- I can't believe it's about to be the new year.

真不敢相信新年又要到了。

- Oh, I know, this year flew by.

對啊，今年過得真快。

You have any New Year resolutions?

你有新年新希望嗎？

- I guess I got a couple,

我有一些

but I feel weird making those.

但立下新年新希望的感覺很怪。

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

我懂妳的意思。

It's like there's stuff I wanna change,

有一些想改變的事

but I don't know, it's just hard,

但不知為何做起來卻很難

and I always give up.

而且我每次都會放棄。

- Yeah, exactly, same.

我有同感。

- How about you, ex-assassin Danny Blade

那你呢？前殺手 Danny Blade。

(menacing music)

(迫脅的配樂)

- I resolve to eliminate all who have wronged me.

我要把傷害我的人都殺光。

Each one of these names played a part

名單上的人都曾參與

in kidnapping my beloved wife.

綁架我心愛老婆的計謀。

My goal...

我的目標是...

To kill every single one of them,

將他們全部殺死

but I just haven't gotten around to doing any of it.

但我一個都還沒殺。

- I know I mean the resolution that's the easy part right

立下新年新希望很簡單

the hard part is actually doing it!

執行卻很困難！

I mean I have said I'm gonna lose weight for years.

每年我都想減重。

- Ugh every year I say I'm gonna spend less money,

每年我都想不要花那麼多錢

and every year I just spend more.

每年卻越花越多。

- Exactly!

沒錯！

Three years ago my dog was taken,

三年前，我的狗被綁架

the following my daughter was taken too,

接著是我女兒

and now my wife has been taken. Three,

現在，我老婆也被綁架。三年了。

But I still haven't gotten around to any of it.

我一個都還沒殺。

- Why do you think that is?

那你覺得問題出在哪？

- I don't know.

我不知道。

I feel like I'm doing everything right.

我覺得計畫都很完美。

I've studied my enemy, I know their whereabouts,

我研究我的敵人，透析他們

I know every single move that

我在他們行動之前

they'll make before they make it.

就先掌握行蹤。

I tell myself "Danny Blade tonight you're gonna butcher

我告訴自己：「Danny Blade 今晚你要殺死

one hundred people."

一百個人。」

- That's a lot.

這很多。

- I know!

我知道！

That's why I get so overwhelmed,

所以我不知所措

I get all in my head

腦袋全想這些

and I end up not killing anybody.

最後連一個都還沒殺。

- Ugh Danny Blade you are sing my life

Danny Blade 你的情況

with your words right now.

根本就是在說我。

- Strumming my pain.

刺到我的痛處。

- Its like why don't I just get my A** to the gym already?

就像為什麼我還不去健身房？

- I always say "I'm too busy",

我常覺得：「我太忙了。」

but last night instead of going to the warehouse

但昨晚，我沒去追殺

to slaughter all of the cartel

所有共謀

I ended up watching hours of YouTube videos

而是看了好幾小時如何磨刀的

on how to sharpen knives.

YouTube 影片。

- Oh my good

我的天。

- My knives are plenty sharp.

我的刀已經很利了。

I should be out there using them!

我早該帶出去殺人！

- Well you know every journey of a thousand miles

千里之行

begins with a single step.

始於足下。

- Wow that is so powerful.

這句真有哲理。

- I saw it on a poster at Pep Boys.

我在 Pep Boys 海報上看到的。

It might have been change you oil

大概每 3 千公里

every three thousand miles I don't remember.

要換一次油，我也忘記了。

- Still powerful.

這句還是很有哲理。

- Either way you know your right.

不管怎樣，這句話都是對的。

We need to take it a day at a time,

一步一步來

you know make simple achievable goals.

立下簡單、可達成的目標。

- Instead of killing everyone in one night,

與其一夜之間殺掉 1 百個人

maybe I should set a goal to kill one person a day.

也許我該每天殺掉一位。

- Yeah. - There you go!

- 對 - 這就對了！

- UGHH but that would take forever!

這得花一輩子時間！

(loud bang)

(猛烈撞擊聲)

- Change is hard.

改變很難。

- I just wish there was a magical bullet

真希望我有神奇子彈

that I could shoot at one person and it would just

只要射殺一個人

fly around and kill everyone.

它就會自動追蹤其他人。

- Yeah like Wanted.

就像電影《刺客聯盟》。

- Yes I want it.

我就想要這種子彈。

- No like the movie wanted.

我是說電影《刺客聯盟》。

- What?

什麼？

- It has the bullet that your talking about.

那電影裡有你說的那種子彈。

It like get shot into a bunch of different peoples

能一次射過好幾個人

heads all at once, like.

的頭，就像這樣。

- I don't...

我不...

- You know what I'm talking about?

你知道我在說什麼嗎？

- Ummhmm

痾...

- Wanted, Wanted!

《刺客聯盟》...

- I want it.

我想要神奇子彈。

- Look you know what I think would do you alot of good,

我的看法應該對你有幫助

changing you outlook.

能改變你的想法。

- Well I did start a bullet journal.

我在子彈上做了標記。

- (both) Ohhhh!

噢！

- Each bullet is meant for a different enemy.

每顆子彈對應不同敵人。

Seeing them labeled and organized really helps me

整齊有序的子彈，真的讓我

make sense of it all.

有些頭緒。

- That's great.

很棒。

- I think that's awesome.

我覺得可以。

And you know what we should do?

你知道我們應該怎麼做？

We should do like regular check-ins,

我們要定期檢視成效

you know for accountability.

執行當責政策。

- Oh my god I love that idea!

我喜歡這個主意！

- Right!

對吧？

If you need to reach me,

如果想找我

take this coin to the bar at the Hotel Estrella,

拿著這個硬幣到埃斯特雷亞酒店的酒吧

ask for a man named Paolo.

去找 Paolo。

He'll know what to do.

他會負責處理。

- I feel like I could just give you my cell phone number.

我直接給你電話號碼比較快。

- Too easy to track, trust the coin.

電話不隱匿，請相信硬幣。

- Hey I got 4 pizzas for the cast of College Humor.

我這邊有四盒 College Humor 的比薩。

- Who ordered them?

訂購人是？

(dramatic music)

(緊張刺激的配樂)

- Uhhhhhhh

啊...

(gunshot)

(槍聲)

(Gasp)

(倒抽一口氣)

- [Pizza Guy] Mamma mia...

天啊...

- Oh my god...

我的天...

That pizza would have ruined my diet.

吃比薩會壞了我的節食計畫。

Thank you Danny Blade.

謝了 Danny Blade。

- That one name off the list.

名單少了一位。

This feels great.

這感覺真好。

I earned a cheat day.

我給自己放一天假。

- Cheat day finally, all right now we're talking!

這才對嘛，放鬆日！

- Lets go to Vegas.

該去拉斯維加斯了。

(cheers)

(歡呼聲)

- Cheat day!

放鬆日！

- Hey it's Jess if you like College Humor,

我是 Jess，如果你喜歡 College Humor

and to support us sign up for DROPOUT,

請到 DROPOUT 上註冊，並支持我們

for the low price of a quirky pair of socks

上面有便宜古怪的襪子

that show off your fun side per month,

讓你展現風趣的一面。

you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner,

每個星期都會有新影片

To chat with us live on the DROPOUT Discord,

到 Discord DROPOUT 群組聊天

And exclusive content like

以及獨家內容。例如

the latest episode of the erotic book club podcast.

最新一集的情慾書刊俱樂部播客。

- There a scene where she eats a cantaloupe

有一幕是她吃哈密瓜的畫面

and it gets me!

有勾到我！

- Oh my god its hot its really hot!

我的天，這真的很性感！

- Sign up for your free trail today.

立即註冊免費試用。

Trail that was a typo.

不是試用，是試試才對。

I don't have any trials to give away,

沒有試用這回事。

I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that,

如果靠這個賺到錢

I'd buy a lot land I guess ugh god.

我應該會買一塊地。