CAN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT EVERYONE'S FAVORITE TROUBLED

ROYAL TWOSOME.

BRAD PITT AND JENNIFER ANISTON.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT ALSO MEGHAN AND HARRY, WHO

HAVE DRAGGED BRITAIN INTO "MEGXIT."

OR AS I CALL IT "HARR-ABDICATION."

IT'S GOING TO CATCH ON.

GIVE IT TIME!

I SAY GOOD ON THEM FOR LEAVING.

THE BRITISH PRESS IS DOING TO THIS FAMILY EXACTLY WHAT THEY

DID TO HARRY'S MOTHER, PLUS RACISM.

THE WORLD WAS RIVETED YESTERDAY WHEN HARRY GAVE A SPEECH IN

LONDON, AND SPOKE PUBLICLY FOR THE FIRST TIME ABOUT

HARR-ABDICATION-- SEE?

IT'S ALREADY CATCHING ON.

( LAUGHTER ) AND MADE IT CLEAR THAT THE

TREATMENT OF HIS FAMILY BY THE TABLOIDS HAD BECOME TOO MUCH.

>> IT BRINGS ME GREAT SADNESS THAT IT HAS COME TO THIS.

THE DECISION THAT I HAVE MADE FOR MY WIFE AND I TO STEP BACK

IS NOT ONE I MADE LIGHTLY.

THERE REALLY WAS NO OTHER OPTION.

I HOPE THAT HELPS YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IT HAD COME TO THAT I WOULD

STEP MY FAMILY BACK FROM ALL I'VE EVER KNOWN, TO TAKE A STEP

FORWARD INTO WHAT I HOPE CAN BE A MORE PEACEFUL LIFE.

>> STEPHEN: PEACEFUL LIFE?

HARRY, YOU HAVE A FOUR-MONTH -- EIGHT-MONTH-OLD BABY.

YOU WON'T HAVE A PEACEFUL LIFE AGAIN FOR THE NEXT 18 YEARS.

RIGHT NOW, JUST SHOOT FOR A "LESS PUKED-ON" LIFE.

ALTHOUGH MEGHAN IS ALREADY IN CANADA WITH THEIR SON ARCHIE,

HARRY INSISTS THEY ARE NOT BREAKING ENTIRELY WITH

BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

>> WHAT I WANT TO MAKE CLEAR IS THAT WE'RE NOT WALKING AWAY.

>> STEPHEN: "WE'RE FLYING AWAY ON AN AIRPLANE.

( LAUGHTER ) TURNS OUT IF YOU WALK FROM

ENGLAND TO CANADA, YOU DROWN OR GET EATEN BY SHARKS."

( LAUGHTER ) HARRY AND MEGHAN WILL ALSO

REPAY THE $3.1 MILLION IN PUBLIC MONEY USED TO REFURBISH FROGMORE

COTTAGE."

WAIT, THERE'S AN ACTUAL PLACE CALLED FROGMORE COTTAGE?

( LAUGHTER ) THAT SOUNDS MADE-UP LIKE

HOGWARTS, HUMPTY DUMPTY, OR BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH.

( LAUGHTER ) AND DESPITE GIVING UP HIS H.R.H.

TITLE, HARRY REMAINS SIXTH IN LINE FOR THE CROWN, WHICH PUTS

HIM JUST BEHIND PRINCE WILLIAMS' CHILDREN AND JUST AHEAD OF JOHN

GOODMAN.

( LAUGHTER ) AND TO MAKE THE WHOLE THING EVEN

MORE OFFICIAL, ON SATURDAY, QUEEN ELIZABETH HERSELF

ANNOUNCED THAT HARRY AND MEGHAN "WILL NO LONGER BE WORKING

MEMBERS OF BRITAIN'S MONARCHY."

SO THERE'S A JOB OPENING IN THE ROYAL FAMILY.

MAYBE A MEGXIT MEANS A COLBENTRANCE.

( LAUGHTER ) HI!

HOW ARE YOU?

MRS. QUEEN -- CAN I CALL YOU QUEENY?

MY NAME IS STEPHEN COLBERT.

I'M INTERESTED IN THE POSITION OF ROYAL HIGHNESS.

I HAVE NO FORMAL TRAINING IN BEING A PRINCE, BUT I HAVE BEEN

TOLD I'M A ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS.

( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, I'M A FAST LEARNER, I'M

HIGHLY MOTIVATED, I CAN WAVE BACKWARDS, AND I'VE NEVER MET

JEFFREY EPSTEIN.

( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JIM

GAFFIGAN.