(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

How exciting. Look at them go!

This is going to be the greatest train wreck in railroad history.

I'm gonna switch them onto the same track. Watch!

Wonderful.

Darling, you have such a way with trains.

I suppose so.

Weren't you happy with it?

I thought it was your finest wreck.

Perhaps it was. But I've just realized,

if you wreck one train, you wreck them all.

Sometimes I almost wish they'd miss each other.

Gomez, what a shocking thought.

Maybe we've just gotten into a rut.

We do seem to be doing the same things over and over again.

Our morning stroll through the swamp.

Fencing across the lunch table.

(GROANING)

Darling, why don't you come and have a nice hot cup of henbane?

It'll soothe your nerves.

(BOX CREAKING)

Thank you, Thing.

Darling.

Thank you.

Darling, maybe we should take a trip somewhere.

Tombstone or... Or Death Valley.

Some fun place.

Perhaps.

Ah, good morning, darling.

Would you like a bite? Chew your food.

(GULPING)

No, no. Cleopatra, you'll spoil your lunch.

Darling, maybe we should have some people in.

That nice Mr. Harris.

He always seemed to enjoy himself here.

That would be pleasant, but I'm afraid Mr. Harris

won't have the time for us any longer.

Did you see the paper this morning?

No, darling, I haven't read the paper yet.

He has a new job working for the government.

"Foreign diplomats visiting our city.

"Roger L. Harris to conduct tour for VIPs."

There's a picture.

They certainly seem to be enjoying the tour.

Well, I--I hope you'll enjoy the places

we're going to see today, gentlemen.

We will not enjoy.

Frankly, Washington is quite upset about your lack of enthusiasm so far.

So?

They seem to blame me for it.

If I fail to give you a good impression of our country, well...

Well, it'll mean the axe for me.

Miri Haan, take note.

Note I take.

If guide fails assignment, Washington masters will chop off head.

Naturally.

No, I don't mean they'll chop my head off.

I mean they'll fire me.

And then set fire to him.

Destroy evidence.

Gentlemen, look, you, you take our language too literally.

For two days now your Washington masters have shown us phony tour.

They only show us what they want us to see.

You do not show us the real America.

The downtrodden masses slaving under bureaucratic whip.

We want to see the people. The real peoples!

Peoples.

All right. All right, anything you say.

You can see anybody you want to.

Good. We choose honest way. By chance.

We stick pin into phone book. Wherever pin strikes we go.

All right with me.

Miri Haan, phone book.

I'll get a pin.

(BOTH GRUNTING IN DISSENT)

We use our own pin.

Always.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Eeny, meeny, miney, boom!

(GASPS)

What's the matter, Tish? Something wrong?

Oh, that's strange. I felt just as though I'd been stuck with a pin.

The Addams. Oh no, no, no, they're, no...

They're off limits.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Excuse me, sir. Please don't go in there.

A-ha!

Guide begs us not to go in. Why?

Why?

Because we have found real American family, not phony bureaucratic setup.

That's not so.

And government will chop off his head for this.

Poor fellow.

Come. We go see some real Americans.

Look, fellows, I know where there's a dandy little bar downtown

with beautiful dancing girls. You'll have a ball there.

A-ha!

Miri, take note. Guide tries to bribe us but we refuse.

We are strong men.

We go later.

Now we go see typical American family.

Very interesting.

I take note.

Mrs. Addams, you have a very interesting house here.

I have seen nothing like it before in America.

Well, it's nothing out of the ordinary, but we like it.

MORTICIA: And I'm so glad you gentlemen could come.

You've brightened our day immensely.

Harris, it was very nice of you to bring them here.

Well, it wasn't my idea...

He was very eager for us to meet

average American family, is not so, Mr. Harris?

I keep telling you! The Addams are not an average family at all.

How sweet.

Don't be turning our heads with flattery.

I do wish I'd known you were coming.

I could've planned some sort of amusement.

Oh, no, please. We wish to observe everyday routine. Agreed?

MORTICIA: Whatever you wish.

Psst.

Our house is your house, gentlemen.

Mr. Haan, may I offer you a cigar?

Here, have one.

I will save for later.

Let's join the conversation.

Psst.

Mr. Haan, sit down.

Uh, Miri Haan, you're smoking.

Oh, no, I save for later.

Mr. Haan, I'm terribly sorry.

I should've warned you it was a live cigar.

I begged you not to come here in the first place.

Well, gentlemen, we'd better be running along.

I'm, I'm sure you've seen enough. And I think...

We send this back home to laboratory.

(GROWLING)

I had no idea it was so late.

If you gentlemen will excuse me,

it's time to go feed my plants.

Yes, they get pretty cranky when they're hungry.

Plants? Plants get hungry?

Cranky?

Well, after all, they're only human.

I'm quite proud of Mrs. Addams' hothouse.

She's raised these plants from tiny weeds.

Darling, would you?

(SIZZLING)

Gardening is all a matter of proper feeding.

And these plants just love meat.

Meat?

Especially when it's medium rare.

Yes, they're really meat eaters. I've seen them.

Especially that one. It's a regular little glutton.

Oh no, no, no. Cleopatra, really.

Mr. Harris was only joking, darling.

She's really a sweet little thing.

She's terribly young.

Not very S-M-A-R-T.

But she's learning.

Open up, sweetheart.

(SLURPING)

Have some more. There.

Yes.

(GULPING)

This is plant, not animal?

And it is learning?

(WHISPERING) She's quite slow, actually.

She's three years old and she can't even feed herself yet.

Open up, sweetheart.

Excuse me.

(SLURPING)

This is big thing we have discovered. Big.

Very big.

They've learnt to breed plants

that have the intelligence of humans.

And a mere woman has done this. An American woman.

Perhaps, uh, they have gone further than this, huh?

And Harris thought he could hide this from us.

It's all right. We will learn the truth.

Take notes, Miri Haan. Plenty notes.

Plenty notes. Plenty notes.

(ALARM SOUNDING)

Oh, the mail's in.

(BOX CREAKING)

Thank you, Thing.

(BOX CREAKING)

What is that?

Just your imagination.

Don't let him pull your leg. Thing is as real as any of us.

Thing, come up and meet our guests.

(BONE CRUNCHING)

Thing.

Now, now. Dear Thing, he doesn't know his own strength.

Anything exciting in the mail, dear?

Oh yes, lots of bills.

Wonderful. Will you excuse us, please?

Is it real?

Muscle and bone, with a grip like iron.

They have made this.

A hand, a single hand by itself.

It likes privacy.

This is fantastic. Take notes, Miri Haan.

Take notes.

American family has taken first step towards building robots.

First a plant that moves and thinks

and then a hand of flesh and blood.

This is big.

Very big.

Bigger than big.

I write everything down. Everything.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

(EXPLOSION)

Beautiful wreck, isn't it?

Beautiful wreck?

Beautiful wreck?

Oh, hello, I didn't know you were having company.

Oh, this is our Uncle Fester.

This is Mr. Klarpe and Mr. Haan.

Of course, you know Mr. Harris.

Howdy.

I guess this'll have to wait.

What'll wait, old boy?

Well, I was feeling a little run down

and I just wanted to get myself recharged.

Recharged?

Recharged?

It's just an expression.

This is an expression, too?

Oh, no, this is a great little pepper-upper.

Would you like to see it work?

Oh, Uncle Fester, I'm sure these gentlemen wouldn't be interested.

No.

We'd be very interested.

FESTER: Good.

Well, you'll have to crank it, Gomez.

He's such an exhibitionist.

FESTER: Oh, no. I really am run down.

It's just a simple little treatment to build up his energy.

Yes, well, you see, I, I put this little wire in my ear.

This little generator does the rest.

Go ahead, Gomez.

(BEEPING)

He really gets a charge out of this.

Write, write.

You mean he is full of electricity?

Believe me, believe me, they're just playing a little joke on you.

Joke, huh? Touch.

(BUZZING)

(SCREAMING)

That's a funny joke.

Write! Write!

I'm writing, I'm writing right now.

Stop! Stop!

Oh, stop it.

I'm sorry, Harris, but he did warn you.

It'll tingle for a while but then it'll wear off.

I feel so good now, I'm gonna go out and chase automobiles.

Wonderful hobby.

Stay away from water, Uncle Fester.

The last time he was recharged he took a shower

and blew out every fuse in the house.

Americans, in order to get energy...

Energy.

...put electricity in ear.

Ear.

Like vitamins in stomach...

Stomach.

...which we invented.

Which we invented.

That reminds me,

would you gentlemen care to join us in a snack?

Oh, no, no, really.

We stay.

Uh, we stay.

Excellent. I'll ring for Lurch.