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  • Being a member of the royal family

  • has always been one of the sweetest gigs you can have.

  • You get an unlimited budget for hats,

  • there's always free crumpets in the breakroom

  • and, let's be honest, most of your job is just waving.

  • But now two royal family members

  • are turning in their two-week notice.

  • There was a rather stunning announcement today

  • from the across the pond.

  • Prince Harry and wife Meghan Markle

  • say they're stepping away

  • as senior members of the royal family.

  • They announced it on Instagram,

  • and, boy, social media is blowing up over it.

  • The couple made that announcement

  • saying they will split their time

  • between the U.K. and North America,

  • and they will work to become financially independent.

  • Whoa! Whoa!

  • This is huge.

  • Harry and Meghan are leaving the palace

  • to become financially independent.

  • And, you see, you see, this is what happens

  • when you bring the first black woman

  • into the royal family.

  • Yeah. Yeah.

  • She looked at Harry, and she was like,

  • "Nigga, you need to get a job.

  • "You need a job.

  • "You a grown-ass man.

  • You can't still be living in your mama's house, Harry."

  • (laughter)

  • What's funny is that no matter what job Prince Harry gets,

  • you realize he's still gonna be Prince Harry, right?

  • Can you imagine being his boss when he screws up?

  • Like, what do you call him in and say?

  • "Prince Harry, get in here, Your Majesty!

  • "You blew the Henderson account, my lord.

  • Clean out your desk, and may God save the queen!"

  • Now, the big question is

  • if Harry and Meghan come to America,

  • where are they gonna live? Everyone wants to know.

  • I think they'll move to L.A. because Meghan's an actor.

  • Right? And then she's gonna want to work again.

  • And then Harry can just join the cast

  • of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Yeah.

  • Just be, like, fighting on TV.

  • "I know you what said about me, Denise. Say it to my face."

  • All right, moving on to the opposite of royalty.

  • Harvey Weinstein, disgraced Hollywood producer

  • and man who's somehow uglier on the inside.

  • His sexual assault trial has just begun here in New York,

  • and Harvey is already on the judge's bad side.

  • Jury selection in Harvey Weinstein's

  • sexual assault trial resumes today

  • after some drama in court.

  • The judge threatened to revoke

  • the Hollywood producer's bail Tuesday

  • because he kept using his phone in court.

  • The judge said, "Is this really the way

  • you want to end up in jail? By texting?"

  • Weinstein's team calls it a misunderstanding.

  • Yeah, Harvey Weinstein got into trouble yesterday

  • because he kept pulling his phone out in court. Yeah.

  • Because apparently, he can't keep anything in his pants.

  • (laughter)

  • I actually feel bad for the judge in the situation,

  • because you have to uphold the law

  • but then also be a middle school teacher.

  • You know, it's just like, "Are you texting?

  • "Give me your phone. You spit out your gum.

  • "And damn it, I told you to stop jerking off, Harvey.

  • -Come on!" -(laughter and applause)

  • I will tell you,

  • this is how you know phones are addictive, though.

  • This guy's on trial for his life,

  • and he's sitting in that courtroom like,

  • "I could go to prison forever.

  • "Yeah. Oh.

  • "I wonder what Disney character I am. Let's see.

  • Oh, Ursula. I should have known."

  • And finally, what would you do

  • if you were walking down the street

  • and heard someone screaming for help?

  • Well, don't rush to call the cops,

  • because it may not be what you think.

  • NEWSWOMAN: The concerned neighbor in Florida called 911

  • after hearing someone screaming, "Let me out."

  • Turns out, the cries were from a pet parrot.

  • (screaming)

  • The parrot's owner says sheriff's deputies

  • pulled up to his house after getting the call.

  • He explained that the culprit

  • was his 40-year-old parrot named Rambo.

  • When he showed them the parrot,

  • he says they burst out laughing.

  • The owner says that he taught Rambo to say, "Let me out"

  • -when he was a kid. -(squawks)

  • Okay.

  • Okay, hold on. So, this dude says

  • he taught his parrot to scream, "Let me out,"

  • and the cops just accepted that?

  • You guys don't want to look in the house just in case?

  • 'Cause that bird might have picked it up

  • from someone else, if you know what I mean.

  • Yeah, the parrot's like... (squawks) "Let me out."

  • Like... (chuckles) "I taught him how to say that."

  • "I'm in the basement."

  • "Oh, you see, it's not what..."

  • "I was kidnapped by a man with a parrot."

  • (squawks)

  • (laughter)

  • Although, wouldn't it be a funny twist

  • if the cops arrested that guy,

  • but it turns out that the parrot was just framing him

  • so that it could have the house to itself?

  • Yeah. Now the owner's in prison,

  • and the bird is throwing all-night parties.

  • Just hanging out with women. You know, just like...

  • (squawks) "Hello, ladies."

  • It's like, "Wow, I've never met a parrot that owns a house."

  • (squawks) "That's right. I'm like Harry.

  • I've got my own crib." (squawks)

Being a member of the royal family

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哈里王子和梅根-馬克爾後退,哈維-韋恩斯坦在法庭上的文字|每日秀場。 (Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Step Back & Harvey Weinstein Texts in Court | The Daily Show)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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