IN THE RIVER OF NEWS FOR THE BIGGEST, SHINIEST GOLDEN NEWS

NUGGETS TO PUT IN MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO STRAP TOGETHER A BUNCH OF STOLEN

COMPUTERS, THROW THEM IN A BASEMENT WITH AN ILLEGAL HOOKUP

TO THE MUNICIPAL POWER SOURCE, AND MINE FOR BITCOIN, WHICH I

USE TO FORM THE BLACK MARKET FIAT CURRENCY OF NEWS THAT IS MY

SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"

( APPLAUSE ) THAT IS IT, BABY.

THAT'S IT.

NAILED THE LANDING.

NAILED THE LANDING.

MEANWHILE, THE REALITY SHOW "THE BACHELOR" IS GETTING A

MUSICAL SPIN-OFF SERIES, WHICH THEY DESCRIBE AS A MIX BETWEEN

"THE BACHELOR" AND "A STAR IS BORN."

REALLY?

"A STAR IS BORN?" HAVE YOU SEEN THAT FILM?

THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY IS GOING TO BE VERY DARK.

MEANWHILE-- >> Jon: SPOILER ALERT.

>> Stephen: IT WASN'T MY METAPHOR.

MEANWHILE, A NEW SHOW CALLED "MURDER HOUSE FLIP" FIXES

UP HOMES WHERE MURDERS HAVE HAPPENED.

I'M ALL IN.

I'LL WATCH ANYTHING WITH "MURDER HOUSE" IN THE TITLE.

MY FAVORITE SHOW IS "MURDER, SHE HOUSED."

NOW, FOLKS, IF "MURDER HOUSE" SOUNDS LIKE THE KIND OF THING A

COMEDY WRITER WHO WATCHES TOO MUCH HGTV WOULD COME UP WITH AS

A JOKE, THAT MIGHT BE BECAUSE SIX YEARS

AGO, MY EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, TOM PURCELL-- WHO WATCHES WAY

TOO MUCH HGTV-- THOUGHT OF IT WHILE TRYING TO IMAGINE THE

WORST HOME RENOVATION SHOW HE COULD.

IT BECAME SUCH A JOKE AROUND THE OFFICE-- AND THIS IS ABSOLUTELY

TRUE-- THAT FOR CHRISTMAS, SOME STAFFERS HAD A "MURDER HOUSE"

FLEECE MADE FOR HIM AS IF IT WERE A REAL SHOW.

NOW, TOM, CAN YOU BELIEVE "MURDER HOUSE" IS NOW A REAL

THING?

>> I'M AFRAID I CAN, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: NOW, THAT THING YOU'RE WEARING, IS THAT THE

FLEECE?

>> YES, IT IS.

>> Stephen: SO, WHERE DID YOU FIRST GET THE IDEA FOR

"MURDER HOUSE?" >> WELL, ONE DAY I URGENTLY HAD

TO RENOVATE MY HOUSE, AND IT JUST CAME TO ME.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: WAS THERE A REASON YOUR HOUSE URGENTLY NEEDED A

SUDDEN RENOVATION?

>> YES, THERE WAS.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: MEANWHILE, FOOTAGE

WENT VIRAL THIS WEEK OF A CUTTLEFISH IN A STUDY AT THE

UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA THAT HAS BEEN FITTED WITH 3D GLASSES.

FINALLY!

CUTTLEFISH WILL BE ABLE TO ENJOY "HOBBS & SHAW" THE WAY IT WAS

MEANT TO BE SEEN.

THE SCIENTISTS SHOWED THE CUTTLEFISH ANIMATED 3D SHRIMP,

AND THE FISH ATTACKED THEM THE SAME WAY THEY WOULD REAL ONES.

THE RESULTS WILL BE PUBLISHED IN THE PRESTIGIOUS "NEW ENGLAND

JOURNAL OF PUNKING CEPHALAPODS."

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THE CONSUMER

ELECTRONICS SHOW IS STILL GOING ON IN LAS VEGAS WHERE CHARMIN,

OF ALL BRANDS, UNVEILED SOME NEW TECH, SOMETHING CALLED

"V.I.PEE," A PREMIUM PORTA POTTY EXPERIENCE, ENHANCED WITH AN

OCULUS RIFT VIRTUAL-REALITY HEADSET.

BECAUSE THAT'S EVERYONE'S FIRST THOUGHT WHENEVER I ENTER A PORTA

POTTY: "HOW CAN I SPEND MORE TIME IN HERE?"

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE GREAT LAURA DERN.