because I'm a big, stupid idiot.

You can go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today.

For every episode of Breaking News that's here,

there's another episode only available on dropout.tv.

Until next time, I'm Grant O'Brien,

which is Irish for Grant Of Brien.

- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,

the only news team that doesn't know

what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

This is Breaking News.

(dramatic music)

- I think Scottie Pimpin can dunk me, easily.

- Pimpin? - Yeah.

- Scottie Pimpin? - Yeah. (chuckles)

(gasping)

(thunking)

- Good evening and welcome to Breaking News.

- The show where we don't know what we're about to say

and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

- I'm Makat but you can call me Potato for short.

- And I'm (fakes burping)

(snorting)

the 2nd.

- Coming up tonight, researchers ask

could not getting enough sleep be making you Italian?

- And a new study predicts that Tiktok will get old, fast.

- But first, rub-a-dub-dub, is that a turd in my tub?

(laughing)

(thudding)

(laughing)

(dramatic news music)

- Today, Grace, the lady soap company,

is under fire for releasing a new campaign,

calling all women nasty little goblins.

- Yes, this morning, their social media accounts

posted a picture of a goblin, and then

tweeted the words, "All women are this."

(snorting)

- According to Grace, the message was meant to be empowering

and encourage women to embrace, quote,

"their tiny little goblin toes

"and a huge honking goblin (beep)."

- This is especially concerning for

body positivity advocates as well as parents, like myself.

To my daughter: if you are watching,

you are not a goblin, big or small,

you are a beautiful scaly lizard and that is enough.

- The company has yet to apologize for the post,

adding that all women are goblins

and all goblins are beautiful.

- Thank you, (burps).

(snorting)

- That wasn't fake. (laughs)

It's (fake burps).

- [Potato] I'm sorry, but I'm gonna

have to (laughs) interrupt you.

We're getting some breaking news from

the Scripps National Spelling Bee.

We go live to our man in the street, Claustrophobic Nick.

What are you seeing, Claustro?

- W-E-I-N-N-N-E-R, is that how you spell 'Winner?'

Only the new Scripps National

Spelling Bee champion would know.

Today, an 8-year-old won the annual competition

after successfully spelling the word (beep).

- What was the word, Claustro?

- (beep), defined as: the (beep)

is the (beep) of the backside.

- Oh, that's a tough one.

How do you even spell that?

- Well, throughout the competition,

contestants repeatedly spelled it incorrectly.

Some spelled it B-U-T-T.

Some spelled it P-O-O-H-O-L-E.

But the correct spelling was, in fact, A-N-U-S.

- Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

- Wow is right.

Plus, just before that, the boy genius also

correctly spelled the words Val Kilmer,

a mystery word that only pigs know,

and the entire first page of the bible.

How did he do it?

I have no idea because I'm illiterate.

- Thank you, Claustro.

In other news, the oldest woman in the world

was born today at 800 lbs and 6 oz.

- Plus, for the first time in over a century,

an iguana has won the biggest goat contest.

- And more on anything but that,

we turn to Big Pants on the weather.

Over to you, Big Pants.

- [Big Pants] Thanks, Potato.

Actually, I wanna start out by making some

corrections to yesterday's weather report.

Firstly, I wanted to apologize for ending the night

by screaming, "Dig your grave now

"because lady earth is hungry."

I also should clarify that I did, indeed, repeatedly

mix up the terms El Nino and La Llalorn, Llalorna,

which is to say there will be no rain

but a terrifying female ghost will be

terrorizing us for the next few days.

- Very informative, Big Pants.

I'll get my gun. - Also,

I'd like to thank everyone who sent in

submissions to name our next hurricane.

Finalists include: Hurricane Sky Piss, Hurricane Ansel,

Hurricane Big Piss, and Hurricane Lance.

- Okay. - And, finally,

if you have allergies, you should definitely stay inside

because there is a pack of wild dogs on the loose.

Arf. - Well,

that's all the time we have.

Tune in tomorrow for a special edition on outer space.

- We ask, "Awoo."

Oh, "Aroo."

Did those dogs the Soviets shot

into space back in 1957 get hot?

- And Houston, we have a problematic (beep).

Why the Mars Rover will not stop

begging NASA for more beef.

- Before we go, we should announce

that this week's loser is-- - Tao!

- [Big Pants] Aw come on, are we sure?

- Thank you for watching. - Thanks for watching.

- Why is Katie saying it?

- Yeah, where did she come from?

(howling)

(howling)

(thumping)

(slurping)

(arfing)

- [Announcer] And now for the weather.

If you're a fan of Breaking News,

the forecast is light and sunny

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Go to dropout.tv today and don't forget your sunscreen.