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  • My mom's so funny. She lives in the South, too.

  • She's still determined

  • to keep my up-to-date with everybody that I grew up with.

  • And she'll remind me about them to the point where I care again.

  • So, she'll call me up.

  • She's like, "Hey, what are you doing?"

  • I'm like, "Well, it's the 3:00 in the afternoon, cougar.

  • I'm working."

  • And she's like, "Well, do you remember Ashley Davidson?"

  • I'm like, "No, I don't know who that is."

  • "Oh, you know who that is!"

  • Like I was just lying the second before.

  • "Ashley Davidson!

  • "She had long, dark hair.

  • She was on the cheerleading squad."

  • I'm like, "No, Mom, it still does not ring a bell."

  • "Ashley Davidson!

  • Her mom Alice used to cut your hair."

  • And then I'm like, "Oh, yeah.

  • Yeah, I think I know who that is."

  • "Well, she's dead."

  • I'm like, "Why would you call to tell me that?"

  • She's like, "'Cause I thought you'd want to know."

  • I'm like, "But I didn't even know who that is!"

  • "Oh, you know who that is!"

  • We go round and round in circles.

  • This is an actual text

  • that she sent to me if you want

  • any idea of how she can brighten your day.

  • Here... is an example.

  • Real text. (quiet laugh)

  • "Did you know Vanessa Tate? She lived on Poplar Street.

  • "I went to school with her mother Jan.

  • "We were in junior league together back in the day.

  • "Her father died a few months ago and her mother last week.

  • "They were 65 and 61-- I wonder what happened?

  • Very sad."

  • Oh, it gets better, it gets better.

  • "There's snow in the air and it's 23 degrees.

  • "I feel sorry for the tornado survivors

  • "who are picking through the rubble of their homes in this.

  • Have a great show. Love, Mom."

  • Now you know

  • why I am like I am.

  • No, my mom's great. She's 67 and she's single.

  • And she's been hanging out at the bars a lot

  • with her friends who are also single.

  • They like to think of themselves as cougars,

  • but they're more like panda bears.

  • I said that to one of my mom's friends

  • who did not know what a cougar was,

  • and she was like, "Well, a panda bear's

  • just as dangerous as a cougar!"

  • Touché, lady panda.

  • Touché.

  • My mom's a bit of a lightweight.

  • It takes her one whiskey sour

  • and then she's, like, completely toasted.

  • WOMAN: Yeah!

  • (laughs)

  • What? What? She's like, "Yeah!

  • "That's my style.

  • I want to hang out with your mom."

  • You can always tell when my mom's tipsy

  • 'cause she'll stick one finger out just like this

  • and start dancing like this.

  • Just judging people while she's dancing.

  • Like she's some sassy black woman.

  • (laughs)

  • So... when I went home for Christmas,

  • I went out, uh, to a bar

  • with my mom 'cause that's what you do with your mom.

  • And the thing is when these songs come on, uh,

  • and she starts dancing, she has no idea what song

  • she is dancing to, so all of a sudden I hear

  • To the window, to the wall

  • Till the sweat drop down my balls

  • All you bitches crawl. ♪

  • And I looked over and my mom's just dancing.

  • (singsongy): With her Christmas sweater on.

  • Or we heard that song

  • Jump on it

  • Let's do it, ride it

  • My pony. ♪

  • "Oh, I love horses!"

  • I'm like, "I'm pretty sure that's

  • not what that song is about."

  • "I don't care. I love horses."

  • You guys like the restaurant Hooters?

  • (audience whoops)

  • Do you? The gay guys are like,

  • "Mm."

  • There was a Hooters in my hometown that closed.

  • You know every time a Hooters closes,

  • an angel loses its wings? (laughs)

  • Pretty sure that's the saying.

  • I learned Hooters waitresses,

  • they get really suspicious when somebody comes in there

  • to buy one of their outfits.

  • And they get especially suspicious

  • when that person is me.

  • So, I went into Hooters and I went up to the waitress.

  • I was like, "Hey, I'd like to buy one of your shirts."

  • And she's like, "Um...

  • what size?"

  • I was like, "Duh.

  • Small."

  • She's like, "Well, they run kind of small."

  • I'm like, "Psh, even better! Lets do this!"

  • It's my goal in life to buy the entire Hooters outfit,

  • and just go into Hooters and start waiting on tables.

  • (women whoop)

  • I squeeze into those shorts.

  • I'm like... (screaming)

  • I hurt!

  • My gut's hanging out.

  • I walk in there, there's, like, these four dudes

  • watching football and they see me, they're like,

  • "What the...?

  • "No!

  • "No!

  • I didn't order that!"

  • You know, just walk in there like this.

  • (huffs)

  • (huffs)

  • "I'm real tired.

  • "I had to walk all the way over here.

  • "Do you want some chicken wings?

  • "Hmm?

  • Do you?"

  • I would, of course, have a wedgie right there.

  • Boom!

  • Camel toe. (laughs)

  • Someone just went... (groans)

  • You're never gonna look at chicken wings the same.

  • That's all I'm saying.

My mom's so funny. She lives in the South, too.

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B1 中級

媽媽們喜歡告訴你與你一起長大的人的新聞--《財富》菲姆斯特。 (Moms Love to Tell You News About People You Grew Up With - Fortune Feimster)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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