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  • -Let's get to some news here. Today was Day 3

  • of President Trump's Senate impeachment trial,

  • and House managers are still presenting opening arguments.

  • Right now, even the creators of "Game of Thrones" are like,

  • "This opening is way too long." [ Laughter ]

  • That's right. Today was Day 3 of the trial,

  • and Democrats have now spent

  • over 16 hours arguing their case.

  • The only other place you see 16 hours of arguing

  • is between a couple at IKEA.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I'm not going to get that." "Honey, it's perfect.

  • We got to get the Flugen. It matches with the Glugen."

  • But today actually kicked off on a solid note.

  • Both Democrats and Republicans gathered for a moment of silence

  • to honor Mr. Peanut. -Aw.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Americans are really focused on the impeachment.

  • I read that more than 11 million viewers have tuned in.

  • Yeah, the ratings are huge. And Trump's torn.

  • He doesn't know whether to worry about it or take credit for it.

  • "I have the biggest impeachment ratings in history.

  • Much -- Much bigger than Bill Clinton's ratings."

  • Yesterday, people noticed

  • massive bags of Mexican food were delivered to Congress,

  • so I guess this is "nacho" average impeachment trial.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Ah.

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • -Oh.

  • Whew. Sorry about that.

  • I heard that during the trial,

  • Senators haven't been allowed to talk or use their phones,

  • so they've actually been passing around notes.

  • -Oh.

  • -The notes are pretty interesting. Check it out.

  • First, Chuck Schumer passed a note to Mike Lee

  • that said, "Dude, I'm starving.

  • What do you want to order for dinner tonight?"

  • Then Mike Lee wrote, "OMG, read my mind. Domino's?"

  • Then Roger Wicker wrote,

  • "Nom, nom, nom. Order me a pasta primavera."

  • Then Mike Lee wrote, "What the hell?

  • Who goes to Domino's for the pasta?"

  • [ Laughter ] Then Schumer wrote, "Yeah,

  • that's like going to Burger King for the tacos."

  • Then Wicker wrote, "BK has tacos?

  • Can we order those?" [ Laughter ]

  • Then Steve Daines wrote, "Hey guys, look.

  • I drew one of those cool cartoon S's."

  • Then Mike Lee said, "Shut up, Steve!

  • We're trying to figure out dinner."

  • Then Ted Cruz said, "How about we go healthy and order salads?"

  • Then Schumer said, "Ugh, get out of our note, Ted.

  • You're worse than Steve." [ Laughter ]

  • Then Steve Daines said, "Yeah, Ted, you suck."

  • It got heated. -Wow.

  • -It got heated very fast.

  • -That escalated.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -But Trump is keeping a really cool head.

  • Yesterday, he broke his personal Twitter record

  • by sending out 141 tweets in a single day.

  • [ Audience murmurs ]

  • Halfway through, even Siri was like --

  • -Dude, are you okay?

  • -Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • -And this is going viral. At an event earlier today,

  • Prince Charles was greeting world leaders,

  • and he seemed to skip over Mike Pence.

  • Take a look at this.

  • [ Indistinct conversations, camera shutters clicking ]

  • [ Audience groans ]

  • -Later on, when Charles' assistant told him

  • that he skipped Pence, Charles said,

  • "Oh, my God. Can you see him, too?

  • I thought I was being -- [ Laughter ]

  • I thought I was being haunted."

  • Some 2020 news -- Mike Bloomberg has opened up

  • his campaign headquarters in Times Square.

  • And he's already got 1,000 employees.

  • And this is nice --

  • They're all Democrats who dropped out of the race.

  • -Aww. -Yeah.

  • I saw that Netflix now has

  • more than 167 million viewers around the world.

  • 167 million.

  • It's even more interesting when you break that number down.

  • For instance, out of the 167 million viewers,

  • 8 million have their own Netflix stand-up specials.

  • 20 million are trying to guess which one of their roommates

  • is watching all of those serial killer documentaries.

  • And two people are watching "The Crown"

  • being like, "Glad we got out of that family."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • This is interesting.

  • Honda and GM just unveiled a new self-driving car

  • that doesn't have a steering wheel or pedals.

  • Yeah. There's no radio, either,

  • because all you'll ever hear is yourself screaming.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This is disturbing. There's a new app

  • where people can find your name, occupation, interests,

  • and stuff like that simply by taking your photo.

  • It's pretty creepy. We actually tested the app

  • on some people in the news, and it seems to work.

  • For example, to Bernie Sanders, it said,

  • name -- Bernie Sanders.

  • Age -- 78.

  • Interests -- Walking into McDonald's,

  • taking a giant handful of napkins, and walking out.

  • -Wow. [ Laughter ]

  • -Next up, for Mike Pence, it said,

  • name -- Mike Pence.

  • Secret Service code name -- Mike Pence.

  • Special talent -- Becomes invisible

  • when Prince Charles is around.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • And for Adam Schiff, it said,

  • name -- Adam Bennett Schiff.

  • Age -- 59.

  • Spirit animal -- This.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Next up, for Pete Buttigieg, it said,

  • name -- Peter Paul Montgomery Buttigieg.

  • Occupation -- Mayor.

  • Can often be seen using --

  • That one urinal that's lower than the others.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Up next, for Chuck Schumer, it said, name -- Charles Schumer.

  • Hometown -- Brooklyn, New York.

  • Height -- 5'9".

  • Height between eyes and glasses -- 6'3".

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -How low? -Then for Elizabeth Warren,

  • it said, name -- Elizabeth Ann Warren.

  • Gender -- Female.

  • Fashion inspiration -- The Church Lady.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Next up, and this makes sense, for 2020 candidate Tom Steyer,

  • it said, "Sorry, no information found."

  • [ Audience aws ]

  • No one knows who he is. [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, for Mitch McConnell, it said,

  • name -- Addison Mitchell McConnell.

  • Occupation -- Senator.

  • Favorite pickup line -- "I'm like a tortoise in the streets

  • but a hare in the sheets."

  • Pretty interesting. -Wow.

  • -Hare -- -From an app?

  • -Yeah, I don't know, man. -All from an app.

  • -Yeah. -Wow.

  • -Some local news, guys,

  • I heard that the head of the New York City Subway

  • is leaving his job.

  • He gave a very heartfelt speech to his employees.

  • He was like...

  • [ Imitating indistinct P.A. announcement ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This is cool. Two strangers, one in New Zealand and one in Spain,

  • placed slices of bread

  • on opposite sides of the Earth's surface

  • to create an Earth sandwich.

  • Then their parents were like,

  • "So, no news on the job hunt, then?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, this is crazy, a man in Delaware

  • accidentally bought two of the same Powerball tickets

  • then won $50,000 twice. -Ooh.

  • -Or as he told his wife, "Honey, I won the lottery one time."

  • We have a great show.

-Let's get to some news here. Today was Day 3

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吉米回顧特朗普參議院彈劾案審判第三天的情況 (Jimmy Recaps Day 3 of Trump's Senate Impeachment Trial)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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