As you can see, Ellen is not here today--

again.

She's spending Valentine's Day with the love of her life,

her beautiful Porsche.

She loves that car.

Also, her beautiful wife Portia as well.

But you're in good hands because this is actually my second time

guest hosting this show.

And I've been here this season almost as much

as Ellen DeGeneres.

You know, last time I was here I was promoting my Christmas

album, A Legendary Christmas.

And--

[CHEERING]

I was kind of hoping it would be the next huge Christmas album.

But then in November, Mariah Carey,

she posted this on Instagram to let everyone know that she's

still the queen of Christmas.

[YAWN]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Santa!

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.

It's time.

Whoo!

[MUSIC - MARIAH CAREY, "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU"]

(SINGING) I don't want a lot for Christmas.

You know what?

Mariah's right.

She's the queen of Christmas.

It's true.

But you know what?

There are plenty of other holidays on the calendar.

So I decided I would like to be the king of Arbor Day.

Arbor Day, yes.

Only issue is it turns out I don't have

a lot of songs about trees.

I mean, I have one called "Get Lifted,"

but I don't really have a lot of songs about trees.

I do have a lot of love songs, though.

Yeah!

So I decided to make a video to position myself to be

the king of Valentine's Day.

[CHEERING]

[YAWN]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Cupid.

Hello, John.

It's time!

Whoo!

[MUSIC - JOHN LEGEND, "CONVERSATIONS IN THE DARK"]

(SINGING) I will never try to change you, change you.

I will always want the same you, same you.

Swear on everything I pray to.

Yes!

That's the David Guetta remix of my new song

"Conversations in the Dark."

And it turns out that my claim to be king of Valentine's Day,

it actually worked out, because I just saw this headline.

Apparently, my song "All of Me" is the number one song

for lovers on Spotify.

That means a whole lot of people have made love with me

in the room.

When people are looking for love, they turn to me.

So I thought I should help someone in the audience

be a little more sexy for this Valentine's Day.

What do you guys think?

Yeah!

How about you, sir?

Come here.

You right there in the beard.

Yes.

Welcome!

How you doing?

Hello!

All right.

What's your name?

Matt Bond.

Seriously?

That's your name?

Seriously.

Well, it's already pretty sexy.

I feel like if you introduced yourself as, you know,

Bond, Matt Bond--

Bond, Matt Bond.

Yeah!

There you are, way sexier!

Now, are you married?

I am.

Do you have kids?

I do.

How many kids?

Four.

Whoa!

You might not need any help being sexier.

Perhaps you're a little too sexy, Matt Bond.

Now are you rich or famous?

No.

OK, this is going to be a little harder, then.

But I do have some tips to help you out.

First, they say clothes make the man.

True, right?

Could be.

Nothing looks better than a sharp jacket.

So I got you this jacket.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Yes.

This is what we call a smoking jacket.

And it makes you look smoking hot, Matt Bond.

How about Hugh Hefner?

Yes, yes, yes.

And of course, you should also serenade your wife.

I do that to my wife.

You could sing my number one song for lovers, "All of Me,"

of course.

Or you could sing my new song, "Conversations in the Dark."

Let's hear you sing something sexy.

Oh, man.

Uh-- blank.

How about, "Row, Row, Row Your Boat?"

I'm not sure how sexy that is.

Row your boat?

OK, that's enough singing from you.

Actually, you could just get her my album and that'll help.

I'll be there in the room when you guys are making baby number

five.

And I don't know if you heard, but I'm going on tour.

Oh.

I'm going on tour, guys.

All right!

Woo-hoo!

It's called The Bigger Love Tour.

The tickets are on sale today.

It's the perfect Valentine's Day gift.

And I want to invite you and your wife, Matt,

to come see us in concert.

Look at that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And we're going to have a great time.

We'll see you then.

And next, I think it's time to set the mood, you know?

You've got the music.

But you also need some wine.

What are your thoughts?

Wine is good.

It is.

So I recommend--

A sweet wine, please.

A sweet wine?

OK.

I recommend my wine, LVE Wine.

OK.

OK.

Now, this is the sexiest wine on the planet, y'all.

What you want to do is pour two glasses

and then drink both of them yourself to loosen things up.

And then when your wife gets home, pour two more glasses--

one for you, one for your wife.

And here, we might as well pop it open.

[POP]

Whoo!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey!

You know, that happens every time you pop a LVE bottle open.

Music comes on.

The lights dim a little bit.

And you get in the groove?

Yeah, you get in the groove.

So you got the look.

You got the gifts.

You got the wine.

Now all you need are some sexy moves.

Oh.

Yeah.

We've got--

Is that good?

We've got a perfect dance consultant for you.

We're going to bring tWitch out.

And tWitch is going to help you dance a little bit.

All right, Matt.

Enjoy.

Thank you.

Here you go.

[MUSIC - OUTKAST, "THE WAY YOU MOVE"]

(SINGING) But I know you all wanted that 808.

Can you feel that B-A-S-S, bass?

But I know you all wanted that 808.

Can you feel that B-A-S-S, bass?

I like the way you move.

I like the way you move.

I love the way you move.

I love the way, I love the way, I love the way you move.

I love the way you move.

I love the way you move.