Placeholder Image

字幕列表 影片播放

  • WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • WITH ALL THE NEWS ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS, I HOPE EVERYONE'S

  • DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO STAY SAFE.

  • IF YOU NEED INFORMATION ABOUT HOW TO STAY HEALTHY, DON'T ASK

  • DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE

  • PRESIDENT'S APPROACH TO WELLNESS FROM FORMER WHITE HOUSE

  • PHYSICIAN AND MAN DESCRIBING THE SIZE OF TRUMP'S HOAGIE

  • ( LAUGHTER ) RONNY JACKSON.

  • DR. RONNY IS EVIDENTLY RUNNING FOR CONGRESS DOWN IN TEXAS,

  • AND IN A RECENT INTERVIEW, HE SAID ONE OF HIS BIGGEST REGRETS

  • WAS NOT BEING ABLE TO ESTABLISH THE DIET AND EXERCISE REGIMEN HE

  • HAD PLANNED FOR TRUMP.

  • REALLY?

  • THAT'S THE THING HE REGRETS?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOT BEING ABUSIVE TO HIS

  • COLLEAGUES OR LOOSELY HANDLING PRESCRIPTION PAIN MEDICATIONS,

  • OR THAT ONE TIME HE WRECKED A GOVERNMENT VEHICLE WHILE DRUNK.

  • LOOK, I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S QUALIFIED FOR CONGRESS, BUT HE'S

  • DEFINITELY QUALIFIED FOR THE SUPREME COURT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • NOW, JACKSON SAYS-- NOW, JACKSON DID HAVE ONE STRATEGY TO KEEP

  • TRUMP HEALTHY.

  • APPARENTLY HE HID VEGGIES IN TRUMP'S MASHED POTATOES BECAUSE

  • NOTHING MAKES A PARANOID TYRANT FEEL SECURE LIKE HIDING STUFF IN

  • HIS FOOD.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "JARED, I NEED YOU TO BE MY

  • TASTER.

  • I THINK SOMEONE'S TRYING TO POISON ME WITH NUTRIENTS."

  • CHECK YOUR CALENDARS: IT'S FEBRUARY 28, WHICH MEANS JUST

  • ONE MORE SHOPPING DAY IN BLACK HISTORY MONTH.

  • TO CELEBRATE, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN WILL BE OPENING 15 COMMUNITY

  • CENTERS TO REACH BLACK VOTERS.

  • IT'S RUN BY A GROUP CALLED "BLACK VOICES FOR TRUMP," WHICH

  • SOUNDS SURPRISING, BECAUSE TRUMP HS A LOT OF AFRICAN AMERICAN

  • SUPPORT.

  • FOR INSTANCE, THERE'S THIS GUY, THE SAME GUY AT ANOTHER RALLY,

  • AND THE SAME GUY AGAIN, ALL IN DIFFERENT CITIES!

  • IT'S LIKE A "WHERE'S WALDO," EXCEPT MUCH EASIER TO PICK OUT

  • OF A CROWD.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • NOW, THIS WEEK-- ( CHEERS )

  • THIS WEEK, THE CAMPAIGN LAUNCHED A PROTOTYPE OF ONE OF THE

  • COMMUNITY CENTERS, AND HERE IT IS.

  • IT'S JUST STUFF ON A TABLE, LIKE A T-SHIRT THAT JUST SAYS "WOKE."

  • "WOKE"?

  • AT THIS POINT, THAT'S GETTING A LITTLE DATED.

  • NOT AS BAD AS THEIR OTHER BLACK OUTREACH T-SHIRT: DY-NO-MITE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP CLEARLY NEEDS TO DO

  • SOMETHING, SINCE "MORE THAN EIGHT IN TEN BLACK AMERICANS SAY

  • THEY BELIEVE TRUMP IS A RACIST."

  • THE OTHER TWO ARE BEN CARSON AND KANYE WEST.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • DEMOCRATS-- DEMOCRATS ARE DEALING WITH THEIR

  • OWN CONTROVERSY-- SPECIFICALLY, SENATE MINORITY LEADER,

  • CHUCK SCHUMER, SEEN HERE ON THE COVER OF HIS JAZZ ALBUM, "THE

  • SULTRY SENATE."

  • APPARENTLY, THE "NEW YORK POST" LOOKED INTO SCHUMER'S F.E.C.

  • FILINGS AND FOUND THE SHOCKING NEWS THAT HE HAS SPENT $8,600 ON

  • CHEESECAKES IN THE PAST DECADE.

  • NOW, AS SCANDALS GO, THIS ONE IS PRETTY MILD.

  • AND VERY CREAMY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT SENATOR SCHUMER STILL

  • ADDRESSED IT AT A PRESS CONFERENCE THIS WEEK.

  • >> I GIVE THEM AS GIFTS.

  • I USE THEM AS BETS.

  • >> Stephen: YOU HEARD HIM, CHUCK SCHUMER BETS WITH

  • CHEESECAKES.

  • US I HAD ROLLERS KNOW THIS IS EXTREMELY COMMON.

  • WHO COULD FORGET THIS CLASSIC SCENE FROM "CASINO ROYALE?"

  • >> RAISE.

  • >> RAISE.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> $14,500,000.

  • >> WHOA!

  • THAT'S A LOT OF CHEESECAKE.

  • >> Stephen: FEARS-- FEARS OF CORONAVIRUS-- I DON'T REMEMBER

  • THAT LAST.

  • GUY.

  • I REMEMBER EVERYTHING BUT THAT LAST GUY.

  • FEARS OF CORONAVIRUS ARE RUNNING HIGH, AND TRUMP HAS BEEN

  • ENCOURAGING GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES TO STAY HOME-- BY

  • FIRING THEM FOR DISLOYALTY.

  • IN FACT, IN THE WAKE OF TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT ACQUITTAL, THE WHITE

  • HOUSE HAS CREATED LISTS OF DISLOYAL OFFICIALS.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) ♪ I'M MAKIN' A LIST

  • CHECKIN' IT TWICE GONNA FIRE YOU THEN EAT

  • A CAKE SLICE ♪ ( LAUGHTER )

  • ( APPLAUSE ) SO TO HANDLE THE LIST--

  • SCHUMER SENT ME CHEESECAKE TODAY

  • SO TO HANDLE THE LIST, TRUMP RECENTLY PROMOTED HIS PERSONAL

  • AIDE, JOHN McENTEE, AND INSTRUCTED HIM TO PURGE THE

  • EXECUTIVE BRANCH OF ANYONE NOT LOYAL TO TRUMP.

  • A PURGE!

  • THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE SOVIET UNION.

  • INSTEAD OF RED SQUARE, IT'S ORANGE BLOB.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TO HELP HIM PURGE THE DISLOYAL,

  • "McENTEE PROMPTLY HIRED JAMES BACON, A 23-YEAR-OLD COLLEGE

  • SENIOR."

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "YOU HAD ME AT BACON."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • NOW-- >> Jon: WOW!

  • >> Stephen: A COLLEGE SENIOR!

  • CLEARLY, AS LONG AS YOU'RE BLINDLY LOYAL, TRUMP DOESN'T

  • CARE ABOUT AGE OR EXPERIENCE.

  • HERE TO TELL US MORE ABOUT THE ADMINISTRATION'S NEW HIRING

  • AND FIRING POLICY IS WHITE HOUSE MANAGEMENT DIRECTOR, KAYLA

  • McKENZIE.

  • THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

  • >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME, STEPHEN.

  • >> Stephen: SO, KAYLA-- >> DIRECTOR McKENZIE.

  • >> Stephen: MY APOLOGIES.

  • DIRECTOR McKENZIE, WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY DO THERE AT THE

  • WHITE HOUSE?

  • >> MY JOB IS TO CULL THE WEAK, STEPHEN.

  • >> Stephen: REALLY?

  • HOW OLD ARE YOU?

  • >> HOW DARE YOU ASK A WOMAN HER AGE.

  • WHAT ELSE TO EXPECT FROM FAKE NEWS CBS.

  • YOU'RE AS BAD AS THE NEVER-TRUMPERS.

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • TYRA BANKS IS HERE.

  • BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, OUR REAL NEWS ANCHOR GOES TO SOUTH

  • CAROLINA TO SEE WHAT VOTERS REALLY THINK.

  • STY WITH US.

WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."

字幕與單字

單字即點即查 點擊單字可以查詢單字解釋

B2 中高級

特朗普總統正在清除美國政府中任何不盲目效忠他的人。 (President Trump Is Purging The U.S. Government Of Anyone Not Blindly Loyal To Him)

  • 2 0
    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
影片單字