LIMELIGHT BY HOLDING A "KEEP AMERICA GREAT" RALLY UP IN

MILWAUKEE.

TRUMP KICKED THINGS OFF WITH A MOVE FROM SPEECHWRITING 101.

>> AND YOUR GREAT GREEN BAY PACKERS ARE PLAYING

SAN FRANCISCO THIS WEEKEND.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOOD LUCK.

SO, DO WE HAVE ANY GREEN BAY PACKER FANS HERE TONIGHT?

>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T ASK A CROWD IN MILWAUKEE IF THEY ARE

GREEN BAY PACKER FANS.

THAT IS THE CHEAPEST PLOY FOR APPLAUSE. MY AUDIENCE WOULD

NEVER FALL FOR IT, BECAUSE THEY'RE THE SMARTEST, MOST

BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, AM I RIGHT?!

OH, YEAH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) TRUMP BRAGGED ABOUT KILLING

SOLEIMANI, AND HAD HIGH, IF STRANGE, PRAISE FOR OUR

MILITARY.

>> THESE GUYS WERE BETTER THAN TOM CRUISE AT HIS BEST.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "BETTER AT FLYING JETS THAN

TOM CRUISE IN 'TOP GUN.' BETTER AT MAKING COCKTAILS THAN

TOM CRUISE IN 'COCKTAIL.' BETTER-- BETTER AT RAINING MEN

THAN TOM CRUISE IN 'RAIN MAN.'" "BETTER AT INTERVIEWING VAMPIRES

THAN..."

THEN TRUMP DUG INTO SPECIFICS LIKE "WHEN IS NOW?"

>> AND IS THERE EVER, EVER A BETTER PLACE TO BE THAN A TRUMP

RALLY ON SOME NIGHT DURING SOME WEEK?

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: HE REALLY HAS NO

IDEA WHAT DAY IT IS.

( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)

"I'LL NEVER FORGET THE WONDERFUL NIGHT AND/OR DAY WE'RE HAVING

HERE IN UNNAMED SCREAMING PLACE, U.S.A."

GO, UNNAMED TEAM!" THEN, THE PRESIDENT RAMBLED ON

ABOUT STUFF HE LIKED.

>> YOU KNOW, I LIKE GOLF, AND I LOVE MY GRANDCHILDREN.

I DON'T THINK I COULD TALK TO SOMEBODY ABOUT THEM FOR 45

MINUTES THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL GRANDCHILD, HE IS REALLY BEAUTIFUL, HE IS SO

GREAT.

OKAY, WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO SAY?

RIGHT?

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I LOVE MY GRANDCHILDREN, WHO

DEFINITELY HAVE NAMES, WHICH I KNOW, AND WHO WERE BORN ON SOME

NIGHT DURING SOME WEEK, SOME PLACE."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OVER-THE-RAINBOW.

>> Stephen: TRUMP SPECULATED ON HOW THE WORLD WOULD BE DIFFERENT

IF A DEMOCRAT HAD BEEN ELECTED IN 2016.

>> YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BOUGHT ALL THOSE BRAND-NEW "KEEP AMERICA

GREAT" HATS.

>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.

NO, NO, THAT CHECKS OUT.

YES, WE HAVE PAID A PRICE: AMERICA'S LOSS OF STANDING IN

THE WORLD, THE DESTRUCTION OF OUR CONSTITUTIONAL NORMS,

MASSIVE AND FLAGRANT CORRUPTION...

BUT HATS.

( LAUGHTER ) THEN TRUMP LAUNCHED INTO HIS

FAVORITE TOPIC: HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.

>> I BROUGHT BACK THE OLD LIGHT BULB.

>> Stephen: NOTHING-- NOTHING MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE AN OLD MAN

MORE THAN SCREAMING "I BROUGHT BACK THE OLD LIGHT BULB!

IT WAS IN THE GARAGE.

IT WAS IN THE GARAGE BY THE THING WITH THE BOX WITH THE PINE

CONES AND LAST YEAR'S TINSEL!

HEY, CLOSE THAT DOOR!

I'M NOT PAYING TO AIR CONDITION THE NEIGHBORHOOD HERE!"

TRUMP WASN'T AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT THE HOTBUTTON ISSUES--

LIKE DISHWASHER EFFICIENCY.

>> I'M ALSO APPROVING NEW DISHWASHERS THAT GIVE YOU MORE

WATER SO YOU CAN ACTUALLY WASH AND RINSE YOUR DISHES WITHOUT

HAVING TO DO IT TEN TIMES.

FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, 10!

>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, WE CANNOT LET THIS GUY BECOME

PRESIDENT.

SECOND-- ( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE ) THAT JUST CAN'T HAPPEN.

>> Jon: NO!

NOT AT ALL!

>> Stephen: JUST CAN'T.

SECOND, NOBODY DOES THAT.

NOW THIS IS-- IT'S ALL MADE UP.

AND, THIRD, I'M GOING TO SAY, WE SHOULD NOT TAKE DISHWASHER

ADVICE FROM A MAN WHO EATS EVERY MEAL OUT OF A CARDBOARD BUCKET.

IN THE END-- ( APPLAUSE )

IN THE END-- CARDBOARD BUCKET!

IN THE END, TRUMP GOT REALLY UPSET WITH THE MEDIA FOR...

REPORTING THINGS.

>> ANYTHING I SAY THAT'S EVEN SLIGHTLY FALSE, IT'S HEADLINES.

"TRUMP SAID THIS"-- THESE PEOPLE, "HE SAID THIS."

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "EVERY TIME I LIE, THE MEDIA'S

LIKE 'THAT'S A LIE!' I'M LIKE, 'NO LIE.'

WHY CAN'T YOU LIE ABOUT MY LIES?

THESE PEOPLE, WITH THE EARS AND THE FINGERS."

( LAUGHTER ) THE DEBATE AND TRUMP'S SPEECH

WEREN'T THE ONLY NEWS TODAY.

BECAUSE WE'RE ALSO AT THE BRINK OF THE PRESIDENT'S

IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IN THE SENATE.

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "DON AND

THE GIANT IMPEACH."

>> TELL ME WHAT I DID, PLEASE!

LAUZ >> Stephen: WHEN LAST WE MET,

THERE WAS A STANDOFF PITTING HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI

AGAINST SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND GOOGLEY EYES GLUED ON AN

UNCOOKED CHICKEN THIGH, MITCH McCONNELL.

McCONNELL OPPOSES HAVING WITNESSES IN TRUMP'S SENATE

IMPEACHMENT TRIAL, AND IN RESPONSE, PELOSI REFUSED TO SEND

OVER THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT.

BUT NOW SHE'S READY TO MOVE AHEAD, AFTER POINTING OUT ONE

INESCAPABLE TRUTH: >> THIS PRESIDENT IS IMPEACHED

FOR LIFE, REGARDLESS OF ANY GAMESMANSHIP ON THE PART OF

MITCH McCONNELL.

THERE IS NOTHING THE SENATE CAN DO THAT CAN EVER ERASE THAT.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I CAN'T ERASE IT, BUT IF I USE

MY MAGIC MARKER I CAN CHANGE IT TO THE 'FARTICLES OF

IMPOOP-MENT.' ( LAUGHTER )

LEGACY SECURE, NANCE."

( LAUGHTER ) HIGH-BROW JOKES!

( APPLAUSE ) I LOVE IT.

COME ON!

ON, MARK YOUR CALENDARS, BECAUSE TODAY MITCH McCONNELL ANNOUNCED

THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL WILL START NEXT TUESDAY.

TO WHICH THE PRESIDENT RESPONDED:

(AS TRUMP) "I'M SORRY, MITCH, THAT DOESN'T

WORK FOR ME.

I HAVE SOMETHING ON TUESDAY, IT SAYS HERE: TACO."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.