字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 -I was just wondering. I wanted to ask the audience: If you guys wouldn't mind, I'd like to write out my thank-you notes right now. Is that okay? [ Cheering and applause ] Zhams? [ Laughter ] Can I get some thank-you note writing music, please? [ Playing poignant tune ] That top keyboard he never uses. -Wow, never has used it once. -Never uses it. Only uses the bottom one. -Serves cold cuts on it. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] [ Fresh laughter and applause ] ♪♪ -Thank you, impeachment trial, for being a lot like "The Bachelor" -- Televised, dramatic, mostly white, and the only thing we know for sure is that the guy's gonna get off at the end. [ Laughter and applause ] -Ooh! -Both: Oh, no! -That's spicy! -Oh, no! -No, you did not. -Oh, I did. -Wow! -[Chuckle] ♪♪ [ Laughter ] Thank you, Senators chewing gum, passing notes, and using fidget spinners to pass the time. It's nice to know an impeachment trial basically looks like a middle school audience during a fire safety assembly. [ Laughter, applause, and cheering ] -Nice. ♪♪ [ Laughter ] -Thank you, Grammy Awards, for awarding both Record of the Year and Album of the Year and forcing me to guess what the difference is. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheering ] -It's nothin'. -Record? -What is the difference? Quest, you would know. -Well, Album of the Year is the collection of songs; Record of the Year is one specific song; and Song of the Year is just for the songwriter, not the artist. [ Audience oohs ] -Ohhh, nice. -[snapping fingers] So like Record of the Year is a single. -Did you just snap? -Yeah, I did. [ Snapping fingers ] [ Laughter ] -Like, that's how you clap? -That's how I appreciate someone's knowledge imparted to me. My, thank you, Quest. [ Laughter ] -You're welcome, Higgins. -I like that. You guys wanna do that? [ Snapping fingers ] It's pretty cool. -Ooh, it sounds like -- -If you like the next joke, snap. -Okay. [ Laughter ] -Dude, we can start something. -Yeah, come in and start it. Snap it. -Dude, bring back pipes. Bring back snaps. -Pipes and beatniks and snapping, man. -Alright. Here we go. Let's see. What if they don't like it? [ Snapping fingers ] ♪♪ [ Laughter ] Thank you, Super Bowl Halftime Show starring J.Lo and Shakira. Or, as most Americans are calling it, the Feel Worse about my Butt Show. [ Laughter ] [ Snapping fingers ] [ Fresh laughter ] -Alright, forget it. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. A little too silent. -I understand, yes. I understand. -Yeah. It's pretty cool, you know? -[laughing] Please don't laugh uproariously. Just snap. [ Laughter ] -We tried. We tried it. You gotta try things. -Hey, everything can't be a winner. ♪♪ -Thank you, Rob Lowe wearing an NFL hat to a playoff game, for being the clothing equivalent of shouting, "Go, football!" [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheering ] He still looks good. [ Cheering and applause ] We have to have him on. -Come on. -We have to have him on to talk to him about that 'cause he's a funny -- -He's hilarious and he always looks good. -He's a funny dude, yeah. So it was like, "What was he...?" I love that. -He's wearing an NFL hat. Probably doing it as a goof. -"Go, football!" [ Laughter ] So funny. ♪♪ [ Fresh laughter ] Thank you, the Super Bowl, or, as the Giants and Jets call it, fantasy football. [ Audience oohs ] -Oh. I know. I know, I know. -Ohhh! Oh, no, you didn't. -I know. I know what I did. -Oh, Jimmy, you cannot say that! -I know what I did. -Don't be talkin' down my team. -I know what I did. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ [ Chuckle ] Thank you, charcuterie platters, for letting me slowly eat an entire ham-and-cheese sandwich before my dinner comes. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheering ] -Oink! -Yet, I still do it. -I love 'em, man. -Like, "I'll have sliders for an appetizer." "What would you like for your main?" "Oh, a hamburger." [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Thank you, viral photo of baby Jabba the Hutt, for letting me know that the Mucinex Man isn't the only talented one in his family. [ Laughter and applause ] ♪♪ [ Laughter ] -Thank you, Uber, for making it seem normal to open a stranger's car door and say, "Jebediah?" [ Laughter and applause ] That might be my favorite thank-you note we've ever done. -Jebediah. Jebediah? Yes? -Jebediah? [ Laughter ] -No. -No, you're not Jebediah? Sure. Sorry. My apologies. -I know. I'm leaving. I'll take another Uber. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ -Thank you, kombucha, for being invented by someone who took a sip of tea and was like, "Pretty good, but, what if this had a fermented oyster inside of it?" [ Laughter and applause ] Those are my thank-you notes.