字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 Outside of China, one of the countries hardest hit by the coronavirus has been Italy. Corona cases there seem to be doubling overnight, and it's gotten so bad that at the Sistine Chapel, -God is now refusing to touch man. -(laughter) And as for the government of Italy, they've just decided to shut it all down. All of Italy is going on lockdown. Tonight the prime minister announcing drastic new measures just a short time ago, essentially telling everyone in his country to stay home. NEWSMAN: Prime Minister Giuseppe Conte announcing tonight severe restrictions on the entire nation of around 60 million people. From tomorrow morning, all sporting events are off, including soccer. The general public should only go to work and work from home if possible. In a Rome suburb, the faithful celebrated Mass outdoors. Notice the distance between them, adhering to government advice that members of the public should stay three feet away from one another. Yeah, that's right, folks. Thanks to corona, Italy is completely locked down. No soccer matches. No cinema. Even church has changed, because worshippers don't want to get too close. And it's gonna be hard to take communion seriously when the... the priest has to throw wafers into people's mouths from across the room-- can you imagine that? Just gonna be like, "The body of Christ... -from downtown!" -(laughter) But it's not just Europe. Coronavirus is also wreaking havoc here in the U.S. And it's becoming clear that no one is safe. Back here in this country, two members of Congress are putting themselves under quarantine, because a man attending a large gathering of Republicans tested positive for the coronavirus. Senator Ted Cruz and Congressman Paul Gosar say they had contact with the man at last month's event, known as CPAC. NEWSWOMAN: Two additional Republican congressmen will undergo self-quarantine. Matt Gaetz and Doug Collins join Senator Ted Cruz... NEWSMAN: Cruz releasing a statement saying: Yeah. Because coronavirus was at CPAC, four Republican lawmakers are now quarantined and can have no human contact. And Ted Cruz is like, "What's human contact?" (laughter) Now, what's really concerning is that if it turns out multiple people in Congress have had corona contact, they might have to send all of Congress home. Which would be a disaster, because if there's no one in Congress, then who would be left to not pass any laws? And look, with coronavirus spreading across the country, I know a lot of people are scared right now. But there is no need to fear, my friends, because, you see, the stable genius in chief is on the case, and he's gonna do everything he can to help all of us through this thing. Unless you're already sick-- then-then you're on your own. NEWSMAN: This morning, 3,500 people on the Grand Princess cruise ship will disembark in Oakland, California. Of the just 45 people tested, 21 have confirmed cases. All guests will remain in isolation for 14 days. Politico reports that Pence and Health Department officials reason that quickly removing passengers was the safest outcome. But the president, he had a very different idea. (laughter) You know one thing I appreciate about Trump is that even if he does the right thing, he still tells us that he wanted to do the wrong thing. He's like, "Everyone told me to save those people on the boat, "but if it was up to me, I'd let those bastards die. -(laughter) -"Just give me one fire arrow, "and I'll solve the boat problem Viking style. Boom. Corona's Valhalla's problem now." (laughter) What's fascinating about Trump is that, even as he bumbles his way through the corona response, he thinks that he's doing an amazing job. Yeah. Yeah, maybe you should have done a lot of things -(cheering) -other than running for president. But... but this is where we are now. And I'll be honest, even if Trump had some other job, I still think he'd just find a way to somehow ruin things. Like, even if he was a mailman, he'd still screw things up. Be like, "Ding-dong, I've got your corona vaccine. "But I ran over it with my truck. If you suck on the cardboard, you should be fine." And by the way, I... I'm not sure that Trump has a natural ability for science, especially considering that he thinks scientific knowledge can be passed down through his uncle. (laughter) Trump doesn't have... a natural abi... he doesn't have a natural anything. I mean, that's why we can all see his tan wiping off on his collar. -There's nothing natural about this man. -(groans) Yeah. That's not a normal thing. (laughter) Look, man, clearly Trump is not a natural expert at this, because he said the vaccine could be ready in a few months. It can't. A couple weeks ago, he said the number of cases would quickly go down to zero. It has been the opposite. He even said that you can't spread the disease if you sneeze with your eyes open. -Achoo! It doesn't help. -(laughter) And look, Trump... Trump can't afford to be misinformed about corona, not just because he's president, but because, as an older man who's not in great shape and spends his time touching strangers, he's definitely at risk. If Trump is not careful, he could get sick, he could be incapacitated, or, worst of all, he could be trapped in quarantine with Ted Cruz.