字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 Less than an hour ago, President Trump finished his third State of the Union address. Now, the State of the Union has been going on for hundreds of years. I know that. But-but when you take a step back, you have to admit, it's kind of weird as a tradition, right? 'Cause why does the president get to give his own job evaluation? That's strange. Nobody else gets to do that. He's just up there, like, "My economy, the best ever. "My military, the best ever. "My children, "eh, D-plus. Eric, Eric, you're holding us down." But this year's State of the Union was extra weird, because, in case you forgot, it's happening right in the middle of Trump's impeachment. Right? So, for months, Democrats have been saying that Trump is a threat to democracy and a danger to the republic. But now they just have to sit there and clap while he gives a speech. That is wild. It's like two di-- It's-it's like you're in the middle of firing someone who's belligerent at work, but then you get interrupted by their birthday party. You know what I mean? It's like, "You were caught stealing, Jake. You're always late. "You're a sc... ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birth... ♪ "You're fired. ♪ To-to you. ♪ (quietly): I'm gonna kill you." Now, not everyone, not everyone was willing to deal with tonight's awkwardness. At least ten Democrats decided that they were gonna boycott the speech, including Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. -(cheering and applause) -Right? Who tweeted, who tweeted-- and I love this-- she was like, "None of this is normal, and I will not legitimize it." Which makes sense. And I'm totally gonna use that excuse to get out of any plans in the future. I'm just gonna be like, "It is not normal "to throw a gender reveal party. I will not legitimize it!" But for those who did show up, they got to witness a very awkward start to the State of the Union, where Nancy Pelosi tried to shake Trump's hand but he was having none of it. (applause) (audience oohing) Ooh. That's embarrassing. That's embarrassing. Now, look, either Trump didn't see Pelosi's hand or he just didn't want to shake it. But, honestly, I think it was probably for the best. Yeah. Because she's wearing a white suit. Yeah. And then she'd have nowhere to wipe off the chicken grease that's always on the president's hands. That combined with spray tan, it doesn't come out. But awkward handshake aside, Trump was focused tonight, and he dove right into his greatest hits. I am thrilled to report to you tonight that our economy is the best it has ever been. Our families are flourishing. Our values are renewed. Our pride is restored. The state of our union is stronger than ever before. (cheering and applause) (laughter) (cheering and applause) Oh, man. Oh, man. You know what I love about old black people's faces? They always tell the truth. Always tell the truth. 'Cause you can tell Congressman James Clyburn over here did not agree with that one. Like, look at that. That's the face of every old-timer in the barbershop when someone says any basketball player is better than Jordan. They're just like, "Come on, man. "He got six rings, "and he beat the Monstars. Come on, man." Now, traditionally, traditionally, the State of the Union is more about what the president has done and what he plans to do. But, tonight, Trump took a lot of time out of his speech to show off his player-hating degree. If we hadn't reversed the failed economic policies of the previous administration, the world would not now be witnessing this great economic success. My administration reversed the failing policies of the previous administration on Cuba. Under the last administration, more than ten million people were added to the food stamp rolls. In eight years under the last administration, over 300,000 working-age people dropped out of the workforce. Come on. Really? It's been three years since Obama's been out of the White House, but, still, Trump is obsessed with him. He's just after-- I wonder if he does this with Melania, too. You know? Just like, "Remember your ex, Ivan? "Well, guess what, he still works at Slovenian Food Locker. And I bet he never got you your own bedroom to sleep in." And you may remember, you may remember, last year, Trump took a lot of flak for delivering a State of the Union address during Black History Month and barely mentioning black people. But this year, the commander in chief rode in on the soul train. African-American youth unemployment has reached an all-time low. African-American poverty has declined to the lowest rate ever recorded. We achieved record and permanent funding for our nation's historically black colleges and universities. Opportunity Zones, a plan spearheaded by Senator Tim Scott -as part of our great Republican tax cuts. -(applause, cheering) Opportunity Zones are helping Americans, like Army veteran Tony Rankins. A few weeks ago, I signed a bill promoting Charles McGee to "Brigadier General." -Thank you, sir. -(cheers and applause) Damn. Donald Trump made sure that this time, his speech was a lot more black. Yeah, although I do think he went too far when he delivered the rest of the speech in a do-rag. -That was a bit extreme. -(laughter) Was a bit extreme. Now, of course... Now, of course, no Trump speech would be complete without an absolute blatant lie. And for tonight's address, Trump went with an old classic, and that is that he's the champion of health care. I've also made an ironclad pledge to American families. We will always protect patients with preexisting conditions. (cheers and applause) Really? That lie is so extreme that if Trump was Pinocchio, he would have impaled Mitch McConnell in his seat. (laughter) Just stabbed him right in the chest. "Muh. Joke's on you. I'm all skin. Muh." (laughter) -Because... -(applause) Because here's the truth. Here's the truth, right? Trump tried to kill protections for preexisting conditions when he went after Obamacare. And right now, right now, his administration is in court trying to kill it again. So him claiming to be the champion of protecting preexisting conditions is like the Coronavirus being like, "I love Chinese people. I really do! I really do!" (laughter) But if there was one theme for tonight's State of the Union, it was Trump doing what he does best-- creating a show made for TV. TRUMP: I can proudly announce tonight that an Opportunity Scholarship has become available. It's going to you, and you will soon be heading to the school of your choice. (cheers and applause) And Rush, in recognition of all that you have done for our nation, I am proud to announce tonight that you will be receiving our country's highest civilian honor-- the Presidential Medal of Freedom. (cheers and applause) Tonight, we have a very special surprise. I am thrilled to inform you that your husband is back from deployment. He is here with us tonight, and we couldn't keep him waiting any longer! (cheers and applause) Okay, he might not be a great president, but you have to admit, this man knows how to put on a show. 'Cause the entire night, he just kept announcing surprise after surprise after surprise. Like, I thought by the end of the night, he was gonna go, "Believe it or not, folks, I've locked up Hillary Clinton! "Bring out the cage! "Bring out the cage, Jeffrey Epstein! That's right, folks! Surprise, surprise!" (laughter) So, that was the final State of the Union of Trump's first term, and judging by the 212 standing ovations on the Republican side, they're loving their guy. But as for the Democrats, I think Nancy Pelosi's actions speak louder than words. -(applause and cheering) -Thank you. God bless you. And God bless America. Thank you very much. (indistinct chatter) LESTER HOLT: A stunning moment here at the end of the president's speech. Nancy Pelosi tearing up what appeared to be a copy -of the president's speech. -WOMAN: Wow. -Holy shit! -(laughter) Nancy Pelosi has done it again. I feel like every year, she finds a new way to show Trump just how little she thinks of him and his speech. Because last year, you remember, was the sideways clap. -You remember that? Yeah? -(laughter) And then this year, she rips up his speech. Trump better pray he doesn't get another State of the Union, because at this rate, next time, she's just gonna show up and throw vegetables at him during the speech. He'll be like, "No. Please, no vegetables! No! I'd rather be reimpeached!" Now, on a normal night, the State of the Union would be the major news, but right now-- and here's something you only hear every four years-- everyone is talking about Iowa. -Yeah. -(laughter) Because last night was the Iowa Caucuses, right? The first vote of the Democratic primary campaign. And normally, we would know by now who'd won. In fact, normally, we would have known last night. But this year, Democrats decided to use a new app to help count the votes, and, uh, it has not gone as planned. The only results from the Iowa Caucus at this hour are chaos and confusion. Chaos, confusion, meltdown-- pick your adjective to describe Iowa Caucuses. What a mess! This is not the finish that anyone expected. It certainly was a mess, and some here are calling it a disaster. WOMAN 4: Organizers in the state cite a domino effect of problems for the delay. Several issues with the new app where results were to be inputted. They had a-a really crummy app that, uh, screwed up the entire thing. Right now, no idea when we are going to know the results. So, everyone really is just waiting for these official results... So, we wait, and at the moment, we have nothing. (laughter) You know... you know what I love about cable news in America-- right?-- is their dedication to filling air time with absolutely nothing. Right? 'Cause they're like, "We're not getting any results.