SO NICE TO BE HERE.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

I AM -- I'M JUST THRILLED TO BE IN THE COMPANY OF ADULTS.

BECAUSE I'M A STAY AT HOME DAD AND I HAVE A FOUR-YEAR-OLD SON

AND IT'S TOUGH BECAUSE HE'S A TRUMP SUPPORTER.

(LAUGHTER) >> YEAH.

I HAVE TO ASSUME, YOU KNOW, HE CAN'T READ, LOVES McDONALD'S.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> EVERY TIME WE PLAY BLOCKS

HE'S LIKE BUILD A WALL.

I'M LIKE COME ON MAN!

TAKE IT EASY!

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T THINK THIS STAY AT HOME DAD IS A REAL JOB

BUT YOU NEED SOME SERIOUS QUALIFICATIONEST.

FOR STARTERS YOU NEED A WIFE WITH A BETTER JOB.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL YOU NEED.

(APPLAUSE) BUT IT IS TOUGH BECAUSE I DON'T

HAVE TO GO TO AN OFFICE BUT EVERY DAY I'M STUCK TRAINING THE

NEW GUY.

AND HE'S AN IDIOT.

HE IS SLOW, AND INCOMPETENT, AND CONSTANTLY HAVING ACCIDENTS IN

THE WORKPLACE.

BUT I CAN'T FIRE HIM BECAUSE HIS MOM IS THE CEO.

(LAUGHTER) >> BUT HAVING ONE KID IS GREAT.

PLAYING WITH THAT ONE KID, MY BIGGEST FEAR GOING INTO

FATHERHOOD WAS THE FEAR OF HAVING TWINS.

NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THAT.

AS LONG AS THEY'RE HEALTHY, YOU'RE LIKE NAW, AS LONG AS

THERE'S ONE.

HEALTH IS RELATIVE, RIGHT?

OF COURSE YOU WANT THEM TO BE HEALTH, BUT HOW HEALTHY DO YOU

WANT THEM TO BE?

I'D LIKE TO HAVE ONE SCRAWNY ASTHMATIC VERSUS A ABOUT TAG

TEEM DUO ANY DAY.

PRAY, NO SERIOUS DEFECTS, CAN HE HAVE TWO HEADS AS LONG AS HE HAS

ZERO SIBLINGS.

TWO MOUTHS TO FEED, IS MANAGEABLE AS LONG AS THEY ARE

TAGGED TO A SINGLE (BLEEP).

MY PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY, I REALIZE THERE'S SOME TWINS THAT

MIGHT BE WATCHING NOW, AND IT'S IMPORTANT TO REALIZE, YOUR

PARENTS ONLY WANTED ONE OF YOU.

(APPLAUSE) >> BUT FOUR IS A GREAT AGE.

IT REALLY IS.

THE FIRST THREE YEARS IS THE TOUGHEST.

I'M GLAD WE'RE THROUGH THE BREAST FEEDING STAGE.

THIS IS WHAT I LEARNED AS A BRAND-NEW DAD, YOU DON'T NEED TO

BE A WOMAN FOR A BABY TO TRY TO NURSE ON YOU.

WHEN THEY'RE HUNGRY ANY NIPPLE IS FAIR GAME.

REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE AT THE BEACH HE WAS SIX MONTHS OLD, I

TOOK MY SHIRT OFF, HE WOULD SIZE ME UP LIKE A GREEDY OIL TYCOON.

THERE IS GOLD IN THEM THAR HILLS, I INTEND TO GET IT.

WHEN I HELD HIM HE STUCK TO MY NECK LIKE A BARN AK L.

ACLE.

TURNS OUT HIKIES ARE NOT SO GOOD.

YOUR SLEEP GOES DOWN THE TUBES.

I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY.

I HAVE A FRIENDS WHO LIVES IN THE SUBURBS.

SO SLEEP DEPRIVED, ON THE WAY HOME FROM WORK EACH DAY, HE

PULSE HIS CAR INTO -- PULLS HIS CAR INTO A PARKING LOT AND

SLEEPS FOR AN HOUR.

I THOUGHT THAT LUCKY SON OF A BITCH!

(APPLAUSE) >> YOU GOT A CAR TO SLEEP AND I

GOT TO SETTLE FOR A TRAIN OR A PARK BENCH LIKE A DAMN HOBO.

I THOUGHT NEW YORK WAS FULL OF JUNKIES AND BUT THOMPSON SQUARE

PARK RIDDLED WITH FATHERS.

I LEFT MY SON IN THE CAR THE OTHER DAY AND I SHOULD PROBABLY

GO BACK AND CHECK ON HIM BUT -- IT WAS LIKE FOR ALL OF 30

SECONDS.

I WAS HALFWAY UP THE BLOCK PUTTING MONEY IN THE METER, THIS

GUY SAYS, YOU BE CAREFUL, SOMEONE MIGHT TAKE HIM.

SOMEONE MIGHT MAKE HIM.

THIS GUY DIDN'T REALIZE, MY SON WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A MELT

DOWN, AND THE CHECK ENGINE LIGHT WAS ON.

WOULD YOU TAKE THE CAR TOO?

MY MOM WOULD ALWAYS CRACK A WINDOW WITH A HOSE RUNNING FROM

THE TAIL PIPE.

BUT SHE WOULD SAY DON'T WORRY IF ANYBODY CREEPY ROLLS AROUND, THE

DOG WILL PROTECT YOU.

THE DOG IS 13 WITH A HEART CONDITION.

IF ANYBODY CREEPY ROLLS AROUND, WE'RE BOTH GOING TO SOIL

OURSELVES.

I THOUGHT IT WAS FUN, YOU WOULD RUN THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS, BRAND

YOURSELF WITH THE CIGARETTE LIGHTER.

THE CAR PARKED NEXT TO US IN THE PARKING LOT, THE SAD OLD MAN

SITTING ALONE, HIS MOM IS TAKING A WHILE.

I BETTER SAVE SOME OF THESE DUNK AROOS FOR A WHILE RIGHT?

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

>> JAMES: DOUG SMITH, EVERYONE!

THE ALBUM IS "BARELY REGAL", OUT NOW.

COME ON BACK EVERYBODY!