FOLKS, NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN ORIGINALLY FROM BOGOTA,

COLOMBIA.

PLEASE WELCOME PEDRO GONZALEZ!

♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

>> THANK YOU.

I AM THE FIFTH PEDRO GONZALEZ IN MY FAMILY.

BUT I AM THE FIRST ONE WHO GETS TO SPEAK INTO A MICROPHONE

WITHOUT PLEXIGLASS IN FRONT.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

THAT'S A GOOD THING!

THANK YOU.

WHEN I WAS BORN, MY MOM WAS 16, AND MY DAD WAS 26.

SO I AM MY MOM'S FIRSTBORN, AND MY DAD'S FIRST FELONY.

( LAUGHTER ) JUST KIDDING.

JUST KIDDING.

HE'D BEEN TO JAIL BEFORE.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S A CUTE JOKE!

( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE A HOOK NOSE.

SO WHEN I WAS A CHILD MIERK MOM WOULD MASSAGE MY NOSE EVERY

NIGHT FOR FIVE MINUTES TO MAKE IT STRAIGHT.

SO, LIKE, IF YOU GET REALLY, REALLY, REALLY CLOSE TO ME AND

YOU LOOK, YOU'LL SEE I HAVE A VERY LITTLE SELF-ESTEEM.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP IN COLOMBIA, THEY DID A COLOMBIAN

VERSION OF "WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?"

BUT THEY FORGOT MILLIONS AND PESOS AND DOLLARS IS VERY

DIFFERENT.

SO THE FIRST CONTESTANT THEY EVER HAD, WON 300,000 MILLION

PESOS.

THE NEXT DAY THEY HAD TO CHANGE THE NAME OF THE GAME TO, "WHO

WANTS TO GET KIDNAPPED RIGHT AFTER THE SHOW?"

( APPLAUSE ) JUST ONE EPISODE.

( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE MUSIC.

I THINK MUSIC CREATES MEMORIES THAT YOU NEVER FORGET, LIKE THE

FIRST TIME YOU DID SOMETHING.

LIKE, DO YOU GUYS, FOR EXAMPLE, REMEMBER THE EXACT SONG THAT WAS

PLAYING THE MOMENT WHEN YOU LOST YOUR... NIECE AT THE MALL?

FOR ME, IT WAS FELIZ NAVIDAD.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

I GOT A MASTERS IN LITERATURE WHEN I WAS ONLY 22.

AND I GOT A JOB TEACHING COLLEGE.

BUT BECAUSE I WAS SO IMMATURE, I MADE A MISTAKE.

I SLEPT WITH ONE OF MY STUDENTS.

BUT IT WAS A COMMUNITY COLLEGE, AND SHE WAS 47.

SO...

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

WHO TOOK ADVANTAGE OF WHOM, REALLY?

( LAUGHTER ) I THINK I WAS THE VICTIM.

SHE DIDN'T BREAK THE LAW, BUT SHE BROKE MY HEART.

I... I HAVE DONE ONLINE DATING.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK ONLINE DATING IS WEIRD, BUT TO ME

ONLINE DATING IS JUST LIKE LOOKING FOR A JOB ON THE

INTERNET, YOU KNOW?

I SEND OUT 100 APPLICATIONS, AND NOBODY REPLIES BECAUSE MY NAME

IS PEDRO.

AND THE FIRST THING THAT WOMEN POST ONLINE IS THEY WON'T EVEN

GO ON A DATE WITH YOU IF YOU'RE BELOW SIX FEET.

IT'S LIKE, HAVE YOU LADIES NOT READ ABOUT THE ONLINE DATING

KILLER IN THE NEWS LAST WEEK-- SIX FOOT, SUPER JACKED.

IT'S SO DANGEROUS TO GO OUT WITH A GUY LIKE THAT.

I STARTED USING THAT TO MY ADVANTAGE AND POSTING MY HEIGHT

AND WEIGHT-- 5'8", 145 POUNDS, AND TOO WEAK TO STRANGLE ANYONE.

HASHTAG LITTLE SPOON.

( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

EVER SINCE I MOVED TO THE UNITED STATES, I'VE ONLY DATED WHITE

WOMEN.

AND MY BLACK AND LATINO FRIENDS GET MAD.

"WHAT ARE YOU RACIST?

YOU DON'T LIKE US?" I SAID, "NO, I'M SO BLAND, YOU

GUYS DON'T LIKE ME."

WHITE WOMEN ARE THE ONLY ONES I CAN TRICK INTO THINKING I HAVE

FLAVOR.

I'M LIKE THE WHICH CHIPOTLE OF D JUST CHEDDAR, REALLY.

JUST CHEDDAR.

BUT I FOUND SOMEONE.

SHE HAD THIS BEAUTIFUL APARTMENT IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN THEY MOVED

INTO FOR THE TIME WE DATED.

THE FIRST TIME I MOVED IT, I HAD TO MEET HER FATHER.

HHE SAID, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, I DON'T LIKE HISPANICS

BECAUSE YOU COME TO THIS COUNTRY AND LIVE OFF THE GOVERNMENT.

I SAID, SIR, I'LL YOU HAVE KNOW I'M HISPANIC AND I DON'T LIVE

OFF THE GOVERNMENT.

I LIVE OFF YOUR DAUGHTER.

SO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

LAST MONTH, I WAS AT THE MIAMI AIRPORT.

I WAS TRYING TO CATCH A CONNECTION TO GO HOME, AND I WAS

LATE.

SO I GOT INTO ONE OF THE MOVING WALKWAYS AND STARTING TAPPING

PEOPLE SAYING, PLEASE, LET ME THROUGH."

I TAPPED THIS BIG GUY AND HE DIDN'T LIKE IT.

HE SAID, "I'M NOT GOING TO MOVE."

I SAID, "IT'S CROWDED."

HE SAID, "IT'S CROILDED BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU, GO BACK TO

YOUR COUNTRY."

AND I SAID, "THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO, BUT YOU'RE

BLOCKING ME."

AND HE SAID, "I'LL HELP YOU GET UP THERE."

HE PICKED UP MY SUITCASE, WALKED ME TO THE GATE AND WAVED

GOODBYE.

AND THAT'S WHY I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.

EVERYONE IS SO NICE!

MY NAME IS PEDRO GONZALEZ.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

>> Stephen: TOUR DATES ARE POSTED ON HIS WEBSITE

pedrogonzalezcomedy.com.

PEDRO GONZALEZ, EVERYBODY!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.