I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

SO GOOD TO TO BE BACK.

I'VE MISSED THESE PEOPLE.

THIS WEEKEND, DEMOCRATS DID SOMETHING THAT ONCE SEEMED

UNIMAGINABLE: THEY COUNTED THE VOTES IN A CAUCUS.

( LAUGHTER ) I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN

TONIGHT'S-- >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.

>> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.

DONALD TRUMP'S WORST NIGHTMARE.

>> WE'RE AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS.

>> MADE A LOT OF MONEY.

CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE.

YOU KNOW WHO NUMBER ONE IS?

TRUMP!

>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE."

2020!

>> WITNESS ME!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TONIGHT, BACK ON

THE FURY ROAD.

>> Jon: THAT HEAD BUTT.

>> Stephen: TONIGHT ON THE VROOM-VROOM SHOUT FACE, NEVADA

CAUCUS, AND IT'S RUNAWAY WINNER VERMONT SENATOR AND

ANCIENT JOHN MULANEY, BERNIE SANDERS.

SANDERS WAS COMING OFF SLIM POPULAR VOTE VICTORIES IN IOWA

AND NEW HAMPSHIRE, BUT BERNIE WON NEVADA WITH 46% OF THE VOTE,

INCLUDING A DIVERSE COALITION OF IMMIGRANTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS,

LATINA MOTHERS, YOUNGER BLACK VOTERS, WHITE LIBERALS AND EVEN

SOME MODERATES.

AND BECAUSE IT WAS NEVADA, HE ALSO PICKED UP VOTES FROM

BLACKJACK DEALERS, CIRQUE DU SOLEIL, AND THAT GUY SITTING

ALONE AT THE PRIME RIB BUFFET MUTTERING "HOW AM I GONNA

TELL MARJORIE?" ( LAUGHTER )

BERNIE CELEBRATED HIS NEVADA WIN BY CONTRASTING HIS MOVEMENT WITH

TRUMP'S.

>> THEY THINK THEY ARE GOING TO WIN THIS ELECTION BY DIVIDING

OUR PEOPLE UP BASED ON THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN OR WHERE

THEY WERE BORN OR THEIR RELIGION OR THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATION.

WE ARE GOING TO WIN BECAUSE WE ARE DOING EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE.

>> STEPHEN: (AS BERNIE) "WHAT I'M SAYING IS:

MULTI-RACIAL, MULTIGENERATIONAL ORGY AT MY PLACE!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I PROMISE, YOU WILL FEEL THE

BERN."

( CHEERING ) ( LAUGHTER )

"AND THE BERN WILL FEEL YOU!" ( LAUGHTER )

THE NEVADA RESULTS WERE ALSO A BOOST FOR THE FLAGGING CAMPAIGN

OF JOE BIDEN, WHO CAME IN SECOND WITH 20% OF THE VOTE, AND

TOLD SUPPORTERS THAT JOE-MENTUM IS BACK!

>> YOU PUT ME IN A POSITION-- YOU KNOW, THE PRESS IS READY TO

DECLARE PEOPLE DEAD QUICKLY, BUT WE'RE ALIVE AND WE'RE COMING

BACK AND WE'RE GOING TO WIN.

>> STEPHEN: BRAGGING THAT YOU'RE ALIVE MAY NOT BE THE MOST

STIRRING CAMPAIGN RALLYING CRY.

"FOLKS, WE'RE BREATHING ON OUR OWN.

THE TUBES ARE OUT, THE PANTS ARE ON, AND THIS MORNING, I ATE A

WHOLE THING OF APPLESAUCE!

NOW SPONGE-BATHE ME AND ROLL ME --

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NOW SPONGE-BATHE ME AND ROLL ME TOWARDS SOUTH CAROLINA!"

HERE WE GO!

( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, WRONG WAY, LET'S GO,

GUYS.

COME ON!

THANK YOU.

A LOT OF MODERATE DEMOCRATS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT HAVING A

DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST AT THE TOP OF THE TICKET.

LAST NIGHT, "60 MINUTES" AIRED AN INTERVIEW WITH BERNIE AND HE

DIDN'T DO MUCH TO PUT HIS CRITICS AT EASE.

>> WE'RE VERY OPPOSED TO THE AUTHORITARIAN NATURE OF CUBA,

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S UNFAIR TO SIMPLY SAY EVERYTHING IS BAD.

YOU KNOW?

WHEN FIDEL CASTRO CAME INTO OFFICE, YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?

HE HAD A MASSIVE LITERACY PROGRAM.

IS THAT A BAD THING?

EVEN THOUGH FIDEL CASTRO DID IT?

>> STEPHEN: WHAT, NO-- BERNIE ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL

EVERYONE AT MSNBC?

YOU SOUND LIKE FIDEL CASTRO'S MOM.

"NOW I KNOW FIDEL DID A LOT OF MURDER, BUT LOOK AT THIS

MACARONI PICTURE HE MADE IN THE THIRD GRADE.

THESE LITTLE ROTINI DOWN HERE ARE THE GRAVES OF HIS ENEMIES."

( LAUGHTER ) WRIF RIFF

BUT BERNIE DID TRY AN ODD PIVOT WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE CENTRAL

PLATFORM OF HIS CAMPAIGN.

>> A LOT OF VOTERS ARE VOTING FOR CANDIDATES WHO AREN'T

CALLING FOR MEDICARE FOR ALL, WHO AREN'T CALLING FOR A

REVOLUTION.

IS EVERYBODY REALLY WANTING A REVOLUTION LIKE THAT?

>> YEAH, LET'S GO EASY ON THE WORD REV-- POLITICAL

REVOLUTION, YOU KNOW?

WE'RE-- WE'RE TRYING TO FOLLOW-- >> YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S USING

THE WORD.

>> WELL, BUT, YOU KNOW-- I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO OVERSTATE.

>> STEPHEN: WHAT?!

RAFF LAUGH NOW YOU DON'T WANT US TO

OVERSTATE THE WORD REVOLUTION?

THAT'S YOUR WHOLE BRAND.

THIS IS LIKE NIKE SUDDENLY CHANGING THEIR SLOGAN TO "JUST

DON'T OVERDO IT."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

Y>> Jon: YEAH, JUST DO IT!

JUST SLIGHTLY.

JUST A LITTLE BIT ♪ ♪ OH, JUST A LITTLE BIT ♪

>> Stephen: AT ONE POINT BERNIE GOT A

LITTLE SASSY.

>> ONE OF THE CRITICS OF YOU IN THE SENATE, JOE BIDEN, HAS SAID

THAT YOU NEVER GOT ANYTHING DONE.

AMY KLOBUCHAR HAS BEEN-- ARE YOU GETTING MAD?

>> I'M NOT MAD.

JUST SILENTLY HISSING, THAT'S ALL.

(LAUGHTER) >> STEPHEN: I KNOW BERNIE HAD A

HEART ATTACK, BUT IS HE ALSO DEFLATING?

(AS BERNIE) "THE TOP 1% OF THE--

SSSSSSS-- SOMEBODY GET MY PUMP!" "PUMP ME UP!

SOMEBODY!" ( LAUGHTER )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: PUMP IT UP!

( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )

OH, YEAH, GOOD BUDDY.

>> Stephen: WHILE THE DEMOCRATS BATTLE IT

OUT BACK HOME, TRUMP IS ABROAD IN INDIA.

HERE HE IS GIVING PRIME MINISTER NARENDRA MODI THE TRADITIONAL

AMERICAN GREETING OF SLIDING YOUR HAND INSIDE SOMEONE'S

CLOTHES.

( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)

"WE'VE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER A SHORT WHILE, BUT I THINK WE'RE

READY FOR UNDER THE VEST STUFF."

( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP'S FIRST STOP WAS AT THE

HOME OF MAHATMA GANDHI, WHERE HE GOT THE CHANCE TO SPIN A REPLICA

OF THE WHEEL THAT GANDHI USED TO MAKE HIS OWN CLOTHES.

THAT'S LOVELY.

NOW HE KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO WORK IN ONE OF IVANKA'S

FACTORIES.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

>> Jon: PUTTING IT OUT THERE, HUH?

THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: THE DAY'S BIG EVENT WAS A GIANT

POLITICAL RALLY FOR THE PRESIDENT CALLED "NAMASTE

TRUMP."

WHICH I REALLY HOPE MEANS HE HAD TO PUBLICLY DO YOGA.

(AS TRUMP) "FIRST, I GO DOWNWARD, LIKE A

DOG!

NOW, A SUN SALUTATION: HI, ERIC!"

A ( LAUGHTER )

"NAMASTE TRUMP" WAS MODI'S WAY OF THANKING TRUMP FOR A RALLY IN

SEPTEMBER, WHEN TRUMP JOINED THE PRIME MINISTER IN TEXAS FOR AN

EVENT CALLED "HOWDY MODI!" ( LAUGHTER )

WHICH WENT A LOT BETTER THAN TRUMP'S EVENT WITH THE CHINESE

PRESIDENT, "THAT'S WHAT XI SAID."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

( PIANO RIFF ) TRUMP OPENED HIS SPEECH LIKE

THIS: >> TODAY INDIA WELCOMES US AT

THE WORLD'S LARGEST CRICKET STADIUM RIGHT HERE IN AHMEDABAD.

( CHEERING ) IT IS A PROFOUND HONOR TO BE THE

BEAUTIFUL NEW STADIUM.

>> STEPHEN: YES, HE JUST SAID, "IT IS A PROFOUND HONOR TO BE

THE BEAUTIFUL NEW STADIUM."

( LAUGHTER ) HE USED TO JUST PUT HIS NAME ON

BUILDINGS.

NOW HE WANTS TO BE THEM.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

IT'S A STROKER.

IT'S A CHIN STROKER.

OF COURSE, BECAUSE HE WAS IN INDIA, TRUMP HAD TO PROVE THAT

ENGLISH ISN'T THE ONLY LANGUAGE HE STRUGGLES WITH:

>> NAMASTE.

THE PRIDE OF GUJARAT.

SOME OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST CRICKET PLAYERS FROM SUE CHIN

TENDLEKUR.

AS THE GREAT RELIGIOUS TEACHER SWAMI VIVEKANANDA ONCE SAID--

( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: YES, SWAMI

VI-VAY-KUNUNDUNDE ONCE SAID, "THAT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HOW

YOU PRONOUNCE MY NAME."

LATER IN THE DAY, TRUMP VISITED THE TAJ MAHAL, WHICH WAS THE

MODEL FOR ONE OF TRUMP'S INFAMOUS FAILED ATLANTIC CITY

CASINOS.

(AS TRUMP) "IN HONOR OF THE TAJ MAHAL, I'D

LIKE TO OFFER THIS TRADITIONAL HINDU PRAYER."

♪ LUCK BE A LADY TONIGHT ♪ ♪ LUCK IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN A

LADY TO BEGIN WITH ♪ ( LAUGHTER )

( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THERE IS ONE CHALLENGE FOR TRUMP IN INDIA BECAUSE MODI IS A

DEVOTED VEGETARIAN AND PLANS TO SERVE VEGETARIAN FOOD TO THE

PRESIDENT.

OH, MY GOD.

WE'RE GOING TO WAR WITH INDIA.

( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW I LOVE TALKING SPORTS,

IT'S KIND OF MY THING, -- I TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.

WE EDIT IT OUT BUT MOSTLY I TALK ABOUT SPORTS --

AND TODAY WE'VE GOT AN INSPIRING STORY FROM THE WORLD OF HOCKEY.

IN SATURDAY NIGHT'S N.H.L. GAME BTWEEN THE CAROLINA HURRICANES

AND THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS, THE TWO HURRICANES GOALIES GOT

INJURED.

SO THEY CALLED ON THE ZAMBONI DRIVER TO BE THEIR EMERGENCY

GOALIE, AND HE WON HIS N.H.L.

DEBUT!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE WON!

UNBELIEVABLE!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!

( APPLAUSE ) HE WON

WITH HELP FROM HIS SIGNATURE MOVE: PARKING THE ZAMBONI IN

FRONT OF THE GOAL.

( LAUGHTER ) BIG D.

THE HOCKEY HERO IS NAMED DAVID AYRES, AND HE'S NOT JUST A

ZAMBONI DRIVER, HE'S ALSO AN ARENA MAINTENANCE WORKER.

HERE'S A VIDEO FROM THE LOCKER ROOM AFTER THE WIN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

THAT'S SO LOVELY.

THAT'S SO NICE.

THEY DO KNOW HE HAS TO CLEAN ALL THAT UP, RIGHT?

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, AND-- OWW.

OW.

OH!

I PULLED MY HAMSTRING.

I DON'T THINK I CAN FINISH.

>> Jon: OH, NO.

>> DON'T WORRY, STEPHEN, I GOT YOU!

>> Stephen: IT'S DAVID AYRES!

ZAMBONI HOCKEY HERO DAVID AYRES, EVERYBODY!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

DAVID!

DAVID!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DAVID, I'VE PULLED MY HAMSTRING,

CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?

>> I'LL FINISH UP.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

WHEN WE COME BACK, WARREN CHECKS BLOOMBERG INTO THE BOARDS!

STICK AROUND!

>> STEPHEN: WOOOOO!