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  • -I don't usually dive into heavy news topics,

  • but I do think every now and then

  • we need to check in with what's going on in the world.

  • -Hmm. -That's why we're gonna do

  • a segment we're calling "Sad News."

  • [ Dramatic music plays ]

  • [ "Taps" plays ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So cute.

  • So, with the help of my two lovely guests, Jim and Antoni,

  • we're going to read some absolutely real headlines.

  • And please, prepare yourself,

  • because these are really very sad.

  • [ Clears throat ] Queue the music, please.

  • ♪♪

  • Sad news. In Maryland, a dead goose

  • fell out of the sky

  • and knocked a hunter unconscious.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Sad news.

  • A woman in California had a dream

  • that she ate her engagement ring.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And she woke up to find...

  • she had eaten her engagement ring.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -[ Clears throat ]

  • Sad news.

  • A bull insemination facility caught on fire,

  • resulting in a massive explosion of semen.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Sad news. [ Laughter ]

  • A mouse launched itself into a deep fryer

  • at a Texas fast-food restaurant.

  • That's really sad.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Sad news.

  • The mayor of a New England town

  • opened up a 50-year-old time capsule,

  • and it was filled with nothing.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Said the town mayor, "It was a big disappointment.

  • We were all excited about it."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Sad news.

  • The cylinders of pressurized bull semen

  • were very, very full of semen. [ Laughter ]

  • So firefighters at the scene

  • had to dodge projectile semen missiles."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Delicious. [ Laughter ]

  • -[ Clears throat ]

  • Sad news.

  • A man cooked a pork chop that looked like Freddie Mercury.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Then he ate it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That must have been a great pork chop.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Sad news.

  • An airporn work-- An airport worker --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Or an air porn worker.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • An airport worker was fired for giving a traveler

  • a note that said "You're ugly."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • By the way, I'm not that ugly.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Sad news. In a Virginia town,

  • 250 escaped pigs were lured back to their pens

  • with a trail of hot dog buns.

  • [ Laughter, audience "Awws" ]

  • -And, finally, sad news.

  • A Florida toilet exploded

  • after the septic tank was struck by lightning.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That's very sad. -I know.

  • -Devastating.

  • -This has been "Sad News"! [ Cheers and applause ]

-I don't usually dive into heavy news topics,

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悲傷的新聞與吉姆-加菲根和安東尼-波洛夫斯基的合作 (Sad News with Jim Gaffigan and Antoni Porowski)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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