[cheers and applause]

So then I would like to talk about

the birds and the bees.

[laughter]

We don't have a lot of time,

so I'm just gonna talk about the birds.

So we have birds at our house.

There's a beam right outside of our kitchen door

between the ceiling, and then there's the beam.

So there's a little area, and every year,

a pair of sparrows builds a nest at the same spot.

And it's adorable, and I love watching them.

It's one of my favorite things to watch.

Well, it goes "Scandal" and then...

[laughter]

Sparrows building nests and then "House of Cards."

That's how it goes. [laughter]

So anyway, so the female sparrow is brown,

and she blends in with nature, which is clever.

And then the male is very colorful and flashy

'cause-- I think he's gay, and--

[laughter]

No, he's not.

He may be. I don't know.

But anyway, it's amazing, because nature--

the females are-- blend into nature.

The males are brighter

so they can distract the predators

from the lady birds.

Very nice.

So anyway, they're cute,

and the male is the little lookout.

He hangs out and looks around and chirps,

and the female brings the twigs,

and they flutter around, and they build the nest.

And then sometimes I put my finger out

and they land on it and chirp, and we sing, and--

I made that part up. But--

[laughter]

They're adorable.

They're birds, and so they're cute.

But here's what's happening now.

There's this-- this thing is happening.

Another pair of birds saw that spot

and thought, "Oh, that's a good spot.

We're gonna build there."

And so they started building.

And then-- at first, I didn't know.

I thought they were the same kind of bird

'cause they look alike, you know?

So then they're building.

Then another pair comes,

and they're like, "Oh, no, you don't."

I mean, they're not talking, but--

[laughter]

So then they tear the nest down,

and then another one builds,

and then the next morning, it's torn down.

And this has been going on--

they're like rival bird gangs.

[laughter]

It's like East Coast-West Coast kind of thing, you know?

Except they're both on the West Coast

and they're not gang members, so...

[laughter]

They're birds.

So it's nothing like gang members.

So anyway... [laughter]

I did what anybody would do in L.A.

I started filming it for a new reality show

called "Bird Wars."

[laughter]

I'm gonna sell it.

No, that's not what I did. I got up on a ladder.

I went and got a ladder, and I put some wire mesh

on the spot where they're building the nest.

Portia took a picture of me doing it.

And Portia took that picture right after she said,

"Yes, of course I'm holding the ladder," and--

[laughter]

I was like, "Why are you so far away?"

Anyway, they weren't getting anything accomplished

because they kept tearing each other's nest down,

and it's not a great spot anyway

'cause my cats go outside in that area,

and, of course, cats go after birds.

In fact, I took a video. Look.

[quirky dramatic music]

[music continues]

[horn playing dejected tones]

[laughter]

It's my cat.

But, no, here's what I did.

I tried to block it

because they're running out of time

because they need to finish their nest

so that they can lay their eggs

and sit on them until their babies hatch.

Like human women.

[laughter]

I've never had a baby. I don't know.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted with any new developments.

That's what's happening right now.

But right now, it's time for this bird

to shake her tail feather.

[cheers and applause]