the world we live in.

And some news stories are just stupid.

For those, we turn to Ronny Chieng.

(audience cheers) (dramatic music)

- If you're super rich,

the only thing better than spending your money

is having other rich people see you spend your money.

And the place you do that?

Auctions.

It's the place where a guy talks so fast

that he tricks you into buying crazy shit

you don't even need.

Like, one time I raised my hand at an auction

to ask where the bathroom was,

and I ended up buying a yacht.

And the yacht didn't even have a bathroom.

You're just supposed to pee over the side like a barbarian.

So auctions were always where the rich went to flex,

but now it's just getting stupid.

- [Reporter] A little piece of the Force

sold for a small fortune.

A prototype "Star Wars" action figure

fetched just under $113,000.

- Wow. - At an auction

in Pennsylvania, oh my gosh.

The rocket-firing Boba Fett figure

was originally intended to be part of a toy line

for "The Empire Strikes Back" in 1979,

but it never went into mass production.

That's because it was deemed

a potential safety hazard to children.

- That's right, $113,000 for one toy.

For that money, you could have bought all of Toys R Us.

(audience laughing)

And the worst part is you're dropping 100 grand

on a toy that wasn't even good enough to be released.

And I wonder why.

Look, I don't remember the part in "Star Wars"

where Boba Fett captures Han Solo with a red dildo.

(audience laughs) (audience applauds)

This all just shows you that "Star Wars" fans

will buy any stupid bullshit

even remotely related to "Star Wars."

And that's why I'm gonna start selling

the Luke Skywalker walker.

(audience laughs)

One thing I've learned about Americans

is that Americans love their pets.

And I'm here to say, "Why?"

Pets are kinda stupid.

I mean, you spend all your time picking up their poop,

and then, on top of that, when they die,

you have to go through all the trouble

of throwing them in your neighbor's yard?

Uh, no, thanks.

But that's just me, okay?

Other people are obsessed with their pets,

and it's, quite frankly, getting outta control.

- [Reporter] A Manhattan restaurant has rolled out

a special menu just for dogs.

- [Reporter] Check out what's on it.

A $42 rib eye steak with steamed veggies,

a lemon-drizzled salmon filet for 28 bucks,

grilled chicken breast for 16,

light bites of carrots and apples and a berry bowl.

- Why are you feeding dogs $40 steaks?

You realize dogs will eat their own poop.

In fact, if I ran this restaurant,

I would just take the poop from my last dog customer

and feed it to the next dog customer, okay?

The dogs would be just as happy, and you're recycling.

Last week in Las Vegas was the annual

Consumer Electronics Show where tech companies

give us a first look at all the junk

we'll be throwing away in six months.

And this year was the worst yet.

They have a lot of technology and no good ways to use it.

- [Reporter] A company called Monet has a cookie-sized

attachment that you can put on a diaper

and it's bluetooth enabled

so any time the diaper gets dirty,

you'll get a notification on your phone.

- [Reporter] The sensor can detect

whether there's a number one or a number two in the diaper.

- Wow, a diaper with built-in notification.

You know what else has a built-in notification?

Human shit, all right.

Trust me, it'll let you know when it's in the room.

Or even the next room, depending on what you ate, okay.

You don't need to bring bluetooth into this.

Also, who wants to get notifications on their phone

every time their baby takes a crap?

Notifications are supposed to be for good things.

I don't wanna be like, "Oh my phone's buzzing.

"I wonder if it's my food.

"Oh no, that's just my son's food

"coming out of its butt."

America has a problem with food.

You guys want your food to be cheap and fast,

but also to be fresh and healthy.

That's too many things, okay.

You can't have both.

It's like racial diversity at a ski lodge.

It doesn't exist.

And when Americans don't get everything they expect

from their food,

you end up with dumb lawsuits like this one.

- A judge has given new life to a class action lawsuit

accusing Poland Spring of selling water that's sourced

from wells and not springs.

He ruled last week that an amended complaint can proceed

with claims in eight states.

Poland Springs corporate parent,

Connecticut based Nestle Waters North America,

reiterated Tuesday that it's a meritless lawsuit

and said that the judge's decision

doesn't undermine its confidence.

- That's right, a woman is mad that Poland Spring

water doesn't come from a spring, it comes from a well.

Yeah, I just told the people in Flint, Michigan

about this story and they said, "to go (beep) yourself".

(audience laughs)

Seriously! (audience cheers)

Who actually thinks Poland Spring water

comes from a spring in Poland?

Do you also think your Smart Water went to MIT?

(audience laughs) It's all marketing!

Although to be fair, CVS water does come from CVS, okay?

It's locally sourced from the CVS break room toilet.

Trevor, you probably don't know this,

but today is Earth Day.

So to celebrate, I got you some earth.

- Whoa!

Ronny what the hell? - You're welcome, Trevor.

As we celebrate earth, we're also trying to figure out

how to save it.

Take me, for instance.

To help cool the planet, before I left my apartment today,

I turned the air conditioning on.

(audience laughs)

- No, isn't that contributing to global warming?

- No, stupid, I left the window open, of course.

(audience laughs)

But unfortunately for the earth, not everyone's solutions

are as practical as mine.

- How can humankind tackle global warming?

There are some scientists proposing a technique

that's similar to the earth wearing UV protection sunglasses

apparently to block out the sun's harmful rays.

- Basically what the proposal wants to do

is it wants to send airplanes into the stratosphere

effectively spraying it with aerosols into the atmosphere,

almost kind of like working like you're adding extra clouds.

When you do that, you essentially are trying

to block more of that sunlight.

- So you're solution to save the planet

is to spray more shit into the atmosphere.

(audience laughs) Let me ask you,

what's the point of saving earth,

if the whole thing looks like New Jersey.

(audience laughs) And also, there's no way

that will work.

It's like trying to get a coffee stain out of your shirt

by using blood.

Don't believe every life hack you read on the internet.

We don't need to dim the sun.

We already have two dim sons.

They're called Eric and Don Jr.

Hello, high five, Trevor! (audience cheers)

Come on!

- I'm not gonna high five you.

I'm not gonna high five you.

- Oh sorry, I didn't know you were a Trump guy.

(audience laughs) Anyway, it's Halloween again.

Or as I like to call it, "The Stupidest Time of Year"

'cause you've got dumb kids come to your house

begging for candy and then you have everyone else

trying to come up with a costume that's topical

but also hot.

"Oh look at me, I'm sexy quid pro quo."

(audience laughs) What does that even mean?

But Halloween also means that businesses are pretending

they're cool by coming out with spooky promotions

like this guy.

- A car wash in Ohio is doubling down as a haunted house.

Check it out.

Customers can enjoy the spooky experience

while riding through the car wash.

These actors dressed in scary Halloween costumes,

will wipe down cars and scare customers.

The frightening car wash costs 20 bucks.

- Not only are locked in your car in a haunted house,

but you're gonna go home

with what we think is the cleanest car in Ohio.

(audience laughs)

- The cleanest car in Ohio.

Who cares?

It's still in Ohio.

I'd rather have the second dirtiest car anywhere else.

More importantly, why do you have to combine

these two things?

How busy are people?

Are you really just sitting around like,

"Yo, I got time for a haunted house or a car wash.

"I can't do both." (audience laughs)

Ugh, it's Christmas again!

It's just another excuse for you people to send me

stupid pictures of your family.

Oh, great, another baby dressed as an elf.

Wow, thanks for the reminder to get a vasectomy.

(audience laughs)

But now, thanks to all these stupid world leaders

not giving a shit about climate change,

everything you love about Christmas is gonna disappear.

- In our Eye on Earth series,

we'll take you to Santa's hometown in the North Pool

where climate change is threatening the reindeer population.

- The reindeer feed, even through the winter, on lichen,

a mossy plant they dig down through the snow to get at,

except when all that thawing

and refreezing means they can't.

And when the snow turns to ice,

what happens to the reindeer?

- We have to feed them.

(audience laughs)

- You know things are bad when your entire species

depends on a guy in a weird hat.

(audience laughs)

I mean, what if he oversleeps one day?

He'll be like, "Oh shit, my alarm didn't go off.

"Now I need to dig a mass reindeer grave."

(audience groans)

And this is a big problem, okay.

Because without reindeer, how is Santa going to get around?

He's gonna have to hitchhike around the world

trading rides for handjobs, okay.

(audience laughs)

At this point, I think we can all agree that the internet

is basically giving us all brain damage.

Social media is constantly bombarding us

with information we don't care about.

Like what my friend ate for breakfast.

And what my mom's watching on tv,

and where my wife had our baby.

(audience laughs)

The point is social media is destroying everything.

Just look at this guy who went viral

for the dumbest thing possible.

- [Reporter] Carson King thought he'd get a few laughs.

- Just kinda thought it was a joke.

- [Reporter] And maybe a few bucks

on ESPN's College Game Day with a sign asking for beer money

along with his actual Venmo account.