I'm joking.

I never did.

NBC clearly don't care either.

Fifth time.

So I mean, Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars because of some offensive tweets.

Hello.

Lucky for me, the Hollywood foreign press could barely speak English.

They have no idea what Twitter is.

So I've got offered this gig by fax.

So let's go out with a bang.

Let's have a laugh at your expense.

Shall we remember?

They're just jokes.

We're all gonna die soon, and there's no sequel.

So, yeah, remember that.

But you all look lovely all dolled up.

You came here in your limo's.

I came here in a limo tonight on the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman.

So no, it's just It's a daughter I feel sorry for.

Okay, That must be the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to her.

And her dad was in Wild Hogs.

So lots of big celebrities here tonight.

I mean, legends, icons.

Yeah, this table alone.

Al Pacino, Robert De Niro.

But Baby Oda, that's Joe Pesci.

I love you, man.

Don't have me whacked.

But tonight isn't just about the people in front of camera.

In this room are some of the most important TV and film executives in the world, people from every background.

But they all have one thing in common.

They're all terrified of Ronan.

Farrow is coming for you.

He's coming for you.

Look talking of all you perverts.

It was a big year.

It was a big year for paedophile movies.

Surviving R.

Kelly Leaving Neverland two Popes.

I don't care, I don't care.

Many talented people of color was snubbed in major Congress.

Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do about that.

The Hollywood foreign press are all very, very racist.

So fifth time.

So we were going to do an in Memoriam this year.

But when I saw the list of people that died, it wasn't diverse enough.

They just know it was mostly white people.

On dhe, I thought, Now, not on my watch.

Maybe next year, let's let's see what happens.

No one cares about movies anymore.

No one goes the cinema.

No, really, what?

His network TV.

Everyone's watching Netflix.

This show should just be me coming out, going well done.

Netflix.

You win everything.

Good night, but no, no, We gotta drag out for three hours.

You could binge watch the entire first season of afterlife instead of watching the show.

That that's a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies of cancer and it's still more fun than this.

Okay, spoiler alert.

Season two is on the way, so in the end, he obviously didn't kill himself.

Just like Jeffrey Epstein.

Shut up!

I know he's your friend, but I don't care.

You want to make your own way in your own plane, didn't you?

Right, But seriously, most films awful lazy remakes, Sequels.

I've heard a rumor that there might be a sequel to Sophie's Choice.

I mean that I'd just be Meryl Streep going.

Well, it's gotta be this one.

All the best actors have jumped to Netflix and HBO, you know, on the actors who just do Hollywood movies now do fantasy adventure nonsense.

They were massed and capes on really tight costumes.

Their job isn't acting anymore.

It's going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids.

Really, we got we got an award for most ripped junkie.

No, no, point, we know we'd win that mind scores.

Ese, the greatest living director, made the news for his controversial comments about the Marvel franchise.

He said, They're not real cinema on dhe.

They remind him of theme parks.

I agree, although I don't know what he's doing.

Hanging around theme parks is not big enough to go on the rides.

Tiny right?

The Irishman was amazing.

It was amazing.

It was.

It was great long, but amazing.

It wasn't the only epic movie.

Once upon a time in Hollywood, nearly three hours long, Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere on By the end, his date was too old for him.

Even Prince Andrew's like, Come on, Leo, mate, you know you nearly 50 son, Um, the world got to see James Cordon as a fat pussy.

It was also in the movie cuts, but no one saw that, Um, on the reviews are shocking.

I saw one that said, This is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs.

But Dame Judi Dench defended the film, saying it was the role she was born to play because she I can't do this next because she loves nothing better than plunking herself down on the carpet, lifting the leg and licking furball.

Furball.

She's old.

School is the last time Oh, Apple roared into the TV game with a morning show.

A superb drama.

Yeah, a superb drama about the importance of dignity on doing the right thing made by a company that runs sweatshops in China.

So, well, you say you woke, but the companies you work for I mean, unbelievable.

Apple Amazon Disney.

If isis started the streaming service you call, your agent wouldn't.

So if you do win an award tonight, don't use it as a platform to make a political speech, right?

You're in no position to lecture the public about anything.

You know nothing about the real world.

Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thumb Berg.

So if you win, right, come up exceptionally award.

Thank your agent on your God, so it's already three hours long, right?

Let's do the first award.

The First War.

The first award is for best actor in a television series, musical or comedy to present the award of a couple of actors after telling What can I say?

Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon in a little while.

We're going to see a short clip from the Irishman.

It's 88 minutes long.

Welcome back.

Still having a good time?

As you know, the meal tonight was all vegetables.

As are the members of the Hollywood Foreign Press.

Please welcome their president, Lorenzo Soria.

Hello.

We're back.

Knives out.

Has three nominations tonight.

Yeah.

See what can happen if you don't dress people.

Oppa's cats.

It's not easy.

Hello.

Welcome back.

I've got nothing negative to say about these next two presenters because the big one could snap me in half.

So please welcome Zoe Kravitz and Jason Momoa.

Amazing.

Um, a lot of controversy about on next can agree.

No female directors were nominated this year.

Not one, I mean, that that spot I have genuine had a word with a Hollywood foreign press.

And I guarantee that will never happen again.

Because working with all the major studios, they'd agreed to go back the way things were a few years ago when they didn't even higher women directors on DDE.

That will solve the problem.

You're welcome.

Kill me.

We're nearly done.

She's three.

It's already right.

Um, last one last one.

Come on, boys.

Our next presenter.

A start in Netflix's Bird box, A movie where people survive by acting like they don't see a thing.

So, like working for Harvey Weinstein.

You did it.

I didn't.

You do this.

Please welcome Sandra Bullock.

That's it.

Good night.

Thank you.

Please donate to Australia.

Have a great time.

Get drunk taking drugs.