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  • -Thank you!

  • Oh, my gosh. It's so exciting to be here.

  • I've had an amazing year. I got engaged.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, thank you.

  • Thank you. It did not work out.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Just good to have numbers on the board.

  • You know what I mean?

  • It's okay. It wasn't that sad.

  • The ring, it felt weird.

  • It kept getting caught on stuff, like sweaters and my freedom.

  • It was, uh... [ Laughter ]

  • ...very cumbersome.

  • But, you know, it just wasn't the right fit.

  • Didn't work out with me and my ex-fiance,

  • which is the most annoying word to say, by the way.

  • It sounds like a spell.

  • Just like, "Ex-fiance!"

  • [ Laughter ] It's terrible.

  • Sound like Hermione up here.

  • Just like, "It's not ex-fiance, it's ex-fiansuh."

  • Like, "Ugh!

  • 50 points from Gryffindor. You are the worst."

  • I did like being engaged, though.

  • I didn't expect to like it that much.

  • But something happens. When you slip that ring

  • on your finger, something in your stupid lady lizard brain

  • goes, "Br-br-br-br-br-br! Level completed."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And you just kind of float through Target, like, "Oh!

  • Am I better than everybody?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "What's that? No, I don't need help.

  • Someone loves me." [ Laughter ]

  • I'll find the towels, right after I cancel therapy."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I'm all fixed."

  • The nice thing -- I got to be honest --

  • I got a lot of advice from people,

  • and a lot of people told me not to do it.

  • So many people were like, "I got married at 25.

  • Don't know if I'd do that again."

  • I'm like, "Aren't you guys still together?"

  • They're like, "Yeah!" [ Laughter ]

  • "Yeah, we are." [ Chuckles ]

  • Lot of people told me not to get married in my 20s at all

  • because you change too much in your 20s.

  • And that's true, you do. But you're gonna change a lot

  • throughout the rest of your life,

  • which is why I think, no matter what age you get married at,

  • instead of bridesmaids, they should just line up

  • every crappy version of you that they might have to deal with

  • at some point so that they can say "I do" to everyone.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, it's like --

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • It's like, "These are my bridesmaids --

  • unemployed Taylor, depressed Taylor,

  • and here's my maid of honor, vegan Taylor."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • She's gonna be super annoying for like three years.

  • Then you're gonna go on a road trip.

  • There's gonna be nowhere to stop but a burger joint.

  • She's gonna take one bite, and be like, "You know what?

  • I do feel better." [ Laughter ]

  • "I was tired. I was tired."

  • I had a woman at one of my shows yell at me from the audience.

  • She goes, "You should really wait till you're 27

  • to get married, because that's when your frontal lobe

  • has finished developing in your brain.

  • That's when your brain's done. 27."

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • Yeah, what a mean fact to yell at someone who's not 27.

  • Just like, "Oh, you think you're happy, Scarecrow?

  • Why don't you wait till the Wizard gets you a brain. Ha!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I've been drinking since noon. Make me laugh."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But I googled it, and that fact is real.

  • And that fact is proof that God is a man.

  • Because who else would finish your boobs

  • years before your brain? That's garbage.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • You're telling me no one up in heaven's like,

  • "Hey, God, are you gonna work on the brain today?

  • 'Cause you keep putting it off, and it seems kind of important."

  • He's like, "These are important!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I'm gonna make one of them bigger for like eight years!

  • Just 'cause." [ Laughter ]

  • I can't believe they let me do that one, either.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The nice thing about calling off a wedding in your 20s

  • is that nobody's that surprised.

  • Nobody thought that you could do anything right to begin with.

  • Nobody expects me to do anything correctly.

  • I'm like, "What can I bring to the potluck, Nana?"

  • She's like, "Napkins. Can you handle that?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Dry ones this time." [ Laughter ]

  • I wanted to be married, though,

  • because I'm not good at being in my 20s.

  • I'm not fun, I don't party.

  • Never been drunk 'cause I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic.

  • Yeah, the only time I've ever wanted to drink

  • is alone in the La Quinta Inn,

  • and I'm told that's when you're not supposed to do it.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Yeah.

  • So I stay away from the stuff.

  • But I have been pulled over for drunk driving, completely sober,

  • which is a great way to find out you're a terrible driver.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When cops are stopping you on the freeway, like,

  • "Are you wasted?"

  • And you're like, "No, officer, that was my best."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • That cop did not believe me, either.

  • He just kept hounding me.

  • He's like, "How much have you had to drink?

  • How much have you had? How much have you had?"

  • And finally, I was just like, "No, officer,

  • you don't understand, okay? I'm not drunk.

  • I've never been drunk. I don't even know how."

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • "I'm a little sad." [ Laughter ]

  • "Is there a sad driving test?"

  • I think there should be one.

  • Like, instead of a breathalyzer,

  • they just have you sigh into a harmonica.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And if it's on pitch, they're like,

  • "Out of the car, Johnny Cash. Can't have you on the road."

  • [ Laughter ] You guys are great!

  • Thank you so much.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -"What can I bring to the pot luck, Nana?"

  • [ Laughs ]

  • Taylor Tomlinson!

  • Oh, fantastic.

  • "Quarter Life Crisis" is available now on Netflix.

-Thank you!

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泰勒-湯姆林森站立式 (Taylor Tomlinson Stand-Up)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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