ARTFULLY CARVING, PLANING, AND POLISHING THE SPRUCE AND WILLOW

WOOD OF TODAY'S NEWS, STRINGING IT WITH THE ALLOY-TREATED

SYNTHETIC CAT GUT OF THE LATEST HEADLINES, TO CRAFT THE

STRADIVARIUS THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT AFTER THE APPLAUSE DIES DOWN I LIKE TO COLLECT MY ROSES, I

LIKE TO TAKE THAT FIDDLE DOWN TO MEMAW'S CELLAR, BANG ON AN

OVERTURNED BASIN, SCRAPE THE OLD WASHBOARD, AND FINISH OFF THE

BATHTUB MOONSHINE OF THE DAY'S SMALLER STORIES SO I CAN HOLLER

THEM BACK AT YOU IN THE BAREFOOT JUGBAND HOEDOWN OF A SEGMENT

THAT I CALL: "MEANWHILE!"

DID GIVES AND IT GIVES.

IT'S A BOTTOMLESS WELL OF JOY "MEANWHILE."

MEANWHILE, A FLORIDA TRAFFIC STOP LED TO TWO NARCOTICS

ARRESTS AFTER POLICE FOUND A BAG CONTAINING DRUGS IN THE CAR.

THE TIP-OFF?

THE BAG WAS LABELED "BAG FULL OF DRUGS."

( LAUGHTER ) AND THEY WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY

WITH IT, IF NOT FOR THEIR GETAWAY VEHICLE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

MEANWHILE, "YOUTUBE HAS REVEALED ITS AD REVENUES FOR THE FIRST

TIME," AND IT'S A WHOPPING "$15 BILLION A YEAR."

NOW, YOU MAY ASK HOW YOUTUBE IS RAKING IN SUCH AN INSANE AMOUNT

OF MONEY, BUT THE FACT-- NO, NO!

NOT THE YOUTUBE AD COUNTDOWN THING!

NO!

>> HEAD STUCK IN A DRAWER?

YOU NEED DRAWER FRESHENER, THE ONLY NON-F.D.A.

APPR--" >> Stephen: YES, SKIP AD.

THANK YOU.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHY DO THEY-- WHY DO THEY ALWAYS

SHOW ME THAT ONE AD?

I GOOGLED "HEAD STUCK IN A DRAWER" ONE TIME.

MANWHILE, A TEAM OF SCIENTISTS BELIEVE YARN GROWN FROM HUMAN

SKIN COULD SOON BE USED TO STITCH UP SURGICAL PATIENTS AND

REPAIR ORGANS.

THE HEAD OF THE TEAM WAS QUOTED AS SAYING, "AND IT'S DEFINITELY

NOT FOR MAKING HUMAN CENTIPEDES, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A BUNCH OF

THE SKIN BACK TO MY BASEMENT HOME LAB.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT WORTH WORRYING ABOUT?

MISSING HITCHHIKERS."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE RESEARCHERS SAY THEIR "HUMAN

TEXTILE," WHICH THEY DEVELOPED FROM SKIN CELLS, CAN BE USED FOR

KNITTING, SEWING, AND EVEN CROCHET, AND CAN AID A NUMBER OF

MEDICAL PROCEDURES."

WAIT.

AND CAN AID IN MEDICAL PROCEDURES?

THAT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE THE PRIMARY PURPOSE IS REGULAR

KNITTING AND CROCHET.

"OHHH, I'M JUST MAKING ANOTHER SKIN SCARF FOR JOEY.

I WORRY THAT OFF IN COLLEGE HE'S NOT STAYING CREEPY ENOUGH."

GOTTA REMEMBER TO REFRIGERATE THAT."

MEANWHILE, "ROBERT PATTINSON IS THE HOTTEST MAN IN THE WORLD,

ACCORDING TO MATH."

THE CALCULATIONS WERE PERFORMED BY THE RENOWNED RESEARCH TEAM OF

BECCA AND HAILEY.

( LAUGHTER ) PATTINSON'S NUMBER-ONE HOTTIE

STATUS ACTUALLY COMES FROM PLASTIC SURGEON JULIAN DE SILVA,

WHO MADE HIS DETERMINATION USING SOMETHING CALLED "THE

GOLDEN RATIO OF BEAUTY PHI," AN ANCIENT FORMULA THAT IS WIDELY

USED TO MEASURE PHYSICAL PERFECTION.

GREAT JOB, DR. DE SILVA.

HISTORICALLY, IF YOU'RE CALCULATING PHYSICAL PERFECTION

USING A FORMULA, YOU'RE ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS.

( LAUGHTER ) AS DE SILVA POINTS OUT, LEONARDO

DA VINCI USED "BEAUTY PHI" WHEN DRAWING THE VITRUVIAN MAN.

YES, FAMOUS SMOKE SHOW, THE VITRUVIAN MAN.

I MEAN, JUST LOOK.

AT.

HOW.

HOT.

HE.

IS!

MMM!

I MEAN YOU COULD JUST-- YEAH!

( APPLAUSE ) YOU COULD JUST LOSE YOURSELF IN

THAT CAVERNOUS EYE SOCKET.

MEANWHILE, "RED LOBSTER HAS RELEASED HEART-SHAPED BOXES OF

CHEDDAR BAY BISCUITS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

I LOVE WHEN FOOD COMES IN A PACKAGE THAT'S THE SHAPE OF THE

THING IT'S GOING TO DESTROY.

THAT'S WHY-- ( APPLAUSE )

THAT'S WHY I EXCLUSIVELY DRINK "DR. CIRRHOSIS' LIVER-SHAPED

BOURBON."

MEANWHILE, DOMINO'S PIZZA HAS DEBUTED A ONE-OF-A-KIND

PIZZA-THEMED ENGAGEMENT RING-- PERFECT FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO

GUARANTEE THE END OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP IN 30 MINUTES OR

LESS.

( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JAMES

TAYLOR.