBLICAN AND DEMOCRATIC

SENATORS OF HIS CALL.

I BELIEVE THAT HE WILL BE MUCH MORE CAUTIOUS IN THE FUTURE.

>> Stephen: (AS SUSAN COLLINS) "IN THE FUTURE, HE'LL BE MORE

CAUTIOUS AND NOT GET CAUGHT.

BY THE WAY, MR. PRESIDENT, IF YOU NEED HELP GETTING RID OF A

BODY, I'M YOUR GIRL.

THE SECRET IS REMOVING THE HANDS AND TEETH, THEN KILLING THE GUY

WHO SOLD YOU THE SHOVEL.

( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S A REASON THAT THE MASTER

OF HORROR STEPHEN KING LIVES IN MAINE.

I SEEM REALLY FOLKSY, BUT IF YOU LISTEN CLOSELY TO WHAT I'M

JUSTIFYING, SUDDENLY I SEEM LIKE A SKIN BAG FILLED WITH WRITHING

TENTACLES."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS ) A LITTLE BIT.

LITTLE BIT.

BUT THAT WAS YESTERDAY SUSAN COLLINS.

TODAY SUSAN COLLINS SEES THINGS A LITTLE MORE CLEARLY.

SHE NOW SAYS SHE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT SHE

BELIEVES TRUMP HAS LEARNED HIS LESSONS FROM THE FALLOUT FROM

HIS DEALINGS WITH UKRAINE AND IMPEACHMENT.

SHE NOW SAYS A BETTER WORD WOULD HAVE BEEN "HOPES."

YES, AND A BETTER WORD FOR "SENATOR" SUSAN COLLINS WOULD BE

"FORMER SENATOR" SUSAN COLLINS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.

THERE'S THE DOOR.

NOW, ONE DEMOCRAT WHO FOLKS WEREN'T SURE WOULD VOTE TO

CONVICT WAS ALABAMA SENATOR DOUG JONES, GIVEN HOW POPULAR THE

PRESIDENT IS IN ALABAMA.

BUT HE DID.

AND JONES DIDN'T WANT TOO MUCH CREDIT.

>> I AM MINDFUL, MR. PRESIDENT, THAT I AM STANDING AT A DESK

THAT ONCE WAS USED BY JOHN F. KENNEDY, WHO FAMOUSLY

WROTE "PROFILES IN COURAGE," AND THERE WILL BE SO MANY WHO WILL

SIMPLY LOOK AT WHAT I'M DOING TODAY AND SAY IT IS A PROFILE IN

COURAGE.

>> Stephen: (AS JONES) "YES, SO MANY WILL CALL THIS

A PROFILE IN COURAGE.

SO MANY WILL ALSO SAY THAT I SHOULD BE ON THE COVER OF 'TIME

MAGAZINE.' MANY MORE WILL SAY I SHOULD BE

'PEOPLE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.' I UNDERSTAND WHERE THESE SO MANY

ARE COMING FROM.

BUT PLEASE, DON'T NAME AN AIRPORT IN NEW YORK AFTER ME."

THE VOTE ON OBSTRUCTION OF CONGRESS WAS 53-47, PURE

PARTISAN SPLIT.

BUT ON THE FIRST CHARGE, ON THE ABUSE OF POWER, THE VOTE WAS

52-48.

AND ON THIS DARK DAY, THERE WAS SOMEONE I WOULD LIKE TO THANK

FOR GIVING ME A RAY OF HOPE: UTAH SENATOR AND DAD EXPLAINING

VENTURE CAPITALISM TO YOUR PROM DATE, MITT ROMNEY.

ROMNEY HAS NEVER BEEN A FAR-RIGHT POLITICIAN--

( APPLAUSE ) MITT'S NEVER BEEN A REALLY

FAR-RIGHT POLITICIAN OR A FAR-RIGHT REPUBLICAN.

BUT IT WAS STILL SHOCKING TO HEAR HIM SAY THIS:

>> THE GREAT QUESTION THE CONSTITUTION TASKS SENATORS TO

ANSWER IS WHETHER THE PRESIDENT COMMITTED AN ACT SO EXTREME AND

EGREGIOUS THAT IT RISES TO THE LEVEL OF A HIGH CRIME AND

MISDEMEANOR.

YES, HE DID.

>> Stephen: YES.

HE.

DID.

THANK YOU.

THREE LITTLE WORDS CAN SOMETIMES ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

YES.

IT'S NOT HARD.

>> Jon: NO.

>> Stephen: IT'S NOT MUCH.

IT SEEMS SMALL, BUT THREE LITTLE WORDS CAN SOMETIMES BE SO

POWERFUL.

YES, HE DID.

I LOVE YOU.

CHILI CHEESE FRIES.

( LAUGHTER ) LET'S GET HIGH.

( LAUGHTER ) ROMNEY SPOKE THE TRUTH.

>> CORRUPTING AN ELECTION TO KEEP ONESELF IN OFFICE IS

PERHAPS THE MOST ABUSIVE AND DESTRUCTIVE VIOLATION OF ONE'S

OATH OF OFFICE THAT I CAN IMAGINE.

>> Stephen: TO WHICH TRUMP REPLIED:

( AS TRUMP ) "WOW, YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH OF AN

IMAGINATION, DO YOU, MITT?

BECAUSE NOW THAT I'M ACQUITTED, I'M GOING TO VIOLATE THAT OATH

IN WAYS THAT WOULD MAKE MY OLD FRIEND JEFFREY EPSTEIN PUKE INTO

A DUMPSTER."

REALLY?

TOO SOON?

ROMNEY SUMMED UP THE PRESIDENT'S CRIMES EASILY.

>> THE PRESIDENT'S PURPOSE WAS PERSONAL AND POLITICAL.

ACCORDINGLY, THE PRESIDENT IS GUILTY OF AN APPALLING ABUSE

OF PUBLIC TRUST.

>> Stephen: YES!

THAT'S WHAT THE IMPEACHMENT MANAGERS WERE SAYING THE WHOLE

TIME!

SOMEONE WAS ACTUALLY LISTENING TO THE SUBSTITUTE TEACHER, MR.

SCHIFF.

YOU GOT THROUGH TO THE TALL, QUIET KID WHO HAS TROUBLE MAKING

FRIENDS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM!

QUIET.

HANDSOME.

>> Jon: COME ON!

>> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING.

HERE'S THE THING-- THIS IS IMPORTANT.

MITT KNOWS THIS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE HIM ANY FRIENDS IN THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY.

>> I'M AWARE THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN MY PARTY AND IN MY

STATE WHO WILL STRENUOUSLY DISAPPROVE OF MY DECISION.

AND IN SOME QUARTERS, I WILL BE VEHEMENTLY DENOUNCED.

I'M SURE TO HEAR ABUSE FROM THE PRESIDENT AND HIS SUPPORTERS.

>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.

THE PRESIDENT WILL GO AFTER HIM.

BUT I DOUBT TRUMP'S GOING TO FIND ANY UKRAINIAN DIRT ON MITT

ROMNEY.

( AS UKRAINIAN ) "MR. PRESIDENT, YES, WE HAVE IT

ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT ONCE, IN 1997, MITT ROMNEY TOOK A SIP OF

COFFEE THAT HE THOUGHT WAS DECAF."

( LAUGHTER ) "YEAH, YEAH.

AH, YEAH."

YEAH-DA.

BUT ROMNEY IS WILLING TO PUT UP WITH WHATEVER THE BLOWBACK FOR

THIS DECISION IS.

>> DOES ANYONE SERIOUSLY BELIEVE THAT I WOULD CONSENT TO THESE

CONSEQUENCES, OTHER THAN FROM AN INESCAPABLE CONVICTION THAT MY

OATH BEFORE GOD DEMANDED OF ME?

>> Stephen: YES, HIS FAITH COMPELS HIM TO VOTE FOR

IMPEACHMENT.

AND IT MAKES SENSE BECAUSE THE OLD TESTAMENT DOES SAY THAT YOU

SHOULD WORSHIP GOD, NOT GOLDEN COWS.

SO WHY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WHY-- IT'S TRUE.

>> Jon: COME ON, NOW!

>> Stephen: SO WHY IS HE THE LONE REPUBLICAN WILLING TO GO

AGAINST THIS PRESIDENT THAT MANY OTHER G.O.P. SENATORS HAVE

ADMITTED IS GUILTY?

MITT?

>> AS A SENATOR-JUROR, I SWORE AN OATH, BEFORE GOD, TO EXERCISE

"IMPARTIAL JUSTICE."

I AM PROFOUNDLY RELIGIOUS.

MY FAITH IS AT THE HEART OF WHO I AM.

I TAKE AN OATH BEFORE GOD AS ENORMOUSLY CONSEQUENTIAL.

WERE I TO IGNORE THE EVIDENCE THAT HAS BEEN PRESENTED AND

DISREGARD WHAT I BELIEVE MY OATH AND THE CONSTITUTION DEMANDS OF

ME FOR THE SAKE OF A PARTISAN END, IT WOULD, I FEAR, EXPOSE MY

CHARACTER TO HISTORY'S REBUKE AND THE CENSURE OF MY OWN

CONSCIENCE.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, IN MY OWN SMALL WAY I TRY TO HUFF MY

FAITH.

AND OVER THE YEARS I'VE MADE A LOT OF FUN OF MITT ROMNEY, A LOT

OF JOKES ABOUT HIM.

THE DOG ON THE ROOF.

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?

CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE, MY FRIEND.

BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN.

BUT-- AND I MEAN THIS SINCERELY-- AFTER SEEING THAT

SPEECH, I WOULD DO ALL THOSE JOKES AGAIN BECAUSE THAT'S OATH

I TOOK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT-- BUT-- BUT I DO WANT TO SAY

THAT WAS AN INSPIRING SPEECH BECAUSE HEARING MITT ROMNEY TAKE

HIS OATH TO GOD SERIOUSLY WAS LIKE FINDING WATER IN THE

DESERT.

BECAUSE WE KNOW REPUBLICANS ARE LYING WHEN THEY SAY THAT TRUMP

DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG OR THAT MAYBE HE DID BUT HE SHOULDN'T BE

REMOVED.

EVERY PERSON WHO LEAVES THE WHITE HOUSE AND WRITES A BOOK

ABOUT IT, EVERY JOURNALIST WHO GETS A PEEK BEHIND THE CURTAIN--

LIKE THE TWO WE HAD LAST NIGHT-- TELL US THE REPUBLICANS

PRIVATELY ARE HORRIFIED AND WANT SOMEONE TO DO SOMETHING TO STOP

HIM.

BUT THEY DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY THAT OUT LOUD WHEN IT

MATTERS.

THAT'S WHY AN OATH IS IMPORTANT.

OATHS MAY NOT MEAN A LOT TO SOME PEOPLE.

BUT WHEN YOU TAKE AN OATH, YOU SAY ONE THING AND THINK ANOTHER.

YOU ARE ASKING GOD TO WITNESS, ON THE PAIN OF YOUR IMMORTAL

SOUL, THAT WHAT YOU WHISPER IN YOUR HEART IS WHAT COMES OUT OF

YOUR MOUTH BUT THOSE OF THESE GRIEZ TALK OUT THEIR ASS.

IN ROBERT BOLT'S "A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS," THE MAIN CHARACTER,

THOMAS MORE, IS THE LONE VOICE OPPOSING HENRY VIII, A BLOATED,

GOLDEN CHILD, WHO NONE DARED GAINSAY, WHO DESTROYED ANYONE

WHO DID NOT FOLLOW HIM BLINDLY, AND THEN WHEN THEY HADN'T

DESTROYED, A LOT OF PEOPLE FOLLOWED HIM BLINDLY ANYWAY.