What was meant to be a one-day event in Iowa

has turned into a four-day shitshow of confusion.

Only about three-quarters of the ballots are in,

so we still don't know who officially won.

But as it stands, it's a close race

between Bernie Sanders, the world's youngest old man,

and Pete Buttigieg, the world's oldest young man.

But regardless of how it ends,

no one is around to give a victory speech

because the candidates have already moved on.

NEWSWOMAN: Today, all of the top candidates

are in New Hampshire ahead of the primary next week.

And as you can see right there on your screen,

they're holding events all around the state right now.

For some reason, in Iowa,

they're having a little bit of trouble counting votes.

But I am confident that here in New Hampshire,

I know they'll be able to count your votes on election night.

(cheering and applause)

Man, this is what I love about Bernie Sanders.

He does not give a damn.

Because he spent a year sucking up to Iowa,

and then five minutes after he's left,

he's already roasting their ass.

Yeah, he's just like, "I want to talk

"about the 99% of people in Iowa

who have no idea what the (bleep) they're doing."

I hope Bernie does this for every state,

you know, as soon as he's on to the next primary.

He's in Nevada next week like,

"Great to be out of New Hampshire,

or, as I call it, Dirty Massachusetts."

(laughter)

But I will say this.

I know there's been a lot of trouble,

but I think Democrats should consider themselves lucky

that they get to work out all of the voting kinks

in these super white states like Iowa and New Hampshire.

Because this shit wouldn't fly when they're in South Carolina.

Yeah. You try and tell an old black woman

her vote isn't going through because of a broken app.

She'll be like, "Oh, your app is broken?

That's funny, 'cause your ass about to be broken, too."

(laughter)

(cheering and applause)

Oh, and-and speaking of technology gone wrong,

ever since traffic apps like Waze came along,

people have complained that their neighborhoods

are packed with cars trying to find the quickest route.

Well, now one artist in Berlin might have found a solution.

An artist in Germany has found a way

to create fake traffic jams on Google Maps.

He pulled around 99 smartphones he got in a little red wagon.

-NEWSMAN: Look at that! -NEWSMAN 2: And he pulled them

up and down an empty street

outside Google's Berlin headquarters.

And it took about an hour,

but eventually, the Google Maps app

thought that big buses were outside

moving very, very slowly.

And they put a little red line on there that said,

"Look out. There's a traffic problem."

Wow, that is genius.

A German artist figured out

that if you walk down the street with a bunch of phones,

Google thinks there's a giant traffic jam on the block.

Which was a slick move by him,

but his Verizon bill is gonna bankrupt him,

I'll tell you that.

Seriously, 99 phones is a lot of phones,

even if it is for an art project.

It almost makes me think that this is just a guy

who had to come up with an excuse

after his girlfriend busted him

for having a bunch of side chick burner phones.

And she was like, "So many phones."

He's like, "No, no, baby. It's for an art project.

"You see, I-I put them in my sex wagon...

I mean, wheelbarrow. Then I-I make traffic."

Yeah. But this just goes to show

that you can't always trust these apps.

Like, I can't tell you how many times

I've been disappointed that when my Uber arrived,

it wasn't spinning uncontrollably.

It's never accurate.

(laughter and applause)

Now, a lot of people...

a lot of people were pissed off at this guy

for disrupting traffic,

but personally, I support this artist.

Because if there's one thing I've learned from history,

it's that when a German is trying to become an artist,

you help them become an artist

before they become something else.

(laughter and applause)

So, yeah.

To that German artist, I say...

All right, moving on to health news.

Remember how, in school,

you had to do that fitness test in P.E.,

where they made you do push-ups while everyone watched?

It was a nightmare. Right?

Well, in California,

that nightmare might finally end.

Governor Gavin Newsom wants to halt

mandatory physical fitness tests for California students,

because kids are getting bullied over them.

The tests are required for fifth,

seventh and ninth graders.

They measure everything from strength to aerobic capacity.

Critics say the tests contribute to body shaming

and other types of bullying.

Yes, California's governor wants to suspend

gym class fitness tests in order to curb bullying.

Because we all know bullies can't body shame you

without the metrics, you know?

It's such a weird logic.

It's like, what, the bullies are just gonna be there, like,

"Oh, man, I want to give you a wedgie so bad,

but I just don't have the data, man."

(sucks air through teeth)

(groans)

(laughs)

But I-I do like where the governor is coming from.

You know? Kids in California

shouldn't be body shamed at school.

That should only happen when they try

to break into Hollywood.

That's when it counts.

And I do think there are better ways

to get kids into being physically fit.

Like, for instance, in Africa,

what we do is we have these things

called lions.

And they're a very effective motivational tool.